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All posts for the month June, 2017

Published June 30, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I had the most disturbing dream last night. It’s been replaying in my head and has been bothering me all day. I’m so upset about it- it’s causing me a ton of anxiety about the very near future and what I don’t want to happen (but of course, have no control over). 😔 

And worse, I no longer have any place to vent. I don’t even know what to do with myself. I’ve been writing drafts and frustratingly saving them as such. I guess I’m still able to write about it- but no one will ever hear me. 🤐😣 I just want to give up. I’m furious, despondent, and don’t know what else to do. 

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“Goes Away”

Published June 26, 2017 by Chloe Madison

“I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down

I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liars chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down

I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I will keep myself
I would find a way”


I listened to this song a few times today. It has spoken to me for years. Today it hit me a bit differently, a bit more final.

I read an article early this morning that has gravely affected me. It was about a college girl named Megan who committed suicide. She had reported a sexual assault to police, who didn’t believe her. Under Alabama’s primitive laws, victims must “prove” they earnestly tried to resist their attackers. What she told police wasn’t sufficient in their eyes. From what I read, the police were less then helpful- even downright rude. This story enrages me to no end- from the cocky, wealthy assailant who got away with it to the police who had zero compassion to the antiquated laws that allowed investigators to operate in this manner to the therapist who refused to treat her. She had her friends on her side and her parents on her side and that’s pretty much it. My heart hurts so deeply for her…and yet, it’s too late. 

Megan


I watched my beautiful, little niece playing today from across the yard. As I watched her giggle and run around, I thought how she would be ok growing up, even knowing that her aunt had committed suicide. She’s only 2…she’ll easily forget that she ever knew me. After a while, I won’t be spoken of anymore…maybe only mentioned occasionally. She’ll have a few pictures of us, but she won’t remember us. And so I know that she’ll be ok. 

It’s so true though- everyone…

I just detest everyone and everything right now. :_(  

Published June 23, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Regardless of how this post ends, today was actually a pretty good day. And I am so grateful for that! Things went smoother than expected and I got a lot done. Most importantly, I spent time reading through and praying through a series of prayers. It was pretty amazing. It fed me with strength, love for our God, connection with the Spirit, and hope for the future. I want to read/ pray through that often. I need it. I spent most of the day in this frame of mind. It was refreshing. I almost don’t even want to write this next part. 

I’m doing everything in my power to see my friends one final time. That’s important to me. And if I don’t get to, then… that’s just how it is. 

I’m full of conflicted feelings, mentalities, and outlooks. I’m trying to look on the bright side of what’s waiting back home for me: a great (albeit stressful) job with kids that I love, a super awesome church with some pretty great people and an amazing pastor, counseling which could lead to healing, and a new place- the nicest place I have ever lived in. Not to mention, I live in one of the most beautiful states in this country. But when I think of driving back home, leaving my friends and family behind, I think of emptiness. Like there’s nothing for me back there. Nothing. And then I find myself comforted again by the idea of the end…in a remote, quiet, never to be found location.

I sat outside this evening in the rain, observing, listening to, and enjoying nature in all its beauty. I imagined dying when it’s raining. It’s like maybe…  God would be weeping with me. 

This Noise

Published June 21, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Down in the field of grass across the way

The deserts of Utah in some remote slot canyon, miles from civilization

On the gun range, right then and there

Then, I go back to how I had originally planned, over a decade ago. Some remote cabin, white fluffy, comfortable bedding, and an overdose. I remember I never made it to a remote place before attempting. The overdose didn’t go as planned either. I thought I’d fall into a deep sleep and if I seized or threw up or something, I’d do it unconsciously, without ever being aware. I remember waking up- what woke me was the feeling of nausea. I ran to the bathroom, collapsed on the floor from weakness, pulled myself up to the rim of the toilet and vomited. Then, I collapsed back onto the floor. I remember staring at the roof of my bathroom and feeling all kinds of weird sensations- my skin was cold and clammy, my heartbeat was irregular, I was shaking, and felt like I couldn’t breathe well. I remember being scared, thinking this was it, and being kind of irritated that it wasn’t as smooth going as I had hoped. It seemed to me that lots of people seem to die peacefully in their sleep from an overdose. Why couldn’t I?

I briefly stared at the roof of the bathroom as I lay sprawled out onto the floor in whatever awkward position I fell in. In seconds, I gave up and closed my eyes. 

The next day I awoke, confused and feeling awful…and staring at the roof of the bathroom again, trying to figure out what happened. I was angry and disappointed that I wasn’t successful. I thought maybe vomiting is what did it- maybe my body was able to get rid of the toxins too quickly and too easily. 

That’s why when I think of this way now- I think of taking further steps. Lots of sleeping pills to make sure I won’t wake up so I can’t run and vomit. Even if I vomit while out, I can easily aspirate some and choke and die. And now, I have this little heart issue- I think it would be relatively easy to stress my heart to a breaking point. I’m pretty sure that will make things easier. 

Also, I had never thought of afterward- who would find the body. Now…now, I know for sure that I don’t want anyone to ever find it. I’m not trying to hurt or traumatize anyone. So I’d certainly go far, far away out in the middle of nowhere and just be considered a missing person. Someone might come across my dried bones in a few decades or so. 

If I could insert music into this post, I’d insert this entire album.

This time is so different. Last time, I was overly emotional, had thought deeply about it for at least two years, couldn’t stop weeping, wrote out a note, and willed things to people. This time there’s none of that- except maybe the fact that I’ve thought about it for about a year now. I’m not overly emotional- on the contrary, it seems like a peaceful decision even though I’m deeply sad. I feel like it’s the right thing to do (even though no one will ever understand that). The other part is the finality of it all- it seems so much more final this time…and I’m oddly ok with that. 

But…this time, I feel God himself has stepped in…

My thoughts go from semi-happy, loving people, being thankful for people and things that have happened…to all the ways it could go down. 

I feel in control again now. I can do what I want, when I want and the only one who can stop me is God. 

And then I think of that. And how in just the last few weeks, he’s done that multiple times. It makes me shake my head, confused and wondering why he would want me to live. I just don’t get it. 

EMDR 3

Published June 21, 2017 by Chloe Madison

This was an extemely emotional session- I was crying before I even went in (about other stuff though). I feel so deeply tired, like I can’t move my body. Almost like I’m drunk, my body feels numb and tingly and heavy.

We had a discussion about what’s real or not in EMDR and how could Jesus be bringing forward my dad if I don’t even think my dad’s in heaven. If it’s not real, then how can this bring healing? This was important to discuss because it’s even distracting me during sessions. I wonder how much of what’s happening during EMDR is just wishful thinking on my part and how much of it is real healing that’s occurring. So we only did 20 minutes of actual EMDR.

I realize I have new anger with my dad- so much more than before. I’m incredibly angry about the life his actions have taken and the multiple lives it’s ruined.

We picked up where we left off- my dad was there with a sad face and big, questioning eyes, (waiting for me to either forgive or accept him or hug him or something) and Jesus was behind me. I pushed myself back into Jesus- not wanting to move toward my dad and wanting to rest/ rely on Jesus or to know that he’s still there for me.

Jesus and I were standing the same pool of water. The water changed from blue to red, as I was avoiding looking at Jesus because I really wasn’t ready to move toward my dad. I remembered that Jesus nudged me the last time to go toward my dad, but since I didn’t feel ready, I felt ashamed to look Jesus in the face.

The red crept up from the water and moved into the sky and everything became a deep red- I thought Jesus was leaving, but I remembered that’s what the color purple represents. I’m not sure what the red was all about. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see green grass sprouting up.

Out of the green, blooms a single yellow orchid (which reminds me of my dad because he grew orchids- there’s even a brown orchid with a fuchsia and yellow center named after my dad, called the Charlie Orchid.) 

The Charlie Orchid


The grass morphs into the orchid plant and in fast forward motion, whole sprays of yellow orchids shoot out and bloom. I see a caretaker of the orchid plant- someone (only a shadow) bent over the plant. I think it might be my uncle (because he and his wife grew orchids after my dad died). It turns out it is my uncle. He looks up and talks, but I can’t hear him. I really want to hear what he’s saying so I tell him that I can’t hear him. He gets up close to me, smiles a great big smile and loudly says with a funny, sarcastic attitude, “What I said was…” and then he keeps talking but I can’t hear him again. His mouth moves, but he’s silent. 

I turn to ask Jesus to help out here- to help me understand what my uncle is saying. I think I forgot some parts that happened in between…but I see my uncle smile like I have literally never seen him smile before and he gives a side hug to my dad, who’s also smiling. I immediately think it’s fake. This isn’t real- there’s no way everything is all hunky dory between them. (This is where I question the veracity of EMDR). 
? I don’t remember, but I think I look back at Jesus to see if this (my dad and uncle hugging and smiling) is real- to get confirmation. Jesus looks different this time though. He looks like a real person- not like the glowing light he was before. 

⬆️⬇️ don’t know which happened first 

? At some point, I’m avoiding looking at Jesus and I look down and play around with the water, letting my hands glide over the top of the blue water. The water slowly turns white. After all the water turns white, where Jesus and I are standing together, the water begins to glow a warm yellow. I feel warmth on my back where Jesus is. I think I turn to see him. And then I turn back to see where my uncle and dad are- it’s like I’m checking to make sure they’re not the same- like there are no tricks or anything. (?)

I look directly at Jesus and ask him to talk to me, I ask, “What do you want me to know?” He says in the most convincing, sincere and compassionate way I’ve ever heard, “I LOVE you.” He continues, “I’m here with you… (and he says something else and something else- I can’t remember)…and “choose life. Choose MY life.” Jesus hugs me and holds me and says the same things all over again. I’m confused with what he means by choose “my life.” I ask him and he says, to choose the life that he has for me. I ask him to explain to me how to do that, to show me that. In response, I no longer see any visuals- I hear “scriptures” over and over again. I’m mildly annoyed by this because it’s a vague answer and It’s always been hard for me to discern the meaning or the direction that some scriptures point you in. But “scripture” was the very clear answer. 

Published June 19, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I tried so hard not to write here today. I haven’t been able to stop crying for the last…I don’t know how many hours. I have this weird attitude of “F**k everybody”- but I don’t know where that’s coming from because I care incredibly deeply and love everyone I can think of way too much. 😦

I packed…half the time I was packing for a trip to see my mom and brother and half the time I was packing for – . I just want to cancel everything for tomorrow- not show up, not be there, just go away. I can’t handle this. I thought I could, but I was wrong. I did surprise myself by successfully avoiding thinking about the gravity of things today- until everyone left and I was alone. It only took seconds before I was in tears and I can’t stop. 

My trip- I was looking forward to seeing my beautiful little niece and meeting my new nephew. I wasn’t looking forward to acting like everything was fine with my mom and brother. When I look at pictures of my nephew…geeze, he looks so much like my father. And they named the baby after him- I’m not ready to hear that name, especially over and over again. 😦

I was really looking forward to seeing my best friend on this trip. Her entire family puts me in such a great mood!  I don’t know why her four kids love me so much, but they do. They scream my name and tackle me with hugs and it’s the best! They all want to spend time with me until the wee hours of the morning and I love it!! My best friend, alone, is such a good natured person. I adore spending time with her. Spending a week with her family was going to be so good for my soul. But I won’t get to see her. Her dad fell and has been in the hospital. They’re pretty sure they’re canceling their trip to Florida- so that’s out. I was thinking of driving to Houston so I could still see them and spend time with them. But I don’t want to be in the way when they have so much other stuff going on. I’d love to be there to support her, but I’m afraid I might be more draining than of help to her. 

That makes me all the more grateful for the time I got to spend with a family here. It did so much good for my soul. I’m actually still in shock with how much that family went out of their way to support me and surround me with love. I am forever grateful. But that’s also the cause of my pain today. They’re leaving the country and I truly don’t think I’ll ever see them again. I am devastated. So incredibly devastated. :_(  But again, I’m so grateful for them and for my time with them. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered people like that- people who have gone so above and beyond to help someone. I feel like no matter what I do, I can never repay that. I thank God for them and will pray for them every day that I’m alive. But I REFUSE to get in the way of whatever God has for them. I don’t want to burden them any longer and I don’t want them to worry anymore. It’s not fair to them. 😦

I’m fighting the urge to run- the massive urge that would be comforting to ignore my two meetings tomorrow. I think in the end, I’ll just go through the motions, go through with everything hungover, act like everything’s alright-just like I did today…and then, God knows what. I can’t promise anything. I’m already fighting myself. It’s really up to God at this point.