My head is swirling.
Well, I broke a record for this summer and spoke to someone else today. That’s four times in a week. Record breaking. Most weeks I only speak to someone once the entire week and that’s my therapist.
Anyway, my cousin happens to be over this way taking care of some property his wife’s family owns. I drove a few hours out to see them today. I hadn’t seen him in about 6-7 years, so it was good to catch up a little.
To get straight to the point- we started talking about my uncle who committed suicide. I started fishing for information from them by asking them if they knew why he committed suicide, if they knew why he was depressed, etc. He kept BSing me, saying my uncle was in a lot of physical pain from a bad back and hip. I was thinking, people don’t kill themselves because they have a bad back!!
So then I point blank asked them if they knew of any issues between my dad and my uncle. My cousin looked down at the floor and didn’t answer….but his wife blurted something out right away. Thank God. She said she didn’t trust the source so she didn’t believe it. I asked her what it was and she said she heard that my dad had sexually molested my uncle.
She went on to further explain that she didn’t believe it because she knew my dad and he wasn’t the type of person to do that. I thought- oh really? What type of person does do something like that? Do you even know?? I listened to her explain how sweet and generous my dad was- stuff I’ve heard other people say. I experienced that too. But y’know, my first therapist told me that my dad buying me secret gifts was called “grooming” and it has evil intentions, not generous ones.
I drove two hours back home this evening and thought and thought.
I thought how my dad was sick. Like, maybe he was a good, normal person, but he had this thing- this urge he couldn’t control. And I know that’s not a normal urge….but, I guess I WANT to believe there could have been pure parts to him.
I thought how my grandmother chose to protect her firstborn over her other son…how she chose to protect him still as an adult over protecting her little granddaughter. 😓 I thought about the predicament she was in and how difficult (I hope) her decision was to make.
I thought about my mom and how she also chose to join the bandwagon of protecting my dad and not me as a little child.
Smh. I don’t even know where to go with that.
I want so much to know the truth about my family. I want so much to understand why they did what they did.
I thought about how EVERYONE knew!!! What the..?! My cousin knew this whole time? His wife knew?? They don’t believe it’s true, but they knew about the allegations. Dang. I feel so left in the dark. Everyone kept this from me.
And I sat there…and didn’t say a word. I didn’t tell them my dad was, in fact, a child molester. I didn’t tell them about me. I didn’t tell them about me wanting to die because I just can’t handle the fact that my dad was a monster. I didn’t say anything. I kept it all inside.