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All posts for the month June, 2018

Published June 30, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Late last night I wrote a post on shame. I’m not sure what suddenly came over me…it’s almost like I was reminded of all the shame I carry. Anyway, I decided to save it as a draft and finish writing it later so I never published it.

And today, I was filled with nothing but gratitude. This whole week, actually…I’ve been finding myself telling God over and over and over again, thank you for this or thank you for that. It’s like God has had my back every minute this last week. I am absolutely grateful.

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Published June 29, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Oph. I am a mess. I’m sooo far behind on moving. I’ve got to be out by Saturday and I haven’t even started yet.

I still don’t know how I’m going to move the big things I can’t lift. My head is such a mess. I need to figure this moving stuff out and all I can think about is the conversation I had with my cousin about my dad.

I realized I think I’m angry at my cousin and his wife. Why? I’m not sure. I think it’s because they knew about the allegations all along and didn’t tell me. I can’t quite figure out why I’m so angry.

And it just dawned on me…

Oh wow. If they knew…then they were some of the people who didn’t believe my uncle, which in turn, is part of what drove him to suicide.

😓

I don’t want to be here.

I don’t want to do this.

I am SO SICK OF ALL THIS. I can’t stand it anymore. I really can’t. It’s driving me insane.

I threw up early this morning on the way to go work on the new place. I have no idea why. Stress? Anxiety? No clue. It was bizarre. And I’m exhausted. đŸ˜Ŗ

Published June 28, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Operation Clandestine Move is under way.

Day 3 of demo. My whole body hurts. It’s not as fun as Chip Gaines makes it out to be. It’s dirty and pretty darn nasty- all the old, gnarly stuff you can uncover.

But I was working again today and thinking I could do stuff like this for a living. I halfway enjoyed it. No human contact, lots of time to think, no one to let down. It wasn’t stress free, but only because I’m on a bit of a time crunch.

I think I found mold- gonna tackle that tomorrow. That’s no bueno.

I have scratches and scrapes all over- it’s good because now the scar on my wrist blends in with everything else.

I’m beyond exhausted. Lots more work to do tomorrow. But I’m so grateful to have found a place to move to. I really am. Just trying to make it livable.

Published June 23, 2018 by Chloe Madison

My head is swirling.

Well, I broke a record for this summer and spoke to someone else today. That’s four times in a week. Record breaking. Most weeks I only speak to someone once the entire week and that’s my therapist.

Anyway, my cousin happens to be over this way taking care of some property his wife’s family owns. I drove a few hours out to see them today. I hadn’t seen him in about 6-7 years, so it was good to catch up a little.

To get straight to the point- we started talking about my uncle who committed suicide. I started fishing for information from them by asking them if they knew why he committed suicide, if they knew why he was depressed, etc. He kept BSing me, saying my uncle was in a lot of physical pain from a bad back and hip. I was thinking, people don’t kill themselves because they have a bad back!!

So then I point blank asked them if they knew of any issues between my dad and my uncle. My cousin looked down at the floor and didn’t answer….but his wife blurted something out right away. Thank God. She said she didn’t trust the source so she didn’t believe it. I asked her what it was and she said she heard that my dad had sexually molested my uncle.

She went on to further explain that she didn’t believe it because she knew my dad and he wasn’t the type of person to do that. I thought- oh really? What type of person does do something like that? Do you even know?? I listened to her explain how sweet and generous my dad was- stuff I’ve heard other people say. I experienced that too. But y’know, my first therapist told me that my dad buying me secret gifts was called “grooming” and it has evil intentions, not generous ones.

I drove two hours back home this evening and thought and thought.

I thought how my dad was sick. Like, maybe he was a good, normal person, but he had this thing- this urge he couldn’t control. And I know that’s not a normal urge….but, I guess I WANT to believe there could have been pure parts to him.

I thought how my grandmother chose to protect her firstborn over her other son…how she chose to protect him still as an adult over protecting her little granddaughter. 😓 I thought about the predicament she was in and how difficult (I hope) her decision was to make.

I thought about my mom and how she also chose to join the bandwagon of protecting my dad and not me as a little child.

Smh. I don’t even know where to go with that.

I want so much to know the truth about my family. I want so much to understand why they did what they did.

I thought about how EVERYONE knew!!! What the..?! My cousin knew this whole time? His wife knew?? They don’t believe it’s true, but they knew about the allegations. Dang. I feel so left in the dark. Everyone kept this from me.

And I sat there…and didn’t say a word. I didn’t tell them my dad was, in fact, a child molester. I didn’t tell them about me. I didn’t tell them about me wanting to die because I just can’t handle the fact that my dad was a monster. I didn’t say anything. I kept it all inside.

Published June 22, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Today’s therapy session wasn’t nearly as difficult as the last one. It wasn’t pleasant, but I don’t think it’ll keep me down in bed for three days like the last time.

We talked about forgiveness and anger. I have so, so much anger toward the people who violated me. I don’t even know what to do with it all.

I’ve talked to people three times this entire week: my therapist today, those people I dug out of the snow whatever day that was, and the homeless guys on Sunday. This is the most I’ve talked to people all summer long. ☚ī¸

I am really, really, really facing life alone.

I told my therapist today how I’m afraid to face and deal with my own anger. I know it won’t leave me in a good place if I dive into it… I don’t have support here. I don’t know what to do with the rage when it comes, so I turn it on myself. I’m trying to never do that again and that’s why I’m so hesitant to face all this on my own.

Published June 20, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Today as I was trying to brush off reliving a few experiences, I remembered something I read. The author was a Vietnam vet who was writing a snippet about his experience. He said something like, “if you see a warrior staring off in the distance, quietly move away.”

Immediately, I knew he was referring to PTSD. But I wouldn’t tell people to move away. I’d tell them to quietly, gently interrupt and thereby redirect our thoughts.

I did quite a bit of staring off and reliving things today. I’m not quite sure why.

It’s one thing I can’t control. I guess it’s more accurate to say there are many things I can’t control. My flashbacks are just one.

Published June 19, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Yesterday was a super great day. I spontaneously decided to go out in the wilderness and surround myself with nature. I drove two hours into a neighboring state and wasn’t disappointed. God led me to an absolutely amazing place!

At one point, hours into the hike, I just stopped. I was so in awe of everything around me. I couldn’t get over the wildflowers in the subalpine meadows and the birds chirping. I stood there for so long, lost in the beauty, that I think about 15 minutes passed by before I realized it. I was somewhere around here, on a ridge…

The sounds of the birds…it was enchanting. I thanked God non-stop for his beauty and for bringing me here.

Nature is one place where I am immediately struck by God. And I have to say…this was the first time I had been in a remote area where my overwhelming thought wasn’t to die. This place was too beautiful and pristine for that. I had a really good day.

And I hiked way too far and long. I asked God to keep the sun with us until we got back to the car- and he did. 9 something at night and we still had daylight.

I had the privilege of helping a few people out too. I had stopped driving and parked where the snowdrifts were too deep and covered the dirt road. Someone in a Jeep didn’t. They were stuck in the snow and were trying to dig out with a golf club! 😂 I had a little camp shovel and a hatchet and I sat there with them and helped dig them out for over an hour. It was awesome. I really do love helping people and I’m glad God had them get stuck only a few feet away from my car.

Later as I was trying to fall asleep, I remembered the last time I used that hatchet last summer. Such an awful memory. But this was a much better use of the hatchet.

I know I’m still back and forth, having good days and bad ones…but I am so, so thankful for good days.