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Published October 20, 2018 by Chloe Madison

You know when your inhibitions are down because you’re drunk…. and that way you can truly know peripheral? People? I hunk that’s more authentic than not. You truly know what people think and how they feel.

You know what I think? No one cares. No one. It’s jist. Just a fact of life. People care about their own, their own family , their owner friends. If they don’t know you, they dont care.

I see this

It’s true. People don’t care. I thought about writing that love doesn’t exist. But I love people. I really do. Teylu. Just because they don’t love me back doesn’t mean I don’t love them.

I was just told a story of someone who committed suicide because they’re father molested several kids. Two of this kids committed suicide. The guy couldn’t handle it . H died a few weeks ago.

I understand.

I understand itnbeing ae to come to terms with who your father is. I understand this is your blood lime. Those is who your e. I know. M

I don’t know why god makes this world wheee people can’t handle their lives. He does that . People kill themselves and why? Because god gave them a life they couldn’t hanfkeb.

I don’t have I had else to say. Know that I loved people. I always will. It’s doesn’t matter. God love s people he just doesn’t care much for me. That’s the truth of the matter. And it’s ok. I need to accept thebtruth .or not

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Published October 19, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I can’t take this. My head is exploding in pain. My body- this is taking a physical toll on me in so many ways. I can’t keep crying like this. I simply can’t take anymore.

Published October 13, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Do you ever feel like you make a difference in this world? Do you matter at all? To anyone?

Are you sure?

Does our presence really ripple into other people’s lives?

Does anyone know you exist? Does anyone acknowledge your existence? Does God?

No one loves

Published October 12, 2018 by Chloe Madison

This makes me feel a lot better about all my whining. I’m trying to hang in there and really need to vent to let things out. I feel super guilty about that though- like all I do is complain. This is exactly why I have no hope. These feelings don’t change. They don’t get better.

I was thinking of a friend’s father today. His father is facing his senior years alone and with a waning memory. I can’t help but think that will be me- if I ever make it that far. I’m facing old life with no one. No children, no family, nothing. I guess it’s a good thing my memory is going now. Maybe by then I won’t even realize I’m all alone.

I tried to put things in my head to look forward to. I fell in love with a very special place- a beach in the panhandle of Florida. I’ve fantasized about retiring there. Seriously….this has been me trying to look forward to a positive future…so I’d been hoping and dreaming of retiring on the beach there. The hurricane just destroyed it. My heart hurts so badly for the people who have lost their lives and their homes. The video of the devastation is shocking and overwhelming and familiar. My heart hurts for the land too. And the sea life. So many sea turtles had nests on that beach and now it’s been wiped away. These are some pics from this past summer there. I camped on the beach.

Pristine. Perfection.

I felt so close to God through his creation here.

This is it now. There used to be a road there along the beach. It’s completely washed out. The landscape itself has been severed and altered.

I give up. This was my happy place. This is what I looked forward to in life. What the hell? I’m hurting for those who died during this storm and I’m hoping the people who live there are resilient and will persevere in rebuilding.

My special place is broken I’m half. Just like me. It’s fitting, actually.

Published October 11, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Beyond agitated. Battling a borderline migraine for nearly 48 hours now. So freaking irritated. And angry. And hopelessly sad. That’s all there is to me.