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Published March 20, 2019 by Chloe Madison

I cut this out to keep it in here when I was little after my dad died. It’s cut out crooked, but I have it hanging on my wall.

Who in their right mind keeps their

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Published March 19, 2019 by Chloe Madison

Awful dreams… dream after dream of doing nothing but trying to get rid of demons. Dreams of my mom demon possessed, everyone around me… I kept waking up, then would go back to sleep and dream another one about someone else being demon possessed. In every dream, I was repeating “in the name of Jesus Christ, go back from where you came” or “in the name of Jesus Christ, leave this person immediately.” My grandmother was in some dreams too. It seems like sometimes people were possessed and didn’t know it and sometimes the demons were after me. In one dream, my mom left me….like, walked out of my life. She was clearly possessed to me so I knew she didn’t understand that she was being controlled, but at the same time, I couldn’t reason with her.

I must have had about 8 or 9 different dreams trying to get away from demons. In the one with my grandmother, I was a younger child- maybe 8 or 9 years old and I was terrified. I was at my grandmother’s house and trying to sleep in my dream, but the demons kept coming near my bed. I’d hide under the covers and would freeze, absolutely terrified.

Published March 18, 2019 by Chloe Madison

I think I’m going to be ok. I’m trying to think positively. It’s just an extremely heavy burden to carry. I know it’s not even my burden, but I can’t seem to get rid of it yet. It’s not that easy. I’m too tangled up in the huge mess of it all. It’s so I have easier when I can push it out of my mind. But if I try to do that forever, it’ll just fester below the surface and I’ll still have it to deal with in the future. God, I want to get rid of this massive weight. It’s poisoning my very existence.

Published March 17, 2019 by Chloe Madison

Today has been weird. Yesterday, I thought “I’m going to be ok” multiple times. I almost blogged it.

But today… just sitting at a red light, I zoned out and saw everything bad in my past. I wonder why I can’t move on, how I feel like I’m just hitting my head against a brick wall and getting no where. I wonder why people dismiss me so easily and don’t give me any significance in their lives at all. My brother came through town briefly… and I had to insist on time with him. If he wasn’t my brother, I would have easily given up trying to see him. I just couldn’t figure out why he didn’t want to spend time with me. And then I’ve texted my mom for days asking her to call me. She said, “Ok, later this evening” and then never calls. This has happened so many days in a row now. I’m just not important to them. And they’re my FAMILY.

It makes me think of my self-worth…or more accurately, my lack of it- and it makes perfect sense to me why I so easily dismiss my own life. Not only have I endured abuse of all kinds from multiple people, but even my family- the ones who never hurt me- like my brother- don’t want to spend time with me.

It hurts. And it confuses me. And I see why I am the way I am.

I think of all the relationships- friendships, coworkers, acquaintances, familial relationships- everything…. and I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. I can’t seem to keep safe and trust worthy relationships with others. People who I think are safe either wind up not being safe or wind up distancing themselves, and thereby hurting me. I try to tell myself not to believe the narrative of “there are no safe people in this world.” I think that’s the narrative of an abused child, a raped girl… in trying to heal, I guess I’m trying to not believe the things I do. “Healthy” people wouldn’t believe there are no safe people.

So I seek out those I think could be good, safe, and might have pure intentions… and in the past, I’ve tried to connect to these people, cling to them even. It’s sad, but true. I’m so desperate for safe relationship and to escape this solitude.

I don’t know. When I step back and try to see the bigger picture, it’s a simple truth: I want to be special, I want to be loved, I want to be valued. I would think those desires span across all of humanity. People like me….there’s something wrong with me. I can’t find people who will value me and make me feel loved in a safe way. I can’t find people who will stay and not leave me.

I try to get away from these thoughts in my head by focusing on God’s will for my life. Ok, so if I have a solitary life…this is somehow god’s will….if I need to live with the pain of all I’ve been through (and not take the easy way out by ending everything)…if my life is a life destined for suffering….ok, then, what can God accomplish through me? What is his purpose? How can he possibly use me? I try to force myself to focus on God and not myself… but it just cycles back around to no one being safe, even God’s not safe, no one cares or loves me, even God doesn’t care or love me.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say. These are the thoughts I’m fighting.

Published March 12, 2019 by Chloe Madison

I’ve been so weird lately. So back and forth- minute by minute. One second, I’m 100% fine and can see a future and the next, I’m shoving food in my face, getting larger, eating out of control, and feeling like there’s no hope for healing. Even with the break coming up, I’ve been so back and forth on that. I’ve asked God to speak to me regarding that- He knows. I want to hear him and feel his love and to just know that I’m loved. I don’t think it’s possible though. Maybe my eating is a way to self- sabotage? I have no idea. I just think- let me indulge in this family sized bag of chips because who cares? Not a soul. Not me. And before I know it, the whole thing is gone. I’m eating so terribly. I know it’s my fault… but I can’t stop. The fatter I get, the uglier I get, the more people will want to stay away from me.

I’ve got to snap out of this eating garbage life style. I feel sick and terrible about myself. I need to get healthier. I have zero motivation though. Zero energy to get up and cook or make something. Zero brain power to think of a meal or ingredients. I literally go to the supermarket and wander aimlessly. I just can’t think straight.

I really despise what I’ve become. But I need to own it. These are my choices and my life. This is my fault. No blaming my dad on this one.

Maybe I’m secretly hoping my heart gives out or I get a clogged artery or something. I don’t know. I honestly have no idea what the hell I’m thinking. I’m just trying to get through the day so I can crawl back into bed and sleep my life away.

Published March 10, 2019 by Chloe Madison

My therapist says I’m more depressed. She asked me if I can get an increase in dosage from the other doctor. I didn’t tell her that I’m at the max dosage. 😦 I feel embarrassed. I’m not sure why.

My head has been killing me all day. I’ve been in bed since yesterday.

I finally did the DNA test and put it in the mail. I don’t care anymore. I just don’t. My break is in 2 weeks and I won’t be here anyway. I’ve asked God to talk to me about that. A few years ago, he did. I felt like God talked to me quite a bit actually. But lately, I’ve got nothing. I talk to him though. I thank him everyday for what he’s given me.

Today I watched Law and Order SUV. One episode had a girl who was hospitalized because no one believed she was raped. She was so ashamed about being in a psych unit. A different episode had a woman who got pregnant from her rapist. It hit me hard when

Published March 6, 2019 by Chloe Madison

In the past week, there were two nights I didn’t have nightmares. I’m pleasantly shocked. It was nice to sleep and dream and not cringe when reflecting on it.

Been daydreaming of the ****** lately. Soon.

I found these online and each of them struck a chord for a different reason. There was another one I saw that said something about living your life the way you want to and how it’s no one’s business. I thought, why can’t it be the same way about *****? Can’t we *** the way we want to and shouldn’t it be no one’s business?

I’ve been ridiculously lonely, withdrawn, isolated, and exhausted. I could sleep all day and all night for a month. Ive gained so much weight- I’m officially obese. I feel horrible about myself- ugly, fat, unloved, and not getting anywhere in life. My future is one of an old lady dying all alone with no family there to ease the pain. I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. This can’t be all there is to life, is it? This can’t be right.