I’ve had a ton of nightmares lately…the night before last I woke up 7 times from nightmares. Ridiculous. The good thing is that I’ve been able to sleep well other than that.
I just got out of bed. It’s 4pm. I don’t know how I slept all day and all night. Last night I had a bunch of weird dreams. Probably the weirdest one was a woman who gave me a fetus. Somehow the fetus was partially mine, but she had been carrying it. It came out on one of her tampons- I know, weird. She said it wouldn’t grow in her anymore, but since it was partially mine, it could still grow in me. When she gave it to me, I treated it gently…it was in the shape of a tampon, traces of blood, and it was freezing cold…almost frozen. I thought it was probably dead because it was so cold. I took it and warmed it though- I placed it up against my body to give it heat. I cradled it for days. Finally, I decided if it was dead, I’d have to let it go so I checked. I carefully took apart the tampon and found the fetus- it was in the shape of an egg…like an over-easy egg. It had 2 bulges sticking out. I decided to keep warming it for another day, then check on it again. He next day, the tiny egg…still looking like an over-easy egg, had 4 or 5 bulges that grew overnight. So I knew the fetus was actually still alive, still growing, and it’s cells were multiplying.
I can’t remember much after that. I do recall waking up and being disturbed by me carrying a fetus in my dream. I don’t know why I dreamt that. It could be because I want children and it’s too late for me to have any. It could be because I already had my chance and had abortions instead. Maybe my mind, my heart and soul are haunted by that. I mean, I know they are. Maybe that’s what the dream was from though?
I woke up earlier this morning and couldn’t face the day. I walked my dog, gave him his medicine, and went back to bed.
I fell asleep thinking about how lonely Christmas is. Last Sunday, my pastor talked about how everyone is so tired from all the holiday parties at Christmas. I sat there, not knowing exactly what he was talking about. I haven’t been to a “holiday party” in years. Haven’t been invited, don’t even know of any. I don’t know…it made me feel like he was more sociable than I’ve ever been. And it made me feel lonely. Not his fault at all…but it made it sink in harder than I’m alone. This year, I barely decorated for Christmas. I strung up 2 sets of lights. That’s it. I don’t have the heart or the energy for more. Plus, my place still looks pretty terrible, I’m still fixing things up when I have the money to…but to put up Christmas lights over blue painter’s tape, which I did, looks silly.
It’s been a while since I’ve talked to any adults. I speak to adults in passing at work occasionally, but my spot where I work is actually outside the main building. I only go inside for meetings or the bathroom. I’m pretty darn isolated.