Fuuuuu… my roommate at the hospital just committed suicide. I’m in
Fuuuuu…. I am so infuriated and I don’t even know why. I just left my two doctor appointments. This last guy said I rated as severe for depression, but “moderately severe.” He even suggested I get into group counseling that could meet for up to 3 times a week, if I felt I needed that support. I don’t. I’m fine. I’m shocked that I rated so severely. Am I not seeing this? On top of that, all the questions I answered were for the last 2 weeks only!! And I’ve felt a tiny bit better these last few weeks- I mean, I actually had a good day here and there. So if I’m “moderately severe” now, what the hell was I before? Severely severe?
That depresses me so much. It makes me mad. Why though? This is probably the first time since I’ve been out that I actually wanted to hurt myself. I just feel so much rage and strong….gah….I don’t even know!
Speaking of hurting myself, with talking with this guy and why/ how I got hospitalized…I WILL NEVER, EVER say on this blog that I want to die or kill myself ever again. It’s not worth getting locked up for. Just because I don’t say it, doesn’t mean I’m not thinking it. But I refuse to go through that again. I don’t have the freedom to say what I want…but hey, welcome to America. Land of the free. Unless you’ve been raped. Then you’re not free. You’re not free to express yourself. You’re not free of your fears. You’re not free of anything this shitty life has in store for you.
I can’t believe I’m worse off than I think. I just don’t believe that. Am I that blind?
The med management doctor is increasing my dosage. Doubling it. Not because of me though…he says that almost no one experiences the benefits of Zoloft on 50mg. (Then why do they even make a 25mg?) But he said it’s only 1 of 2 medications proven to treat PTSD. The other med, he said, he doesn’t prescribe because the side effects are crazy bad. He was much nicer than the second doc. He made me feel bad about 2 things though. One was my hope (<— f*** that word) in the medicine. He said for someone like me, dealing with huge and multiple traumas, that meds are only 10% of the equation. The rest needs to come from therapy. 😞 I had wished the meds would help more than just 10%. The other thing was my problem regulating my body temp and not having my period for 2 months now. I thought (and still think) I was so distressed when I was locked up, that I skipped it then and it’s listed as a side effect…so I thought maybe that’s why I still don’t have it. He suggested I might have early menopause!! What the..?? No, don’t tell me that. Don’t crush my dreams of ever having children!! Are you freaking kidding me?? No. No. No.
Everyone says “wait” on God. Wait for a husband. Wait for children and a family. God will give you the desires of your heart.
F that. He doesn’t. This is proof.
The last few days have been weird. Saturday was ok. Sunday was different. I woke up around 4am with a massive borderline migraine. I took my migraine pills and hoped it would be gone in time for church. Just as I thought I’d have to skip church, my headache started to wane. After church, I broke down crying with a friend. She sat there and listened to me for two straight hours- nothing but me pouring my heart out, fears, anxieties, frustrations, everything. I’m so grateful for her and her willingness to listen.
The rest of the day I was in the most massive haze. I wandered around a mall in a stupor. I have no idea what was going on. For the first time I found it hard to be in crowds. I’ve never had an issue with that before. I viewed about every other person as a possible threat to me. I don’t know why. I was so out of it. I went to write here multiple times and I couldn’t even compose my thoughts correctly. I didn’t have the energy to try to make my brain work. ??
Last night came and left with very little sleep. Part of it was my brain- it was chaos. It felt like a bomb was continually exploding in my head. So many different things running through my mind, yet nothing made sense. Pure chaos.
The other part of it was my little pup. He was pretty sick last night. I wound up running him outside 6 times because of diarrhea. I gave him meds, snuggled him, and all I can do is hope he feels better soon. I feel so helpless with him. 😣
I had a nightmare last night, but can’t remember it. I don’t know how I had a chance to dream because I only slept for two hours. I didn’t think that was enough time to enter REM sleep. The other night I had a weird nightmare. I was a hostage with a lot of other people who were taken hostage as well. We were inside of an empty multi-story building and they had separated us into small groups- except I had been kept alone. I remember being crouched down on the floor and staring at several bright red maple leaves on the floor. Each leaf had three lines cut into it, all lined up next to each other. (I have no idea what that’s all about) And then there was something about a parade inside the building with the other hostages. I can’t remember that clearly anymore.
I don’t know what the hostage dream means. It could relate to earlier trauma, but I think it might relate more to being locked up. The strong feelings I had in my dream were the same overwhelming emotions I experienced while in the hospital. Maybe me being crouched down on the floor in my dream is the same as when I would retreat to my bed and curl up and cry. I’m not sure.
I hate that.
I hate that time.
Nov. 3 will forever live as a horrible, horrible day.
I see myself on that day as one little square piece of thin toilet paper. All the trauma, abuse, rape, abortion, deception and betrayal…it has all worn me so thin. As thin and fragile as one piece of toilet paper. Getting locked up was like someone violently throwing a huge bucket of water on me. I just disintegrated. So quickly.
I don’t see how people get through stuff like this. I really don’t. This doesn’t get better. It doesn’t get easier. People are mean. People are not understanding. I don’t know what else to say.
There’s no coming back from disintegration.
Overall, this week has been really hard. It’s felt like a YEAR.
Sleep has been sporadic. There haven’t been many nightmares but there were two recent ones- one is far too graphic to share. It related to previous trauma. It was disgusting. Not going to talk about it. There was another one from last night that had demons in it. They made their presence known- they kept taking my phone out of my hands as I used it- that happened a few times. I also saw them coming through walls in a bathroom. In my dream, I was vacationing with a family and their little boy was trying to tell the family that demons were causing things to happen and everyone ignored him. This was all a dream, but it’s still disturbing.
Today a 15 year old girl repeated MY words to me- she was telling me how she wanted to commit suicide and she said, “I don’t know why God doesn’t just take me.” My heart went up through my throat. I couldn’t believe I was hearing this, coming from her. It hit me so hard- both of our pain. Her story is similar to mine. She was raped repeatedly by an uncle and her mom hasn’t been the best source of support. In frustration, her mom even told her she would give her up for adoption. I told her I’d happily adopt her. Seriously. I know her mom wouldn’t really do that, but it’s so cruel and damaging to say. I see over and over how people don’t understand and don’t have patience with those of us who have been gravely injured and are struggling. I know it must be frustrating…but all I see is people giving up on us. I know I want to give up on myself…so what can I possibly do to make others not want to give up on me?
She also talked about how God has given her too much to handle in life. Again, I nearly choked as she was saying my own words to me. I couldn’t agree with her more, but I HAD to give her every ounce of positivity I could muster.
I did my best to encourage this young girl and show her how much I care for her. I’ve only known her for four months, but she knows she has my support and undivided attention whenever she needs it. I wish I could do more for her.
I think about the words she said that are mine. I’ve written those very words here so many times. I’ve thought them even more times…. I wonder what God might be trying to show me by having this young girl say that to me. My heart hurts so badly for her.
I finally heard back from my old pastor whom I’d emailed. I told him how I was scared of being judged for having been locked up and his reply was amazing. Here’s part of his email:
That last paragraph… wow. It means a lot to me. When he didn’t reply right away, I was sure he thought I was crazy and didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I was so worried. So it’s really good to hear from him and to know I have his encouragement.
I feel like I’m wringing every single bit of support from people. It’s such a necessity to my survival. Even though I’ve asked for it from a few people, I’m scared to. I fear rejection and people backing away from me. I feel like that’s the response I’ve received from the few people I’ve asked. But I need help so badly. Just to feel loved, cared about, to be encouraged… I can’t do that on my own. It doesn’t work that way.
Another good thing happened. Two young people started a gofundme for my hospital bills left over after the insurance paid. They didn’t tell me about it right away. I was so touched they would even think to do that. They posted it on Facebook and tagged me in it so now a lot of people know I was in the hospital. I’ve been fielding questions all day long. I’m absolutely not telling people why I was hospitalized. But now people know I was in the hospital for something. So I finally made a post about it, giving a vague explanation for the gofundme.
This WordPress is anonymous…I’m not using my real name here. I’d like to keep it that way. It makes me feel safer. But if any of you want to help share the gofundme campaign, let me know and I can send you the link.
And then one more thing happened…I don’t think I wrote about it yet. I can’t remember. A friend introduced me to a friend of his who prays over people for healing and stuff. I kind of wanted to meet up with him in person, but he lives in Europe. We emailed a few times and talked once via Skype this past summer. He told me to get a book named The Bondage Breaker, to read through it, pray through it, and we could talk again after that. I had every intention of ordering the book, but never did. That was months ago during the summer.
Well, a lady from my small group at church told me she read a book and thought of six people who might need it. I was one of them, so she whipped out this book and gave it to me. Guess what the name of it was…? Yep.
I couldn’t believe it was the same exact book I was told would help me months ago. I even dug up old emails to be sure it was the same book. Eerie. I’ve tried reading it and can’t. I’ve flipped though it…stopped on a page that said:
And I immediately thought and said, “LIES!!” and I closed the book and put it down. I guess I’m not quite ready to look at it yet. 😞 I feel bad about my reaction, but I just can’t believe any of those things there. Not yet. Maybe some day.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop being upset. I have no control over it. I feel like I have one foot in the grave. I AM SO ALONE. I don’t see that ever changing. I don’t see healing coming. I can barely make it through one stupid day. I can’t sleep, can’t do anything. I can barely get up and move. I’m not doing laundry or dishes or anything. I can barely make it through an hour without breaking into tears. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
My heart burns with pain. It’s sunken into my stomach. My chest feels hollow and empty…and it physically hurts. I don’t know how much longer I can hang in. The fact is I don’t want to hang in. I can’t fake anything anymore. I just don’t have it in me.
I have no words to describe how I feel…
Deeply, deeply saddened
Nothing can help
No one can help
I just want to disappear forever
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m so sad. I took an online health questionnaire at work and was slightly paranoid it might not be anonymous like it said. So I answered the questions about mood and depression to make it NOT sound as bad as I feel. And I STILL got flagged as depressed. What the…? Am I doing that badly that I can’t even see it?
Some of the information given following the questionnaire said that depression can affect your judgment. Is that really true? I’ve never heard of that before. But as I reflect on decisions and thoughts and how I perceive things…I just didn’t think depression would impact those things, but maybe it has. I honestly thought it was the other way around- that I was depressed because of my thoughts and perceptions of the world and people around me. I didn’t think depression could alter that. Maybe I have a lot to learn.
I’m so sorry for my angry posts lately. I’ve been highly irritable for over a year now- since this all started to go downhill. Seeing how much my insurance paid and what I still owe sent me over the edge in terms of rage. I’m still super upset that I have to pay $9000 for something I refused over and over and over. All I wanted to do was go home. And they wouldn’t let me.
I don’t want to think about the money situation anymore. I don’t know what to do with that. I’ve cut out cable TV and eating out. What else can I cut out?? There’s nothing in my budget but my credit card payment, rent, electric, cell, student loan, insurance, gas, and car payment. My dog’s meds are so much…I just picked up more of his meds yesterday. He’s been throwing them up though. 😞 I don’t know how else to help him except to do what the doctor says and give him extra pain meds when his pain won’t subside. My heart hurts so badly for him. He’s my only companion in this lonely, cold world. My only companion.
I had already bought a plane ticket to see my mom at Christmas and now I think it’s a mistake (financially). It’s on my credit card…obviously I couldn’t afford to pay for it outright. But I view Christmas break the same as Thanksgiving break. If I stay here, alone, for two weeks…no work, no friends, nothing to do…bad things will happen. My mind just goes there. It goes there every single day. The best way I can think of to fight it is to go away from here and be with other people. Sounds good. Just not very affordable. But I’m doing the best I can even if I can’t afford it.
I even reached out to my old pastor yesterday. I had reached out to him a few months back. But yesterday I sent him an email letting him know I got locked up. I’m so scared of being judged or looked down on because of it. It took degradation and shame to a whole new level for me. I’m super embarrassed about it and don’t want ANYONE to know. Too many already do. But I decided to be honest and tell him, hoping to get some encouragement and support. I haven’t heard back yet.
Me reaching out to people is so, so difficult. I think I’m terrified of rejection. And if you give people nothing to reject you for, then they won’t. If you’re honest and open and vulnerable, people will see your weakness and your troubles. You’re giving them ammunition to judge you with. But it is what it is. If I want support from people, I have to let them know that. Even if I get rejected…like when I asked my friends to visit me in the hospital and they refused. It was shocking and heart breaking. But the truth is that I’m not so sure I want people like that around me. I don’t need any more negativity. I don’t need any more criticism and rejection- I feel I do that to myself enough. I need good people, true friends, people who won’t judge me even knowing I’ve been locked up. I just think that’s so hard to find. That’s why I’m so scared and hesitant to reach out.
I’m trying though. I feel like going away at Christmas is the best course of action. I thought reaching out to my old pastor again is a good step to take. I’m not sure quitting therapy is the best idea- but financially, I’ve got no other choice. I have to start making payments and I don’t know where else that money can come from. Can you make a payment on a medical bill with a credit card? Again…not the best idea…but if I have no other choice, then that will be the route I might need to take.
I need to get away from this debilitating sadness. It’s eating me up.