All posts for the month May, 2018

Published May 30, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Yesterday was spectacular compared to the days before. It was really great. I did have periodic thoughts of the desert, which I haven’t had in forever. But it’s ok. I’m not going there any time soon.

I was a work horse yesterday and got a ton of stuff done, all while enjoying the cool breeze coming in off my balcony. I’m soaking that up as the place I’m moving to is on the ground floor. That’s my least favorite place to be- only because of safety issues. Too many points of entry when someone wants to break in. Yikes. But what can I do? It’s all I could afford, maxing out my budget…but I thank God that I think it’s in a very safe neighborhood. And that I will cherish. Even if I have to stay locked up like Fort Knox, I’ll still feel a million times better in a safer place.

Whatever day it was that I wrote a lot, I broke down crying when I was wandering around a store. I sat then and there to write and get things off my chest. An employee saw me, but I didn’t think she saw that I was upset. She must have. I was there again yesterday and she immediately greeted me with a big smile and told me how pretty I was. Wow. I knew she was lying. I hadn’t showered, had greasy hair, was wearing wrinkly days old clothes. I was disgusting. And she lied straight to my face, telling me I was pretty. God bless that woman! 😂 She was nice to me.

When I go days on end without interacting with other human beings, it makes me think no one cares. And it’s true and that’s ok. Not everyone knows you. Not everyone who does know you actually cares about you. Very, very few people know me and even less care. And that’s ok. That’s life. A lot of other people have it way worse.

I’m hoping today continues in the positivity of yesterday. Still plugging away…

Published May 29, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I feel like a failure for having such a terrible day yesterday. Today I slept most of the day away.

I was trying to figure out why I feel so bad about it. I think I’m just so fearful that people will think I’m crazy. I was thinking I don’t even want to tell my therapist because I don’t want her think I’ve backtracked at all.

But I’m such a f******g failure. It’s almost shocking to me. I was getting better for a while there. I can’t believe how quickly my mind goes back. I looked again at the field. It bothers me that it makes me feel relieved that the grass is high again. So instead I tried to spend time with my new tree. I sat out on my balcony and watched storm clouds roll by and heard the soothing rustling of the leaves in the wind.

And yet…if people really knew my thoughts, they’d think I was crazy. It’s not my fault, y’know. It’s really not. It’s not like I had a normal life and just took an odd turn. I’ve been battling this shit since I was 9 years old. And I’m tired of it. I’m so sick of twisted men that can’t be trusted. I’m sick of spineless women who protect them. No one…no one can be trusted. And how do I live normally in a world like that? How? It’s not possible.

Published May 28, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Today was the worst day in a long time. I don’t know why. I’m super emotional and incredibly agitated. And restless. I got a migraine today. Thankfully, it began to wane after about 6 hours. I still have one hell of a headache and I hope it doesn’t morph back into a migraine.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

A pattern I see is Sundays and church. When I go to church, I usually cry and have a terrible day from there on out. I skipped last Sunday just for that reason. I went today and had the worst day ever. I know I have a lot of anger and mistrust with God. Today I told him I was sorry for that… I don’t want him mad at me. But I’m just being honest with him when it comes to my anger. I am mad. I feel bad about it, but it’s still there nonetheless. I hope he has patience with me to wait for me to get over it.

I hate that when I stay away from church, I seemingly do better.

Today was so crazy- how upset I got, so quickly… I surprised myself even.

I want a family. That’s all I kept thinking about in church today. Maybe that’s why I got so upset? I think my pastor said something about no dream is too big for God. But that’s IF God intends on making your dreams come true. We’re not on this earth so God can coddle us and be our fairy godmother and make all our dreams come true. Right? So why go through life thinking he’ll do that? It’s not true.

And to compound things, one of the people I tried to connect with these last few days is one of my favorite teachers from waaaaaay back in high school. I can’t get a hold of her and I’m scared she’s dead. She was pretty elderly the last time I saw her. And she was single. She’d been married early on and got divorced pretty early on in life. She never remarried and never had children. I would go to her house to help her clean and move things she wasn’t strong enough to move. I saw how she lived alone and quiet and freaking alone…and more alone…and then some more alone. I always felt so bad for her. And now I am her. I’ve called both numbers I had for her 3 times. One is out of service- the other goes straight to voicemail. I’m pretty sure she’s gone. And I wondered who knew she died? Who was at her funeral? She had such a huge impact on me and I wasn’t even able to go to her funeral.

It makes me see that my fate is no different than hers. I’ll live my life out alone. It doesn’t matter if one of my “dreams” is to get married and have a family. Just because you want it, doesn’t mean God will do it. She died alone and maybe no one even noticed. The same will happen to me. I have no family. I have no one. I don’t want God to be mad at me even though I’m mad at him. That’s not fair of me to say, is it? I’m just so disillusioned with this life. I’m so over it. I’m so sick of seeing people hurt other people. I don’t want any part of that. I hate it.

Published May 27, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Numb. I cried during church today- 4 or 5 times. I lost count.

Then I left and had one drink. ONE. It must be that it’s mixed with the meds. I lost it. I’ve spent the last 4 hours weeping. Just absolutely weeping. A mess. I’m just so broken. I don’t know where to begin. And today in church I realized how much I distrust God. I don’t trust him to make things better. I just want a family. I want that so so much. But he won’t do it. And he won’t make anything else better either. This is the root of the problem.

Published May 27, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Today was the most unproductive day ever. It’s my second day of vacation and I have so much packing to do- but I’m so overwhelmed, I don’t know where to start. So I did what any sane person would do- I bought a tree.

I think I’m officially losing it.

I spent $19 on a small Aspen tree. I’ve always wanted an Aspen…the thing is I live in an apartment and can’t exactly plant my tree. It’s on my balcony for now. I was just trying to make myself happy…getting something I’ve wanted for years and years. I feel stupid having bought it, but it’s only $19 and it made me smile for half a minute there.

I also took a shower today. It’s the first one in…well, yeah…a while. I realized I was exhibiting depressive behaviors by not taking care of myself so that’s why I made it a point to clean up today. I did feel a little better.

I keep breaking down crying. I can’t believe how quickly my mind goes bad. I drove slowly past my field today and was pleased to see how high the grass is. Someone had been cutting it…. but it’s really high now. Ugh…but that brings back so many thoughts and memories I’m trying to subdue.

Even here. I know for a fact that my 911 friend doesn’t see this- and yet, I’m so, so paranoid to say anything negative here. It’s just not worth it. So for months, I’ve been keeping everything inside, locked up and suppressed. I feel like I’m pretending- almost like I’m playing house or something- pretending to be something I’m not.

I’ve taken advantage of my free time these last few days to reach out to some friends I haven’t talked to in a bit. I figure if I’m gonna live this life for however long, then I might as well be as supportive and loving to others as possible. I’d been neglecting that. Working a job and a half took up more time and energy than I realized. So I reached out to five of my old friends and reconnected. My friend with the marital problems told me he told his wife that we’ve been talking and she’s supportive of him getting a female perspective. I love that. She’s a really cool girl and I pray their relationship can be repaired. He’s so in love with her. He just doesn’t show it. I’m glad to be another female voice in his head pointing him in the direction needed. I really hope it all works out for them.

I have another friend I reached out to- I told him I was in the hospital. He didn’t know. I’d wanted to reach out to him months ago, but he’s my ex from junior high school- and so I just didn’t want to cross any lines. I respect his marriage and didn’t know if me reaching out to him in my time of need would bother his wife at all. I’ve never met her so we don’t know each other. But he’s one person I knew/ hoped deep down that he wouldn’t reject me no matter why I was in the hospital. And sure enough, he was super sweet about it all. He’s such a great guy.

Anyway…I have so much work to do packing and figuring things out and I haven’t been able to bring myself to do much of anything. Maybe I just need to bum around for a few days and de stress before tackling all of this.

Just don’t think. You’ll be fine. Just don’t think.

Published May 26, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Today was my first day off. I took a variety of extra sleeping pills last night and it worked like a charm. I slept all night and half the day. It was amazing. I ran around and busied myself doing a bunch of errands.

As occupied as I was, I still had so many bad moments I had to snap myself out of. I got really cold at one point and looked down and saw my scar was a dark purple color. It really stood out. Every time I see it, it brings me back there.

Another one of those times today, I got really lost in thought about my uncle. I imagined what it was like for him- to be sexually abused by his older brother, to tell people and to have no one believe him. No wonder he hated my dad and my family so much- people chose to put their trust in my dad over him. God…that’s got to be so incredibly difficult to swallow…that people don’t believe you were victimized and instead choose to believe the person who assaulted you. No wonder he committed suicide. I thought of this because I was thinking about the young girl who was raped last weekend. I’ve been talking with her nonstop, keeping tabs on how she’s doing and where the police are in their investigation. She told me her parents doubted her at first. I was shocked. Why in the world would a parent doubt their child when they say they’ve been raped?? It wasn’t until the hospital examination revealed physical proof that she was penetrated and wounded. She told me she thinks her parents doubted her because they knew she was sexually active. But when you say no (and she did) and when you tell your parents that…. why the hell would they need to be convinced?!?

That has been pissing me off for days now. Like REALLY PISSING ME OFF.

I never told my mom- not until over a decade later. And then she admitted she knew all along and did nothing to help. That’s the betrayal I have to deal with. My uncle had to deal with his mom choosing to protect her other son over him. This girl’s parents didn’t believe her until the results of the exam came back. This makes me sick. All of this makes me so disgusted.

I don’t want to detract from her pain in any way, but it’s been super painful for me to hear her go through details. I’m doing it for her- so she can vent. But God, it’s killing me. I cried once right in front of her. I just couldn’t hold it together.

I’m worried about her. Obviously.

And I’m here, trying to keep my mind occupied so it doesn’t go down a dark road. I’m eating my feelings. I’ve gained sooooo much weight over these last few months that I’m completely disgusted with myself. I’m gross. But I can’t stop eating. It’s my fault. I just can’t stop. When I’m alone (which is always) and I start to think bad things, I decide to get food. It distracts me and makes me temporarily happy. If I live through this, I’ll surely be obese.

Haven’t had a migraine in 2 days now. That is awesome. One started to come tonight, but it went away.

I wish. I wish I didn’t have to deal with my history and who my dad was. I wish my uncle was never assaulted. I wish he didn’t commit suicide, but I certainly understand why he did. I wish I didn’t come from this family and have these parents. But you can’t choose your mom and dad. Isn’t it God who chooses that for you? So why would he do this? Why would he choose to give me a dad who would sexually abuse me? Is that a loving God? Why would he choose to give me a mom who didn’t stand up for me? Why? I just don’t see how God is supposed to be a loving and protective “Father” when he orchestrates things like that. I just don’t understand.

I’m so confused by this and have been for over a year now- maybe it’s been 2 years? I don’t know and I don’t care. I just don’t get it. It pisses me off. I’m trying not to be an angry person. But I just don’t understand.