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All posts for the month December, 2017

Published December 30, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Things are ok. I’m with my best friend and her family. I’m already in such a better mood. She’s an incredible person and has the best influence on me. Plus, I adore her kids and her husband. They’re awesome. They’re all amazing people who are super loving.

They’re all sick though. So I’m cleaning their house for them. They wake up for a few hours and then fall back into bed. I’m having a good time cleaning- earning my keep. 😉 I’m glad to be able to help, especially when they don’t feel good.

They have a 16 year old son who’s been doing a little bit of self harm and has been sneaking out at night to be with his girlfriend. When he feels better, I want to talk with him about it. I’d like to think I’m gifted with talking to teenagers. Ah, who am I kidding? I’m not gifted at anything. We all know that. Anyway, I still want to talk with him and see what’s going on and if he’s ok. His parents aren’t really sure because he won’t talk with them about it. I pray he opens up with me…not sure if that will happen.

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Published December 29, 2017 by Chloe Madison

My mom told me I was garbage. 😣 The only plus side is she kept saying it in past tense- as if I wasn’t currently garbage. I responded, “MOM!!!!?” And she said, “Well, you WERE GARBAGE!” I’m so sick of her degrading me. She said this in front of my brother and his wife and his little children. 😓

She criticizes everyone- even strangers. Loudly. It’s embarrassing, but I follow behind her and apologize to people. It’s becoming ridiculous. She is so unwaveringly negative….it’s astounding. I don’t think I should deal with this anymore, but she’s my mom. My inclination is to keep my distance- for my own sanity- not to be rude or anything. But I swear, I really think she’s getting worse every time I see her.

She knows I’m struggling so hard with self-worth…and yet she couldn’t stop herself from saying something negative to me. 😞 I’m so over this.

It makes me want to disappear. It’s like…I feel so out of place or unwanted or alone or like I don’t fit in where I live. But when I go to my mom’s, it’s worse. I feel like there’s no place I have a respite where I can just be myself. I need that. I remember craving that so badly this past summer and literally wandering all over this God forsaken country, with no place to go….

I tried to focus on the positive. I posted only positive pics on Facebook. They were of my brother’s beautiful children. I love babies. 🤗 They’re so sweet and they won’t ever criticize you. Even though it gives the illusion that everything is wonderful, I’d rather post nice things on FB so I don’t spread negativity.

I’ve had several nightmares the last few nights. I remembered them when I woke up- but now I can’t recall them. One was bad. I couldn’t go back to sleep for hours after that one. But I’m sleeping more now- so I can’t complain.

My brother never asked why I was in the hospital. Neither did his wife. So I didn’t say a word about it. I wanted to tell him…I’m torn between not saying anything and wanting to say something, just so I can have his support. But it’s not fair to sacrifice his happiness so I can have his support in this. So I guess what God wanted to happen happened. I let it play out naturally.

I’ve been thinking about it so, so much lately. I don’t know why I can’t get it out of my head. I’m starting to just let my thoughts go with it. It makes me so mad that it’s not ok to think about this stuff or to do it. I think it should be legal and that people should just let others do as they please, as long as they’re not hurting anyone else. I think it’s completely f***ed up that I can’t do what I want with my own body. I saw that in the Netherlands, they’re trying to make it legal. I might need to go there just so I can be left alone and not be so paranoid to talk about it. I really wish I had someone to talk to about it that I could trust. That doesn’t exist though.

Published December 26, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Christmas Day has come and gone and we haven’t yet celebrated it. My 78 year old mom took a nap most of the day, leaving me alone to watch tv. No gifts given nor received. I warned my mom though- this Christmas I have absolutely nothing to offer but my company. And that’s not much to write home about. 😕

The highlight of my day was that I was charged with the responsibility of giving a bath to her dog, Lucky. This was his first bath since his surgery two weeks ago. He just lost one of his front legs. 😢 He has bone cancer and the vet said the only way to prevent it from continuing its rapid spread was to amputate. Even though I didn’t have much of a Christmas, giving this dog a bath seemed special to me. I’d like to think it was a task from God. My mom’s back is bad so she couldn’t have done it anyway. I took care to give Lucky the warmest, most gentle Christmas bath he could get. I wrapped him up in the softest blankets afterwards to keep him warm. I kept talking to him and kissing his little head and telling him he’d be ok. He’s learning to hop around on 3 legs already- he can even jump up on the couch and go up and down my mom’s 4 steps outside her front door.

The other good thing was an email I got from a friend. He’d just donated to the gofundme and I had sent him an email thanking him. Here was part of his reply:

This means a LOT to me. He’s the one I’d written about where the last time I saw him, he had just met his wife and I admired their godly relationship. We met each other when we spent a few months leading a missions trip in Madagascar. He’s a phenomenal guy. He’s been offering to fly me out to stay with his family in upstate NY. He offered for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s overwhelming how sweet and encouraging he’s been. I had contacted him a few months ago and told him I was struggling and asked for his prayer. When I was hospitalized, I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I didn’t tell him at first. I think I told him right before Thanksgiving. 😓 I wanted to be honest with him about how I was doing…but it’s so embarrassing to tell people that you got locked up in a mental hospital. That sucks. But if I want to feel fully supported by the people actually willing to support me, then they have to know the full truth. If they don’t know all of me and the shitty place I’m at in life, then I won’t feel fully loved. I’ll know that I hid part of myself and then I’ll believe they don’t actually love me because they don’t know everything. Does that even make sense? To me it does.

Tomorrow I increase my dosage of Zoloft again. Oph. I’m nervous. And tomorrow I take my mom down to my brother’s house. I’m super nervous about that. He’s been bothering me about why I was in the hospital. I kept telling him it’s a long story- I’ll tell him in person. But I have no intention of doing that. Yikes. 😬 I’d decided to NOT tell my brother because I don’t want to ruin his whole life, ruin his view and admiration of our father, or make him depressed. 😕 It’s not fair to dump that on him. But if I tell him I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, he’s going to judge me. It’s an automatic, sometimes even subconscious thing that people do. You’ve already done it- whether you realize it or not. Everyone has. I’m not mad- I’m just scared of the judgment. It’s not fair to me. It won’t be fair if my brother thinks I’m just a looney who’s on meds and who gets locked up.

But whatever. 🤷🏼‍♀️ That’s me. I have a good reason though- a good reason why I’m on meds and getting locked up. It’s just not an easy reason to openly share with people. Especially if it has the possibility of hurting people- like my brother.

And I don’t want to hurt anyone. 😓 Ever.

It’s hard enough scrolling through Facebook and seeing thousands of pictures of people with their big families and their Christmas trees and presents and all the smiles. Today, I got to bathe and snuggle a 3 legged dog and check on my mom as she napped all day.

But, I’m alive. Honestly, that’s more than I thought would happen right there. I’ve thought about it a lot, but I’m still here. So there’s that too.

Published December 25, 2017 by Chloe Madison

First, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. I hope all of you have some special people to spend the holidays with. I hope you can take joy in that.

I spent a few days sitting down and writing thank you notes to many people who have helped me out. I feel like saying thank you from the heart is the least I can do to show my appreciation. It still doesn’t adequately convey it…but I don’t know what else to do. It made me see how much I had to be thankful for. Just as I finished a note to one person, thinking I was done, someone else popped into my mind who I needed to thank. I’m very grateful- to people and to God. I still have a lot of anger and distrust of God, but I’m thankful, nonetheless.

Things have been very strange…almost like surreal the past few days. My skull or my brain feels numb. It stings a little bit. I’ve had a headache for two days now.

I had a dream of jumping off the Empire State Building. It was in semi-slow motion. I was holding my dog as I was falling. My back was to the ground and I was facing up to the night sky, facing my dog. He looked so scared that I pulled him close to my body and told him everything would be alright.

It was a disturbing dream. First and foremost, I would NEVER hurt anyone or anything. Ever. I don’t like that my dog went over the side with me in the dream. I had been thinking of all the people who have died recently- Annette, Caitlin, Kyle, Teresa, and Jason. I’d pictured in my mind the picture in the news of Kyle’s covered body as they removed him. I guess that’s where the dream came from since he jumped from Trump Tower.

It’s not my fault that I can’t stop thinking about this. I wish people wouldn’t get mad at me or distrust me because of my thoughts. I have no control over it. I can shove things out of my mind, but that only lasts a short time before the thoughts are gnawing at my brain again.

I’ve had a drink the last two nights. It makes me loopy with my meds, especially with the increased dosage. I’m not doing anything stupid like driving when I do that. Just going to sleep. It’s actually helped me sleep some.

I’ve been so exhausted and down lately that I haven’t had the energy to write. I can barely think straight.

Oh…let’s end on a positive note. This is the most romantic thing I’ve seen in a long time:

They carved it into the tree next to their house. Her husband is fiercely defending that tree. I love it. He is awesome- just like she was. Both of them are/ were amazing and special people. I don’t know…I just love this.

Published December 22, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Is it just that when you grow older, your friends don’t have time for you? They have spouses and work…and you routinely become an after thought. Am I being too sensitive? Not seeing things clearly?

This is an old friend…someone who was such a close friend, that she was supposed to be my bridesmaid in the wedding that never happened. And then when she met who would become her husband, she dropped off the face of the earth. I haven’t seen her in about 5 years. I’d loosely planned to go out to the northwest to see her and spend some time on the beach this past summer. But it never worked out. She went to France over the summer with her husband. I’d told her how I’d been struggling and she was one of the ones who just thought I had to toughen up and get over things. So I was reluctant to reach out to her anymore.

And now I find out that in one day she’s coming here and she’s just now telling me. I’m leaving the same day she comes in. Wonderful. 😞 But I didn’t know so there’s nothing I can do about it.

The fact that I’m constantly an afterthought to so many people makes me feel like complete dog shit someone is annoyed with and trying to scrape off the bottom of their shoe.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. My friends who refused to visit me in the hospital cancelled on me left and right when we were supposed to hang out. I had literally only seen them four times during all of 2017. And another friend who moved didn’t have time to stop and see me when we were in the same place. I’ll never forget how much that hurt me. It really put things into perspective with what people TRULY value and have as their priorities…and where I fall on the bottom of that list.

I guess it’s a reality I just need to grasp and swallow. It’s not going away.

But it forces me to reflect on myself and wonder what I’m doing wrong. ? I have no clue. I know I’m hurting and that’s about all I can wrap my brain around.

At first I thought maybe just as adults with families, long distance friends grow apart. ? When they struggle, they have their own families and spouses to rely on, to talk to, to lean on. I don’t. I have no one. So I reach out to my friends and then sure enough, they don’t have time for me.

I feel like shit. Like a worthless piece of shit.

My friend is coming to the city and state I live in and didn’t have time to tell me or make plans to see me. Ok…what do I do with that? How do I make my feelings not get hurt?

I also wonder if it’s because I’m depressed and I know I’m not much fun to be with. Do people stay away because of that? If not, what is it?? I can’t fix it if I don’t know. And it really hurts.

This is already shaping up to be a great holiday. I don’t know…I never could see January….