anxiety

All posts tagged anxiety

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Published August 13, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I wrote a long post last night and was too embarrassed to publish it. It was about feeling unwanted, left out, and not fitting in. 

I have no handle, like no idea what’s wrong with me. I mean, I know what issues I’m dealing with. I just don’t understand how that reflects or translates on to the public or relationships. 

My thought is that If I survive this (which is not likely), then I’ll be destined to a life of a recluse. I just don’t see it panning out any other way. 

I have nothing to offer anyone. Even to someone who’s hurting…it should be relatively easy to help or do something that can make a hurting person’s day better. Am I wrong? Maybe I am. I’m just so empty inside. Hollow isn’t even a strong enough word to describe it…it’s more like a huge vacuum. I just have absolutely nothing to offer. 

I’m on a plane right now and we’re over the ocean. I think how beautiful it is and how much I wish our plane would go down. I surely don’t want to hurt anyone else, but it seems fitting for my life to end. 

Defunct. This is the word I think of when I think of how I’m going to keep functioning in society. Things are getting worse and worse. I’m getting worse and worse. More and more depressed, more dysfunctional in relationships, more socially dysfunctional, less able to function as an adult. God. This is why I don’t see anything ending “well.” 

I feel like I’m beyond help. No one can fix this. 

Rant

Published August 4, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Rant coming. Go away if you don’t feel like listening to someone whine and bitch and complain. Seriously. Go. TF. Away. Cause I need to do this.

I am so, so angry and so incredibly hurt. I don’t know how to handle it. I’m sick of people who don’t have not one f**king hour to stop and take the time. I really hate this. 

I don’t even like this place anymore. The allure is gone. I guess it’s because when I’m here, every thing I see, every place reminds me of being alone. The word “desolate” comes to mind over and over again. It’s like a barren desert for my heart and my soul. There’s nothing here. 

So as I was just in two different places these last few weeks, I thought about moving there. But I realized that wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t make me happy. Nothing will. 

I fantasized about quitting my job, taking what little I have in an IRA, and disappearing. I thought maybe I could leave the country- maybe go live on a cheap island somewhere. My IRA money would probably only last a year. But maybe I could try to be happy and escape stress for just one year. 

But it wouldn’t work, would it? I’d be partially content exploring a new location for maybe a week- tops. Then, the same loneliness, the same sadness, the same depression, isolation, confusion, being unwanted, worthlessness…all that would still be there. So I guess there’s no point in trying. 

I just drove 30+ hours without a sound. I didn’t listen to anything….I just thought and thought and thought. It was so quiet in my car…and yet, inside I was raging. It reminded me of this movie I just saw where this little child who is adopted rages uncontrollably. I saw myself sitting there in defeaning silence and yet, seeing the inside of me, which was nothing but chaos. 

The movie I saw was “Lion.” I watched it twice. It’s was incredibly compelling. The flashbacks of the main character were represented so well- how we’re in the present moment, but relive a past moment, and then are left in the present as if we were still in the past. I’m sure that doesn’t make sense. But the character I identified most with was not the main character- it was his adopted brother. When the family adopted his brother, the little boy raged- he screamed, yelled, cried. That’s EXACTLY how I see myself. Raging uncontrollably…inside. 

I just told someone how I wanted to slip overboard in the dead of night. There were three different nights- the last one was so close. The air and water temperatures had chilled considerably and I thought hypothermia was a viable possibility for a timely expiration. I was only stopped because someone accidentally walked up on it. Then I told them how I stayed in my car overnight in the middle of nowhere and how I was awoken by tornado sirens at 5 something in the morning. I saw all the semi trucks start up and scatter and I wondered how they knew which way to go to escape a tornado. They all quickly disappeared in the torrential downpour. I decided to lay back down and I told God to take me. I listened to tornado sirens for a solid 20 minutes. Hard rain. Lots of wind. Nothing else. The person I told laughed- I guess they thought I was joking. 😳

I feel like I had just started to trust human beings again. We’re truly horrible, terrible creatures, if you think about it. Only humans are capable of the most insane atrocities that could ever be imagined. But my trust is gone. People use words to appease. But I’m not stupid enough to believe it anymore. 

I think…I don’t know. I mean, I know we’re “created” for community. And that explains a human being’s longing for connection and interaction with other humans. And not surprisingly, that’s the core cause of addiction- the need for people to connect with something. Addicts didn’t have healthy relationships, healthy connections- but the desire was so deep, so desperate to connect- that they chose to connect with anything they could.

I’ve not connnected for years (minus the connecting I had just started to do)…and even though the loneliness was killing me, at least I never got hurt. People hurt. People disappoint. People say one thing, then do another that’s entirely contradicting. People simply can’t be trusted. And I’m ok with that. That’s why I don’t trust. It’s a simple concept- you start to trust, you get hurt. I know people aren’t perfect. I’m not expecting them to be. But, damn. 

I don’t want to feel this anymore. The only way to ensure I don’t feel this again is to simply not trust. It’s easy. Maybe too easy. And I know…not the “healthiest” choice. But whatever. I have NOT A SOUL to fall back on. I’m not married, no children, very very few family members still alive. I’ve got no one. So when I’m hurt, I’m left with nothing but myself and God. 

And lately, he’s not talking to me. I’ve asked him why he let that happen, why he couldn’t just fix things…

And I get nothing. 

Silence.

Now…that’s not new for God and I. I know he’s there. I feel like he doesn’t like talking with me that much. And he surely doesn’t like appeasing me. 

So here I am. 

Nothing but broken bits. So smashed that the pieces will never be whole again. 

Bound to be free

Published July 26, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I have had this visual in my head for a long time now. My wrists are bound by a strong impenetrable rope. Hands are on my face and my chest, pushing on me and holding me down as I fight back. I decide that I can win the fight if only I can free my hands. But the rope is like steel- it won’t ever break. So I see that the only way to get free is to sever my own hands. I begin the process of twisting my wrists back and forth against the friction of the rope. It burns as it tears at my skin. I know this rope, as strong as steel, will wear away at my bones too. Once I sever my hands, I can be free. 

Dazed and Confused

Published July 15, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’ve been so out of my own brain lately. Does that even make sense? A whole day will go by…16-17 hours awake and going around and I have no idea what I did. It’s like my brain is floating in a cloud. 

Today was already so difficult. I had virtually no sleep last night. I took sleeping pills and everything. TV off, phone down, wide awake and absolutely anxiety ridden. This was the first night in weeks that I hadn’t combined alcohol with sleeping pills. (I’ve been trying to figure out why last night was different than any other night.) I’m so grateful that I don’t have to work at the moment- that it’s ok that I’m sleepless and it’s ok that I’m wandering around like a zombie. I’m screwed when I need to get back to work and actually accomplish something. That was part of my anxiety- worrying how the hell I can be productive at work… and how relieved I was when I thought about …and never having to return to work again!

So as pathetic as it sounds, I was already crying before 10am. I also had so much raging anger- in my head, I was directing it toward everyone, even though no one deserves it.

Wow. I’m a mess, I know it. 

I am so looking forward to getting away though- I know it’s an escape, but that’s ok. I’m going to run while I have the chance. When work starts back up, I’ll be trapped and won’t be able to escape at all. So I’m going to indulge in it now while I can. And I can’t wait to be near the sea. I adore it!! It will be beneficial, satisfying, and hopefully soothing for my soul. I’m also looking forward to spending time with God, reading, talking to- and most importantly, listening to God. I really need to work on that and being away will hopefully afford me with better concentration and less distraction. 

For some reason, I’m also excited to visit Annette again. There’s something so special about her. I know it will tear me up to spend time with her, but I don’t care. She really needs it and I’m excited to do it. 

This particular blog is nothing but me whining, but I’m following orders of my therapist and continuing to write, much more than usual. I haven’t been able to publish the post about my last EMDR session- I wrote out choppy phrases of what occurred with the intention of revisiting it to form actual sentences. I’m just not ready to revisit yet. Maybe soon. 

I don’t know how to keep things out of my head