sadness

All posts tagged sadness

Published June 23, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Regardless of how this post ends, today was actually a pretty good day. And I am so grateful for that! Things went smoother than expected and I got a lot done. Most importantly, I spent time reading through and praying through a series of prayers. It was pretty amazing. It fed me with strength, love for our God, connection with the Spirit, and hope for the future. I want to read/ pray through that often. I need it. I spent most of the day in this frame of mind. It was refreshing. I almost don’t even want to write this next part. 

I’m doing everything in my power to see my friends one final time. That’s important to me. And if I don’t get to, then… that’s just how it is. 

I’m full of conflicted feelings, mentalities, and outlooks. I’m trying to look on the bright side of what’s waiting back home for me: a great (albeit stressful) job with kids that I love, a super awesome church with some pretty great people and an amazing pastor, counseling which could lead to healing, and a new place- the nicest place I have ever lived in. Not to mention, I live in one of the most beautiful states in this country. But when I think of driving back home, leaving my friends and family behind, I think of emptiness. Like there’s nothing for me back there. Nothing. And then I find myself comforted again by the idea of the end…in a remote, quiet, never to be found location.

I sat outside this evening in the rain, observing, listening to, and enjoying nature in all its beauty. I imagined dying when it’s raining. It’s like maybe…  God would be weeping with me. 

This Noise

Published June 21, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Down in the field of grass across the way

The deserts of Utah in some remote slot canyon, miles from civilization

On the gun range, right then and there

Then, I go back to how I had originally planned, over a decade ago. Some remote cabin, white fluffy, comfortable bedding, and an overdose. I remember I never made it to a remote place before attempting. The overdose didn’t go as planned either. I thought I’d fall into a deep sleep and if I seized or threw up or something, I’d do it unconsciously, without ever being aware. I remember waking up- what woke me was the feeling of nausea. I ran to the bathroom, collapsed on the floor from weakness, pulled myself up to the rim of the toilet and vomited. Then, I collapsed back onto the floor. I remember staring at the roof of my bathroom and feeling all kinds of weird sensations- my skin was cold and clammy, my heartbeat was irregular, I was shaking, and felt like I couldn’t breathe well. I remember being scared, thinking this was it, and being kind of irritated that it wasn’t as smooth going as I had hoped. It seemed to me that lots of people seem to die peacefully in their sleep from an overdose. Why couldn’t I?

I briefly stared at the roof of the bathroom as I lay sprawled out onto the floor in whatever awkward position I fell in. In seconds, I gave up and closed my eyes. 

The next day I awoke, confused and feeling awful…and staring at the roof of the bathroom again, trying to figure out what happened. I was angry and disappointed that I wasn’t successful. I thought maybe vomiting is what did it- maybe my body was able to get rid of the toxins too quickly and too easily. 

That’s why when I think of this way now- I think of taking further steps. Lots of sleeping pills to make sure I won’t wake up so I can’t run and vomit. Even if I vomit while out, I can easily aspirate some and choke and die. And now, I have this little heart issue- I think it would be relatively easy to stress my heart to a breaking point. I’m pretty sure that will make things easier. 

Also, I had never thought of afterward- who would find the body. Now…now, I know for sure that I don’t want anyone to ever find it. I’m not trying to hurt or traumatize anyone. So I’d certainly go far, far away out in the middle of nowhere and just be considered a missing person. Someone might come across my dried bones in a few decades or so. 

If I could insert music into this post, I’d insert this entire album.

It won’t give up, it wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

This time is so different. Last time, I was overly emotional, had thought deeply about it for at least two years, couldn’t stop weeping, wrote out a note, and willed things to people. This time there’s none of that- except maybe the fact that I’ve thought about it for about a year now. I’m not overly emotional- on the contrary, it seems like a peaceful decision even though I’m deeply sad. I feel like it’s the right thing to do (even though no one will ever understand that). The other part is the finality of it all- it seems so much more final this time…and I’m oddly ok with that. 

But…this time, I feel God himself has stepped in…

My thoughts go from semi-happy, loving people, being thankful for people and things that have happened…to all the ways it could go down. 

I feel in control again now. I can do what I want, when I want and the only one who can stop me is God. 

And then I think of that. And how in just the last few weeks, he’s done that multiple times. It makes me shake my head, confused and wondering why he would want me to live. I just don’t get it. 

EMDR 3

Published June 21, 2017 by Chloe Madison

This was an extemely emotional session- I was crying before I even went in (about other stuff though). I feel so deeply tired, like I can’t move my body. Almost like I’m drunk, my body feels numb and tingly and heavy.

We had a discussion about what’s real or not in EMDR and how could Jesus be bringing forward my dad if I don’t even think my dad’s in heaven. If it’s not real, then how can this bring healing? This was important to discuss because it’s even distracting me during sessions. I wonder how much of what’s happening during EMDR is just wishful thinking on my part and how much of it is real healing that’s occurring. So we only did 20 minutes of actual EMDR.

I realize I have new anger with my dad- so much more than before. I’m incredibly angry about the life his actions have taken and the multiple lives it’s ruined.

We picked up where we left off- my dad was there with a sad face and big, questioning eyes, (waiting for me to either forgive or accept him or hug him or something) and Jesus was behind me. I pushed myself back into Jesus- not wanting to move toward my dad and wanting to rest/ rely on Jesus or to know that he’s still there for me.

Jesus and I were standing the same pool of water. The water changed from blue to red, as I was avoiding looking at Jesus because I really wasn’t ready to move toward my dad. I remembered that Jesus nudged me the last time to go toward my dad, but since I didn’t feel ready, I felt ashamed to look Jesus in the face.

The red crept up from the water and moved into the sky and everything became a deep red- I thought Jesus was leaving, but I remembered that’s what the color purple represents. I’m not sure what the red was all about. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see green grass sprouting up.

Out of the green, blooms a single yellow orchid (which reminds me of my dad because he grew orchids- there’s even a brown orchid with a fuchsia and yellow center named after my dad, called the Charlie Orchid.) 

The Charlie Orchid


The grass morphs into the orchid plant and in fast forward motion, whole sprays of yellow orchids shoot out and bloom. I see a caretaker of the orchid plant- someone (only a shadow) bent over the plant. I think it might be my uncle (because he and his wife grew orchids after my dad died). It turns out it is my uncle. He looks up and talks, but I can’t hear him. I really want to hear what he’s saying so I tell him that I can’t hear him. He gets up close to me, smiles a great big smile and loudly says with a funny, sarcastic attitude, “What I said was…” and then he keeps talking but I can’t hear him again. His mouth moves, but he’s silent. 

I turn to ask Jesus to help out here- to help me understand what my uncle is saying. I think I forgot some parts that happened in between…but I see my uncle smile like I have literally never seen him smile before and he gives a side hug to my dad, who’s also smiling. I immediately think it’s fake. This isn’t real- there’s no way everything is all hunky dory between them. (This is where I question the veracity of EMDR). 
? I don’t remember, but I think I look back at Jesus to see if this (my dad and uncle hugging and smiling) is real- to get confirmation. Jesus looks different this time though. He looks like a real person- not like the glowing light he was before. 

⬆️⬇️ don’t know which happened first 

? At some point, I’m avoiding looking at Jesus and I look down and play around with the water, letting my hands glide over the top of the blue water. The water slowly turns white. After all the water turns white, where Jesus and I are standing together, the water begins to glow a warm yellow. I feel warmth on my back where Jesus is. I think I turn to see him. And then I turn back to see where my uncle and dad are- it’s like I’m checking to make sure they’re not the same- like there are no tricks or anything. (?)

I look directly at Jesus and ask him to talk to me, I ask, “What do you want me to know?” He says in the most convincing, sincere and compassionate way I’ve ever heard, “I LOVE you.” He continues, “I’m here with you… (and he says something else and something else- I can’t remember)…and “choose life. Choose MY life.” Jesus hugs me and holds me and says the same things all over again. I’m confused with what he means by choose “my life.” I ask him and he says, to choose the life that he has for me. I ask him to explain to me how to do that, to show me that. In response, I no longer see any visuals- I hear “scriptures” over and over again. I’m mildly annoyed by this because it’s a vague answer and It’s always been hard for me to discern the meaning or the direction that some scriptures point you in. But “scripture” was the very clear answer. 

Published June 19, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I tried so hard not to write here today. I haven’t been able to stop crying for the last…I don’t know how many hours. I have this weird attitude of “F**k everybody”- but I don’t know where that’s coming from because I care incredibly deeply and love everyone I can think of way too much. 😦

I packed…half the time I was packing for a trip to see my mom and brother and half the time I was packing for – . I just want to cancel everything for tomorrow- not show up, not be there, just go away. I can’t handle this. I thought I could, but I was wrong. I did surprise myself by successfully avoiding thinking about the gravity of things today- until everyone left and I was alone. It only took seconds before I was in tears and I can’t stop. 

My trip- I was looking forward to seeing my beautiful little niece and meeting my new nephew. I wasn’t looking forward to acting like everything was fine with my mom and brother. When I look at pictures of my nephew…geeze, he looks so much like my father. And they named the baby after him- I’m not ready to hear that name, especially over and over again. 😦

I was really looking forward to seeing my best friend on this trip. Her entire family puts me in such a great mood!  I don’t know why her four kids love me so much, but they do. They scream my name and tackle me with hugs and it’s the best! They all want to spend time with me until the wee hours of the morning and I love it!! My best friend, alone, is such a good natured person. I adore spending time with her. Spending a week with her family was going to be so good for my soul. But I won’t get to see her. Her dad fell and has been in the hospital. They’re pretty sure they’re canceling their trip to Florida- so that’s out. I was thinking of driving to Houston so I could still see them and spend time with them. But I don’t want to be in the way when they have so much other stuff going on. I’d love to be there to support her, but I’m afraid I might be more draining than of help to her. 

That makes me all the more grateful for the time I got to spend with a family here. It did so much good for my soul. I’m actually still in shock with how much that family went out of their way to support me and surround me with love. I am forever grateful. But that’s also the cause of my pain today. They’re leaving the country and I truly don’t think I’ll ever see them again. I am devastated. So incredibly devastated. :_(  But again, I’m so grateful for them and for my time with them. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered people like that- people who have gone so above and beyond to help someone. I feel like no matter what I do, I can never repay that. I thank God for them and will pray for them every day that I’m alive. But I REFUSE to get in the way of whatever God has for them. I don’t want to burden them any longer and I don’t want them to worry anymore. It’s not fair to them. 😦

I’m fighting the urge to run- the massive urge that would be comforting to ignore my two meetings tomorrow. I think in the end, I’ll just go through the motions, go through with everything hungover, act like everything’s alright-just like I did today…and then, God knows what. I can’t promise anything. I’m already fighting myself. It’s really up to God at this point. 

Embrace the Suck

Published June 14, 2017 by Chloe Madison


I’m trying to tell myself to put on my big girl pants, grow up, and man up. But the future is really going to suck hard. It’s already more difficult than I thought it would be. I keep thinking of what I learned in academy: Embrace the Suck. It’s a military phrase meaning the situation is bad, but you have no choice so you need to deal with it. The fact that I’m having such a hard time makes me feel embarrassed to be so weak.

I have so much to do today and I don’t even want to move. Actually, I do- I just want to get in my car and go far, far away…ignore and forget about everything back here. I know, it’s not the most mature outlook, but it’s where I’m at right now. 

The other day I went to a beautiful place overlooking a section of the town. All I could think about was how idyllic everyone else’s life seemed and wanting to end it all. I was confused because I was looking at beautiful scenery and thinking negative thoughts. I didn’t get it and I still don’t. 

I feel so nauseated. Already threw up once today. I just don’t see how things can turn out well. 

EMDR session #1

Published June 10, 2017 by Chloe Madison

You’re supposed to focus on a picture of the most distressing part of the issue you’re dealing with. Then, you decide what’s the biggest negative feeling you have about it. I wept throughout this entire session- not sure why.

I have a picture in my head of my uncle’s suicide- his body laying face down in the grass, the stark contrast of the red blood on the green grass. 

The feeling I have is that I should have been more understanding of him, I should have known (what I didn’t know yet) about his abuse by my dad. I should have been more compassionate. 

I feel pain in my heart and chest- it blows up, swells, and feels like it’s going to burst. The pain moves up through my neck and into my head. I feel like my head is going to explode as the pain swells greater and greater. I feel like the explosion will come out of my eyes and my head will shatter. 

So I turn away from the sight because I can’t deal. I keep trying to move away and I feel like I start to float away from the scene. As much as I turn my head in that direction, wanting to move away from the scene of the suicide, I feel obligated to return. It’s the right thing to do. It’s like I just can’t turn my back on my uncle- it’s not his fault. 

I feel like I need to talk with my aunt to tell her the truth. (In reality, my uncle had been sexually abused my my dad when they were younger- my uncle told several people, but no one ever believed him. He spent most of his life depressed and eventually committed suicide). So I feel like I need to tell my aunt that my uncle was telling the truth. But I don’t want to because I’m afraid it will crush her. I see us talking in fast forward with no words.

We move into her house and we begin to become submerged in blue water that’s all throughout the house. The water stands for truth. We soak in the water up to our mouths- our entire bodies are submerged and part of our heads- up to the level of our mouths. We don’t talk anymore, we just soak in the truth. I can tell it’s going to take her time to take it all in (just like it took me time to digest everything). 

As we’re soaking in the blue water, I notice the sky turns a deep red. It becomes a dark maroon, like something foreboding is coming. But there’s a lighter, circular spot that develops in the sky. In the deep red sky, this lighter spot turns into an orange color, then fades into yellow. I feel like Jesus is going to come through that spot on a chariot or something. 

But I don’t let him. Even though I don’t have the power to stop God, I push back and don’t let him come out of the sky. The sky begins to turn a deep purple. I feel like it’s a signal that Jesus is permanently leaving. (The therapist says at this point that it’s our choice to follow Jesus and allow Him to work.) 

So I realize the mistake I’m making and I say, “Sorry! Come back, come back!” I don’t quite remember, but I think the sky turns from purple to orange. I rise up out of the blue pool to get a better look to see if Jesus is coming back. I keep rising up and as I do, I’m spinning and floating upwards, looking all around. I don’t see Jesus, but I get the feeling that he’s all around me. I look up, directly overhead and I see a circular area that’s made up of a whiter light (this reminds me of the very end of Twister when they look up into the middle of the tornado). I’m floating up into this white light. 

I feel like it could be God carrying me up into Heaven, perhaps for a visit. I want to visit my uncle and think that maybe I’ll see everyone there. I see the shadows of all my family members who have passed on. But then I see all the shadows of everyone fade and back away. One person floats forward (he’s a dark shadow with a bigger belly) so I think it’s my dad. I never see him clearly so I’m not sure. I wanted to check on my uncle so I keep thinking my dad will fade and my uncle will come forward. But it doesn’t happen. 

My dad keeps coming forward. He puts his arm around me, his hand on my shoulder and I think he says he needs to tell me something. He says, “I’m so very sorry.” Well, this is all I’ve ever wanted to hear! So I wonder if it’s real or imagined. I think I asked him if he apologized to my uncle…I wanted to make sure they’ve resolved things. He says, “I never meant to hurt you.” I think he said I love you. I don’t seem to receive these messages too warmly as I find myself still preoccupied with wanting to know if he’s resolved things with my uncle and if my uncle is ok. He asks me for forgiveness. I kind of hold off answering, almost like- well, if you apologized to Uncle Gary, then yes- if you didn’t, then no. I’m preoccupied with the injustice my uncle dealt with his entire life. Then my dad says, “Justice is not yours, it’s the Lord’s.” It makes me think of academy and wanting to help others get justice because my uncle never got it and I never did either. 

I tell my dad, “Of course I forgive you. I always have.” We go to hug, but I pause in the embrace. I question if it’s safe. I hold off hugging because I keep questioning the safety/ protection of the situation because it wasn’t safe before. I then see another person’s face- a giant sized face just floating there. This is a safe person, but I try to push that face away because it has nothing to do with the situation. The same giant face comes back again- this time the face itself is faded, but I recognize other facial features. I push it away again, thinking it doesn’t belong (except for the fact that it is a safe person). I can’t quite remember what happens next. 

I don’t know. I think we never fully hug. I think I inquire about my uncle again. My dad answers with something like- he did or said what he had to/ needed to me. (I notice we’re running out of time in the session.) I keep thinking my indecision to embrace or my indecision about whether hugging my dad is safe or questioning about my uncle is making Heaven impatient with me. The white light we’ve been in turns dark purple and I feel like I’m running out of time. They’re going to send me away. 

I descend back to Earth, back toward the pool of blue water. I look up and see my dad’s hand is reaching down to me. I reach up to him, but we’re too far away. God doesn’t let us touch or let us have more time. I keep descending and his hand fades away. 

I can see my aunt again in the water with me. I ask her if she understands now. There’s no response. I’m distracted by the sky turning orange. I see a light circular spot developing again in the sky. I think it’s Jesus coming back. I can’t remember, but I think I decide that  I don’t want to push him away again. 

I think it ends there. I’m not sure. I don’t remember. 

Good grief

Published March 6, 2017 by Chloe Madison

charlie-brown-sad-e1389021596408

Today was…odd.

I started out at church and aside from the usual distractions of envisioning Joe walking in and my subsequent fear and freak out, I had an unusually hard time focusing. I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t sing with everyone…for some weird reason, I couldn’t even look at my pastor when he was preaching. I have no idea what that was all about! (?!) I may as well not have gone to church at all. I couldn’t even tell you what the sermon was on- I remember one word: obedience. And that alone makes me feel guilty because I’ve been so self-absorbed lately that there’s no way I’m being obedient to God.

After I left church, I went out in nature and spent a lot of time with God. My thoughts raced from topic to topic and I found myself still withdrawing from others by not responding to texts and messages…I felt (and still feel) like my mind is high up in a foggy cloud. It’s difficult to concentrate on anything except my current crisis. That can’t be healthy.

At the end of the day as I was driving home, I had a sudden realization:

The anger, the overwhelming sadness, the surprising and ever-present irritability…this is all a part of the various stages of grief!

grief-cycle

Until I looked at the Kubler-Ross model for the five stages of grief, I didn’t even realize that my writing here, needing to reach out to someone, needing to talk about things so badly- was actually one of the stages: Dialogue and Bargaining.

I feel like such an idiot for not realizing this sooner, but regardless…this is such great news to me. It’s a huge relief to see that I’m simply grieving. I was worried it was so much more than that. I truly thought I’d end up dead this time. I still can’t promise that I won’t. Wanting to die invades nearly every moment of my life. That’s not a part of these stages of grief. But, I honestly feel so much better realizing that all the crazy emotions recently are a part of grieving and that’s allowed me see light at the end of this dark, consuming tunnel.

After my last post that was so incredibly despondent (at least to me it was), I felt I had to share this new realization. I mean, this is good news, right?

I do believe God was the one who made me realize this…as an answer to prayer, to lessen my load and my anxiety about my life and thoughts spinning out of control. I just need to trust God, my Father and hang in there. Easy, right?

man-hanging-from-cliff-325x325