ptsd

All posts tagged ptsd

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Published September 18, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Things are getting worse and worse. I’m getting worse and worse. I’m so full of hate and anger- and most of it is directed toward myself. Every single day, I self-medicate. Nearly every week for a while now, I’ve gone even further.

I cried all day long today. I was walking and crying and talking with God. I was asking God what’s wrong with me. Why am I all alone? Why can’t I keep friends? Then, of course, I asked God to take me. Again. I tried to reason with him- telling him how I’m no good here. I’m no good to anyone or for anyone.  I’m not helping anyone with my life. I’m not pointing anyone to God. Not a single soul on this earth is benefitting from me. I’m absolutley useless. And then there’s just my own selfish point of view. My life is hard. It’s lonely. I’m struggling with all these traumatic issues and I’m struggling financially and I don’t ever see that changing. I just don’t have it in me to keep fighting and clawing my way through life. 

But I need to return to the fact that there must be something wrong with me- with the fact that I can’t keep friendships. I am the common denominator here. I’m not blind to that fact. I question myself constantly. I wonder if the shortcomings that I see in others are really my own? 

I know I’ve purposely withdrawn from everyone– people I’m close to, people I barely know…

I have a good friend that I lost today. I have point blank told her straight up that I need her, that I’m suicidal…and she still can’t seem to find not even 10 minutes to spend with me. I keep thinking I must be unreasonable in some way, that I must be doing something wrong to push her away…maybe I am and I’m too blind to see? I have a feeling my roommate (her friend) has been filling her head with negativity about me. Maybe I’m being paranoid- maybe that’s not the case. But I can’t figure anything else out. I’ve asked her over and over and over again to simply hang out, meet for drinks, meet up for dinner…every single time the answer is no. Yet, she has time to meet up with other friends. So I thought maybe I just wasn’t communicating my desperation, the seriousness of my current situation…I thought if I did that, surely she could repriorotize and find some time for me. So, in March, after battling this depression alone for 8 months, I finally told her everything I was struggling with. She acted all concerned at the time, but then I didn’t see her for 4 months. After so many ******** these last 2 months, I decided to reach out to her again. She’s my oldest and closest friend here. You would think she would want to help. But to my shock…no. And I’m having a hard time digesting that. 

Today, I sent her a message. I told her again how I’m suicidal and really need her friendship right now. I honestly give up. I should have given up a long time ago. Our “friendship” has dwindled over the years. She’s always been too busy to spend any time. I just thought maybe she would repriorotize for once and go out of her way to make some time. Obviously, I’m wrong. And truthfully, that’s devastating. It simply confirms my inner dialogue that says no one cares, I’m worth nothing, I’m not even worth an hour of anyone’s time. This truth hurts and tears away at me, disintegrating my insides. But it is truth. I need to man up and deal with it. 

This does make me incredibly grateful for some amazing friends that I do have. The problem is that every single one of those friends is very, very far away. There’s only so much they can do. But they are amazing people and have taught me how incredible friendship can be. I’m learning from all of them. I’m learning a lot. 

I’m even to the point of thinking about moving away from here. I have no one here. I feel so isolated that it’s ridiculous. And yet, when I think about it, I know it won’t solve any of my problems. I’d love to live closer to a best friend- but all my friends are married and do have lives full of work, spouses, children, other concerns. I’m afraid to expect too much from anyone. I know people can’t solve my problems anyway. I’m really not expecting them to. 
I know I need to look to God. I asked him to take me tonight- like, take my life. I’ve asked that so many times and have gotten frustrated so many times because he hasn’t. After almost immediately realizing God wouldn’t be doing that for me, I then asked him to take my life- as in, use it. Use it for others. Use it for his kingdom. I don’t see how God can (nor will) use someone as lame and weak and useless as I am. And I also know that truthfully…I’ve been running from God. I’ve had my back turned to him and every time he even taps me on the shoulder, I take off running. I’m not quite sure what that’s all about. But I know I’m the one to blame. With everything. And everyone. I own that. 

Friends or no friends, alone or with someone by my side… 

I don’t know that I can carry on…

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F**k all these people

Published August 21, 2017 by Chloe Madison

My heart is overwhelmed with sadness. I know I just said I didn’t feel anything. I’m confused at the polarity between overwhelming, disabling emotions and numbness. 

Evil runs in the family

 
I refuse to accept that my bloodline has so much betrayal, deception, disgusting illness, and perversion flowing through it. It’s not denial. It’s simply me not wanting this to be a part of who I am. I have enough bullshit with all the abuse and rape to deal with- it’s confounding to think there’s more.

I think this is affecting me physically. I’ve had bronchitis since late June. Now I also have a bacterial infection from it and sinusitis. I’m physically exhausted. In the summer, that was ok because I could rest whenever necessary. Now it’s taking a toll on me. My insides feel like they’ve been gouged out. I physically feel empty, like my insides have been scraped out from me.

My insomnia has gotten so much worse. I’m taking more sleeping pills than ever and it will help me fall asleep eventually, but I can never stay asleep for more than 2 hours now. It’s literally driving me mad. 

I have a weekend coming up where I’ll be all alone. I’m thinking this is the perfect time. I’ll have the privacy that I want- I can still go somewhere else if I want. I’ll actually be able to do whatever I want. Or…I can wait for the long weekend where I’ll have several days to get away before anyone notices anything. To be honest, I’m still up in the air with what to do- if I’ll do anything at all. If you had asked me yesterday, it was a sure thing. Now, I’m not sure yet. 

But…this is the most lucid thing that I can think of. Work, talking to people, living, driving, all other aspects of life are a blur. Except for this- ending it is the most lucid thought I have. It makes the most sense. 

The guy here, locally – his name is Joe. He’s an attorney now so he’s goes by Joseph. The fact that he’s an attorney intimidates me beyond what I’m able to express. I’m so fearful of him. It’s ridiculous. 


This is Joe. His wife looks just like me and he has 3 children now. I’m not quite sure what to think about that. It’s very unsettling.

Then there’s the guy who repeatedly sexually assaulted me, beginning when I was 9. His name is Rene. I can’t even say his name out loud. I haven’t said that name in decades. He’s disgusting. He’s an old man now.


That’s him. I think he might be/ might have been married, I think he has a daughter. I’m not sure. He’s on the other side of the country so I feel relatively safe from him. That’s why I don’t even care to research and find out about him. I don’t want to know anything. I know all I need to know. He’s absolutely fucking disgusting. 

Joe scares me the most- mainly because he’s close and he’s in such a high powered position. Now that I’ve said his name and shown his picture, I’m just waiting for a lawsuit (in the very least)- even though I didn’t say his last name and my blog is anonymous- I’m still very fearful he’ll somehow find out and immediately sue me to protect himself. I wouldn’t be surprised if I change my mind and delete his picture soon.

Then there’s my dad. We’re not even going to go there. 

I wanted to show their names and faces before I go. No one can do anything about it. But I didn’t want to leave this earth and not have their names be known- even if only by strangers on the internet.

I don’t think right anymore. I had to straight up lie to my therapist to get her to let me leave her office last time. I know I can’t be truly honest with her and that sucks. I have one friend here (well, really far away actually) who has been a rock. An absolute rock in terms of support, encouragement, aid- it’s been incessant and he’s been relentless. And I am more grateful than I can ever express. I’ll be sure to give him a heartfelt thank you one last time before I go. He deserves it. 

I don’t have anyone else in this world aside from God. Loneliness is one of the things I struggle with the most. I know God is supposed to be enough. Most of my life, he was. He did sustain me through everything up to the present. But I’m continually disintegrating. I think there’s a point of no return. And to face this kind of garbage truly alone is too much to bear. I can’t go to church anymore. I don’t even have those few church acquaintances to talk with anymore. Not that people have time anyway. Not that I ever opened up either. I feel like loneliness and solitude is my destiny- and frankly, I don’t want it. 

I don’t want any of this bullshit. 

Rant

Published August 4, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Rant coming. Go away if you don’t feel like listening to someone whine and bitch and complain. Seriously. Go. TF. Away. Cause I need to do this.

I am so, so angry and so incredibly hurt. I don’t know how to handle it. I’m sick of people who don’t have not one f**king hour to stop and take the time. I really hate this. 

I don’t even like this place anymore. The allure is gone. I guess it’s because when I’m here, every thing I see, every place reminds me of being alone. The word “desolate” comes to mind over and over again. It’s like a barren desert for my heart and my soul. There’s nothing here. 

So as I was just in two different places these last few weeks, I thought about moving there. But I realized that wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t make me happy. Nothing will. 

I fantasized about quitting my job, taking what little I have in an IRA, and disappearing. I thought maybe I could leave the country- maybe go live on a cheap island somewhere. My IRA money would probably only last a year. But maybe I could try to be happy and escape stress for just one year. 

But it wouldn’t work, would it? I’d be partially content exploring a new location for maybe a week- tops. Then, the same loneliness, the same sadness, the same depression, isolation, confusion, being unwanted, worthlessness…all that would still be there. So I guess there’s no point in trying. 

I just drove 30+ hours without a sound. I didn’t listen to anything….I just thought and thought and thought. It was so quiet in my car…and yet, inside I was raging. It reminded me of this movie I just saw where this little child who is adopted rages uncontrollably. I saw myself sitting there in defeaning silence and yet, seeing the inside of me, which was nothing but chaos. 

The movie I saw was “Lion.” I watched it twice. It’s was incredibly compelling. The flashbacks of the main character were represented so well- how we’re in the present moment, but relive a past moment, and then are left in the present as if we were still in the past. I’m sure that doesn’t make sense. But the character I identified most with was not the main character- it was his adopted brother. When the family adopted his brother, the little boy raged- he screamed, yelled, cried. That’s EXACTLY how I see myself. Raging uncontrollably…inside. 

I just told someone how I wanted to slip overboard in the dead of night. There were three different nights- the last one was so close. The air and water temperatures had chilled considerably and I thought hypothermia was a viable possibility for a timely expiration. I was only stopped because someone accidentally walked up on it. Then I told them how I stayed in my car overnight in the middle of nowhere and how I was awoken by tornado sirens at 5 something in the morning. I saw all the semi trucks start up and scatter and I wondered how they knew which way to go to escape a tornado. They all quickly disappeared in the torrential downpour. I decided to lay back down and I told God to take me. I listened to tornado sirens for a solid 20 minutes. Hard rain. Lots of wind. Nothing else. The person I told laughed- I guess they thought I was joking. 😳

I feel like I had just started to trust human beings again. We’re truly horrible, terrible creatures, if you think about it. Only humans are capable of the most insane atrocities that could ever be imagined. But my trust is gone. People use words to appease. But I’m not stupid enough to believe it anymore. 

I think…I don’t know. I mean, I know we’re “created” for community. And that explains a human being’s longing for connection and interaction with other humans. And not surprisingly, that’s the core cause of addiction- the need for people to connect with something. Addicts didn’t have healthy relationships, healthy connections- but the desire was so deep, so desperate to connect- that they chose to connect with anything they could.

I’ve not connnected for years (minus the connecting I had just started to do)…and even though the loneliness was killing me, at least I never got hurt. People hurt. People disappoint. People say one thing, then do another that’s entirely contradicting. People simply can’t be trusted. And I’m ok with that. That’s why I don’t trust. It’s a simple concept- you start to trust, you get hurt. I know people aren’t perfect. I’m not expecting them to be. But, damn. 

I don’t want to feel this anymore. The only way to ensure I don’t feel this again is to simply not trust. It’s easy. Maybe too easy. And I know…not the “healthiest” choice. But whatever. I have NOT A SOUL to fall back on. I’m not married, no children, very very few family members still alive. I’ve got no one. So when I’m hurt, I’m left with nothing but myself and God. 

And lately, he’s not talking to me. I’ve asked him why he let that happen, why he couldn’t just fix things…

And I get nothing. 

Silence.

Now…that’s not new for God and I. I know he’s there. I feel like he doesn’t like talking with me that much. And he surely doesn’t like appeasing me. 

So here I am. 

Nothing but broken bits. So smashed that the pieces will never be whole again. 

Dazed and Confused

Published July 15, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’ve been so out of my own brain lately. Does that even make sense? A whole day will go by…16-17 hours awake and going around and I have no idea what I did. It’s like my brain is floating in a cloud. 

Today was already so difficult. I had virtually no sleep last night. I took sleeping pills and everything. TV off, phone down, wide awake and absolutely anxiety ridden. This was the first night in weeks that I hadn’t combined alcohol with sleeping pills. (I’ve been trying to figure out why last night was different than any other night.) I’m so grateful that I don’t have to work at the moment- that it’s ok that I’m sleepless and it’s ok that I’m wandering around like a zombie. I’m screwed when I need to get back to work and actually accomplish something. That was part of my anxiety- worrying how the hell I can be productive at work… and how relieved I was when I thought about …and never having to return to work again!

So as pathetic as it sounds, I was already crying before 10am. I also had so much raging anger- in my head, I was directing it toward everyone, even though no one deserves it.

Wow. I’m a mess, I know it. 

I am so looking forward to getting away though- I know it’s an escape, but that’s ok. I’m going to run while I have the chance. When work starts back up, I’ll be trapped and won’t be able to escape at all. So I’m going to indulge in it now while I can. And I can’t wait to be near the sea. I adore it!! It will be beneficial, satisfying, and hopefully soothing for my soul. I’m also looking forward to spending time with God, reading, talking to- and most importantly, listening to God. I really need to work on that and being away will hopefully afford me with better concentration and less distraction. 

For some reason, I’m also excited to visit Annette again. There’s something so special about her. I know it will tear me up to spend time with her, but I don’t care. She really needs it and I’m excited to do it. 

This particular blog is nothing but me whining, but I’m following orders of my therapist and continuing to write, much more than usual. I haven’t been able to publish the post about my last EMDR session- I wrote out choppy phrases of what occurred with the intention of revisiting it to form actual sentences. I’m just not ready to revisit yet. Maybe soon. 

I don’t know how to keep things out of my head

Published July 11, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I don’t know what’s wrong with me- maybe it’s the fact that I’m buzzed, but I pretty much despise myself. I’m one of the most selfish, self-absorbed people I know. It’s horrible and I’m ashamed. There’s nothing good, nothing redemptive, just plain nothing. 

I have nothing to offer, 

I’m so angry it physically hurts 

truth is I don’t give a @*!# I just @!*#ing hate everyone right now. I don’t even know why 😢

I just want to get out of here it doesn’t matter