Things are getting worse and worse. I’m getting worse and worse. I’m so full of hate and anger- and most of it is directed toward myself. Every single day, I self-medicate. Nearly every week for a while now, I’ve gone even further.
I cried all day long today. I was walking and crying and talking with God. I was asking God what’s wrong with me. Why am I all alone? Why can’t I keep friends? Then, of course, I asked God to take me. Again. I tried to reason with him- telling him how I’m no good here. I’m no good to anyone or for anyone. I’m not helping anyone with my life. I’m not pointing anyone to God. Not a single soul on this earth is benefitting from me. I’m absolutley useless. And then there’s just my own selfish point of view. My life is hard. It’s lonely. I’m struggling with all these traumatic issues and I’m struggling financially and I don’t ever see that changing. I just don’t have it in me to keep fighting and clawing my way through life.
But I need to return to the fact that there must be something wrong with me- with the fact that I can’t keep friendships. I am the common denominator here. I’m not blind to that fact. I question myself constantly. I wonder if the shortcomings that I see in others are really my own?
I know I’ve purposely withdrawn from everyone– people I’m close to, people I barely know…
I have a good friend that I lost today. I have point blank told her straight up that I need her, that I’m suicidal…and she still can’t seem to find not even 10 minutes to spend with me. I keep thinking I must be unreasonable in some way, that I must be doing something wrong to push her away…maybe I am and I’m too blind to see? I have a feeling my roommate (her friend) has been filling her head with negativity about me. Maybe I’m being paranoid- maybe that’s not the case. But I can’t figure anything else out. I’ve asked her over and over and over again to simply hang out, meet for drinks, meet up for dinner…every single time the answer is no. Yet, she has time to meet up with other friends. So I thought maybe I just wasn’t communicating my desperation, the seriousness of my current situation…I thought if I did that, surely she could repriorotize and find some time for me. So, in March, after battling this depression alone for 8 months, I finally told her everything I was struggling with. She acted all concerned at the time, but then I didn’t see her for 4 months. After so many ******** these last 2 months, I decided to reach out to her again. She’s my oldest and closest friend here. You would think she would want to help. But to my shock…no. And I’m having a hard time digesting that.
Today, I sent her a message. I told her again how I’m suicidal and really need her friendship right now. I honestly give up. I should have given up a long time ago. Our “friendship” has dwindled over the years. She’s always been too busy to spend any time. I just thought maybe she would repriorotize for once and go out of her way to make some time. Obviously, I’m wrong. And truthfully, that’s devastating. It simply confirms my inner dialogue that says no one cares, I’m worth nothing, I’m not even worth an hour of anyone’s time. This truth hurts and tears away at me, disintegrating my insides. But it is truth. I need to man up and deal with it.
This does make me incredibly grateful for some amazing friends that I do have. The problem is that every single one of those friends is very, very far away. There’s only so much they can do. But they are amazing people and have taught me how incredible friendship can be. I’m learning from all of them. I’m learning a lot.
I’m even to the point of thinking about moving away from here. I have no one here. I feel so isolated that it’s ridiculous. And yet, when I think about it, I know it won’t solve any of my problems. I’d love to live closer to a best friend- but all my friends are married and do have lives full of work, spouses, children, other concerns. I’m afraid to expect too much from anyone. I know people can’t solve my problems anyway. I’m really not expecting them to.
I know I need to look to God. I asked him to take me tonight- like, take my life. I’ve asked that so many times and have gotten frustrated so many times because he hasn’t. After almost immediately realizing God wouldn’t be doing that for me, I then asked him to take my life- as in, use it. Use it for others. Use it for his kingdom. I don’t see how God can (nor will) use someone as lame and weak and useless as I am. And I also know that truthfully…I’ve been running from God. I’ve had my back turned to him and every time he even taps me on the shoulder, I take off running. I’m not quite sure what that’s all about. But I know I’m the one to blame. With everything. And everyone. I own that.
Friends or no friends, alone or with someone by my side…
I don’t know that I can carry on…