I’ve been in a bit of a rut lately… I guess ever since the cat was killed. I haven’t been fully back to normal since then. I have intentions of working out, yoga, reading, reorganizing… and I wind up doing nothing. I can’t muster the motivation to do ANYTHING.

It’s even been bad at work- where I have plenty of time to get things done and I just don’t do it. I feel very stuck.

So I decided to take a few classes. If I can’t motivate myself to read… I’ll give myself deadlines by taking classes… then I’ll actually get some reading done. I’m not trying to add more stress to my life by giving myself more things to do. But I need to get out of this rut snd I need to keep myself occupied.

So, we’ll see how this goes.

The other thing I’ve actually acted on is in the area of giving. Ive felt God telling me for a while to give more than I do. The problem is I’m in debt….quite a bit of it. So, I kept holding off on giving in favor of paying my debt down.

Of course, all the debt is my fault. It’s stupid stuff I bought while walking around to keep myself occupied. I’d go after work every day and just wander around a store. I do the same with food. I eat out because I can’t stand eating alone in my house. I eat out alone, but at least there are other people nearby and I don’t feel so isolated. I’ve stopped my random store wandering, but I still eat out.

Anyway, the point is that I decided I needed to obey God whether I was ready to or not. I increased my tithe and my support of a missionary. I’d still like to increase both in the future, but for now it’s good. I realize I’m wasting money and I’d rather it go to a good cause. Me- I’m not a good cause. 😂 But my church and this missionary- they’re both great causes and they’re both actively fulfilling God’s purpose.

It’s going to be scary- even though I’m trying to trust God with my finances- to give more when I still have debt to pay. But regardless, I’d like to be in obedience to God. And maybe it’ll shake me up and make me stop eating out too.

Argh. But then the classes! They’re costing a lot of money too. I decided I had to register for legit classes where I’d actually have the pressure of reading and learning- as opposed to a class with no consequences. So, I need to pay for that somehow.

But I’m working on it. The other thing that hit me- last night, actually- was the few “friends” I have where I live. Because I live in a condo and had a dog, I met all my neighbors who were dog parents and we all became close. My favorite neighbor moved, but we went to his new house last night for a house warming. The girl who lives above me is a teacher and she’s now in a relationship with another female neighbor who lives one building over.

I “partied” with them last night- I just had one glass of wine and went home at midnight, even though everyone else slept over. I had fun- we played a few games, but sadness just permeated my interactions with them. I realized these are not people I want to be like, people I want to spend quality time with. I like spending time with people I admire, people I can learn from, people I feel safe with. There’s nothing wrong with my neighbor friends, but they aren’t Christians. Again, there’s nothing wrong with that. But I’m craving friendships with people who walk with God. I want to be surrounded by that. Ironically, I’m surrounded by loneliness.

Today at church… things felt slightly weird. My pastor is extraordinarily outgoing. I’ve sat directly behind him for 4 weeks in a row now and he hasn’t acknowledged me. He hasn’t said hi, hasn’t even made eye contact. I feel like that’s really weird for someone like him.

It’s making me feel bad- like I’ve done something wrong and I’m being made an outsider. I know that’s not true. I just wonder if I’ve offended him somehow or if my shyness has maybe made him stop talking to me? I don’t know.