Suicide, my dear friend… is back again.
I haven’t been handling things too well these last few months. I resisted writing about them because I didn’t want to stir things up. But, I’ve been having many symptoms of both depression and PTSD for about 6 months now. I stopped eating for a while there- first, it was out of simple nausea (perhaps from anxiety from PTSD?) and then, it helped me feel better not to eat. I don’t know how to explain that. I realize it makes no sense.
Anyway, I’ve had several scenarios play over and over in my mind. But unlike my PTSD from a decade ago, these scenarios have never happened. I guess they’re just fears I play out in my head. Two scenarios deal with Joe. The first scenario I picture is being in the grocery store in Colorado Springs…and of course, I run into Joe. I picture various endings, depending on whether or not he’s with his family. The second scenario has been the most disabling. I’m at my church, my safe haven, and Joe comes in. This one strikes particular fear into my heart. In the scenarios, I either bolt or hide. My hiding spot is in this little, dark room in the back where mothers go to console their crying babies. And again, various endings to this scenario occur. The problem is while I’m at church, this particular scenario has been incredibly intrusive in my mind and I usually envision it happening multiple times. The result is that I can’t pay attention very well while listening to sermons or taking classes at church… I see the scenario play out in my head and then in real life, I look to the little room in the back where I would go for safety. Sometimes I’m shaking, sometimes I’m ready to vomit, sometimes I’m looking around for someone I can cling to…sometimes I can push it out of my mind.
I haven’t been too successful in coping with these scenarios in my head and these fears have been ruling my life. I’m not quite sure how not eating makes me feel more in control, but it does. Because I feel out of control with the scenarios, I feel in control of myself when I don’t eat or when I restrict. Plus, getting scrawny has made my body feel like a canvas onto which I’m depicting how I feel inside. I feel exhausted, strung out, abused, used up…and as my body starts to look like that, my outward appearance mirrors my inward feelings.
–Just so you know…I stopped several times while writing that last sentence ^. I don’t want you to dismiss me because I have issues with eating. I know all too well how the general public reacts to people with eating disorders. I know you don’t understand it and I know that from the outside, it looks stupid and childish. So, please try to put aside any judgments you may have and bear with me.–
I don’t have an eating disorder right now anyway. But, I did. And that’s the point I’m trying to get to: I have these new(ish) stressors in my life and I’m discovering that I’m reverting to old, very unhealthy coping mechanisms. I don’t want to go there and if I do, I certainly don’t want to stay.
In these few short months, I’ve already been badly burned by unhealthy eating habits. I experienced an extremely painful side effect. It was so horrendous that I swore to myself I would do everything in my power to not have to endure that again. So, I’m trying super hard to eat healthy all the time. Just as I get myself back on track, these thoughts come into my head.
I had this mental image: I was sitting in the field across from where I live. It’s full of waist high wild grass blowing in the wind. I’m sitting down in the midst of the high grass concealed from everything around me. I slowly lift my gun to my head and pull the trigger. I see everything happening in slow motion. It’s the only vision I see in slow motion.
Now, even though I had thoughts of suicide, I had long ago decided that I would never use a gun. Ever. It’s too violent and it’s not the way I’d want to go out. I had decided on Plan A: a deadly cocktail of various pills and alcohol. So, then why do I have this vision? And why do I keep having it? It’s not what I want.
Here is where I question the influence of spiritual warfare. If you’re not a Christian, you won’t agree with this and you might think I’m a lunatic. Hell, you probably already do! But to keep having these visions…to keep having thoughts of suicide when that’s not what I want deep down…to keep seeing myself commit suicide in a way that I would never choose anyway… That’s what makes me think these thoughts are not my own. This is furthered by the fact that many times, these thoughts occur while I’m at church- attempting to get my soul nourished.
So, here I am. I bared all. I’m going to keep fighting the fight. Nothing will keep me away from church and perhaps these symptoms of depression and PTSD will wane. I just have to keep my head on straight and hang in there. Right?
In case you can’t tell yet from my silent writings as a means of expressing myself, I’m incredibly shy and introverted. I desperately want and need help…even just someone to listen. I’d love to have a mentor, but I’m pretty sure no one has time for that. I want to reach out for help so badly…. But, I fear people and judgment and apathy.
Anyway, I push the limits of Plan A every single weekend. Sooner or later, I’ll get there. Plan B is in effect too…it’s just a much slower way to go. Won’t God forgive suicide? Won’t He forgive such self-centeredness and wasting the life that He gave and died for?