I had an awful nightmare last night. It’s been messing with me all day. It wasn’t my normal terrifying, getting attacked type dream. It was different. My grandparents were still alive. They decided to move without telling anyone. I somehow found their new house with all of their things inside. But they had decided to move AGAIN and were gone. What was hurtful was they left behind everything, their entire lives. They left furniture and papers and pictures and memories- I saw my first set of pots and pans. I saw things I made for them when I was a child. They didn’t want any of it. They were selling the new house really cheap- with everything inside included.
I was stunned. First, they left- they just abandoned us. On top of that, they disregarded everything that had to do with us (my mom and brother). I was so hurt that they would permanently leave without telling me, without saying good bye. And I was even more hurt to see they were getting rid of things I made them as a child- things that should have been special to them.
I guess I felt unimportant, unwanted, unneeded, and most certainly, not cared for. These emotions were absolutely devastating in the dream.
I think this dream may have been a combination of things: my grandmother and how she covered up my abuse and my two friends here, who have simply abandoned our friendship and could seemingly not care in the slightest. The things with my former friends has been weighing very heavily on me.
I have to see them soon and don’t know how to handle the situation. They haven’t spoken to me in 10 months. I feel like trash that they simply threw out. My heart wants them to know how much they hurt me, but I’d like to be bigger than that. I don’t want to confront or lash out or anything…but at the same time, I don’t want to act like nothing happened because that’ll confirm to them they did nothing wrong.
I’m anxiety ridden about this upcoming event. I’ve even envisioned being able to mask myself so I can be there without worrying about them seeing me. You know what I want? I’d like a posse surrounding me…like how the celebrities have a circle of security. People to be beside, in front, and behind me. People who, if approached, could reach out their arm and block anyone from getting close. Then, I might feel confident instead of fearful about going.
I’m actually kind of proud of myself for reaching out to some friends for advice. I texted some people asking them how I could best handle the situation. It’s the first time I’ve asked for help in forever. The last time I asked for help….it was from those 2 friends. I asked them to come see me in the hospital and they refused. I never asked anyone for anything since then.
I want to go wander in the wilderness this weekend. I was looking around some online maps and found this:
What the ?! I snickered to myself, “what’s God trying to tell me??” 😳😳
Anyway, I don’t know where I’m going yet. I think I’ll just pack up the car and go wherever I feel led at the time. Usually, nature does me good. But isolation absolutely doesn’t. I’m looking into super isolated places, places where I won’t have cell service, places where I can get lost.