All posts for the month August, 2018

Published August 30, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I had an awful nightmare last night. It’s been messing with me all day. It wasn’t my normal terrifying, getting attacked type dream. It was different. My grandparents were still alive. They decided to move without telling anyone. I somehow found their new house with all of their things inside. But they had decided to move AGAIN and were gone. What was hurtful was they left behind everything, their entire lives. They left furniture and papers and pictures and memories- I saw my first set of pots and pans. I saw things I made for them when I was a child. They didn’t want any of it. They were selling the new house really cheap- with everything inside included.

I was stunned. First, they left- they just abandoned us. On top of that, they disregarded everything that had to do with us (my mom and brother). I was so hurt that they would permanently leave without telling me, without saying good bye. And I was even more hurt to see they were getting rid of things I made them as a child- things that should have been special to them.

I guess I felt unimportant, unwanted, unneeded, and most certainly, not cared for. These emotions were absolutely devastating in the dream.

I think this dream may have been a combination of things: my grandmother and how she covered up my abuse and my two friends here, who have simply abandoned our friendship and could seemingly not care in the slightest. The things with my former friends has been weighing very heavily on me.

I have to see them soon and don’t know how to handle the situation. They haven’t spoken to me in 10 months. I feel like trash that they simply threw out. My heart wants them to know how much they hurt me, but I’d like to be bigger than that. I don’t want to confront or lash out or anything…but at the same time, I don’t want to act like nothing happened because that’ll confirm to them they did nothing wrong.

I’m anxiety ridden about this upcoming event. I’ve even envisioned being able to mask myself so I can be there without worrying about them seeing me. You know what I want? I’d like a posse surrounding me…like how the celebrities have a circle of security. People to be beside, in front, and behind me. People who, if approached, could reach out their arm and block anyone from getting close. Then, I might feel confident instead of fearful about going.

I’m actually kind of proud of myself for reaching out to some friends for advice. I texted some people asking them how I could best handle the situation. It’s the first time I’ve asked for help in forever. The last time I asked for help….it was from those 2 friends. I asked them to come see me in the hospital and they refused. I never asked anyone for anything since then.

I want to go wander in the wilderness this weekend. I was looking around some online maps and found this:

What the ?! I snickered to myself, “what’s God trying to tell me??” 😳😳

Anyway, I don’t know where I’m going yet. I think I’ll just pack up the car and go wherever I feel led at the time. Usually, nature does me good. But isolation absolutely doesn’t. I’m looking into super isolated places, places where I won’t have cell service, places where I can get lost.

Published August 28, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Can’t sleep. I’ve been reading and these are some snapshots of what popped out at me. I can’t remember how I found this article- but I will say I’m not at all contemplating anything negative. I’m just trying to learn and educate myself. That’s all.

– The author’s father committed suicide, even though he seemed perfectly happy. I get triggered by “dad” or “father” things all the time…but the effect this has on me is different from her. Her father didn’t abuse her.

– I’ve often wondered what kind of person I would be like if I had a different childhood, a different family….would I be more successful? Very likely. More confident? Surely. More normal, able to enjoy a family of my own?

– And that last part just pisses me off. “I hope I never forget how safe I felt when he hugged me.” STFU! I don’t even remember my father hugging me. Ever.

– Yes, yes. Isolation and lack of connection are my primary battles. It’s caused by shame on my part and not being worth anything to others.

– I’ve wondered about this for years. I’ve felt so isolated out here. Sooooo isolated.

-I hate that other people hurt, but it honestly makes me feel better to know I’m not alone. Over 9 million other people in this country have these thoughts.

– This. This is huge for me. I’ve felt such shame about being hospitalized…shame about being “diagnosed.” I even had a dream about people who mocked me, saying they knew about me and my “diseases.” I was sure that dream was about my shame related to all of this. To show myself that I’m semi-normal and that this can be overcome, I tell myself that I’m not going through this for no reason. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything that wasn’t caused by trauma. I feel it’s perfectly normal to be depressed after being molested and raped, to have PTSD and anxiety when your rapist moves close to you and you have flashbacks of being choked. Isn’t it normal?? So when I saw this line about “tragic personal situations,” it made me feel better.

– YES. Feeling disconnected. Yes.

– So true. I think it’s sensible, depending on the situation. I’m not in the slightest bit mad or blaming my friend for committing suicide. I 100% understand. What gets me is the feeling that her suicide isn’t right. It’s not what should have been. I don’t blame her. I blame whatever made her feel this way.

– Abandonment is huge for me. Every man has walked out of my life in one way or another. Pretty much every woman too. My heart hurts so badly just writing that. 😖😓 But it’s my fault- shame.

– The part about a relative who committed suicide… my uncle. Four friends. 😢

– OMG, so true. I do that now. I’m just reckless because i think- so what? As long as I don’t end up a vegetable- who cares? I don’t!

I feel so bad for Bri. I feel terrible that I wasn’t there for her when she needed someone. I really do.

And I pray that Deven Davis’ death wasn’t suicide. I wonder. I hope not.

Just to clarify…I don’t want to worry anyone. I’m so grateful for the support and encouragement you all have given me. I’m fine, nothing bad is happening, I’m just reading. It’s not fair to worry you for no reason. I’m just trying to educate myself and see how this is seen from the outside so I can learn. Please keep up with the positive feedback because it means the world to me. Thank you.

Published August 28, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Today has surprisingly been ok. I woke up feeling so terrible and so tired that I nearly called in sick. I went to work though and got distracted with busyness.

Spent the afternoon at the laundromat. Fun.

Life has atrophied. It really has.

Published August 26, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I feel terrible. I’m kind of surprised at how I’ve back tracked since being home and especially since the news of Bri’s suicide.

I had such a good summer. I really did. I was happy most of the time and had relatively few flashbacks.

And now I feel like I’m back to square one. It’s disheartening and disappointing. I went to church alone today. I almost didn’t go.

It was the first time in a while where I felt I didn’t belong there. I walked in and they were singing something about being a child of God. I looked around. Everyone was so happy, even yelling out. And I absolutely couldn’t relate to the words on the screen. I believe in God, I know he exists, I want to follow him but I’m terrible at it. And I don’t see myself as his child. If I was his child, he would have protected me. He didn’t.

What does that say about him? What does that say about me??

Exactly. And that’s where I fall apart.

Published August 26, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I don’t know what I took last night. All day long I’ve been trying to remember. I found some stuff while unpacking and took some of it with a variety of sleeping pills. I remember thinking, “this will be interesting” and then I can’t remember anything after that. I must have fallen asleep soon after. I was out for half of today and have been super groggy since then.

And y’know what? I dgaf! Seriously…I don’t. Is that my illness talking or what? I will say that with all these suicides lately, it makes me feel normal. It’s terribly sad to me to see others hurt- but I see that I’m not alone in thinking about that option.

I absolutely hate that I didn’t reach out to my friend. I was so wrapped up in my own life and my own misery… I can’t believe I’m such a selfish ass.

Tonight, I’m drinking and *** in her honor.

This is Bri, my friend who committed suicide this week.

She was gorgeous and as sweet as she looks. She was super, super nice. I’m such a dick for not being there for her. What good am I then?

Let’s never forget her. When I climb on 9/11 to honor my fallen brothers, I’m going to wear her pic as well as theirs. It will be another way to honor her and never forget her.

I hate that.

You die and people forget you. I don’t know anyone who’s remembered- at least not in a good way. I remember my uncle who committed suicide, my favorite cousin who was murdered, my dad and grandma…. who are evil.

I shudder to write that word, evil. But isn’t it true? What they did. It’s unimaginable. I fucking hate everyone who hurt me. The asshole who strangled me, the bigger asshole who raped me repeatedly when I was 9. What kind of sick fuck does something like that??? I hate that. I hate them. I hate God for letting this shit happen. It’s not right. He could stop it and he didn’t. He could stop everyone’s suicide and he doesn’t.