I didn’t go to church today and I’m not sure why. My anxiety has been through the roof lately- my irritability is through the roof as well.
Yesterday I spent time in nature, on the hunt, but admiring God’s creation along the way. I was still so, so irritable. And then I got back in my car and put on NIN and my mood instantly went down the drain. I don’t think music can really control you like that. Influence? Yes. Control? No.
I had not listened to music in months. I was trying everything I could to stabilize my mood. So I cut off music and had been listening to audiobooks, studying to keep me occupied. But for yesterday’s two hour drive home, I listened to NIN for the first time in forever.
I decided I didn’t want to go to church. I don’t know why. I LOVE my church. I love my pastor- he’s ridiculously gifted at preaching. I love the people there. I fear judgment….but I fear it from them- that doesn’t mean they actually judge me. I just feel like I’m transparent when I do there- like everyone can see right through me and read my thoughts and feelings and I’m scared of not being welcomed or of being judged. But I keep telling myself that they haven’t done that to me. They’ve not judged me and they’ve never made me feel unwelcome. So why do I feel that way? To the point that I’ll avoid going??
All I can think is demonic influence or my own anxiety and fears. I don’t want to blame everything on Satan- I’m willing to take ownership of my own faulty thinking. But it’s getting stupid- I’m to the point now where I’ve cancelled multiple times with multiple people and multiple events- simply because my anxiety is through the roof. I don’t like it because these are things I used to enjoy…and these are also events where I helped others. I feel terrible about not helping now. I want to feel useful in the world- as selfish as that may sound- and by cancelling….well, I simply feel useless. And I feel that those people who I could possibly help aren’t going to get it. And that makes me feel terrible.
I tell myself I’m just trying to lower my stress levels.
But the truth is- life is getting to me- in a big, bad way. My father was a sexual predator and I simply cannot come to terms with that. I have no family, no husband, no children and I have no idea where I will live. That is a super scary concept to face alone. I fear my entire life is destined for solitude and I’m not happy about it. I want God to take control of my life. I don’t know why he won’t.
And Jason…I started seeing him again. I haven’t seen him in months. He seems more final now…his death…his life.