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All posts for the month April, 2018

Published April 29, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I didn’t go to church today and I’m not sure why. My anxiety has been through the roof lately- my irritability is through the roof as well.

Yesterday I spent time in nature, on the hunt, but admiring God’s creation along the way. I was still so, so irritable. And then I got back in my car and put on NIN and my mood instantly went down the drain. I don’t think music can really control you like that. Influence? Yes. Control? No.

I had not listened to music in months. I was trying everything I could to stabilize my mood. So I cut off music and had been listening to audiobooks, studying to keep me occupied. But for yesterday’s two hour drive home, I listened to NIN for the first time in forever.

I decided I didn’t want to go to church. I don’t know why. I LOVE my church. I love my pastor- he’s ridiculously gifted at preaching. I love the people there. I fear judgment….but I fear it from them- that doesn’t mean they actually judge me. I just feel like I’m transparent when I do there- like everyone can see right through me and read my thoughts and feelings and I’m scared of not being welcomed or of being judged. But I keep telling myself that they haven’t done that to me. They’ve not judged me and they’ve never made me feel unwelcome. So why do I feel that way? To the point that I’ll avoid going??

All I can think is demonic influence or my own anxiety and fears. I don’t want to blame everything on Satan- I’m willing to take ownership of my own faulty thinking. But it’s getting stupid- I’m to the point now where I’ve cancelled multiple times with multiple people and multiple events- simply because my anxiety is through the roof. I don’t like it because these are things I used to enjoy…and these are also events where I helped others. I feel terrible about not helping now. I want to feel useful in the world- as selfish as that may sound- and by cancelling….well, I simply feel useless. And I feel that those people who I could possibly help aren’t going to get it. And that makes me feel terrible.

I tell myself I’m just trying to lower my stress levels.

But the truth is- life is getting to me- in a big, bad way. My father was a sexual predator and I simply cannot come to terms with that. I have no family, no husband, no children and I have no idea where I will live. That is a super scary concept to face alone. I fear my entire life is destined for solitude and I’m not happy about it. I want God to take control of my life. I don’t know why he won’t.

And Jason…I started seeing him again. I haven’t seen him in months. He seems more final now…his death…his life.

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Published April 25, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I’m such a mess right now. I’ve dug myself into a deep hole at work and it’s all my fault. I’m absolutely terrified with how things will turn out. But I own it- I messed up and I’m simply a shitty person.

I thought work and church were the only good things I had going in my life. I thought I was good at my job. I thought God worked through me there and loved on other people through me. Maybe I’m all wrong. Maybe I’m right but I just messed it up. Leave it to me to mess up God’s good work.

I feel so terrible. I’ve been crying and crying and crying. I feel so sick. I don’t know what to do. I’ve asked God to show me mercy and grace even though I absolutely don’t deserve it.

I also feel like this whole work thing is bigger. Like, if I lose my job, it reflects on me being a shitty person and me not being capable of being an adult. I think it shows that I can’t even take care of myself or my poor little dog. I was crying and holding him today and telling him how sorry I was for messing up. If I mess up and get fired, we both become homeless. And that’s my fault. I would just be making life harder for my poor dog. See? That’s why God won’t give me children/ because I’m not even capable of caring for them. No matter how much I wish I had love, no matter how much love I want to show others, I am a failure. Plain and simple

Published April 23, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Couldn’t sleep last night. Went to church, but I couldn’t tell you right now what the sermon was about. My mind is whirling with the precarious situation at work. Please, please pray for that situation to work out as well as possible.

I was shocked today- had a little tiny bit of a start on my monthly visitor. Haven’t had it since I was in the hospital- that’s six months now! I’m still super confused as to why it stopped and now, why it’s starting again. I always thought it was a side effect of the medicine, but with the recent increase in dosage, it would make more sense if it continued in ceasing, no? Part of me thinks it’s just a side effect, part of me worries about what the doc thought (that I was premenopausal), part of me thinks it stopped from the massive and overwhelming stress of being hospitalized, part of me worries there’s something else wrong. That’s why the med doc tried to get me to see the vajayjay doctor. I just can’t though. I can’t handle any other stressor at this point. As much as I don’t want to deal with it, it gave me a little glimmer of hope of possibly having children in the future. I don’t see how that’s even remotely possible…but I can always dream. Right? Worse case scenario- I get disappointed. Been there, done that.

I’m watching this TV show called “Long Lost Family” that reunites people with their birth parents who had given them up for adoption. It reminds me of the time I set out to find out who my real grandfather was. I’d always been told my dad was adopted. My grandmother who betrayed me and my uncle was their real mother, but my dad’s father wasn’t in the picture. I found the family, but I was too late- my real grandfather had already passed away. And then I think of my own children who I aborted.

My God, I had such a hard time even typing that word. I will never forgive myself for never giving them a chance. The first time it wasn’t my choice- I wanted to keep my baby. My mom refused to let me. It was devastating. But I was a teenager and didn’t know how to fight back with my own mother. For that matter, I still don’t know how to stand up for myself and fight for what’s right. The second time, I was raped. And alone. And he was of a different race. And I thought my baby would look like him and I’d be looking into my rapist’s face every time I looked at my child. And I had this irrational fear he’d want visitation rights so I thought I’d have to see him all the time. And I questioned myself- what do I tell my child about their father? Do I lie and make something up? Do I tell the truth and tell them their father is a rapist?

And look at me. My father was a sexual predator and look how fucked up I am. I would never want to do that to a child. Never. Never. Never. It’s not fair. What if they’re like my uncle and myself and they never recover from it? What if they can’t handle it?

I’m watching these people on this show reuniting with their grown children and I realize I should have given my children that opportunity. But I didn’t. I’ve done a lot of fucked up things in this lifetime, but that stands as the worst. I can never forgive myself for that. And I understand God doesn’t want to either.

I’m certain that’s why he won’t give me children now. He already gave me my chance with children. I did the worst possible thing you can do- and God doesn’t trust me now. I wouldn’t trust me either.

I see these people in the show cry and meet up and get through things. They’re forgiving and generous and kind. And I wonder what’s wrong with me- why can’t I be as healthy? It makes me see that there’s something wrong with me- that I can’t accept my dad was a sexual predator, that I can’t move on from that, that I’m alone and will probably be forever because I just cannot trust a man and know there are so few men who are actually safe, that I’m not meant to have children or a family…and tears fill my eyes and stream down my face as I write this.

This is my life.

And it’s not worth living. I’ve fucked up beyond repair, beyond the reach of God’s forgiveness and grace- not that he can’t, but he won’t. He’s mad and has every right to be.

I’ve messed up in life, I’ve messed up in work- and that was the only thing I had where I felt needed and used by God. The only thing. It gave me a tiny sense of purpose. And I’ve messed it all up.

Published April 22, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Had a little melt down today. 😦

A friend had asked me to go to a get together at her house which is nearly two hours away. I didn’t feel up to it and had decided I wasn’t going to go- I just wanted to stay in bed all day and try to decompress.

This work thing has been mounting for two weeks now and I’m incredibly stressed over it. But my friend kept bugging me to come so I called her to tell her that I simply didn’t feel up for mingling and chit chatting with people I didn’t know. And in seconds of beginning to tell her what was stressing me out so much at work, I broke down crying. Hard. Like, crying super hard- I couldn’t even breathe right. I felt so terrible dumping on her. But she convinced me that staying home alone when I was upset wasn’t the best decision to make.

So I drove all the way down there and truthfully, beer is the only thing that made me slightly social. Her husband and I got deep for a moment after a few beers. They were the ones who drove two hours to visit me in the hospital and he came in his wheelchair. He told me how much he loved me and that if it were anyone else who was in the hospital, he wouldn’t have come! Haha! But he stressed over and over how much they love me and that’s why they came and that they want me to be happy. I thanked him repeatedly for coming and told him how much it means to me- because it really does mean a lot. When you know you don’t matter in this world and someone tells you that you do- it at least gives you pause to stop and think you might be wrong…even if only for a second.

I cherish their friendship and am so thankful they were there for me in my weakest moments. I wish we lived closer so I could see them more often. But I’m still glad I have them.

I’m going to try to have a better day tomorrow. Please pray for my work situation- I’m terrified of losing my job or even having my boss think less of me. I pray that neither will happen.

Published April 20, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I keep screwing up. Over and over and over. There is not a damn thing in this world that I do right. That’s just being honest. I’m in trouble at work for a screw up and I’m panicking big time. If I lose my job, I’ll be homeless in less than a month.

I’ve already been stressing out big time about where I’m going to move to. I looked into buying, renting different apartments, renting a room or basement…everything. I’ve even tried to think out of the box- temporarily living in a yurt or RV or something that would be cheaper… I’m stressed to the max with no where to go.

And now this. My job is the ONLY thing in life that makes me feel worth even an iota of something. I thought God was using me there. I was sure of it. Maybe I’m wrong. If I lose this job, not only does it take me down the drain financially, but I’ll have nothing left to live for. I know that might sound ridiculous or extreme, but it’s true. I will say, that I think back to this time last year and I’m in a better, healthier place now. But I’m scared to go back down a dark road.

I’ve had headaches nearly all day every day this week. I eat and eat and eat until I feel sick. I do nothing but work and sleep and stress over where to move to.

But if I lose my job, I have absolutely nothing. I have no one to back me up, to cover for me, to help.

I feel so terrible about my mistake at work and am shocked it’s being taken this far. I don’t even quite know how to respond. All I can ask for is prayer- for this to turn out ok. That’s all I have to cling to.

I feel like shit. I’m here crying, sick to my stomach, head bursting open with pain…. I don’t know what to do.

I wonder if it’s because I can’t function correctly because of PTSD or anxiety or depression….I hesitate to blame my mistakes on that. But I have screwed up more his year at work than any other year. So I do see a strong correlation. But that doesn’t excuse it and it doesn’t make anything better.

Please, please pray that everything will be ok. I can’t take this stress. I can’t.

Published April 17, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Yesterday’s EMDR session sucked hard. It went dark really fast. I absolutely hate this. I don’t even want to revisit it so I won’t make corrections below on the notes I scribbled out. I’m trying to ignore the demonic pressure but it’s nearly impossible. I hate this. I feel like there’s no escape. No way out.

EMDR

in the hospital room again, stuck and miserable: shame fills me and burns in my chest

demon heads are everywhere.

Swirling red vortex/ whirlpool sucking me down through the floor and black above – I’m reaching up into nothing. No matter where I go- up or down, it’s bad.

Get out / escape through a back stairwell and down through the sewer- come up out of the manhole cover to blue sky, but the red and black storm is coming and slams the iron lid down. I keep moving down the sewer and come to another sewer manhole cover and open it. Again I see blue sky, but the storm is there and I can’t get out up to the street level. I realize that either the storm is actually chasing me or it’s a huge coincidence that it’s keeping me down in the sewer.

Keep going- I try to control things and break out of the black nasty sewer tunnel. The tunnel splits on the bottom and a white marshmellowy substance appears. I dive into it to escape the sewer tunnel and the black and red swirling winds. But I get stuck. I can’t move through the white substance. And as I’m floundering there, the winds suck me back up- out of the whiteness and back into the dark dirty sewer tunnel.

the winds move down into the drain and chase me back into the hospital. I’m Not happy. I think no, no, no, no, no. I don’t want to be there. The hospital becomes more real- less ethereal (?) I stomp on the floor even- realizing its concrete and I’m stuck in the hospital again. I see demon faces everywhere I look- on all the patient’s faces and down on the homeless people below. They’re laughing at me because I’m stuck there in the hospital. It shows me that no matter if I’m in the hospital or outside, I can’t escape. It’s like the walls of the hospital- even though they seem like a concrete cell- it doesn’t matter- because I’m trapped whether I’m in the hospital or out.

– again, I feel like there’s no escape. I’ve said it before- people like me don’t make it out alive. It’s just not meant to be. We were never meant to be

Published April 14, 2018 by Chloe Madison

First time I’ve ever learned a lesson from a dream. Of course, I dreamed of my ex-fiancée last night.

Mike K was in my dream. He’s my former pastor, who never liked him- he can see people for who they really are.

We lived in a large house and lots of people in and out every day. Sometimes people stayed over.

I can’t quite remember… Jon’s wife left, (who is his current wife in reality) maybe she divorced him (?) and I married him almost immediately. We had the same history in the dream that we had in real life. I remember looking down at my ring and then looking up, knowing he was cheating on me. Twice in the dream he went into a room and locked he door. He wouldn’t let me in. One time, I was already in the room and he made me leave and then stayed in there and locked the door.

He only had computers in there so I thought he was Skyping with a girl he was cheating with.

The dream was very unsettling, but it helps me know in real life that I absolutely don’t belong with him.

So I wonder why it hurts. I think it hurts still because I loved him so much- I was so, so in love. It doesn’t matter if his feelings toward me weren’t pure love (because he was abusive and cheated), MY feelings toward HIM were pure love. I loved him so much it blinded me to so many of his faults. I think what hit me hard last night was seeing videos of him. I had not heard his voice in years. It caught me off guard- it really did. 😦

I remember our first fight and the first time he got unreasonably angry with me. That should have been a red flag, but even though it bothered me, I disregarded it. I had time off from work and wanted to go see my mom who just moved out of state. I asked him if he could come with me, but he said he couldn’t take the time off from work. So I planned to go see my mom alone. That was it. He became enraged at the fact that I would go on a trip without him. I saw nothing wrong with driving to the state next door to see my mom. He did. He flew off the handle about it and yelled and screamed. That was the first sign that I should have seen.

Anyway, in my dream, I wasn’t truly happy. I DID feel security- secure from being in a relationship, being married, having a house to live in, having another person to go through life with, and having a husband to make a home with. But in the dream, deep down, I knew it wouldn’t last, I knew he was cheating and was controlling. He wasn’t abusive in the dream.

I have such a terrible headache. I’ve taken 3 migraine pills already.

I have a brand new search area. I wanted to go check it out this weekend, but with the weather, I decided not to. My search location is supposed to be 18 degrees today and super windy. That’ll make it downright icy for hiking around. However….with my current state of mind, I decided I couldn’t/ shouldn’t sit at home. I know I’d go downhill really fast. So I’m driving to my search area now. We just had snow so I might not be able to access the area. So I figured I could use this drive as a recon mission- just to get the lay of the land and see what I’ll be in for when I come back to search in warmer weather.

I’m trying so hard to be positive. I keep trying to focus on the good things in my life: my church and all the amazing people there, my apt (even though it will last only two more months), my awesome dog who keeps me company and lets me gently snuggle him, my friends who have supported me through this ongoing messy and difficult time, my job…

Maybe one day I can be happy again. Maybe not.