I had some seriously disturbing dreams last night. I can’t share everything- it’s too much. The least of it was being caged in some place by a man I didn’t know. I was frantically trying to get out, so he kept tearing doors off their hinges and used the doors to build walls to keep me in. I was terrified. That’s all I’m going to write about that.
Today in church I realized I have a problem. I mean, I know I don’t trust people…but it’s apparently gotten pretty extreme. We had baptisms today in church. They bring in all the little kids to watch and they sit on the floor in the front. When they were leaving, I saw one little girl in a white dress stand up and promptly pick the wedgie from her bum. It’s kind of humorous except for the fact that the tall man next to her was looking down at her bum when she did it. I think he was one of the people who worked with the group of little ones. I immediately assumed he was a child sexual predator as I eyeballed him leaving. He was a tall, skinny, old white guy. I told myself, he’s probably an innocent, sweet old man. And before I could finish that thought, I accused him in my head of being a predator again.
As they walked out, I wondered if that girl was in danger, if other children were in danger. And I guess maybe that guy could be completely innocent. I see a man and a child and I assume the worst.
It’s part of why I marvel when I see dads with their little girls…men who are dads that I know and trust. It’s so bizarre that they can look lovingly at their daughter and not think bad things. Or is it? Is it rare or is that normal? I don’t know. I think abuse is so much more common than what people realize- so that leads me to believe that good fathers are few and far between. I don’t know many.
My head is exploding in pain. I need to stop.
Woke up with a migraine. Watched the Kavanaugh vote debacle before getting out of bed. So disappointed and disgusted in America and in human beings in general. Went to the funeral. Devastation. I suppressed and fought it, but I cried and cried and cried. Hard. His wife did an amazing job, his daughters did an even more amazing job…it was when his daughters were sharing that I cried my hardest. I flash-backed so many times to my own dad’s funeral. I feel their pain so deeply.
And it was when I was crying- every single time that scripture was read- that I had the worst thoughts. I’m a horrible person. A terrible friend. I should never have said this or that. I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t belong. I need to go die. Why isn’t it me that’s dead instead of him? And I cried and cried.
I lost it again at the cemetery when I saw his daughters crying again. I literally had sharp pains in my chest. I waited until last to go say good bye. I gripped the box his ashes were in and told him it wasn’t supposed to be like this, it’s not supposed to end like this, I’ll do whatever he needs to take care of Bridgett. And I thought about grabbing his little box, securing it under my arm, and taking off running. The stupid military is keeping his ashes. I don’t understand why. All I know is it’s not what he nor his wife wanted. They wanted their ashes spread together in a special spot in a national park here. It’s devastating to her that she can’t do that because the military won’t give his ashes to her. That’s why I had the urge to grab him and run. So she could do what they planned. It’s ok, she and I have a plan B.
But I lost it while gripping his box and talking to him. I cried so, so hard.
At one point today, I thought I was going to literally pass out. I haven’t felt that way in almost two years- the last time was when I stopped eating and hadn’t eaten anything substantial for weeks. There’s no excuse for feeling that way today. I’m as fat as can be and eat nonstop. But I was physically weak and faint and nearly went out. I’ve been waking up these last few days dizzy. It happened again just now. I came home from the funeral around 4 and went straight to bed. I woke up around 7 dizzy.
And now I’m up and drinking. Of course. I’m a shitty human being. I
I don’t know where to begin. My mind is a mess. Tomorrow I have the second funeral of the week to attend. I couldn’t go to the third. Tomorrow’s will be the most difficult by far. People are dying all around me. I know it’s the cycle of life, but it’s so much deeper for me than that. I don’t even want to go into it.
I’m also very disturbed by something else that happened last night. One of the young people I work with was hospitalized for talking about suicide. He didn’t attempt, but just the fact that his mind is there is ….disturbing, distressing, depressing, all around awful. I feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I want to visit, but I’m not sure that’s appropriate. But I want him to know he’s cared for and loved and missed. I feel like that’s of utmost importance to someone going through that.
It’s vital, actually.
When I was hospitalized, the thing I wanted most was to get out. Aside from that, I needed people there- to visit, to show me I was cared for and loved, to show me I was important to them, to show me they wouldn’t shun me. And in five fucking days, I had two people visit. It was the most awful realization….seeing that I’d been right all along- that no one cared. You always think that maybe you’re not right, maybe your fears aren’t reality…but to see your fears come true…slowly, right before your eyes…. 😣
It’s the worst feeling.
I don’t want him to feel that. I’d like to be there for him. But I don’t even know if he would be comfortable with it. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to visit. But please pray for him. He needs it.
And please pray for my friend who will continue grieving the loss of her husband tomorrow during his memorial service. Some of the circumstances she’s experiencing right now are unbearable. My heart hurts so badly for her. And him…I’ve missed him so much. I didn’t realize how much of a pillar of strength he had been to me…a symbol of love and forgiveness….the power of grace and mercy. I just
I’ve encountered so many people with evil in them.
I’ve met so few who are genuinely good.
I question everyone, their intentions, their motives…. and yet I see that I’m the one who messes up with friends.
I have so much anger. Sometimes it spills out and I can’t help it. I try to turn it on myself.
And I implode.
Something struck me today- I was thinking about my peeping Tom issue (the smoking man) and was thinking I was lucky I caught him in the act. I’m not sure if I wrote about that or not- but I surprised him as I walked up to my place. He took off running the other direction. He was an older white guy. That’s all I know. I haven’t had fresh cigarette butts by my window since then.
I’ve been eye balling these random old RVs that park here overnight. Sometimes they’re out parked on the street, sometimes they pull into our parking lot in the back for the night. Most of them stay for 1-2 days at a time. I thought maybe my peeping Tom was one of those people.
But today, I decided to check the sex offender registry in my neighborhood. One felony sex offender lives next door, up one floor. 🙄 He’s an older white guy. I can’t say if it’s the same person I caught looking in my window…he ran off so fast. The sex offender’s mug shot is of a slightly heavier guy. That doesn’t mean it’s not the same person- but I truly don’t know. Either way, I’m completely disturbed by the fact that I live so close to a sex offender- a child sex offender at that. 😥
And more, the field that’s across the street- there are a cluster of 3 sex offenders who live on the perimeter of that field. Yikes. I thought myself and the coyotes would be the only things that could hurt me over there.
I’m still absorbing this…and trying not to flip out.
My friend who has lost her husband seems to be doing a tiny bit better, day by day. That’s good. I hope she’ll be ok in the long run…it’s so difficult for her to deal with. I can’t imagine- don’t want to. I still think…well, I’m not sure.
I’ve also been thinking about how paranoid I am about friends leaving me. I cancelled on my small group again tonight. I’m sure they want to kick me out so they can give my spot to someone else. I need them so badly, but I’m so scared to be myself there. Today, when the leader of the group texted me, I was sure she was going to ask me to leave the group. She didn’t. But it made me see how my fears are ruling my thoughts.
I’m keeping another migraine at bay. No sleep, killer headache. I’m going to go veg for a bit and try to alleviate this pain. Thank you for listening to me babble.
So true. Even every time I unlock my phone and my newsfeed pops up. 😓 I try to ignore, but I just can’t.
Most of my day was consumed with worry about turning my friends away from me. I feel like I always say the wrong thing or do something wrong or say something weird that pushes people away. I had wanted to exert myself more, to be more sure of myself, more confident, more graceful in life. But I’ve thrown that out now. I feel like I’m reverting socially, but that’s ok. It’s nothing compared to what others are going through. I’d rather be a good friend in just being present- instead of being present, saying something stupid, and them wishing I wasn’t there.
I guess that’s my big fear. That my friends would rather not have me there. And I’d like to be helpful to them. I’d like to be a good friend when they’re in need, but I’m so damned awkward about it all.
I just want to be loved.