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Published August 28, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Can’t sleep. I’ve been reading and these are some snapshots of what popped out at me. I can’t remember how I found this article- but I will say I’m not at all contemplating anything negative. I’m just trying to learn and educate myself. That’s all.

– The author’s father committed suicide, even though he seemed perfectly happy. I get triggered by “dad” or “father” things all the time…but the effect this has on me is different from her. Her father didn’t abuse her.

– I’ve often wondered what kind of person I would be like if I had a different childhood, a different family….would I be more successful? Very likely. More confident? Surely. More normal, able to enjoy a family of my own?

– And that last part just pisses me off. “I hope I never forget how safe I felt when he hugged me.” STFU! I don’t even remember my father hugging me. Ever.

– Yes, yes. Isolation and lack of connection are my primary battles. It’s caused by shame on my part and not being worth anything to others.

– I’ve wondered about this for years. I’ve felt so isolated out here. Sooooo isolated.

-I hate that other people hurt, but it honestly makes me feel better to know I’m not alone. Over 9 million other people in this country have these thoughts.

– This. This is huge for me. I’ve felt such shame about being hospitalized…shame about being “diagnosed.” I even had a dream about people who mocked me, saying they knew about me and my “diseases.” I was sure that dream was about my shame related to all of this. To show myself that I’m semi-normal and that this can be overcome, I tell myself that I’m not going through this for no reason. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything that wasn’t caused by trauma. I feel it’s perfectly normal to be depressed after being molested and raped, to have PTSD and anxiety when your rapist moves close to you and you have flashbacks of being choked. Isn’t it normal?? So when I saw this line about “tragic personal situations,” it made me feel better.

– YES. Feeling disconnected. Yes.

– So true. I think it’s sensible, depending on the situation. I’m not in the slightest bit mad or blaming my friend for committing suicide. I 100% understand. What gets me is the feeling that her suicide isn’t right. It’s not what should have been. I don’t blame her. I blame whatever made her feel this way.

– Abandonment is huge for me. Every man has walked out of my life in one way or another. Pretty much every woman too. My heart hurts so badly just writing that. πŸ˜–πŸ˜“ But it’s my fault- shame.

– The part about a relative who committed suicide… my uncle. Four friends. 😒

– OMG, so true. I do that now. I’m just reckless because i think- so what? As long as I don’t end up a vegetable- who cares? I don’t!

I feel so bad for Bri. I feel terrible that I wasn’t there for her when she needed someone. I really do.

And I pray that Deven Davis’ death wasn’t suicide. I wonder. I hope not.

Just to clarify…I don’t want to worry anyone. I’m so grateful for the support and encouragement you all have given me. I’m fine, nothing bad is happening, I’m just reading. It’s not fair to worry you for no reason. I’m just trying to educate myself and see how this is seen from the outside so I can learn. Please keep up with the positive feedback because it means the world to me. Thank you.

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Published August 18, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I am stunned. The wife of Jonathan Davis, the lead singer of Korn died today.

Her name was Deven and she was only 39 years old. They had two children together.

I know she’d been battling addiction for a very long time. Her cause of death isn’t yet publicly known, but I’m guessing it might have been an overdose. She was at a sober house, but disappeared from there a week ago.

God, I don’t even know what to think. This is what I’m talking about though- why have her die and not me? She has a family she’s leaving behind. I have no one. Why would God take her?

Jonathan Davis was my all-time favorite idol. I was obsessed with this guy for years. I toured with him and Marilyn Manson way back in the day. That was the happiest summer of my life. I got to see Jon and Korn perform 32 times in a row (every other day or so) from side stage. I always said side stage is my most favorite place in the world to be.

I’ve been listening to Korn’s album, Untouchables, on loop for about a week now.

I’d always been impressed with their relationship. She was a porn star until she married him. I thought it was cool that two messed up people could come together in love and have a relatively healthy relationship.

I’d heard that Jon became a Christian. That wasn’t made public (as far as I know), but someone told me he heard Jon give his testimony at his church in California. I’m still not sure if it’s true because there was no way to confirm it.

I’d freaked out when Head became a Christian. I had prayed for that for years- that the members of my favorite band would know God.

I specifically prayed Jon could find healing and God. He cried out to God in his songs constantly.

My chest hurts. I honestly can’t believe this.

I’ve been following Deven on Instagram for years now. She kept making new accounts, but she followed me on her first account. I felt honored. They’d been separated for a few years now, but still must have been kind of close. She posted new pics with him and their children all the time. I guess they were good at co-parenting.

My heart hurts so badly for Jon and his sons. I hope that while reeling with her sudden death, he doesn’t lash out at God or turn away from him. That’s very easy to do. I hope that instead, he turns to God and stretches his arms out to him for help. I hope he can bury his head in God’s embrace and find solace.

I can’t…but maybe he can.

πŸ’”

Published June 20, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Today as I was trying to brush off reliving a few experiences, I remembered something I read. The author was a Vietnam vet who was writing a snippet about his experience. He said something like, “if you see a warrior staring off in the distance, quietly move away.”

Immediately, I knew he was referring to PTSD. But I wouldn’t tell people to move away. I’d tell them to quietly, gently interrupt and thereby redirect our thoughts.

I did quite a bit of staring off and reliving things today. I’m not quite sure why.

It’s one thing I can’t control. I guess it’s more accurate to say there are many things I can’t control. My flashbacks are just one.

Published June 1, 2018 by Chloe Madison

“The unknown distance to the great beyond

Stares back at my grieving frame”

My God, I have been struck by massive headaches lately. Some have been full on migraines, others just close to migraines. Today, yesterday, the day before, the day before that, it goes on and on.

I even left the house to run an errand, thinking if I got up and moving, my headache would subside. It got so much worse, that I had to turn around and go back home. Ridiculous.

I don’t know what’s causing this- perhaps the stress of moving? Other than that and dealing with the young girl who was raped and continuing to deal with my own stupid stuff, that’s the only stress I have at the moment.

I’m in for a big life change with this move. It will turn my budget upside down and a lot of things are going to change. But I’m so ready for change- any kind of change. If I could literally go to the moon, I would. It wouldn’t be far enough away from this place. So as stressful as the move might be, I’m actually really looking forward to it. It’s a ton more money and a lot less pretty and a lot smaller, but I’m ok with that. I truly feel it’s in a safe place and I really, really need that.

I dreamed last night that my rapist who lives here was at my front door. I freaked out and ran around the house, closing blinds and locking things down and cowering down in an anxiety ridden mess. It was terrible…but honestly, this dream wasn’t nearly as bad as others. I think it shows how vulnerable I feel- that I don’t feel safe and that I feel anyone can do me harm and intrude upon where I live. Everyone has a right- a basic human right- to feel safe where they live.

I often wonder how long this crap will last. I am so sick of this. I remember when I was healed and thought I could handle anything life threw at me with God, my Father, on my side. And now…

Now…

Ugh. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t trust him and tears stream down my face as I write this. I feel so guilty about saying that. But it’s the truth of where I am.

I struggle with this every day, practically all day and all night long. I talk to God and pray…but I doubt him and his intentions. I doubt his goodness. I doubt his trustworthiness. And I doubt my own ability to carry on.

My church is doing this thing where they want to “hear people’s stories” and for a second, I thought it would be a great place for me to share. But they’re doing it so others can learn and be inspired by peoples’ successes and how God has moved in their lives. So that cuts me out. That isn’t the place for me to share. I’m not a success and I’m struggling so much with God that no one would be “inspired.” And that’s ok. I know I’m in a tough place with God. I hope he doesn’t give up on me like everyone else has. πŸ˜“

My church and my job are the only things not about to change in my life. Actually, my job just did change. A full-time position is called a 1.0. So if you’re 0.8 or less, you work part time. Since I was hired there, I worked a 1.2, which is a full time position and then some. For the last 2 years, I worked a 1.4. That’s practically unheard of. I think I was only able to do it because I have no family, no friends, and no social life here. I needed that 1.4 with this move. It was such good extra money and I needed it so badly to pay down debt. I was told a few weeks ago that I would be down to a 1.2 again. Argh!!! I really need that money. This is part of what will make my budget super tight in the future. So I guess even my job is changing…I will have less work. And honestly, I don’t think that’s a good thing. Being able to busy myself with my job has been important to keep my mind occupied.

Ok. So I guess my church will be the only thing not changing for me. And this is good because my church is amaze balls. Even though I shy away from talking to people there, I absolutely love the people there. And I have a phenomenal pastor who is so gifted at preaching- it’s unreal.

I just don’t know how long I can hang in with this shit swirling in my head. I’m trying to focus on others- on being an encouragement to other people. I’ve been talking a lot with the young girl whose uncle molested and raped her and with her friend, who was raped a few weeks ago. I’m checking in on both of them and encouraging both of them and letting them know I’m cheerleading for them and believe in them. I’ve got their back. I know I would have loved to hear that. So I’m trying to focus on being a positive force in peoples’ lives…but even then, I feel like a failure.

I think often – every single day- of my friends who abandoned me. I wonder what it was about me that they didn’t like. Was I too needy? Not nice enough? Not caring or loving or supportive enough? It makes me so, so scared to lose more friends. I mean, I barely have any to begin with. I wish people could be more understanding. Why throw me away? Why not talk to me? It makes me feel like trash that is discarded. And I already felt that way from the men in my life who used me and cast me aside.

I feel…and I worry…that I’m too needy. I need people. I need support. And everyone has quit on me. Every. Single. Person. It’s not their fault…it’s mine. And this is part of what makes me so angry at God. And here come the tears again. Will I be this much of a mess forever? I feel like this is not my fault. I didn’t ask for my father to sexually abuse me. I didn’t ask to get raped and molested by others. I didn’t ask for my mother and grandmother to cover up everything and protect my abuser. I didn’t ask for a fiancΓ© who degraded me and cheated on me. It’s not my fault that I’m so fucked up. But this is what tires people and chases them away. I guess I can see that people can only deal with so much- they have their own lives and their own issues. And this is why I stand here alone. I’ve always said that and it’s because it’s true. No one is strong enough to stand by your side forever.

So it brings me right back to the same question- how long will this fucking shit last?? I can’t take this forever. I’m hanging in by a thread, carrying on as if I were normal…and I can barely do it. I absolutely cannot take this for much longer. I can’t be this fucked up forever. There is no way in hell I can do this much longer. I’ve got to get better. I cannot go through the rest of life like this. I just can’t. I don’t have the strength or the energy.

“I feel my faded mind begin to roam”

Published May 11, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Oph. I have serious trust issues. I know that must be obvious….but dang, it’s ridiculous. The good news is that I slept well for 3 nights straight. It was awesome. I had a never-ending nightmare last Friday night about being taken hostage for days. That was the last nightmare I’ve had since then. And then the 3 nights following that dream, I slept well- dreamt, but nothing scary or bad. Then, the insomnia started again…but not from nightmares this time. Maybe it’s just from anxiety? I don’t know. One night, I kept falling back asleep, but woke up about 40 times. I kid you not. It was ridiculously bad. But hey, I kept falling asleep though- so that’s good. The other nights recently…I’ve just been awake for hours for no reason. I got up last night around 1am to walk my dog since I couldn’t sleep. I found this on my door:

And that’s when I realize how paranoid and untrustworthy I am. This note scares the sh*t out of me.

I simply can’t trust.

I see it occur over and over again in my life and I don’t know what to do about it. And then I get shocked when people, like my former friends here, choose to abandon me while I’m in the hospital. They just confirm everything negative for me. I totally thought I could trust them! And I did! And then that happened. It takes me so long to feel ok and comfortable with people.

I’ll never forget what an ass I felt like- when I first met my 911 friend. He was too nice…I was so suspicious of him simply because of his friendliness. Even though I mostly trust him now, I don’t think I’ll ever tell him that. He’s one of the kindest souls to walk this planet and I would never want him to stop being nice to people. This world needs so much of that. This world needs more people who care.

But I digress. I don’t know how to take this note. I actually thought it was from another neighbor and almost didn’t finish reading it. Then, I saw the apartment number and realized it was from a different person than I originally thought. Maybe it was finding the note at 1am when I was groggy. I don’t know why it weirds me out so much. It shouldn’t. Right?

I really don’t know. And then, there’s an issue with another friend of mine- one whom I haven’t seen in years and years. He helped pay my hospital bills and has been nothing but nice to me since reconnecting. Months ago, he told me about marital issues he was having and that they were in counseling. But yesterday, he opened up about everything. It goes so much deeper than I ever thought. They’re a Christian couple, but his wife wants an open marriage. I’m dumbfounded. I just don’t get that. Neither does he and he’s reeling with hurt and confusion and resentment. His wife has already become very emotionally attached to 2 other people- one a man, the other a woman. They’ve admitted “feelings” for each other, but decided not to get physical- to just stay friends. But clearly, my friend is hurt by this. Apparently, he hasn’t been the best at communicating over the years. He says he grew up with the idea that men shouldn’t be vulnerable and shouldn’t show feelings. So to a woman, that would appear as uncaring, stoic, aloof. I get it. She feels emotionally neglected and I get that too. I see that quite a bit in marriages- simply as an outside observer.

Anyway, we talked for an hour this evening. I think I was able to give him some good insight from a woman’s point of view. I hope it helps them heal. But my heart hurts so badly for him. I’ve been cheated on twice now. And I can’t imagine the pain he’s going through. He’s not willing to give up on his marriage so he doesn’t want a divorce. That’s good…but I worry with this new “open marriage” concept, even though it’s not supposed to be physical, that it’s only going to complicate things and cause greater hurt and resentment. I just don’t see that ending well. I feel so terrible for him. My heart is very heavy about that. I want to support him in any way I can- even though it’s from across the country. I’m just worried they won’t get through this. I really hope they do though.

It’s odd….I’m struggling so much with God right now. I’m sure he’s angry with me for being mad at him and for pulling away and for not having faith that he will heal me. But that’s just me being brutally honest. Those are only some of my struggles. And my friend with the newly open marriage, was asking my advice on that. My first question was what their relationship with God was like? He said there wasn’t much of one- that they had been burned out in ministry and pulled away from the “Christian culture.” I suggested he get right with God first. And of course, I see the irony in that- I need to get myself right with God. I told him that- I’m struggling with God too- it’s ok. Isn’t it? I don’t want him to give up on God. Look what happens when you do- you die. You die internally. You die spiritually. And in my case, you can die physically. I just think that if their marriage has any hope (<— there’s that evil word again) of healing, that it will come from God.

It was so strange to be giving advice on the Christian walk when I suck so hard at it. I know no one gets it perfect. But I don’t feel I’m in any position at all for that. I can help and support as a friend- that’s for sure. And I will gladly do that.

__________

I’m quite anxiety ridden about where I will live. I have no clue where I’m moving to and time is ticking away. I’m kinda terrified. I think that’s part of what keeps me awake- my mind races and races. The nightmares don’t help- but I’m so grateful I haven’t had them for a whole week now.

Published May 9, 2018 by Chloe Madison

This screenshot is from the movie, “Speak.” That’s the guy who raped her leaning over her. She didn’t tell anyone about the rape- hence the name, “Speak” as she tries to find her voice.

This is how I feel every time I’m near where he lives. It makes me want to throw up. I wish he wasn’t here.