Can’t sleep. I’ve been reading and these are some snapshots of what popped out at me. I can’t remember how I found this article- but I will say I’m not at all contemplating anything negative. I’m just trying to learn and educate myself. That’s all.
– The author’s father committed suicide, even though he seemed perfectly happy. I get triggered by “dad” or “father” things all the time…but the effect this has on me is different from her. Her father didn’t abuse her.
– I’ve often wondered what kind of person I would be like if I had a different childhood, a different family….would I be more successful? Very likely. More confident? Surely. More normal, able to enjoy a family of my own?
– And that last part just pisses me off. “I hope I never forget how safe I felt when he hugged me.” STFU! I don’t even remember my father hugging me. Ever.
– Yes, yes. Isolation and lack of connection are my primary battles. It’s caused by shame on my part and not being worth anything to others.
– I’ve wondered about this for years. I’ve felt so isolated out here. Sooooo isolated.
-I hate that other people hurt, but it honestly makes me feel better to know I’m not alone. Over 9 million other people in this country have these thoughts.
– This. This is huge for me. I’ve felt such shame about being hospitalized…shame about being “diagnosed.” I even had a dream about people who mocked me, saying they knew about me and my “diseases.” I was sure that dream was about my shame related to all of this. To show myself that I’m semi-normal and that this can be overcome, I tell myself that I’m not going through this for no reason. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything that wasn’t caused by trauma. I feel it’s perfectly normal to be depressed after being molested and raped, to have PTSD and anxiety when your rapist moves close to you and you have flashbacks of being choked. Isn’t it normal?? So when I saw this line about “tragic personal situations,” it made me feel better.
– YES. Feeling disconnected. Yes.
– So true. I think it’s sensible, depending on the situation. I’m not in the slightest bit mad or blaming my friend for committing suicide. I 100% understand. What gets me is the feeling that her suicide isn’t right. It’s not what should have been. I don’t blame her. I blame whatever made her feel this way.
– Abandonment is huge for me. Every man has walked out of my life in one way or another. Pretty much every woman too. My heart hurts so badly just writing that. 😖😓 But it’s my fault- shame.
– The part about a relative who committed suicide… my uncle. Four friends. 😢
– OMG, so true. I do that now. I’m just reckless because i think- so what? As long as I don’t end up a vegetable- who cares? I don’t!
I feel so bad for Bri. I feel terrible that I wasn’t there for her when she needed someone. I really do.
And I pray that Deven Davis’ death wasn’t suicide. I wonder. I hope not.
Just to clarify…I don’t want to worry anyone. I’m so grateful for the support and encouragement you all have given me. I’m fine, nothing bad is happening, I’m just reading. It’s not fair to worry you for no reason. I’m just trying to educate myself and see how this is seen from the outside so I can learn. Please keep up with the positive feedback because it means the world to me. Thank you.