This week has been an absolute nightmare. I had to take the day off work on Monday because I was so frazzled and hadn’t slept. I spent the day at Home Depot buying Ring security cameras. I have all but one installed.

The police didn’t do anything. The day I had off work, I wandered around the property to see if they had dumped their dead cat or half-dead cat somewhere in the weeds. About 50 feet away from my home, I found 2 bags with 3 dead squirrels in them. Extremely disturbing. I don’t think it’s related, but having another psycho person out there killing animals doesn’t make me feel any better.

So the police said they saw the cat and it appeared to be ok. I wondered if they bothered to lift it up and check it’s body for injuries. I don’t know what story they gave the police.

My HOA contacted them and the story they gave the HOA was that they were giving the cat a bath. At 2am?? Beating the cat with a stick or pole is part of the bathing process? Beating the cat on the window sill so hard that you break down your blinds and crack the window?!

I’ll tell you what. I really started doubting myself. I wondered if it started out as a bath and maybe the cat scratched her and then, maybe she started hitting it.

My neighbors initially rallied around me and even helped me to install the Ring doorbell camera. Once they heard the bath story though… I feel like a few of them started to doubt me.

I wondered if maybe I overreacted. I wondered if my PTSD kicked in. My heart rate shot up, I was shaking, hiding in the dark in my bathroom (the only place where someone can’t peer in a window). I wondered if maybe I assumed the worst.

But the facts are:

I saw her beating the cat with either a stick or pole.

There was blood smeared on the window.

She broke down the blinds while hitting at the cat.

She broke the window while hitting the cat.

When I knocked on the window to make her stop, she flicked me off.

So that last one tells me she was definitely angry. I knocked on her window repeatedly and she could have looked through the window and talked to me. She didn’t. She flicked me off and kept hitting the cat.

I’m trying to maintain to myself that I’m not crazy, that I’m not imagining things. Her window is still broken. But really… could she fool police that easily? Seriously?? Maybe they didn’t care. Maybe they barely looked at the cat. Maybe they did and the cat was wet from a bath. I don’t know.

All I know is I’m scared and I feel very threatened by her. I feel like she’s going to retaliate for me calling the cops on her.

I finally slept hard last night. The tiredness just caught up to me. I’m thoroughly exhausted. I keep praying that I see their cat in the window again. But I haven’t. I really hope that it’s ok and not in pain.

I wonder what kind of people can beat an animal so mercilessly. I wonder what kind of person can kill and collect squirrels. What the heck is going on??? Freaks me out. Nothing feels right. And nothing certainly feels safe.

I don’t know what to do. My shaking has stopped, but my heart still hearts. I checked my heart rate and it says it’s going down.

I just witnessed my neighbor beating her cat to death. At least, I’m pretty sure the cat is dead. I called police twice. I tried banging on her bathroom window where she was beating the cat with a stick or pole. She gave me the bird and kept on beating it. There was blood smeared on the window and the glass broke.

I’m terrified. I’m sure she’ll be coming after me. As of now, I’m hiding in the dark watching to see if she comes over. God, I hate living on the first floor where every door and every window is accessible to anyone walking by.

That poor cat. I tried. I don’t know what else to do. The police finally came and I could see them talking with the couple for a while. But the police didn’t even pull up the blinds in the bathroom where the cat was on the window sill. I don’t think they saw the broken glass. I don’t think they saw blood either because while they were taking forever to come, the lady was wiping down the window sill, the window, and the blinds. She actually pulled the blinds down when she was beating the cat. She got them back up and cleaned them off before the police ever arrived.

The police are now gone and the lady is still banging around next door. I’m absolutely terrified. She knows I’m the one who banged on her window and I’m the one who called the police on her.

God, I don’t want to be here. I wish I didn’t live next to a psycho violent lady. If I’m ever killed or disappear, know that my neighbor directly to the west of me did it.

Why isn’t animal abuse taken more seriously?? What if the police didn’t find the cat- dead or alive? Did they just leave the lady there? I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to keep myself safe from this lady. I am so tense and don’t want to go outside- not even to go to work. I’ve been thinking about calling in sick to work. I need sleep and I want to be here to watch my place. I’m sure this lady will do something. I think she’s the one who cut my outdoor lights. I’m not sure. I am sure that she killed or nearly killed her cat and I’m terrified she’s going to come after me. She beat that cat until it no longer screeched. It has to be dead.

I’m hiding

I’ve been so agitated, but so exhausted that I haven’t been able to write in a few days. I’m still thoroughly exhausted and probably won’t be able to express everything I want to.

First, my friend. I’m pretty sure he’s pissed off at me. In the very least, he’s annoyed and frustrated with me. I feel so bad still even though there’s been a resolution. I don’t want him to be angry with me. And yet, I was so, so angry with him. I can’t believe how mad I became. I apologized, but it doesn’t seem enough. He didn’t deserve my anger. His decision at the time did, but not him. It wasn’t his fault.

I also heard him start to say something in a message he left. I think I severely burdened him when I was really depressed. I never meant to do that. Honestly, at the time, I never thought of it like that. I don’t think it was until my 2 former friends refused to visit me in the hospital and unfriended me- that’s when I realized I was a burden to people. I don’t want to be a burden or trouble or a hassle or stress. To anyone ever. It makes me feel like shit and I think I need to make sure I don’t ever burden anyone again.

Second, the whole Gabby Petito thing. 😖 Horrible. So much of that story resonates. Since March, I’d visited just about every place they visited. All the images and videos are what I just saw and explored as well. Then, to see her crying, at her wit’s end, to see her take the blame when the 911 call was about a man slapping a woman. I don’t blame the officers, but damn. C’mon. My ex-fiancé could charm the pants off of Satan himself. He charmed our therapist and pulled the wool over his eyes. I was shocked. So to see Brian Laundrie cool, calm, collected, making light of the situation…. Oph… that’s all too familiar. Meanwhile, I’d be worked up into a panic (just like Gabby), thinking he’d leave me or I wasn’t loved by him or wondering why couldn’t I make him happy. Your turn it in on yourself. But in abusive situations, you’re greatly helped along with that. I GUARANTEE that after the cops left them, Brian gave Gabby a guilt trip letting her know he could have had her arrested and charged, but didn’t. He probably used that against her for weeks.

When the story broke that she was missing in the Tetons, I nearly set out to join the searching. I knew, though, that before I could get time off and get mobilized, they would find her.

And now the news has broken that her death is, indeed, a homicide.

I watched the entire body cam video of when the police stopped them. I wish they would have investigated more and gotten to the bottom of why she was so upset. Maybe some other stuff would have come to light.

I wish they would have asked Brian more questions when Gabby said he grabbed her by the face and that’s why she fought back. I wish they had asked about the slap. They didn’t. I wish they weren’t so quick to lay the blame on her just because she was blaming herself. I wish they had investigated more when their stories didn’t line up- Brian claimed Gabby grabbed the steering wheel and made them hit the curb. Gabby said she punched Brian in the arm while he was driving and that’s why they hit the curb. It’s a semi-minor inconsistency, but it’s an inconsistency and it shows someone is lying. They really should have spent more time getting to the bottom of it instead of shrugging it off.

Again, I don’t blame the police. Even if they realized that they were dealing with a DV and offered Gabby a way out, she most likely wouldn’t have taken it.

I’m livid with the fact that Brian’s family has been complicit in withholding information and in hiding Brian. I hope to God they are charged. You can absolutely see how Brian is an abuser who takes no responsibility when he is surrounded by family who helps him skirt that responsibility.

I don’t know yet how she died. I wonder and imagine. It keeps bringing me back to my ex. At one point, I asked him to not murder me if I ever pissed him off. I told him to just leave me.

The fact that I even thought to say something like that to him. I knew I wasn’t in a healthy relationship. I’m glad I got out.

My heart bleeds for Gabby and the years of misery she went through.

Ugh. I can’t get over this terrible, shameful, awful feeling. Don’t get me wrong, my friend is an amazing man. I could write a book about how wonderful he is and all that he’s done for me. I was about to say he believed in me when no one else did…. But I guess since he doesn’t believe in me now that it cancels out. Well, the point is I think the world of him and would do anything for him and his family. God, this is tearing me up. Why did it have to be him of all people who betrayed me? Why did it have to be him who is hell bent on controlling me? Why is it him who’s not showing me the respect I deserve?

I hate to be so hard on him. You know the old adage “it takes one to know one”? Well, because I’ve experienced trauma and seen how it can affect my judgment, I can easily see that in him too. His fears of returning my stuff are from his past experiences. He has good intentions, but that doesn’t make it right. It’s been four years already.

I need to have healthy relationships with the few people I actually connect to. I really want a healthy relationship with him. But this distrust, disrespect, betrayal… this is not healthy. It’s surprising to me that he can’t see that.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m overthinking and overreacting. He is such an amazing guy. His family is absolutely the best. Up to now, he’s been nothing but kind to me. This decision of HIS about MY life though…. I can’t get over it.

It washes everything down the drain. The support I thought I had in him- I don’t think I have any more. I don’t have his trust. How do I handle my negative feelings about someone I hold in such high regard?

I have felt super uneasy since I talked with my friend. His refusal to give me my firearm is just astounding to me. I can’t fathom how he thinks he has a right to keep MY things. I just don’t get it.

I was happy to finally communicate with him and hear him out, but it didn’t matter. I still feel defeated and quite down.

It bothers me so much that he doesn’t trust me. I think that’s what’s hurting me the most. He said something along the lines of it not being a trust issue, but more of an issue where he thinks darkness might get the best of me some day. Isn’t that the same as not trusting me to fight through the darkness?

I don’t deny that there will probably be dark times ahead. I don’t deny that my life in the future looks bleak. I don’t deny that I take things really hard. But I also don’t deny that I’ve worked so hard to become willing and able to deal with all this.

It hurts so much that he refuses to see my progress. He doesn’t think I’m adult enough to have access to a firearm. That’s just plain demeaning to me. After all that I’ve been through- all the abuse, rapes…. You would think that someone ho knows this would try to treat me with respect and allow me to control my own life.

Geez. I think with that last sentence I just realized why I’m craving that control so badly. I’ve known from the second this first started that I felt “controlled” and that’s the number one thing that I hated in the hospital. I just realized it’s triggering me. Someone trying to control me, especially a man, triggers me and makes me think of how I was controlled during all the abuse and rapes. I think that’s why I’m so offended by him trying to control me. Well, at least, I can understand my own feelings better now. But it doesn’t take that feeling away.

Him refusing to return my stuff equates to him controlling me. On Sunday, when he told me he wouldn’t give it back, I literally felt like my insides were squirming- much like when you’re pulling away from someone who is trying to hug you, but makes you feel uncomfortable.

When I talked with him on the phone, it was a difficult conversation. It’s one of the first times that I’ve ever gotten off the phone with him and felt WORSE. At least I can say that I spoke my piece and I stood up for myself, even though it did no good.

Maybe part of me feeling so down and uneasy is because I respect this guy so much and now he’s the one making me feel uncomfortable. I mean, I’m also angry at him for betraying my trust… but his lack of trust is hurting me… on top of him controlling me. I really, really hate that.

I think another aspect to this is that I’ve been disappointed because I regarded him so highly. I would literally say that there are about 4-5 men in this world that I would fully trust. He was the top of the list. But the fact that he betrayed my trust is a devastating loss and proves my belief that there aren’t any good people in this world and people can’t be trusted. I don’t want to sound wary of all men, but I am. I’d use those few guys to tell myself, “See? Look- there are good men out there!” But now.. well. This is why I’m having such a hard time with this.

I felt great at the start of today. But the more time that passes, that I don’t hear from my friend- it makes me more uneasy.

Some things keeps playing in my head. He asked how many people I knew of who died by suicide using a firearm. I told him and he said it was “profoundly disturbing.” I get it- the more people I know who have died by suicide, the more it’s normalized. I know that it increases my risk as well. But it’s not my fault that I know people who have died that way. There’s nothing I can do about it.

I have high hopes for today… of this finally being over. I have fears too though. It seems like my friend doesn’t want to have to worry about me anymore. It seems if I’m not armed, he doesn’t worry. I could be taking that all wrong, but that’s the vibe I’m getting. I think maybe I’m only deriving that from our lack of communication over the last few years. A few years ago, whenever he’d get worried, it was obvious to me because he’d text me a lot. I’m getting the idea that he doesn’t want to give my firearm back so that he doesn’t have to go back to worrying all the time and texting all the time. This is where my fear comes in. Friends have abandoned me before- and I’m assuming it was because I was too much trouble for them. I don’t want to be an annoyance, a disturbance, a bother- at all, to anyone ever. I guess I’m worried that if I get my firearm back, that he’s annoyed it will continue to worry him- and he doesn’t have time for that. He barely has time to talk to me now.

I tried to think of things I could do to help ease his mind. I offered to promise to contact him if I get super depressed again. But something still nags at me. I think it’s because he’s not talking with me that much. I can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t want to waste time talking with me. It seems like he has much bigger, more important things to deal with. I get the idea that this is a bad time for him. And I get the feeling that I’m annoying him.

That’s the last thing I want to do. But at the same time, I can’t do everything on his timeline. First of all, if it was up to him, the timeline would be “never.” But I’ve done everything I can to placate him for years. How much longer am I supposed to do this? It’s not like he’s going to suddenly get less busy. It’s not like I’m going to see him anytime soon- or ever, for that matter.

It hurts me to think that he doesn’t want to talk with me anymore. He only talks with me when he’s worried. I think that’s putting a strain on things. I don’t know. Maybe I’m imagining it. But there’s definitely been a separation and lack of communication for quite a while now. I’m not imagining that.

I remember back those few years ago of always feeling guilty. I thought my depression and state of mind were distracting him from doing God’s work. It was the worst timing imaginable- he was literally moving across the world. I kept thinking the devil was using me to distract him from focusing on the move and on God’s calling for him over there. Ironically, the move didn’t work out and they returned (albeit to another country). He seems swamped with work now and I don’t want to be a distraction again.

But I do want my dignity back. I need my independence. I need to trust myself and for him to trust me. I would like my friend back, but he’s far too busy for that. It will have to wait. And it can.

Woke up feeling hopeful that I can regain my dignity soon.

Well, things have taken a turn… a healthier turn. He actually started talking to me and I think we made some headway. We’ve not come to a full agreement yet, but hopefully, it’s impending.

I don’t know how to explain to him my desire to be normal, to be viewed and treated as an adult. I was stripped of everything in that place. Everything. He has no idea what that place was like and what I went through in there. His “good intentions” gave me one of the worst experiences of my life. I simply want back everything that was taken from me. I can’t feel whole again until I’m back to normal, until I’m back in control of me.

I know he can’t understand that. He’s never been held against his will, he’s never been stripped of his possessions… how could he understand me? I think part of me needing to control my own life deals with other people controlling me throughout the years- even during rape, when you’re not in control and someone else is forcing you – well, that’s all I can think of. This is why I can’t stand that he is dictating MY life and what I can possess or can’t possess. It’s not right. It’s not healthy. And I need to break free from this.

Regardless, I feel so much better about the situation. All I needed was to talk with him and have him try to trust me. I don’t know why he was avoiding me so much. I understand that he feels he can’t trust me with it… and there’s no way for me to prove otherwise. There’s nothing. I’ve offered a few stipulations to help ease his mind, but I don’t think it will work. Nothing can ease his mind.

But I need to move on. I don’t want someone controlling me and withholding my own property from me. I’ve let this go on for way too long. Maybe that’s my mistake. I was trying so hard to be patient with him and do it on his timeline. But his timeline means “never.” So that’s not a viable solution.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully, I can retrieve it with his blessing. If not, then we’re back at square one.

I think what’s making me feel so much better isn’t the likelihood of getting my firearm, but seeing that he hasn’t completely abandoned our friendship. I still think he’s about to… but at the moment, he hasn’t. God knows… I prayed and prayed after I left the clan. I need people like him in my life so badly. I hate that we’re so far away and can’t interact that much. But I sure didn’t want to lose him… lose his friendship, his positivity, his support. But I have lost his trust. That is clear. And that is still incredibly devastating to me. I never realized he didn’t trust me until he sent those messages telling me about his decision. That crushing sensation is still on my chest.

“I don’t believe anymore. I don’t believe that there’s anything better than this. I don’t believe that there’s anyone who loves me or wants to help me, not even God. I think God hates me. And I don’t know why.”

– this is quoted from the Green River Killer movie, from one of the victims. I doubt it’s a real quote, but it’s pretty apropos for me at the moment.

What the hell is wrong with people in this world? Why are we even here? Just to hurt others? Really? That’s it?? All we do is hurt and hurt and hurt and inflict pain.

Well, I just killed my most trusted friendship. I left the game. Such a stupid thing for me to hold onto, pretending it was a family. A fake family, I know. But I still wanted to be a part of it.

I can’t believe I can’t trust him. I’m in shock. I’m absolutely devastated that our friendship is over. I don’t know why God does this to me. What the fuck does he want from me?

I’m not good enough for this guy. He doesn’t fucking believe in me. He doesn’t think I’m strong enough. He doesn’t think of me as a competent, independent adult. No matter how far I’ve come in the last few years… it just doesn’t matter to him.

HE’D RATHER HOLD THAT GUN TIGHTER THAN HE HELD OUR FRIENDSHIP. I can’t believe it’s so easy for him to let it go. That proves I never meant anything, our friendship never meant a thing. He doesn’t respect me enough to answer my questions. He just keeps avoiding me.

I left the family I had in that game. It seems like it was just a fake family. No trust. No companionship. No communication. No believing in others. This is why it was all bullshit.

God, I feel so dumb for believing him, for believing he would hold that safely for me.

I have no choice now. I know it’s a dick move, but how else do I get it out of my name? Either I register a sale or transfer- which I am not doing- or I report it as stolen- which it now is.

I don’t know why he’s created such an issue. I now know.

Now, I know. He can’t be trusted. I didn’t care how kind he pretends to be. He can’t be trusted. I guess there’s no point in “getting answers” from him. I probably wouldn’t believe anything he says at this point. I’m dying for answers, for some truth to help me understand, to help me not hate him. But he won’t talk to me about the questions I’ve asked.

It’s unreal how everything has changed in the last 30 hours. I wonder if I can sleep tonight. I doubt it. My eyes are burning. In 30 hours, I went from respect, love, adoration, I’d give my life for this guy and his family…. To distrust, controlling, deceiving, betrayed. I just can’t believe it. I never thought I’d lose HIM as a friend. Never.