Published July 18, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Having super bad nightmares- all different kinds and tons of them. The good thing is I’m sleeping much better and am able to go back to sleep after waking up from all of these terrible dreams. The nightmares have been relentless though. I don’t know what’s going on with that. My mind is such a scary place.

My mom is starting to get to me. She keeps calling me fat. But in her defense, I really am. I’ve gained so much weight since Christmas- a solid 25 pounds. 😣 Most of my clothes don’t fit me any more. I feel so ashamed of myself. I was ugly and alone before. Now I’m ugly, alone, AND fat. Awesome. It’s totally my fault though. I’d like to blame the meds for increasing my appetite, but I’m not sure that’s the case. I’ve been eating everything I see- for months now. I take full blame for that.

I went through several days where my anxiety and irritability was through the roof. I couldn’t control my irritability and I felt so terrible. It’s much better now and I’m very grateful. I just don’t want my irritability to translate to rudeness or unhappiness to anyone else. If I’m going through something, I want it to only bother me- not spread to anyone else. That’s not fair.

So I’m glad a lot of that is gone now. I hope it stays that way.

I’m still getting pretty triggered by seeing my dad’s name and his stuff here. I’m especially bothered by things I made for him as a little kid. Seeing my tiny handprint on something made for my abuser just messes with my head. It kills me. My former innocence a

Advertisements
Published July 16, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Haven’t slept well for days now. Migraines for two days. I’ve been at my mom’s for two days.

Seeing reminders of my dad everywhere is triggering me like never before. I’m very surprised actually. Don’t quite know how to deal with it.

I’m thinking of telling my brother why I was hospitalized. But I absolutely can’t share why I have PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Anxiety. I can’t imagine ruining his life. I can’t imagine if I told him, that he’d be able to cope well. He wasn’t victimized and so doesn’t have that to deal with- but he idolizes our father. I can’t bring his world crashing down on him the way it’s crashed down on me.

When I was at my best friend’s place, we went to a water park where you climbed high towers to reach the top of the slides. I stood in line there for so long, overlooking the place…. I had some “unhealthy” thoughts and imagined some terrible things. I feel so ashamed to say that. That was almost a week ago and I’m just now admitting it.

My 911 friend might be moving back to the States. Part of me thinks it’ll never happen. A big part of me is ecstatic. He’s an incredible person- I always learn from him and he is one of the very few who knows what I’m going through. But part of me is absolutely terrified. I know that all he needs to do is make a phone call and I can be locked up again. That will never be ok with me. Never. I have so much fear about him coming back. I feel more comfortable with him being far away. Part of me thinks maybe this is God’s way of making me man up and face things…of not letting me hide anymore. But I am so, so petrified of saying the wrong thing or giving a bad impression.

My mind is swirling with my dad and my brother…do I even bother to say anything at all? Telling the truth is liberating. And if they want to judge me, then f**k them. This is who I am and the cards I was dealt in life. I’m doing the best I can to deal.

It’s how I feel about the prick who now lives in my state, way too close for comfort. I can tell my brother part of my PTSD is from that guy moving closer to me. I can just tell him I can’t share the rest- about my dad. I’m not sure he will understand.

I have so much hate for that bastard. I literally f**king hate that guy. I need to somehow forgive. But I can’t yet. I hate that fothermucker. I hear Jonathan Davis’ anguished voice in my head when I feel this. The end of the song, “Daddy” where he cries and releases his pain….that’s all I can think of.

That’s me.

Published July 9, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Nightmares, nightmares, nightmares. What is going on??

Last night, in one of my nightmares Iron Man was choking me over and over again. What does that even mean? That even superheroes can’t be trusted? Everyone, even the “good” people will hurt you? Or I wonder if it has something to do with seeing how bad people get away with everything…so they’re seemingly all-powerful. I’m super intimidated by one of the people who violated me- just because he’s an attorney and was in the Coast Guard. It makes him seem absolutely unstoppable.

The Iron Man dream was only one of many last night. I went to bed at 2am and woke up at 9am. In between, I woke up about ten times from different nightmares. Went right back to sleep to another bad dream. I only had one benign dream last night. I was finding shark teeth on a beach and had returned someone’s lost pants. They had their wallet attached to the side of the pants so I could figure out who to contact in order to give all their money and their pants back.

I’m praying I’m not so irritable today. I feel so bad about it. I need to be happier.

Published July 9, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I’ve been agitated like no other these last few days. I’ve wanted to go off on people out of simple annoyance. I don’t know why I’m so pissy. I guess it’s the depression? That can cause irritability. But this is bad! I’m so annoyed that I’ve physically had to distance myself from people.

Other things have been happening too. But I’m too paranoid to put that in writing.

I feel terrible- I’m so appreciative of my bestie and her hospitality that I’m pretending to have a great time. Many times though, I actually am. But other times, I am absolutely not.

I cleaned her whole house again. I actually like cleaning and I feel like maybe I can show her my appreciation by doing some housekeeping and laundry. I don’t know.

I just

Published July 7, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Lots and lots of nightmares. Not sure what that’s all about. I had a while with no nightmares at all. That was great. Everything else is going well.

Today was the first time in a week that I’ve experienced some high anxiety and irritability. I’m sleeping tons…too much. I’m literally sleeping over half the day away. I thought I was just tired from traveling, but I’ve been sleeping and still exhausted for four days now. I don’t think I’m depressed. On the contrary, I’m loving being with my bestie…but even then, I guess I’m still pretty irritable. All else is good though.

That’s nice to say. 🙂

Published July 1, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Today was weird. Good, but weird. I’m already feeling super isolated in my new place. Maybe it’s because everything is so unfamiliar- the neighborhood, the neighbors, the smells and sounds. It’s also so small and cave-like that I think it’s making me feel like I’m hiding under a rock or something.

My emotions have been all over the place. Fear struck me quite a few times today. It started early in the morning when I woke from a pretty bad nightmare.

Loneliness, shame, even being unworthy of friendships…all that has run through me all throughout the day.

But I’m proud of myself for not freaking out. Today was the last day in our apartment and I spent time there cleaning things up. My roommate messaged me that she wouldn’t be by to finish getting the last few little things of hers (she didn’t want the stuff), she wouldn’t be cleaning, and…she wouldn’t be returning the keys and her parking pass!!! What?! I told her I’d gladly clean for her, but she HAS to return the keys! Her car died and she insisted she’d rather spend the day car shopping with her boyfriend.

I’m proud of myself because instead of freaking out, I went to God about it and asked him to take care of it. (I really asked him to make her come bring the keys.) I felt almost instantly at peace about the situation. I decided if we get charged extra, then whatever. And if she doesn’t want to pay it, then fine- we’ll split it.

A few hours into my cleaning, guess who shows up? Her boyfriend. Thank God he’s the voice of reason and got her to come over and return the keys and throw out her own stuff. Man… I was relieved to see them. I still cleaned her part, but I don’t care. So God did take care of things- God did make her return the keys. Answered prayer.

I just need to try to not let my negative emotions overwhelm me or my thinking. Once my emotions get so strong, my thoughts go downhill quickly.

I was reading about a guy on the TV show, Million Dollar Listing. He wrote how he was depressed and wanting to commit suicide, but surrounded himself with supportive friends and family. I saw on the show how he suddenly and quite impulsively moved to Paris. A few months later, they showed other people from the show visiting him there. He admitted to them that he loved Paris, but still wasn’t happy. A few months later, he moved back and then became suicidal. Everything this guy wrote resonated with me. Every emotion and thought.

You have to wonder sometimes if it’s worth it to keep trying, if it’s worth it to keep chugging along even when you’re depressed and anxiety ridden.

And then I reflected on his ending words- how he was surrounding himself with supportive friends and family.

Oph.

I wish I could do that. I wonder how different things could be if I had close friends near me. If I had a family. It’s just not possible. So I have to wonder sometimes…

Published June 30, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Late last night I wrote a post on shame. I’m not sure what suddenly came over me…it’s almost like I was reminded of all the shame I carry. Anyway, I decided to save it as a draft and finish writing it later so I never published it.

And today, I was filled with nothing but gratitude. This whole week, actually…I’ve been finding myself telling God over and over and over again, thank you for this or thank you for that. It’s like God has had my back every minute this last week. I am absolutely grateful.