Published February 19, 2018 by Chloe Madison

World So Cold

Mudvayne

When passion’s lost and all the trust is gone,

Way too far, for way too long

Children crying, cast out and neglected,

Only in a world so cold, only in a world this cold

Hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes,

Then watch them drift away

Some might say, we’ve done the wrong things,

For way too long, for way too long

Fever inside the storm,

So I’m turning away,

Away from the name

(calling your names)

Away from the stones

(throw sticks and stones)

‘Cause I’m through mending the wounds of us

Keep your thorns

‘Cause I’m running away,

Away from the games

(f***ing head games)

Away from the space

(hate this head space)

The circumstances of a world so cold

Burning whispers, remind me of the days,

I was left alone, in a world this cold

Guilty of the same things, provoked by the cause,

I’ve left alone, in a world so cold

Fever inside the storm,

So I’m turning away,

Away from the name

(calling your names)

Away from the stones

(throw sticks and stones)

‘Cause I’m through mending the wounds of us

Keep your thorns,

‘Cause I’m running away,

Away from the games

(f***ing head games)

Away from the space

(hate this head space)

The circumstances of a world so cold

I’m flying, I’m flying away,

Away from the names

(calling your names)

Away from the games

(f***ing head games)

The circumstances of a world so cold

Why does everyone feel like my enemy,

Don’t want any part of depression or darkness, I’ve had enough,

Sick and tired, bring the sun, or I’m gone, or I’m gone

I’m backing out, I’m no pawn,

No mother-f***ing slave to this,

Never lied

Never left

Never lived

Never loved

Never lost

Never hurt

Never worry about being me, or anyone else

Not a care, no concern, don’t give a sh*t about anything,

Backing out, giving up, no mother-f***ing slave to this,

Never lied

Never left

Never lived

Never loved

Never lost

Never hurt

Never worry about being me, or anyone else

Not a care, no concern, don’t give a sh*t about anything,

I need to find a darkened corner,

A lightless corner,

Where it’s safer and calmer,

I’m turning away,

Away from the name

(calling your names)

Away from the stones

(throw sticks and stones)

‘Cause I’m through mending the wounds of us

I’m running away,

Away from the games

(f***ing head games)

Away from the space

(hate this head space)

The circumstances of a world so cold

I’m flying, I’m flying away,

Away from the names

(calling your names)

Away from the games

(f***ing head games)

The circumstances of a world so cold

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Published February 13, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Please guard and protect your children.

And your wives

With everything you have in you

protect those God has put in your care.

Please, please.

Published February 11, 2018 by Chloe Madison

There is so much wrong with me- physically, emotionally, psychologically. I am so confused. I feel like I don’t know what’s going on around me. I don’t know how I function at work. As a matter of fact, I’ve been terribly ineffective and unproductive at work. I’d like to blame depression and being preoccupied with suicide, but it’s my fault no matter which way you look at it.

Today’s sermon was so full of stuff. I cried during it. A few times. I zoned out a few times, but I think I heard most of it- which is a miracle. I feel like most everything said was specifically for me. One of the things my pastor talked about was persistence vs. perfection. How we need to press on in spite of everything. I’m so horrible at that. It’s part of why I feel God has given up on me. Because I gave up on me. I’m not persisting anymore in anything, including my faith. I also feel so strongly that God is disappointed in me because I’m not good enough. I know I carry that from my own parents. I constantly tried so hard over and over to win the affection of my parents with good grades. Even as an adult, when I won 3 awards in police academy, I gave them to my mom and told her I did it for her. I just wanted her approval. She gave the awards back to me. She didn’t want them. That was 4 years ago. I know God is disappointed in me because I’ve been so terrible lately. I’ve been so self-centered, angry, pissy, impatient…and I’ve wanted to give up the life He has given me. I’ve wanted to quit and run away from it all. There’s no way God is pleased with that. I think that’s why He’s not pursuing me anymore. That was part of this morning’s sermon too. But that’s definitely something I have not felt from God in months. I can even draw the line- my hospitalization or right before it. That’s when I last felt loved and pursued by God. Could it be that once I was hospitalized that He no longer wants anything to do with me either?? It honestly wouldn’t surprise me. I feel branded- like a homeless person- the stigma of having been hospitalized bleeds through to every aspect of my life. So many people have rejected me because of that. I fear so many more will do so if they ever find out.

This is a song we sang in church today. Ok, everyone else sang. I listened and felt. I like this song a lot. It speaks volumes to me. But it’s not entirely true. God, I wish it was. The idea of God chasing us down- every word of the bridge to this song…I wish it were true. But God has given up on me. Everyone has. Including myself. I don’t blame anyone. How can I? I’ve given up too. Hell, I was the first one to give up. I’m so thankful for those in the very near past who helped me feel God’s love. But it’s not there anymore.

Verse 1

Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me

You have been so, so good to me

Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me

You have been so, so kind to me

Chorus

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights ‘til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, still You give Yourself away

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Verse 2

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me

You have been so, so good to me

When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me

You have been so, so kind to me

Bridge

There’s no shadow You won’t light up

Mountain You won’t climb up

Coming after me

There’s no wall You won’t kick down

Lie You won’t tear down

Coming after me

Will God chase after me? Not anymore. He’s done with me.

I’ve had such messed up dreams lately. I spent the entire weekend in a sleepy fog. I took a bunch of different kinds of sleeping pills. Some make you fall asleep, others keep you asleep. I need those last ones so badly, but I don’t dare take them during the week. I’d never wake up on time and I can’t afford to jeopardize my job by being late. I love taking those on the weekends though. It makes the weekends entirely unproductive, but it helps to pass the time without me doing something even more reckless or destructive.

Most of my dreams are of finding murdered bodies and then being wary of everyone else in the dream, not knowing if they’re the killer or not. That makes sense as I don’t trust anyone. I had one semi-normal dream- the first time I ever dreamed of my 911 friend. He was doing a sermon in my church, but in weird dream-like fashion, it was bizarre. It was more like game time for youth group kids or something. We didn’t talk in my dream…I just sank down in my seat and hid among the crowd, just like I do in church. After that, he disappeared and church did too and everything turned into a weird classroom where I was one of very few students in a large, empty room that didn’t seem to have a ceiling. We kept moving our desks out of the sunlight coming in through the giant windows because it was blinding. Then, everything turned into a dark, nighttime environment- almost like a post-apocalyptic scene. In that scene, I was searching for treasure under a rotten, old trailer. Then, there was the part of the dream where I was explaining spectroscopy to someone and it’s uses in astronomy and the study of the composition of distant objects in space. I woke up missing studying astronomy. 😂 It’s absolutely fascinating. Anyway, I slept and dreamed away the entire weekend. Mission accomplished.

I was so, so angry on Friday. One of the young people I work with shared her story of being sexually abused with others. I’ve mentioned her before and she had privately shared her story with me, but she went into greater detail this time. I think I couldn’t handle it and maybe that’s why I was in such a foul mood that day. God, I could easily have ***** ****** that day. She had been molested from age 6-12. Age SIX THROUGH TWELVE. What in the actual ****?! Her uncle did it whenever he came over. She said every birthday, every Christmas, every holiday that her family would have him over- he molested her. She talked about the first time it happened in a shed outside their trailer. That’s why I hate sheds- those are some of the most heinous, evil places. I flashed back right then as she spoke. I swear, if I ever met her uncle face to face, I’d wind up in jail. I honestly don’t think I could control my rage against him. What kind of a “man” takes advantage of a little girl? What kind of person hurts those who can’t defend themselves?? It just brings such hate in my heart for people like that. I know God isn’t pleased with that, but this is where I’m at. I think of ways to deal with this- like clinging to the idea of the very few men I know who are good people… but I doubt even them sometimes. Even when I do have faith in them, it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. This is why I want to leave this God forsaken world…because God really has forsaken us.

Published February 9, 2018 by Chloe Madison

When the levee breaks…

For a second there, I thought I could be getting better. But today was horrible. I don’t even know why or what happened to make it so bad. I’m just so angry and irritable and pissy. Everything enraged me today. Everyone annoyed me. And I know it’s not anyone’s fault. I know it’s me who has the problem. I’m so stressed and I don’t even know why.

I think I’ll just be eternally f****d up. There’s nothing I can do to fix it.

I don’t see the point in anything. I don’t see the point of trying. Even what excited me yesterday is worth nothing and is pointless today. It’s all for nothing. Me trying to keep my brain occupied? Dumb idea. It made me happy and normal for a whole two days.

I’m such a sh*tty person. I’m terrible at my job. I don’t do anything right. I’ve had decades in this life to try to get things right. No wonder God’s not helping me anymore. He’s given up on me. I would too.

Kid fears taking over again. You’re unlovable. People only use you. Men use you for sex and then throw you away, demand sex again, throw you away, demand again, throw you away again. It happens over and over and over. Grown men do this to little girls. What the f**k kind of world do we live in?? I’m sick of this. It’s not right. It will NEVER be right. I was used for sex for years by my disgusting neighbor, Rene. He’s a horrible, perverted, selfish, sorry excuse for a human being. My dad…he’s been called a monster. What am I supposed to do with this? How can I reconcile grown men using little girls for sex? How can I .

I can’t stop crying.

I tried having faith in humanity, in people. I thought if I found some men who were actually good…some good, Christian men who weren’t bad people…I thought I could look at them and convince myself that not everyone is bad. Not everyone wants to use you. Not everyone will throw you away. But that’s a lie. Everyone DOES use you. Everyone DOES throw you away. There are no good people. I’m not even a good person. No one is. Humanity blows. God hates us. There’s no hope and no future. Hope is a bullshit lie that doesn’t exist. End of story.

Published February 9, 2018 by Chloe Madison

This week has been interesting so far. I’ve been doing unusually well and sleeping unusually less. Sunday night and last night were sleepless nights. Sunday was a pretty ok day though. Monday…well, that’s another story. On the good side, I was grateful to be able to rest some, but I had a borderline, semi-, almost crisis happening. Let’s suffice it to say that my living situation suddenly became precarious. That, in itself, is unsettling. I had quite a bit of support from my 911 friend and another friend that I texted. After two days, the situation was resolved. I just hope it doesn’t happen again. I can’t remember Tuesday. My mind is muddled about that. Wednesday was great. I have no idea why. I took it easy at work and made some decisions and took some steps after work that made me happy. I decided to go ahead and study a subject I used to be familiar with. It will be difficult to study it on my own, but I’m giddy as can be at the moment. We’ll see how long the novelty will last. The other decision I made was regarding ballet. I can’t afford to breathe right now, so I obviously can’t afford classes. I’m not sure I would have the energy for even 1 or 2 classes a week anyway. But what I decided I could do is stretch. I know that may sound silly, but I’ve been spending about an hour a night before bed just stretching. It hurts, but it’s relaxing. I can study, watch TV, play games…all while stretching. Truthfully, I know I’ll never be a ballet dancer, but this is what I want to be able to do some day:

And as much as I’d love to be able to be all girly and take ballet classes, that’s not feasible with my budget. But mindfully, pursuing some goals or interests is making me kind of happy. It’s giving me something to look forward to and a tiny zest for life. That’s a good thing.

Last night when I couldn’t sleep, I decided to thank God over and over and over again for what He’s given me and what He’s done for me. I thanked Him for recent financial help, for the support of my few friends, for my dog, for a place to live and a job where I hope I can make a difference. It seemed like I couldn’t thank Him enough.

I didn’t know what else to say to Him. I’ve prayed for a few friends. But I’ve stopped praying for myself. I feel like He won’t answer prayers concerning me. It just seems that God will do what He wants to do, what He already has planned to do, and no amount of prayer would change God’s mind. I’m not sure if I’m being clear about that. I feel uneasy praying. I feel like God wouldn’t answer prayer unless I’m in His good graces. I know that undermines the very meaning of mercy and grace. But I strongly feel that way. It’s kind of a new feeling…but I feel like I’ve disappointed God so much lately. I’ve been so, so self-absorbed in my depression. I got locked up, my life has fallen apart, I’ve chased away friends. Sometimes I don’t even think I’m a good dog mom. I think God is refusing to give me children and a family. <—-And that…I don’t know how to reconcile that with a loving God. So, I feel that God is mad at me.

Part of this is because I don’t know how to think of Him as a loving God because of all the terribly traumatic things that have happened…not only in this world to others, but to myself as well. I guess He might be angry at me for holding that against Him. I’m not sure. I honestly don’t know what to think and so I’m staying away.

I don’t know how church will go this Sunday. I hate going there and feeling so disconnected from everyone and feeling such anger surge up inexplicably inside.

……