Published May 22, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Oh Lord. The one time I’m not going to see my therapist for 2 weeks…..

I found a place to move to and was all excited…only to find tonight that it all might fall through. I’m not gonna lie…I was actually excited for the future for once. It was pretty small (only 600 sq ft), nothing special, and was going to cost an arm and a leg- but it was SAFE. I think it’s in a good neighborhood and it seemed to be a pretty safe place for me to walk my dog alone at night.

That’s not the worst of it. I’m fighting a migraine right now. A young teenage girl reported a rape to me today. She was scared to go to school. I had to go to a park to find her and bring her to school. It happened over the weekend and she hadn’t told her family yet. We reported it to police and tonight she should be telling her parents. She begged me not to tell her brother because she thinks he’ll get violent with the guy. Going through the details repeatedly with her was heart breaking. Absolutely gut wrenching. I just wanted to leave work and jump off a cliff. I’m so sick and tired of people hurting vulnerable children. It makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t describe it any other way.

She seemed incredibly calm and collected…but the fact that she was even scared to go to school speaks volumes to me.

I don’t know what to do for her. I try to think of what I would have wanted someone to do for me. I would have wanted a big strong person to put their arms around me and hold me. That’s it. Maybe tell me it’s going to be ok- even when it’s not. I’m not a big strong person- but I can put my arms around her and hug her. I can offer to always be there any time she needs to talk. I can find her counseling… I don’t know what else to do. I’m at a loss.

I had one girl ask me one time if it ever gets better…if she’ll ever be normal. I lied to her to give her hope for living. I didn’t want to crush her. I might have to lie again to this girl too. I don’t know. I can’t handle this. 😓😓😓😓

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Published May 12, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Why can’t people just understand that all this is too much for me to handle? Why can’t people understand that? I just want to deal with things in my own way. It shouldn’t matter what that is. I didn’t ask for this- yet I’m interminably punished for it.

I can barely explain myself. But I need people to be more understanding.

Peace. I just want peace.

Published May 11, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Oph. I have serious trust issues. I know that must be obvious….but dang, it’s ridiculous. The good news is that I slept well for 3 nights straight. It was awesome. I had a never-ending nightmare last Friday night about being taken hostage for days. That was the last nightmare I’ve had since then. And then the 3 nights following that dream, I slept well- dreamt, but nothing scary or bad. Then, the insomnia started again…but not from nightmares this time. Maybe it’s just from anxiety? I don’t know. One night, I kept falling back asleep, but woke up about 40 times. I kid you not. It was ridiculously bad. But hey, I kept falling asleep though- so that’s good. The other nights recently…I’ve just been awake for hours for no reason. I got up last night around 1am to walk my dog since I couldn’t sleep. I found this on my door:

And that’s when I realize how paranoid and untrustworthy I am. This note scares the sh*t out of me.

I simply can’t trust.

I see it occur over and over again in my life and I don’t know what to do about it. And then I get shocked when people, like my former friends here, choose to abandon me while I’m in the hospital. They just confirm everything negative for me. I totally thought I could trust them! And I did! And then that happened. It takes me so long to feel ok and comfortable with people.

I’ll never forget what an ass I felt like- when I first met my 911 friend. He was too nice…I was so suspicious of him simply because of his friendliness. Even though I mostly trust him now, I don’t think I’ll ever tell him that. He’s one of the kindest souls to walk this planet and I would never want him to stop being nice to people. This world needs so much of that. This world needs more people who care.

But I digress. I don’t know how to take this note. I actually thought it was from another neighbor and almost didn’t finish reading it. Then, I saw the apartment number and realized it was from a different person than I originally thought. Maybe it was finding the note at 1am when I was groggy. I don’t know why it weirds me out so much. It shouldn’t. Right?

I really don’t know. And then, there’s an issue with another friend of mine- one whom I haven’t seen in years and years. He helped pay my hospital bills and has been nothing but nice to me since reconnecting. Months ago, he told me about marital issues he was having and that they were in counseling. But yesterday, he opened up about everything. It goes so much deeper than I ever thought. They’re a Christian couple, but his wife wants an open marriage. I’m dumbfounded. I just don’t get that. Neither does he and he’s reeling with hurt and confusion and resentment. His wife has already become very emotionally attached to 2 other people- one a man, the other a woman. They’ve admitted “feelings” for each other, but decided not to get physical- to just stay friends. But clearly, my friend is hurt by this. Apparently, he hasn’t been the best at communicating over the years. He says he grew up with the idea that men shouldn’t be vulnerable and shouldn’t show feelings. So to a woman, that would appear as uncaring, stoic, aloof. I get it. She feels emotionally neglected and I get that too. I see that quite a bit in marriages- simply as an outside observer.

Anyway, we talked for an hour this evening. I think I was able to give him some good insight from a woman’s point of view. I hope it helps them heal. But my heart hurts so badly for him. I’ve been cheated on twice now. And I can’t imagine the pain he’s going through. He’s not willing to give up on his marriage so he doesn’t want a divorce. That’s good…but I worry with this new “open marriage” concept, even though it’s not supposed to be physical, that it’s only going to complicate things and cause greater hurt and resentment. I just don’t see that ending well. I feel so terrible for him. My heart is very heavy about that. I want to support him in any way I can- even though it’s from across the country. I’m just worried they won’t get through this. I really hope they do though.

It’s odd….I’m struggling so much with God right now. I’m sure he’s angry with me for being mad at him and for pulling away and for not having faith that he will heal me. But that’s just me being brutally honest. Those are only some of my struggles. And my friend with the newly open marriage, was asking my advice on that. My first question was what their relationship with God was like? He said there wasn’t much of one- that they had been burned out in ministry and pulled away from the “Christian culture.” I suggested he get right with God first. And of course, I see the irony in that- I need to get myself right with God. I told him that- I’m struggling with God too- it’s ok. Isn’t it? I don’t want him to give up on God. Look what happens when you do- you die. You die internally. You die spiritually. And in my case, you can die physically. I just think that if their marriage has any hope (<— there’s that evil word again) of healing, that it will come from God.

It was so strange to be giving advice on the Christian walk when I suck so hard at it. I know no one gets it perfect. But I don’t feel I’m in any position at all for that. I can help and support as a friend- that’s for sure. And I will gladly do that.

__________

I’m quite anxiety ridden about where I will live. I have no clue where I’m moving to and time is ticking away. I’m kinda terrified. I think that’s part of what keeps me awake- my mind races and races. The nightmares don’t help- but I’m so grateful I haven’t had them for a whole week now.

Published May 9, 2018 by Chloe Madison

This screenshot is from the movie, “Speak.” That’s the guy who raped her leaning over her. She didn’t tell anyone about the rape- hence the name, “Speak” as she tries to find her voice.

This is how I feel every time I’m near where he lives. It makes me want to throw up. I wish he wasn’t here.

Published May 4, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Please forgive me for selfishly rambling. I use this blog to process and to vent. I took a walk today and was trying to figure out why I’m having so many nightmares. I kept returning to what my therapist said about not giving my brain enough time to process things while I’m awake. So I’m trying to do that by writing things out. It just makes me feel so self-centered. But honestly, at this point, I HAVE to get this taken care of and get it under control. I have to get myself better. No one can do it for me.

I am SO, SO, SO exhausted. Can you go insane from sleep deprivation? Because I feel like I’m there. My eyes are burning and my head feels numb and tingly. I do NOT want to sleep with these creepy dreams. Truthfully, they’re not the worst nightmares I’ve had. A while ago I had ones where I woke up crying, drenched in sweat, and shaking. These aren’t like that and I’m thankful for that. But these have been relentless. Absolutely inescapable.

They give me such a disturbing and unpleasant feeling. I despise it. I feel gross. Used. Disgusting. I hate that my brain goes where it does. I wondered about that too while I was walking today. I know my brain is simply replaying what I’ve experienced over and over with different players. I just am unsettled with the fact that my brain goes there. That’s not me…at least….it’s not what I want to define me. I’m nice and gentle and caring and encouraging- why can’t my mind dream about soft pink fluffy roses or something? 😏 Why does it have to be violence and disgusting acts? I can’t stand it.

Anyway, I thank you all for your encouragement, kind words, and prayers. Truthfully. I really appreciate it.

Published May 3, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I slept for about 3 hours and I’ve been awake now for about 2 hours. I think it’s safer to stay awake to avoid the dreams.

I had the same dream over and over again- but with different people. Tonight’s nightmares are particularly violent, but not a sexual violence… which is the only good thing about these dreams. It still makes me feel so uncomfortable and scared. I dreamed I was being choked- held up against the wall without being able to touch the ground and choked. Every time, the man was furious with me. Several times the person choking me changed.

The first time I was choked in real life was when I was about 7 or 8 years old. It was the guy who repeatedly raped me, starting when I was 9 years old. He showed his violent nature first. I remember how my best friend’s mom saw him choking me once- it happened in her front yard- and she called the police and my mom. I can’t remember how that ended. All I remember was crying hysterically afterward and trying to swat at him as he choked me. But I wasn’t able to reach him because he was so much bigger than I was.

One of the last times I was choked in real life…Oph. It gives me such a creepy feeling. Everything about that was wrong. He choked me multiple times in a period of a few hours. I think I had seizures because when I’d wake up, sometimes he was laughing at me and mocking me convulsing.

I was an adult when this happened….

and I just realized I seriously don’t want to talk about it. I remember when I was driving across the country last summer, I was overcome with memories of that event- to the point that I pulled into a rest stop in the state of NY and wrote out that event here on this blog. I remember crying so, so much as I recounted it. I just wanted to die. The things I have endured are so shameful to me. So embarrassing. So much is wrong with me. And this world.

Thank God- that as an adult- I stayed away from that guy permanently after that. I broke things off with him immediately and forcefully, hoping he wouldn’t keep trying to come around. He didn’t. Thank God. I never saw him again. But just the thought of him creeps me out so badly…

And then this guy who lives here now… he showed violent tendencies first too. He also showed anger and jealousy before anything terribly bad went down. He broke my septum. I’ll never forget that. I was stunned and stayed away from him like the plague after that. But that didn’t stop what occurred.

😓 I think I need to stop writing now. My mind just keeps going darker and darker and remembering more things that I really don’t want to remember.

My life has been so f****d up. Like seriously…I think sometimes at how ridiculously bad things have gone. I know some people have it way worse than I do. I despise that.

Why are people so violent? What makes a man think they can hurt a child or a woman? What makes people think it’s ok to treat others so terribly? I’m hit with the memory of my first therapist and a book she had me read. It said how people who were victims multiple times or of multiple offenders had excessive guilt about what occurred. I always thought it was somehow my fault. Like why would I be sexually abused/ raped by multiple people? But that book – and my therapist- explained that victims have an invisible sign stamped on their forehead. It’s invisible to everyone in the world- EXCEPT offenders. To them, it glows in neon. They can see us as easy prey. Somehow, they can scan a room full of people and those who have been victimized before simply stick out to them. They know we’re easy to hurt because we’ve been hurt before. I still don’t fully understand that concept- but I read another study that was conducted with inmates where they said something very similar. They could just pick out easy prey.

I hate that I’m scared of and can’t trust most people- men and women. I hate that I’m scared of just about every man out there. There are so few men who I know deep down are good and trustworthy people. When I’m in public, I think I do a great job of acting kind of normal. But I always wonder- is there an offender nearby somewhere who can spot me like a wounded gazelle? That’s why I carried. I feel so vulnerable and weak without it.

I don’t want to think about that anymore.

At this point, I guess I’m just rambling. This is what pours constantly through my brain. I hate these thoughts, these memories, these feelings, and these ***** nightmares! I hate this- it’s not living.