Published April 22, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Had a little melt down today. 😦

A friend had asked me to go to a get together at her house which is nearly two hours away. I didn’t feel up to it and had decided I wasn’t going to go- I just wanted to stay in bed all day and try to decompress.

This work thing has been mounting for two weeks now and I’m incredibly stressed over it. But my friend kept bugging me to come so I called her to tell her that I simply didn’t feel up for mingling and chit chatting with people I didn’t know. And in seconds of beginning to tell her what was stressing me out so much at work, I broke down crying. Hard. Like, crying super hard- I couldn’t even breathe right. I felt so terrible dumping on her. But she convinced me that staying home alone when I was upset wasn’t the best decision to make.

So I drove all the way down there and truthfully, beer is the only thing that made me slightly social. Her husband and I got deep for a moment after a few beers. They were the ones who drove two hours to visit me in the hospital and he came in his wheelchair. He told me how much he loved me and that if it were anyone else who was in the hospital, he wouldn’t have come! Haha! But he stressed over and over how much they love me and that’s why they came and that they want me to be happy. I thanked him repeatedly for coming and told him how much it means to me- because it really does mean a lot. When you know you don’t matter in this world and someone tells you that you do- it at least gives you pause to stop and think you might be wrong…even if only for a second.

I cherish their friendship and am so thankful they were there for me in my weakest moments. I wish we lived closer so I could see them more often. But I’m still glad I have them.

I’m going to try to have a better day tomorrow. Please pray for my work situation- I’m terrified of losing my job or even having my boss think less of me. I pray that neither will happen.

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Published April 20, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I keep screwing up. Over and over and over. There is not a damn thing in this world that I do right. That’s just being honest. I’m in trouble at work for a screw up and I’m panicking big time. If I lose my job, I’ll be homeless in less than a month.

I’ve already been stressing out big time about where I’m going to move to. I looked into buying, renting different apartments, renting a room or basement…everything. I’ve even tried to think out of the box- temporarily living in a yurt or RV or something that would be cheaper… I’m stressed to the max with no where to go.

And now this. My job is the ONLY thing in life that makes me feel worth even an iota of something. I thought God was using me there. I was sure of it. Maybe I’m wrong. If I lose this job, not only does it take me down the drain financially, but I’ll have nothing left to live for. I know that might sound ridiculous or extreme, but it’s true. I will say, that I think back to this time last year and I’m in a better, healthier place now. But I’m scared to go back down a dark road.

I’ve had headaches nearly all day every day this week. I eat and eat and eat until I feel sick. I do nothing but work and sleep and stress over where to move to.

But if I lose my job, I have absolutely nothing. I have no one to back me up, to cover for me, to help.

I feel so terrible about my mistake at work and am shocked it’s being taken this far. I don’t even quite know how to respond. All I can ask for is prayer- for this to turn out ok. That’s all I have to cling to.

I feel like shit. I’m here crying, sick to my stomach, head bursting open with pain…. I don’t know what to do.

I wonder if it’s because I can’t function correctly because of PTSD or anxiety or depression….I hesitate to blame my mistakes on that. But I have screwed up more his year at work than any other year. So I do see a strong correlation. But that doesn’t excuse it and it doesn’t make anything better.

Please, please pray that everything will be ok. I can’t take this stress. I can’t.

Published April 17, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Yesterday’s EMDR session sucked hard. It went dark really fast. I absolutely hate this. I don’t even want to revisit it so I won’t make corrections below on the notes I scribbled out. I’m trying to ignore the demonic pressure but it’s nearly impossible. I hate this. I feel like there’s no escape. No way out.

EMDR

in the hospital room again, stuck and miserable: shame fills me and burns in my chest

demon heads are everywhere.

Swirling red vortex/ whirlpool sucking me down through the floor and black above – I’m reaching up into nothing. No matter where I go- up or down, it’s bad.

Get out / escape through a back stairwell and down through the sewer- come up out of the manhole cover to blue sky, but the red and black storm is coming and slams the iron lid down. I keep moving down the sewer and come to another sewer manhole cover and open it. Again I see blue sky, but the storm is there and I can’t get out up to the street level. I realize that either the storm is actually chasing me or it’s a huge coincidence that it’s keeping me down in the sewer.

Keep going- I try to control things and break out of the black nasty sewer tunnel. The tunnel splits on the bottom and a white marshmellowy substance appears. I dive into it to escape the sewer tunnel and the black and red swirling winds. But I get stuck. I can’t move through the white substance. And as I’m floundering there, the winds suck me back up- out of the whiteness and back into the dark dirty sewer tunnel.

the winds move down into the drain and chase me back into the hospital. I’m Not happy. I think no, no, no, no, no. I don’t want to be there. The hospital becomes more real- less ethereal (?) I stomp on the floor even- realizing its concrete and I’m stuck in the hospital again. I see demon faces everywhere I look- on all the patient’s faces and down on the homeless people below. They’re laughing at me because I’m stuck there in the hospital. It shows me that no matter if I’m in the hospital or outside, I can’t escape. It’s like the walls of the hospital- even though they seem like a concrete cell- it doesn’t matter- because I’m trapped whether I’m in the hospital or out.

– again, I feel like there’s no escape. I’ve said it before- people like me don’t make it out alive. It’s just not meant to be. We were never meant to be

Published April 14, 2018 by Chloe Madison

First time I’ve ever learned a lesson from a dream. Of course, I dreamed of my ex-fiancée last night.

Mike K was in my dream. He’s my former pastor, who never liked him- he can see people for who they really are.

We lived in a large house and lots of people in and out every day. Sometimes people stayed over.

I can’t quite remember… Jon’s wife left, (who is his current wife in reality) maybe she divorced him (?) and I married him almost immediately. We had the same history in the dream that we had in real life. I remember looking down at my ring and then looking up, knowing he was cheating on me. Twice in the dream he went into a room and locked he door. He wouldn’t let me in. One time, I was already in the room and he made me leave and then stayed in there and locked the door.

He only had computers in there so I thought he was Skyping with a girl he was cheating with.

The dream was very unsettling, but it helps me know in real life that I absolutely don’t belong with him.

So I wonder why it hurts. I think it hurts still because I loved him so much- I was so, so in love. It doesn’t matter if his feelings toward me weren’t pure love (because he was abusive and cheated), MY feelings toward HIM were pure love. I loved him so much it blinded me to so many of his faults. I think what hit me hard last night was seeing videos of him. I had not heard his voice in years. It caught me off guard- it really did. 😦

I remember our first fight and the first time he got unreasonably angry with me. That should have been a red flag, but even though it bothered me, I disregarded it. I had time off from work and wanted to go see my mom who just moved out of state. I asked him if he could come with me, but he said he couldn’t take the time off from work. So I planned to go see my mom alone. That was it. He became enraged at the fact that I would go on a trip without him. I saw nothing wrong with driving to the state next door to see my mom. He did. He flew off the handle about it and yelled and screamed. That was the first sign that I should have seen.

Anyway, in my dream, I wasn’t truly happy. I DID feel security- secure from being in a relationship, being married, having a house to live in, having another person to go through life with, and having a husband to make a home with. But in the dream, deep down, I knew it wouldn’t last, I knew he was cheating and was controlling. He wasn’t abusive in the dream.

I have such a terrible headache. I’ve taken 3 migraine pills already.

I have a brand new search area. I wanted to go check it out this weekend, but with the weather, I decided not to. My search location is supposed to be 18 degrees today and super windy. That’ll make it downright icy for hiking around. However….with my current state of mind, I decided I couldn’t/ shouldn’t sit at home. I know I’d go downhill really fast. So I’m driving to my search area now. We just had snow so I might not be able to access the area. So I figured I could use this drive as a recon mission- just to get the lay of the land and see what I’ll be in for when I come back to search in warmer weather.

I’m trying so hard to be positive. I keep trying to focus on the good things in my life: my church and all the amazing people there, my apt (even though it will last only two more months), my awesome dog who keeps me company and lets me gently snuggle him, my friends who have supported me through this ongoing messy and difficult time, my job…

Maybe one day I can be happy again. Maybe not.

Published April 14, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Ugh…I feel sick to my stomach. I did something I should NEVER have done. 😞 It’s definitely all my fault.

My ex-fiancé’s Instagram account popped up, I guess because we have mutual friends (?). My mistake was in looking. I saw his wife’s account and it….Oph. It destroyed me. They’re traveling the world over and over and over- I mean, Israel, Germany, Dubai, Costa Rica, Mexico, Singapore, Vietnam, China, the Philippines, all over the U.S…. Oph. I think she must be super wealthy, but I have no clue.

What I did see is when he took her to the place where he proposed to me. Wow. And he took her to “our” special place- a different one. And they have a yellow Jeep (which we had as well). Wtf?? It’s like he recreated the life that we had with her. Except…they’re living it up- happy and traveling the world together.

Why? Why does God do this? I just don’t understand. He cheated on me, was abusive on multiple levels…and God rewards him by giving him a great wife and life? I don’t get it.

I do wish him happiness- I’d never wish him ill will in any way…it’s just difficult seeing his life go so smoothly and wonderfully while mine…well…

Look at the mess that is me. Look at what’s left of me. Nothing. Nothing, nothing. I don’t have a purpose in this life. I matter to no one. There’s no one out there who loves me, no one to care for and no one to care about me….no one to miss or come home to. And I take responsibility for that to an extent…I know that what I’m dealing with psychologically isn’t easy…it’s not meant for others to carry your burden… and no one wants a broken, torn and tattered, empty basket. If you even try to pick it up by the shredded handle, the handle will come right off…and it’ll drop…and splinter as it falls to the floor. There’s just nothing left.

Published April 14, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Oh my God. I don’t understand this. The future is so dark. I’ve been trying to think so positively and it’s just not

I’m so thankful for my apartment now- it’s the nicest and biggest one I’ve ever lived in. I’m slowly packing and don’t know where I’m going. It’s frightening and makes everything more unstable than it already is.

I’ve been kind of happy lately (at times). I’m so thankful for that. I’m so thankful for everyone who has helped.

But I just don’t have much left in me. I don’t understand why things turn so dark so quickly. The only thing I can think is maybe it’s not “so dark so quickly”- maybe it’s that I’m so close to the darkness even though I try to pretend to myself that I’m not.

Published April 10, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I looked up EMDR symptoms- I was crushed to see so much of myself reflected there. It’s defeating. There are times where I really think I’m getting better. Then, there are times when I know I’m not.  😦   I found a website that listed symptoms I never saw before: self-destructive behavior, social isolation, emotional detachment, mistrust, loneliness. That describes me too perfectly. I always knew about the other obvious symptoms- nightmares, flashbacks, agitation, irritability, hyper-vigilance, fear, anxiety, unwanted thoughts or memories.

As I think about all of this, it makes me mad. It’s just too much. Too much for one person to handle. I kind of thought many of my symptoms were from depression too. But, maybe the PTSD is the primary cause. After all, the official primary diagnosis was PTSD with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety secondary to that.

 

I know myself. And I know that I don’t want to face this. I’ve been busying myself with trying to study and working on the hunt. I’ve also been trying to find a place to live.

My lease is up June 30th and I’m slowly and quietly growing more frantic about where I’m going to go. The problem is that I’m too far away from the date to go apartment hunting. It’s such a scary feeling not knowing where you will live and being all alone in the process. And here, where I live, it is ridiculously expensive. I just found a 1/1 condo for sale for over $200k. I found one for $175k, but it’s in a terrible neighborhood. Part of my issue is me- safety is paramount for me. I’m not above living in a bad neighborhood- but to do so alone, as a single female, and having to walk my little dog all the time makes me feel extraordinarily vulnerable- easy prey. This has been an issue for me for most of my life, but especially since the PTSD has kicked in again, I’m so much more sensitive to it. So, that leaves me with renting and I’m faced with the same problem- rent is too high. I feel pretty safe in my current apartment complex, but 1/1 apts are going for $1300. Geeeeez. I’ve been looking around at other apartment complexes that are a bit more affordable, but I quickly get scared when I see the kind of people hanging around. I’m trying to tell myself to just deal with it…but I don’t want to tax my stress level or emotions or psyche more than I need to. Why would I move to an unsafe area if it will make my PTSD or Anxiety worse? That’s counterproductive. On the other hand, if I’m going to be able to continue paying for therapy, then I need an affordable monthly payment. I don’t know what to do.

 

I had an EMDR session on Monday. It didn’t even go for a 1/2 hour. She wanted to focus in on something else- on why I **** ******. But I absolutely don’t want to talk about it. I feel like she caught me because she randomly asked about it…and I told her the truth. So that sparked her going down that path. We finally did EMDR for a little bit. It seemed to be good- TOO good. It left me in a haze, as usual. These last few days have been extremely hazy. I’m not sure how I even wound up at work. But, so far no new nightmares so that’s good.

I briefly wrote out notes about my EMDR session right after we finished so I wouldn’t forget. I didn’t even write in full sentences…my intention was to go back later and change everything into a much smoother flowing verbiage. But frankly, I just don’t feel like it. So, here it is below:

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In the hospital, shooting out of there at warp speed

Back on deck in AK knowing dream won’t come true because Albe is dead and Jon is gone.

Black hole develops behind me and I fall back into it. Falling plummeting through the center of the earth. I try to stop myself by scraping the walls with clawing fingers only to realize I’ve stopped falling and am floating.

Float uncontrollably in the black void- like outer space. I reach out and can’t grab anything because nothing is there.

Several outlines of trees appear and then disappear. Something is peeking out from behind the trees at me. When the trees reappear I go to see who is behind the tree and no one is there. But there’s a remnant of that person- in the form of a red blob. The red blob says “I was only trying to help you” and then disappears again. The trees are gone, blob is gone, everything.

I’m alone. I’ve been abandoned… and something else (can’t remember the other thoughts I had at this point). No one is here. I’m in the blackness again.

Then a cheesy green painted concrete floor rises slowly up out of nowhere. It looks ridiculous. A painted yellow circle develops in the green concrete floor. The yellow circle forms into an angular yellow being, which shoots up and pierces a hole into the darknesses way above. I can now see a pinpoint of sky through the hole that was pierced. I get sucked up into the yellow and it propels me through itself- super fast like when you’re sky diving and your hair is blown back and your mouth is flying open. I go from speeding upwards super fast to suddenly stopping and floating (like in the movie Contact)

I’m floating in a light blue sky. I wonder if I’ve passed earth and I look around and see nothing but blue with puffs of white. I look down and see the earth far below me. I wonder if I’m close to God, so I ask “God, are you there?” A darker cloud-like a light gray one- floats up under me. I think this might be God coming to hold me up- but instead a strong white hand reaches down and grabs my hand very tightly. It’s pulling me, like leading me- I look and can’t see beyond the white hand, so I examine the hand closely as its holding mine. It’s a weird mixture of being real and ghost like. It’s white and strong and slightly larger than a human’s hand should be. I ask, “God are you with me?” Hoping for confirmation that this is, in fact, God’s hand that I’m holding. I get no answer.

We stop

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