Published January 21, 2018 by Chloe Madison

“The Becoming”

Nine Inch Nails

I beat my machine

it’s a part of me

it’s inside of me

I’m stuck in this dream

it’s changing me

I am becoming…

The me that you know, he had some second thoughts

He’s covered with scabs and he is broken and sore

The me that you know, he doesn’t come around much

That part of me isn’t here anymore

All pain disappears

it’s the nature of, of my circuitry

Drowns out all I hear

there’s no escape from this -my new consciousness

That me that you know, he used to have feelings

But the blood has stopped pumping and he is left to decay

The me that you know is now made up of wires

Even when I’m right with you, I’m so far away

I can try to get away- but I’ve strapped myself in

I can try to scratch away the sound in my ears

I can see it killing away all of my bad parts

I don’t want to listen- but it’s all too clear, all…

Hiding backwards inside of me, I feel so unafraid

And hold a little tighter I might, might just, might slip away

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

Goddamn this noise inside my head

You have to just let it win.

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Published January 18, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Just like before I was hospitalized, I’ve decided it’s probably healthier for me to not return and reread my posts. It’s like a dog returning to it’s vomit. To me, this is poison and I want to get it out and leave it out. But because of that, I can’t quite remember what I said in my last post. What I do remember is being super angry at God and feeling like I wasn’t being fair to him. As if He needs me to be fair.

But I have been feeling guilt about it. I most definitely am still angry. But it’s only right that I also say what else I’m feeling about God. And that is thankfulness. There have been many things that I’ve spent YEARS praying for. And one of those things has changed for the better just this past month. I cannot get away without acknowledging that from God. I am grateful, even though it may sound like I’m not.

I know I have conflicting feelings toward God- anger and thankfulness don’t normally go together. But this is where I am and what I’m trying to work through. I am so grateful for seeing God work this past summer- not only in keeping me alive, but I saw Him work in other people’s lives too.

Since I was hospitalized though…I haven’t seen much from Him. I feel abandoned by Him. And by others including my friends who are no longer speaking to me. I don’t know why I can’t move past that. I’m stunned at their actions. Still.

Regardless, I’m grateful for seeing God work this past summer and for what He’s done this past month. As angry as I am, I felt I needed to be fair in acknowledging my gratitude.

I’m just a mess. A huge, complicated mess. My life has fallen apart SO MUCH MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE because of the hospitalization. I’m not sure I can ever move beyond that.

I can sit here and pretend it doesn’t bother me, pretend it doesn’t hurt me, pretend it hasn’t deeply affected and torn through my psyche, pretend it hasn’t irreparably damaged my soul….but that’s a lie.

Published January 18, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Have I mentioned how much I DESPISE this word?? It’s bullsh*t. All of this is bullsh*t.

I’m laying here trying to sleep and I have tears streaming down my face as I sit here thinking how much God DOESN’T F***ING CARE. It’s a lie to say he does. An absolute lie.

I get so angry thinking about this. Everything is so surreal right now. Nothing seems real.

Today was an ok day at work. I was stressed and super busy but that’s ok. I tried to remind myself to not be too busy to love on the kids God put before me.

But today…the very minute I left work, debilitating sadness overcame me. I could barely drive home. I couldn’t think straight. I just became so, so deeply sad. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and pull the covers up over my head…at 4pm. But I’m trying to be healthy. So I kept myself occupied by wandering around Home Depot, taking my dog on walks, and playing a stupid game. Nothing could erase my sadness.

It permeates my very being. And that leads me to rage. I have so much anger towards God. Maybe he’s the safe one to be mad at. Maybe I’m not brave enough to be mad at who really deserves it- my perpetrators. Half of them are dead and gone anyway.

I cannot wait for this. I see nothing in the future but blackness, like a vacuum of darkness swallowing everything alive. There’s no escape. Hell. I’m not even trying.

Published January 16, 2018 by Chloe Madison

And just like that- I’m weeping.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel so deeply sad. Unloved, unwanted, shunned, alone.

I don’t think it’s possible for me to recover from this. I don’t think it’s possible to have any sort of a future. With God, all things are possible. But, I think it’s obvious He doesn’t want this for me. I feel like a sh*tty Christian for not trusting God. But this is where I am.

I’m folding. And quite ungracefully at that.

Published January 16, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Today was actually a good day. It’s the rare days like these that make me question whether I’ve made the right decision or not.

First, I had the day off. (Yay!) As much as days off aren’t good for my head, I love being able to sleep in without worrying about waking up. That alone relieves stress. I took an extra sleeping pill and slept great. I woke up to snow falling outside my window. Snow is still pretty magical to me- I absolutely love snowfall, especially when I can enjoy the beauty of it from my warm bed.

I dreamed about owning a house all alone. It had many corridors and rooms and was oddly shaped. It was super old and was a fixer upper. In my dream, I worked hard on my house. It was such a weird house…but I enjoyed taking care of it. At one point, my parents came over and I introduced them to my new neighbor. My parentS! Even though my dad appears in almost every EMDR session, he’s never appeared in a dream. In my dream, my parents were together and alive. I couldn’t see my dad’s face though. But he was there. I can’t remember all of the dream, but I don’t recall my parents coming inside. I remember them outside on the front lawn.

Halfway through what seemed like a long dream, I noticed my house was on fire. It was gently smoldering in two different places. It was apparent these fires had been burning for years. (I know that doesn’t make sense.) I ran to the side of my house to get the garden hose. It’s then that I noticed my neighbor’s house was also on fire. I put his fire out first, then tended to my two fires. While trying to reach one of the fires up in the roof, I found a dusty stash of old coins. It was clear they belonged to the previous owner, who had passed away. There were stacks and stacks of old coins up in the attic near the smoldering flames.

That was it. I can’t remember much more.

I’d recently read an article about dreams and it said dreaming of a house is symbolic of dreaming of your body or of yourself. Old, dilapidated, weird, oddly shaped, a fixer upper? Yup, that’s me alright! 😊 Smoldering fires inside that won’t go out? Those could be my long-standing issues that never seem to fade. They just burn and destroy.

I was supposed to meet up with my small group at church, but I couldn’t go. For the last few days, my anxiety about that had been ramping up. In the end, I decided to not stress myself out and to just stay home. It would have been good to be with others and to have some fellowship…but my anxiety was just too much.

I thought a lot about Zack and Kyle today. The mantra going around is to “live like Zack.” I wholeheartedly agree with that. Zack was an amazing person. I’ve been hearing a lot lately about people who are “positive in the face of adversity.” One of my co-workers just passed away 2 days ago from stupid cancer. People are talking about how he was so positive in facing it. I see how I don’t measure up to Zack or to my co-worker. I think of many other people who faced adversity with a smile…I just don’t measure up. I’m not like them. I admire them…but as much as I try, I can’t be like them. It makes me feel like a failure. But…that’s where I shrug my shoulders and say this is *** * **** ** **** ******

Today was a good day though.

Published January 15, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I don’t know why God would leave me alone here. I don’t know why God would take away so many people- through death or suicide or distance or those who just plain surrendered our friendship. People always say God won’t give you more than you can handle. I’d wholeheartedly disagree.

I know I have my two best friends- both across the country- who love me and care about me. There are very few people who truly support me, in an emotional and/or spiritual way, and those people, my best friends included, are so far away.

I try to have faith in God. He’s given me so much. He’s intercepted my dark path repeatedly and provided me with people who care. But it seems like all that is gone. I am alone, like I always have been. I keep thinking if I just hold on to the last thread- if I don’t give in to the darkness- God will catch me. He’ll support me. I felt supported in the past. Now, I’m just sinking. It’s like a heavy bog…dense, dark, and thick. You can’t float in it and you can’t swim in it. Only God can save you from it. And He likes to be silent with me. He makes me think He’s far, far away, that He doesn’t truly care, that He’s got more important things to do. I know I’m nobody. I know that. I wouldn’t dare think otherwise. But why would God be there or answer you or intercede some times and at other times…in what seems your most desperate and darkest hours, He chooses to leave you? I don’t understand.