I looked up EMDR symptoms- I was crushed to see so much of myself reflected there. It’s defeating. There are times where I really think I’m getting better. Then, there are times when I know I’m not. 😦 I found a website that listed symptoms I never saw before: self-destructive behavior, social isolation, emotional detachment, mistrust, loneliness. That describes me too perfectly. I always knew about the other obvious symptoms- nightmares, flashbacks, agitation, irritability, hyper-vigilance, fear, anxiety, unwanted thoughts or memories.
As I think about all of this, it makes me mad. It’s just too much. Too much for one person to handle. I kind of thought many of my symptoms were from depression too. But, maybe the PTSD is the primary cause. After all, the official primary diagnosis was PTSD with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety secondary to that.
I know myself. And I know that I don’t want to face this. I’ve been busying myself with trying to study and working on the hunt. I’ve also been trying to find a place to live.
My lease is up June 30th and I’m slowly and quietly growing more frantic about where I’m going to go. The problem is that I’m too far away from the date to go apartment hunting. It’s such a scary feeling not knowing where you will live and being all alone in the process. And here, where I live, it is ridiculously expensive. I just found a 1/1 condo for sale for over $200k. I found one for $175k, but it’s in a terrible neighborhood. Part of my issue is me- safety is paramount for me. I’m not above living in a bad neighborhood- but to do so alone, as a single female, and having to walk my little dog all the time makes me feel extraordinarily vulnerable- easy prey. This has been an issue for me for most of my life, but especially since the PTSD has kicked in again, I’m so much more sensitive to it. So, that leaves me with renting and I’m faced with the same problem- rent is too high. I feel pretty safe in my current apartment complex, but 1/1 apts are going for $1300. Geeeeez. I’ve been looking around at other apartment complexes that are a bit more affordable, but I quickly get scared when I see the kind of people hanging around. I’m trying to tell myself to just deal with it…but I don’t want to tax my stress level or emotions or psyche more than I need to. Why would I move to an unsafe area if it will make my PTSD or Anxiety worse? That’s counterproductive. On the other hand, if I’m going to be able to continue paying for therapy, then I need an affordable monthly payment. I don’t know what to do.
I had an EMDR session on Monday. It didn’t even go for a 1/2 hour. She wanted to focus in on something else- on why I **** ******. But I absolutely don’t want to talk about it. I feel like she caught me because she randomly asked about it…and I told her the truth. So that sparked her going down that path. We finally did EMDR for a little bit. It seemed to be good- TOO good. It left me in a haze, as usual. These last few days have been extremely hazy. I’m not sure how I even wound up at work. But, so far no new nightmares so that’s good.
I briefly wrote out notes about my EMDR session right after we finished so I wouldn’t forget. I didn’t even write in full sentences…my intention was to go back later and change everything into a much smoother flowing verbiage. But frankly, I just don’t feel like it. So, here it is below:
In the hospital, shooting out of there at warp speed
Back on deck in AK knowing dream won’t come true because Albe is dead and Jon is gone.
Black hole develops behind me and I fall back into it. Falling plummeting through the center of the earth. I try to stop myself by scraping the walls with clawing fingers only to realize I’ve stopped falling and am floating.
Float uncontrollably in the black void- like outer space. I reach out and can’t grab anything because nothing is there.
Several outlines of trees appear and then disappear. Something is peeking out from behind the trees at me. When the trees reappear I go to see who is behind the tree and no one is there. But there’s a remnant of that person- in the form of a red blob. The red blob says “I was only trying to help you” and then disappears again. The trees are gone, blob is gone, everything.
I’m alone. I’ve been abandoned… and something else (can’t remember the other thoughts I had at this point). No one is here. I’m in the blackness again.
Then a cheesy green painted concrete floor rises slowly up out of nowhere. It looks ridiculous. A painted yellow circle develops in the green concrete floor. The yellow circle forms into an angular yellow being, which shoots up and pierces a hole into the darknesses way above. I can now see a pinpoint of sky through the hole that was pierced. I get sucked up into the yellow and it propels me through itself- super fast like when you’re sky diving and your hair is blown back and your mouth is flying open. I go from speeding upwards super fast to suddenly stopping and floating (like in the movie Contact)
I’m floating in a light blue sky. I wonder if I’ve passed earth and I look around and see nothing but blue with puffs of white. I look down and see the earth far below me. I wonder if I’m close to God, so I ask “God, are you there?” A darker cloud-like a light gray one- floats up under me. I think this might be God coming to hold me up- but instead a strong white hand reaches down and grabs my hand very tightly. It’s pulling me, like leading me- I look and can’t see beyond the white hand, so I examine the hand closely as its holding mine. It’s a weird mixture of being real and ghost like. It’s white and strong and slightly larger than a human’s hand should be. I ask, “God are you with me?” Hoping for confirmation that this is, in fact, God’s hand that I’m holding. I get no answer.