Chester Bennington

Published July 21, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I don’t want to speak much on Chester’s suicide with the exception of my thoughts on those condemning his actions. 

I’ve seen too much negativity online- everything from outright anger at him to people saying he was inconsiderate of his children and fans.

Before you speak or post, you need to stop and think what else there was that you may or may not know anything about. I’m particularly irritated and hurt by those who knew him, who knew he had issues he was dealing with like being sexually abused/ raped and they STILL chose to publicly condemn him. 

Depression is one thing. Add the component of being sexually abused and you’ve got a whole other animal you’re dealing with. 

People can’t understand unless they’ve been there- stop being so quick to judge when you have NO IDEA wtf you’re talking about. Try to have some compassion and understanding. I’m not saying suicide is the right way, but don’t be so quick to condemn those who go down that path, especially in a moment of despondency.

With sex abuse, there’s a whole other component that can change the core of your psychological being. I’m not saying God can’t overcome that or heal that- of course He can. But understand that it’s more than depression that’s being dealt with. And even if you have been sexually abused, it affects people differently, depending on a whole slew of factors- exactly what occurred, if the offender was known, if a support system was present, if there were multiple offenders or multiple occurrences…I could probably list 10-12 more items here that would affect how people process it differently. That doesn’t even matter. 

Just please treat everyone with respect. Have compassion for both the living and the dead. Help people, don’t hurt them. 

Published July 20, 2017 by Chloe Madison

My head is exploding with the biggest headache ever. It’s been a while since I’ve eaten and I just had a few glasses of wine. Just a few…and yet I feel so crazy and happy:

I’ve finally arrived and just saw my friend. The first thing she said was, “Have you lost weight??” I seriously don’t think it’s that noticeable- if at all. But I told her yes, it’s just from stress. That’s the line I’ve been using on everyone. I mean, it’s true. But right away she asked if it was about a guy. When I said no, she assumed I had a health issue. I joked, “yeah, a mental health issue!” She laughed but didn’t take me seriously…she kept digging in about my health and what was wrong with me. Seriously….I don’t look that bad, do I? 

I’m so disappointed in myself. I thought I had turned a new leaf. I can’t even count how many times I thought of ending everything today. Just thoughts… but still, I’m disappointed. 

I was at a rest stop in NY. There’s a walkway that goes over the interstate that people need to walk across to reach the restrooms and food. I was taken aback by the view of walking right across the interstate and seeing semi trucks whizz by right underneath. I thought how easy it would be to jump…the semi would never see it coming. No one would have a chance to stop, no one would even realize what they were running over. And then…

I saw the latches on the windows I was looking out of. Holy God! These windows open!! You really could very easily commit suicide here! You could easily open these windows and drop out- you’d be run over by 8-9 cars and semis before anyone even realized what happened. So tempting…

Then there were the times I was just nonchalantly driving along… and I came upon an overpass of some sort- I’d think, just veer off the road, fly off this curve, your car would disappear and aside from a broken highway barrier, there would be no sign that anything happened. I imagined hitting trees, submerging in water, tumbling down hillsides or disappearing into ravines. 

I can’t even keep my problems inside anymore. They just pour out of me- I feel like a raving lunatic- and just like a raving lunatic, I can’t stop myself. 

I hope no one goes through this, I hope no person ever has to feel this pain. This is not life. 

Published July 19, 2017 by Chloe Madison

On a very long drive today. Thinking about everything. Somehow, my thinking wound up reminding me of how much physical damage my body has been through- everything from playing dumb games as a kid to being assaulted, both as a child and an adult. 

I remember him choking me, I can see his ugly face looking down at me. I see him laughing but I can’t hear him right away. It’s like my hearing temporarily went away. It would slowly return…it sounded like a train coming at you in a tunnel…the noise would slowly grow louder and louder until it was defeaning and then normal sound would return. Then I could hear the TV in the background and his laugh. He’d say, “You should see yourself!! Haha!” and then he’d mimick me, shaking and convulsing and rolling his eyes back. I realized he was mimicking me having a seizure. Is that what this was doing to me? Making me seize?? 

And then he’d start choking me again and soon, I’d begin to feel tingly and numb. I wouldn’t remember anything until I heard the train again. 

Maybe three times? Maybe four. I can’t clearly remember how many times I went out and came back. 

Afterward, I remember having a sore throat for days and finding a small area of burst blood vessels in one of my eyes. There were also red dots on the skin around both of my eyes. I

.

Think I should stop writing about this now 

This = Impossible

Published July 17, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Tears are welling up in my eyes and streaming down my face this very moment. I can’t stop. I have such a deep, deep sadness inside- it’s absolutely overwhelming and utterly crushing.

I can’t think straight…can’t get anything accomplished. 

I feel terrible physically…emotionally. Nearly every thought in my head is criticizing or condemning some part of myself. 

I seriously want my FA. I don’t even want to use it in that capacity- but I want it soooo badly.

I just don’t want to do this anymore. Ever.

I completely understand why people go down this road. 

Dazed and Confused

Published July 15, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’ve been so out of my own brain lately. Does that even make sense? A whole day will go by…16-17 hours awake and going around and I have no idea what I did. It’s like my brain is floating in a cloud. 

Today was already so difficult. I had virtually no sleep last night. I took sleeping pills and everything. TV off, phone down, wide awake and absolutely anxiety ridden. This was the first night in weeks that I hadn’t combined alcohol with sleeping pills. (I’ve been trying to figure out why last night was different than any other night.) I’m so grateful that I don’t have to work at the moment- that it’s ok that I’m sleepless and it’s ok that I’m wandering around like a zombie. I’m screwed when I need to get back to work and actually accomplish something. That was part of my anxiety- worrying how the hell I can be productive at work… and how relieved I was when I thought about …and never having to return to work again!

So as pathetic as it sounds, I was already crying before 10am. I also had so much raging anger- in my head, I was directing it toward everyone, even though no one deserves it.

Wow. I’m a mess, I know it. 

I am so looking forward to getting away though- I know it’s an escape, but that’s ok. I’m going to run while I have the chance. When work starts back up, I’ll be trapped and won’t be able to escape at all. So I’m going to indulge in it now while I can. And I can’t wait to be near the sea. I adore it!! It will be beneficial, satisfying, and hopefully soothing for my soul. I’m also looking forward to spending time with God, reading, talking to- and most importantly, listening to God. I really need to work on that and being away will hopefully afford me with better concentration and less distraction. 

For some reason, I’m also excited to visit Annette again. There’s something so special about her. I know it will tear me up to spend time with her, but I don’t care. She really needs it and I’m excited to do it. 

This particular blog is nothing but me whining, but I’m following orders of my therapist and continuing to write, much more than usual. I haven’t been able to publish the post about my last EMDR session- I wrote out choppy phrases of what occurred with the intention of revisiting it to form actual sentences. I’m just not ready to revisit yet. Maybe soon. 

I don’t know how to keep things out of my head

Death is…

Published July 13, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Holy God. That was the most difficult thing I’ve done in forever! It makes me REALLY APPRECIATE and I mean, really appreciate people who do this for a living. 

I just visited with a woman who is dying of cancer. We cried. We talked. We cried and talked some more. She cried out to God multiple times, asking him, “Why?! Why me?” And she softly said, “He never answers.”  This made my heart instantly overflow with deep sadness.

I felt powerless to help in any capacity whatsoever. 

She echoed so many sentiments that I feel myself- and yet it made me feel like I didn’t have the right to feel the same way- because my situation isn’t as severe and it’s not as permanent.

She cried as she told me how scared she was. She said it over and over. She’s mad at God too. She doesn’t want to leave her loved ones here on earth.

She said she felt selfish for wanting Rob to not leave- like she needs his support, she needs him present there with her. She talked over and over again about the night they had drinks out on her back deck. They need to do that again. 

Like seriously…I want to pay for a plane ticket for Rob to come back and spend time with her. His company made her so happy…I can relate to that. And I want to give her that again. 

She is an absolutely amazing woman. I was in awe of her, truly. She possesses a bravery that I’ll never have. 

I really do pray for healing for her. I pray that God takes away her pain (she cried as she talked about the pain). I pray that God breathes through her entire body and annihilates every speck of cancer that there is. I pray God sees fit to give her at least a few more years of life that she can enjoy. I pray the Holy Spirit gives her peace and even joy during this time. I pray that God will take away the fear and anxiety that she has about dying and her short future. And I pray that the Holy Spirit would move in her husband’s heart to bring him to know, truly know Jesus.

I silently prayed that God would give me her cancer and let her live carefree. I’ve prayed this already about three times now- even before I met her. I prayed it for another friend (long before I wanted to die) and I’m dead ass serious about it. I don’t play around with shit like that. Even as I drove to see her, I was thinking about it- how people can say that, but if it would come down to physically doing it, how many actually would. With my other friend, I prayed this for the future too. If his cancer ever came back, if I was alive…no matter how happy I might be, no matter how much I might be enjoying life- I told God that I would take his cancer in his place for the remainder of my time here on earth. I’m disheartened to feel like it’s a futile prayer. I don’t think God does that. I mean, think of how many times parents who have had children with terminal illnesses have prayed that they would give their life for their child. And does it ever happen? How many times have we heard of a child with a terminal illness magically and unexplainably getting better while their parent fell ill? 

I don’t understand God. I’ve said that before. I know I’ll understand him when I get to heaven and hopefully, things will make more sense. 

But for now, we’re here. Please pray for Annette.