Oph. I have serious trust issues. I know that must be obvious….but dang, it’s ridiculous. The good news is that I slept well for 3 nights straight. It was awesome. I had a never-ending nightmare last Friday night about being taken hostage for days. That was the last nightmare I’ve had since then. And then the 3 nights following that dream, I slept well- dreamt, but nothing scary or bad. Then, the insomnia started again…but not from nightmares this time. Maybe it’s just from anxiety? I don’t know. One night, I kept falling back asleep, but woke up about 40 times. I kid you not. It was ridiculously bad. But hey, I kept falling asleep though- so that’s good. The other nights recently…I’ve just been awake for hours for no reason. I got up last night around 1am to walk my dog since I couldn’t sleep. I found this on my door:
And that’s when I realize how paranoid and untrustworthy I am. This note scares the sh*t out of me.
I simply can’t trust.
I see it occur over and over again in my life and I don’t know what to do about it. And then I get shocked when people, like my former friends here, choose to abandon me while I’m in the hospital. They just confirm everything negative for me. I totally thought I could trust them! And I did! And then that happened. It takes me so long to feel ok and comfortable with people.
I’ll never forget what an ass I felt like- when I first met my 911 friend. He was too nice…I was so suspicious of him simply because of his friendliness. Even though I mostly trust him now, I don’t think I’ll ever tell him that. He’s one of the kindest souls to walk this planet and I would never want him to stop being nice to people. This world needs so much of that. This world needs more people who care.
But I digress. I don’t know how to take this note. I actually thought it was from another neighbor and almost didn’t finish reading it. Then, I saw the apartment number and realized it was from a different person than I originally thought. Maybe it was finding the note at 1am when I was groggy. I don’t know why it weirds me out so much. It shouldn’t. Right?
I really don’t know. And then, there’s an issue with another friend of mine- one whom I haven’t seen in years and years. He helped pay my hospital bills and has been nothing but nice to me since reconnecting. Months ago, he told me about marital issues he was having and that they were in counseling. But yesterday, he opened up about everything. It goes so much deeper than I ever thought. They’re a Christian couple, but his wife wants an open marriage. I’m dumbfounded. I just don’t get that. Neither does he and he’s reeling with hurt and confusion and resentment. His wife has already become very emotionally attached to 2 other people- one a man, the other a woman. They’ve admitted “feelings” for each other, but decided not to get physical- to just stay friends. But clearly, my friend is hurt by this. Apparently, he hasn’t been the best at communicating over the years. He says he grew up with the idea that men shouldn’t be vulnerable and shouldn’t show feelings. So to a woman, that would appear as uncaring, stoic, aloof. I get it. She feels emotionally neglected and I get that too. I see that quite a bit in marriages- simply as an outside observer.
Anyway, we talked for an hour this evening. I think I was able to give him some good insight from a woman’s point of view. I hope it helps them heal. But my heart hurts so badly for him. I’ve been cheated on twice now. And I can’t imagine the pain he’s going through. He’s not willing to give up on his marriage so he doesn’t want a divorce. That’s good…but I worry with this new “open marriage” concept, even though it’s not supposed to be physical, that it’s only going to complicate things and cause greater hurt and resentment. I just don’t see that ending well. I feel so terrible for him. My heart is very heavy about that. I want to support him in any way I can- even though it’s from across the country. I’m just worried they won’t get through this. I really hope they do though.
It’s odd….I’m struggling so much with God right now. I’m sure he’s angry with me for being mad at him and for pulling away and for not having faith that he will heal me. But that’s just me being brutally honest. Those are only some of my struggles. And my friend with the newly open marriage, was asking my advice on that. My first question was what their relationship with God was like? He said there wasn’t much of one- that they had been burned out in ministry and pulled away from the “Christian culture.” I suggested he get right with God first. And of course, I see the irony in that- I need to get myself right with God. I told him that- I’m struggling with God too- it’s ok. Isn’t it? I don’t want him to give up on God. Look what happens when you do- you die. You die internally. You die spiritually. And in my case, you can die physically. I just think that if their marriage has any hope (<— there’s that evil word again) of healing, that it will come from God.
It was so strange to be giving advice on the Christian walk when I suck so hard at it. I know no one gets it perfect. But I don’t feel I’m in any position at all for that. I can help and support as a friend- that’s for sure. And I will gladly do that.
I’m quite anxiety ridden about where I will live. I have no clue where I’m moving to and time is ticking away. I’m kinda terrified. I think that’s part of what keeps me awake- my mind races and races. The nightmares don’t help- but I’m so grateful I haven’t had them for a whole week now.