Well, things have taken a turn… a healthier turn. He actually started talking to me and I think we made some headway. We’ve not come to a full agreement yet, but hopefully, it’s impending.

I don’t know how to explain to him my desire to be normal, to be viewed and treated as an adult. I was stripped of everything in that place. Everything. He has no idea what that place was like and what I went through in there. His “good intentions” gave me one of the worst experiences of my life. I simply want back everything that was taken from me. I can’t feel whole again until I’m back to normal, until I’m back in control of me.

I know he can’t understand that. He’s never been held against his will, he’s never been stripped of his possessions… how could he understand me? I think part of me needing to control my own life deals with other people controlling me throughout the years- even during rape, when you’re not in control and someone else is forcing you – well, that’s all I can think of. This is why I can’t stand that he is dictating MY life and what I can possess or can’t possess. It’s not right. It’s not healthy. And I need to break free from this.

Regardless, I feel so much better about the situation. All I needed was to talk with him and have him try to trust me. I don’t know why he was avoiding me so much. I understand that he feels he can’t trust me with it… and there’s no way for me to prove otherwise. There’s nothing. I’ve offered a few stipulations to help ease his mind, but I don’t think it will work. Nothing can ease his mind.

But I need to move on. I don’t want someone controlling me and withholding my own property from me. I’ve let this go on for way too long. Maybe that’s my mistake. I was trying so hard to be patient with him and do it on his timeline. But his timeline means “never.” So that’s not a viable solution.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully, I can retrieve it with his blessing. If not, then we’re back at square one.

I think what’s making me feel so much better isn’t the likelihood of getting my firearm, but seeing that he hasn’t completely abandoned our friendship. I still think he’s about to… but at the moment, he hasn’t. God knows… I prayed and prayed after I left the clan. I need people like him in my life so badly. I hate that we’re so far away and can’t interact that much. But I sure didn’t want to lose him… lose his friendship, his positivity, his support. But I have lost his trust. That is clear. And that is still incredibly devastating to me. I never realized he didn’t trust me until he sent those messages telling me about his decision. That crushing sensation is still on my chest.