I am so frustrating. Not frustrated. Frustrating. I’m annoying myself. God knows what it’s doing to other people.
I’m so lonely and yet I want to be left alone. I want to be with people, yet I really, really don’t.
I feel this urgent, overwhelming NEEDto cut everyone and everything off. Friends, church, work, family, acquaintances, even…
…even my little dog. I see it as a necessary step before the end. It’s something that will make things easier…it’ll make it hurt less for everyone- for others and for myself. The further away I am, the less it will hurt everyone when life ends. And if things don’t end, well then I guess I’m isolated. And that’s ok.
I despise that every thought, every feeling I have is negative. I’m frustrating myself with that. Why can’t I simply be happy or even content? I feel like a shitty person for not being happy. It must be that I’m selfish or self-centered or that I don’t care enough about others -enough to displace myself from my own thoughts.
I can’t accept the fact that my father was a sexual predator. I thought I was accepting it- even as it was turning my world upside down and ripping me apart. My blood line, my heritage- my own dad. I can’t accept it- even though I know it’s the truth. I don’t want to be the child of a sexual predator. I’m so ashamed. I thought my shame was from my experiences of sexual abuse and rape. And some of it definitely is. But knowing my dad, my family member preyed on others- that’s too much. I’m ashamed and deeply saddened over this- to the point that I simply can’t take it.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I have to do something- this is too miserable and I can’t fake it nor take it anymore. No one ever understands when people feel like they have no other choice. I don’t want to be here.
I wrote a long post last night and was too embarrassed to publish it. It was about feeling unwanted, left out, and not fitting in.
I have no handle, like no idea what’s wrong with me. I mean, I know what issues I’m dealing with. I just don’t understand how that reflects or translates on to the public or relationships.
My thought is that If I survive this (which is not likely), then I’ll be destined to a life of a recluse. I just don’t see it panning out any other way.
I have nothing to offer anyone. Even to someone who’s hurting…it should be relatively easy to help or do something that can make a hurting person’s day better. Am I wrong? Maybe I am. I’m just so empty inside. Hollow isn’t even a strong enough word to describe it…it’s more like a huge vacuum. I just have absolutely nothing to offer.
I’m on a plane right now and we’re over the ocean. I think how beautiful it is and how much I wish our plane would go down. I surely don’t want to hurt anyone else, but it seems fitting for my life to end.
Defunct. This is the word I think of when I think of how I’m going to keep functioning in society. Things are getting worse and worse. I’m getting worse and worse. More and more depressed, more dysfunctional in relationships, more socially dysfunctional, less able to function as an adult. God. This is why I don’t see anything ending “well.”
The truth is surely difficult to swallow. 😣 I still don’t want to believe it. And I still want to think he was somehow a good person.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes since Friday. I’m doing a terrible job of taking care of my little pup. I’ve been a horrible “friend” to people lately. It cannot go on like this.
I’m not quite sure how to describe what happened tonight. I think it was a surprise party…?
I feel like I didn’t respond quite the way people wanted, but I was so shocked that I couldn’t do anything but stand there and smile. And hug people. And say thank you.
These are my church people and I was just stunned to see everyone there. I’m still digesting it all. I couldn’t thank everyone enough.
As I was driving home, I was trying really hard to remember- I don’t think I’ve ever had a surprise party before. But y’know what? I did. One time a “friend” told me how unattractive I was. Once I confided in my best friend how much this had hurt my feelings, she made this other “friend” work with her to arrange a surprise “Chloe, you’re beautiful” party. 😂 It was just the two of them and myself. Yep. That’s the only surprise party aside from tonight that I’ve ever had.
So this one was really special. I came home, read and reread cards, rewatched a video message from some long distance friends, and admired the balloons I got to take home. I felt like a little kid- I really enjoyed it.
The entire night was surreal though. I felt completely out of it. I cried a few times, but only one person saw it once. I fake smiled the whole time…not that I didn’t want to smile- it was just nearly impossible for my face to do it. I think…I hope I did a good job of showing appreciation.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing…how these people all came together. Wow.
I don’t deserve it. But I feel lucky. And I’m forever grateful to all these wonderful people.
I wish I could make myself happy. I wish things like this could give me lingering joy…