My heart is overwhelmed with sadness. I know I just said I didn’t feel anything. I’m confused at the polarity between overwhelming, disabling emotions and numbness.
Evil runs in the family
I refuse to accept that my bloodline has so much betrayal, deception, disgusting illness, and perversion flowing through it. It’s not denial. It’s simply me not wanting this to be a part of who I am. I have enough bullshit with all the abuse and rape to deal with- it’s confounding to think there’s more.
I think this is affecting me physically. I’ve had bronchitis since late June. Now I also have a bacterial infection from it and sinusitis. I’m physically exhausted. In the summer, that was ok because I could rest whenever necessary. Now it’s taking a toll on me. My insides feel like they’ve been gouged out. I physically feel empty, like my insides have been scraped out from me.
My insomnia has gotten so much worse. I’m taking more sleeping pills than ever and it will help me fall asleep eventually, but I can never stay asleep for more than 2 hours now. It’s literally driving me mad.
I have a weekend coming up where I’ll be all alone. I’m thinking this is the perfect time. I’ll have the privacy that I want- I can still go somewhere else if I want. I’ll actually be able to do whatever I want. Or…I can wait for the long weekend where I’ll have several days to get away before anyone notices anything. To be honest, I’m still up in the air with what to do- if I’ll do anything at all. If you had asked me yesterday, it was a sure thing. Now, I’m not sure yet.
But…this is the most lucid thing that I can think of. Work, talking to people, living, driving, all other aspects of life are a blur. Except for this- ending it is the most lucid thought I have. It makes the most sense.
The guy here, locally – his name is Joe. He’s an attorney now so he’s goes by Joseph. The fact that he’s an attorney intimidates me beyond what I’m able to express. I’m so fearful of him. It’s ridiculous.
This is Joe. His wife looks just like me and he has 3 children now. I’m not quite sure what to think about that. It’s very unsettling.
Then there’s the guy who repeatedly sexually assaulted me, beginning when I was 9. His name is Rene. I can’t even say his name out loud. I haven’t said that name in decades. He’s disgusting. He’s an old man now.
That’s him. I think he might be/ might have been married, I think he has a daughter. I’m not sure. He’s on the other side of the country so I feel relatively safe from him. That’s why I don’t even care to research and find out about him. I don’t want to know anything. I know all I need to know. He’s absolutely fucking disgusting.
Joe scares me the most- mainly because he’s close and he’s in such a high powered position. Now that I’ve said his name and shown his picture, I’m just waiting for a lawsuit (in the very least)- even though I didn’t say his last name and my blog is anonymous- I’m still very fearful he’ll somehow find out and immediately sue me to protect himself. I wouldn’t be surprised if I change my mind and delete his picture soon.
Then there’s my dad. We’re not even going to go there.
I wanted to show their names and faces before I go. No one can do anything about it. But I didn’t want to leave this earth and not have their names be known- even if only by strangers on the internet.
I don’t think right anymore. I had to straight up lie to my therapist to get her to let me leave her office last time. I know I can’t be truly honest with her and that sucks. I have one friend here (well, really far away actually) who has been a rock. An absolute rock in terms of support, encouragement, aid- it’s been incessant and he’s been relentless. And I am more grateful than I can ever express. I’ll be sure to give him a heartfelt thank you one last time before I go. He deserves it.
I don’t have anyone else in this world aside from God. Loneliness is one of the things I struggle with the most. I know God is supposed to be enough. Most of my life, he was. He did sustain me through everything up to the present. But I’m continually disintegrating. I think there’s a point of no return. And to face this kind of garbage truly alone is too much to bear. I can’t go to church anymore. I don’t even have those few church acquaintances to talk with anymore. Not that people have time anyway. Not that I ever opened up either. I feel like loneliness and solitude is my destiny- and frankly, I don’t want it.
I don’t want any of this bullshit.