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All posts for the month August, 2017

Fading…

Published August 31, 2017 by Chloe Madison

The last few days have been good. I’ve been quite occupied from the time I wake to the time I go to bed. I think that’s helping. 

I’m not going to lie though. The thoughts are always there…lingering back in the dark places. Today I thought of it more than I have in the last several days combined. 

I’m trying my best to stay positive though. I keep pushing those thoughts away as quickly as I can. 

I’m not quite sure how I went from last weekend, which was hell, to a few days of positivity- but I’ll take it. I’m afraid the goodness is fading…so I’ll do what I can to cling to it. 

The biggest downside is I’m feeling more alone than ever. Didn’t really think that was possible. 

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Published August 26, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’m getting as ****** ** as I possibly can. I did (actually prayed/said) something tonight that was off the charts- I don’t think I would EVER tell another soul I said that for as long as I live. 

I’m surprised with how much hate I have in my heart. I’m completely and utterly overwhelmed with sadness. I can’t stop crying. I am so alone. When it comes down to it. It he middle of the night, when no one is around.m I am alone. There’s no one here to talk to mon one to confide in. I have not a soul in this eath
I love people so much. But I am so scared of peope. I’m scared of so much. I know God doesn’t give is a spirit of fear. I know. But I have a sport of sadness. Too much sadness. I don’t know what to Dow its it or how to handale it. I am alone. This is the truth. F everybody

Turmoil

Published August 25, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’ve reached expert level of fucking up every possible thing on the face of this earth…every friendship, every aspect of life, everything. 😖

All I know how to do right is piss people off and push people away. And that doesn’t help anyone. 

I guess I’m not making sense either. I know my emotions and thoughts have been all over the board lately. I’m even confusing myself at times. 

I have such intense detrimental urges. It would be so, so easy to give in. I want to so badly. I deserve it. 😣 I just don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t take it. I can’t take the pain, the rejection, the turmoil.

I asked a friend to stay with me for part of the weekend. Was denied. I’m trying hard to do the right thing- even if I don’t want to. 

I feel rejected by everyone. I know that can’t be right. I know I must be perceiving things incorrectly somehow. Logic tells me that- but my emotions and perceptions tell me otherwise. I’m finding it so difficult to talk- like truly talk, openly and honestly, to people without chasing them away. The flip side of that is that I haven’t been openly forthcoming with certain things. And that’s my fault. All of this is. I certainly take ownership of that.

I think I’m just too much. Too much garbage going on. Too many conflicting emotions and thoughts, too draining on people, too much of a burden. I don’t want to be like that. No one does. 😞

I see myself as an annoyance and a burden to some, just not really cared for by others. 

And then…I get messages like this. This is from someone whom I met once and talked with for about 20 minutes. 

I cherish any kind of nice and/ or encouraging messages I get…even from strangers. 

But I really need my friends right now. 

🕳

Published August 21, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I had one of the most disturbing dreams last night. I was so terrified that when I woke up in the middle of it, my heart continued to race long after I was awake and I was drenched in sweat. Even as I lay in bed, it took me a while to convince myself it was only a dream. I still can’t get it out of my mind.

Speaking of that…I cannot go even one hour without thinking of suicide multiple times. It’s literally overtaking my head. I can be in mid-sentence with someone and think of it. I can be in the middle of listening to someone and it pops into my head. It seems like I can’t escape it. To be honest though…since I’ve pretty much resigned myself to it, I guess maybe it makes sense that it’s all I think about. It’s kind of paramount at this point. 

I canceled my appt with my therapist. Ok, technically I postponed it to the following week. If I’m here. It really doesn’t matter. 

Nothing much does. 

F**k all these people

Published August 21, 2017 by Chloe Madison

My heart is overwhelmed with sadness. I know I just said I didn’t feel anything. I’m confused at the polarity between overwhelming, disabling emotions and numbness. 

Evil runs in the family

 
I refuse to accept that my bloodline has so much betrayal, deception, disgusting illness, and perversion flowing through it. It’s not denial. It’s simply me not wanting this to be a part of who I am. I have enough bullshit with all the abuse and rape to deal with- it’s confounding to think there’s more.

I think this is affecting me physically. I’ve had bronchitis since late June. Now I also have a bacterial infection from it and sinusitis. I’m physically exhausted. In the summer, that was ok because I could rest whenever necessary. Now it’s taking a toll on me. My insides feel like they’ve been gouged out. I physically feel empty, like my insides have been scraped out from me.

My insomnia has gotten so much worse. I’m taking more sleeping pills than ever and it will help me fall asleep eventually, but I can never stay asleep for more than 2 hours now. It’s literally driving me mad. 

I have a weekend coming up where I’ll be all alone. I’m thinking this is the perfect time. I’ll have the privacy that I want- I can still go somewhere else if I want. I’ll actually be able to do whatever I want. Or…I can wait for the long weekend where I’ll have several days to get away before anyone notices anything. To be honest, I’m still up in the air with what to do- if I’ll do anything at all. If you had asked me yesterday, it was a sure thing. Now, I’m not sure yet. 

But…this is the most lucid thing that I can think of. Work, talking to people, living, driving, all other aspects of life are a blur. Except for this- ending it is the most lucid thought I have. It makes the most sense. 

The guy here, locally – his name is Joe. He’s an attorney now so he’s goes by Joseph. The fact that he’s an attorney intimidates me beyond what I’m able to express. I’m so fearful of him. It’s ridiculous. 


This is Joe. His wife looks just like me and he has 3 children now. I’m not quite sure what to think about that. It’s very unsettling.

Then there’s the guy who repeatedly sexually assaulted me, beginning when I was 9. His name is Rene. I can’t even say his name out loud. I haven’t said that name in decades. He’s disgusting. He’s an old man now.


That’s him. I think he might be/ might have been married, I think he has a daughter. I’m not sure. He’s on the other side of the country so I feel relatively safe from him. That’s why I don’t even care to research and find out about him. I don’t want to know anything. I know all I need to know. He’s absolutely fucking disgusting. 

Joe scares me the most- mainly because he’s close and he’s in such a high powered position. Now that I’ve said his name and shown his picture, I’m just waiting for a lawsuit (in the very least)- even though I didn’t say his last name and my blog is anonymous- I’m still very fearful he’ll somehow find out and immediately sue me to protect himself. I wouldn’t be surprised if I change my mind and delete his picture soon.

Then there’s my dad. We’re not even going to go there. 

I wanted to show their names and faces before I go. No one can do anything about it. But I didn’t want to leave this earth and not have their names be known- even if only by strangers on the internet.

I don’t think right anymore. I had to straight up lie to my therapist to get her to let me leave her office last time. I know I can’t be truly honest with her and that sucks. I have one friend here (well, really far away actually) who has been a rock. An absolute rock in terms of support, encouragement, aid- it’s been incessant and he’s been relentless. And I am more grateful than I can ever express. I’ll be sure to give him a heartfelt thank you one last time before I go. He deserves it. 

I don’t have anyone else in this world aside from God. Loneliness is one of the things I struggle with the most. I know God is supposed to be enough. Most of my life, he was. He did sustain me through everything up to the present. But I’m continually disintegrating. I think there’s a point of no return. And to face this kind of garbage truly alone is too much to bear. I can’t go to church anymore. I don’t even have those few church acquaintances to talk with anymore. Not that people have time anyway. Not that I ever opened up either. I feel like loneliness and solitude is my destiny- and frankly, I don’t want it. 

I don’t want any of this bullshit. 

Numb

Published August 20, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I don’t have emotions. I don’t have feelings. Not now. I don’t know why not. But it’s not there. 

The only thing I feel is abandon. I feel hopeless. I know my situation will never change. I know that. It’s ok. 

I know I’m supposed to be able to trust God with this. 

I was out in the sun today and suddenly felt weird and weak. Some of the meds have adverse side effects with sun exposure. I hoped something bad would happen as I asked God to let just me go. I asked him to let my heart fail. Nearly instantly, numbness shot through my entire body. My thoughts froze. My brain even tingled and felt numb. The whole world seemed to stop. And then…nothing. I felt ok, I walked home.

I know not everyone’s life can turn out perfectly. I know there are those who have it way worse than I could ever imagine. I often think of that…those who have it worse. And I think how much of a weak excuse for a human I am for not being able to handle what I have been given. 

I’m not feeling much. I don’t want anyone to waste their time anymore. I do feel bad for that. This will not be successful. There are other things to invest time and energy in which will be successful. This is not one. And that’s ok!

The Field

Published August 20, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Sitting in the field down near a drainage ditch. The grass has been cut offering less privacy. It is surprisingly peaceful. The wind is blowing, the grass is swaying, I hear thunder overhead and the chirping of crickets and birds. 

I’m hoping I get struck by lightning. I hear a plane overhead and look up. I hope it comes crashing down on top of me. I think this multiple times. If only it were that easy.

I’ve been here for several hours…thinking, envisioning, listening my surroundings. As I look into the ground at my feet, I realize it’s close to the same color as the sand I envisioned in my last EMDR session. Then I look up and realize the shorter grass, sharp and dry- is eerily similar to the short, sharp grass I saw in the session. 

As I think about what happened in the session, I remember the darkness…how it came over the entire area, engulfed it, and made sure I would lose my way. 

I think this is ok. This is the perfect place. A little too close to civilization…but it will do. Part of me still yearns for a remote area. I want the privacy, the solitude, and what I really want is for no one to ever find me. A missing person is so much better for everyone.