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All posts for the month July, 2017

DNR

Published July 30, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Completely devastated….   The real truth hurts. And it’s hitting me really, really hard.  😖 Words so empty and hollow that only now am I feeling the painful echo.

My head and my heart are writhing as this reality sinks in. I feel so defeated.

Utterly and hopelessly alone.

.

I don’t understand how people are expected to make a comeback after things like this. “Things” are all these experiences in life of abuse/ rape. I just don’t know how people do it. It seems impossible to me.

I don’t want to go home. There’s no such place as “home.” 

I don’t want to face another birthday alone. Is that all there is to life? Every meal alone. Day after day alone. Weeks, months, years. I’ve been alone now for eight years. 

EIGHT.  

YEARS. 

You can’t act like there’s hope just around the corner or hope in God. It NEVER f*cking comes. Everything just continues to deteriorate. This hopelessness is not life. I refuse to do this.

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Bound to be free

Published July 26, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I have had this visual in my head for a long time now. My wrists are bound by a strong impenetrable rope. Hands are on my face and my chest, pushing on me and holding me down as I fight back. I decide that I can win the fight if only I can free my hands. But the rope is like steel- it won’t ever break. So I see that the only way to get free is to sever my own hands. I begin the process of twisting my wrists back and forth against the friction of the rope. It burns as it tears at my skin. I know this rope, as strong as steel, will wear away at my bones too. Once I sever my hands, I can be free. 

Chester Bennington

Published July 21, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I don’t want to speak much on Chester’s suicide with the exception of my thoughts on those condemning his actions. 

I’ve seen too much negativity online- everything from outright anger at him to people saying he was inconsiderate of his children and fans.

Before you speak or post, you need to stop and think what else there was that you may or may not know anything about. I’m particularly irritated and hurt by those who knew him, who knew he had issues he was dealing with like being sexually abused/ raped and they STILL chose to publicly condemn him. 

Depression is one thing. Add the component of being sexually abused and you’ve got a whole other animal you’re dealing with. 

People can’t understand unless they’ve been there- stop being so quick to judge when you have NO IDEA wtf you’re talking about. Try to have some compassion and understanding. I’m not saying suicide is the right way, but don’t be so quick to condemn those who go down that path, especially in a moment of despondency.

With sex abuse, there’s a whole other component that can change the core of your psychological being. I’m not saying God can’t overcome that or heal that- of course He can. But understand that it’s more than depression that’s being dealt with. And even if you have been sexually abused, it affects people differently, depending on a whole slew of factors- exactly what occurred, if the offender was known, if a support system was present, if there were multiple offenders or multiple occurrences…I could probably list 10-12 more items here that would affect how people process it differently. That doesn’t even matter. 

Just please treat everyone with respect. Have compassion for both the living and the dead. Help people, don’t hurt them. 

Published July 20, 2017 by Chloe Madison

My head is exploding with the biggest headache ever. It’s been a while since I’ve eaten and I just had a few glasses of wine. Just a few…and yet I feel so crazy and happy:

I’ve finally arrived and just saw my friend. The first thing she said was, “Have you lost weight??” I seriously don’t think it’s that noticeable- if at all. But I told her yes, it’s just from stress. That’s the line I’ve been using on everyone. I mean, it’s true. But right away she asked if it was about a guy. When I said no, she assumed I had a health issue. I joked, “yeah, a mental health issue!” She laughed but didn’t take me seriously…she kept digging in about my health and what was wrong with me. Seriously….I don’t look that bad, do I? 

I’m so disappointed in myself. I thought I had turned a new leaf. I can’t even count how many times I thought of ending everything today. Just thoughts… but still, I’m disappointed. 

I was at a rest stop in NY. There’s a walkway that goes over the interstate that people need to walk across to reach the restrooms and food. I was taken aback by the view of walking right across the interstate and seeing semi trucks whizz by right underneath. I thought how easy it would be to jump…the semi would never see it coming. No one would have a chance to stop, no one would even realize what they were running over. And then…

I saw the latches on the windows I was looking out of. Holy God! These windows open!! You really could very easily commit suicide here! You could easily open these windows and drop out- you’d be run over by 8-9 cars and semis before anyone even realized what happened. So tempting…

Then there were the times I was just nonchalantly driving along… and I came upon an overpass of some sort- I’d think, just veer off the road, fly off this curve, your car would disappear and aside from a broken highway barrier, there would be no sign that anything happened. I imagined hitting trees, submerging in water, tumbling down hillsides or disappearing into ravines. 

I can’t even keep my problems inside anymore. They just pour out of me- I feel like a raving lunatic- and just like a raving lunatic, I can’t stop myself. 

I hope no one goes through this, I hope no person ever has to feel this pain. This is not life.