All posts tagged anger

Published December 13, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Fuuuuu…. I am so infuriated and I don’t even know why. I just left my two doctor appointments. This last guy said I rated as severe for depression, but “moderately severe.” He even suggested I get into group counseling that could meet for up to 3 times a week, if I felt I needed that support. I don’t. I’m fine. I’m shocked that I rated so severely. Am I not seeing this? On top of that, all the questions I answered were for the last 2 weeks only!! And I’ve felt a tiny bit better these last few weeks- I mean, I actually had a good day here and there. So if I’m “moderately severe” now, what the hell was I before? Severely severe?

That depresses me so much. It makes me mad. Why though? This is probably the first time since I’ve been out that I actually wanted to hurt myself. I just feel so much rage and strong….gah….I don’t even know!

Speaking of hurting myself, with talking with this guy and why/ how I got hospitalized…I WILL NEVER, EVER say on this blog that I want to die or kill myself ever again. It’s not worth getting locked up for. Just because I don’t say it, doesn’t mean I’m not thinking it. But I refuse to go through that again. I don’t have the freedom to say what I want…but hey, welcome to America. Land of the free. Unless you’ve been raped. Then you’re not free. You’re not free to express yourself. You’re not free of your fears. You’re not free of anything this shitty life has in store for you.

I can’t believe I’m worse off than I think. I just don’t believe that. Am I that blind?

The med management doctor is increasing my dosage. Doubling it. Not because of me though…he says that almost no one experiences the benefits of Zoloft on 50mg. (Then why do they even make a 25mg?) But he said it’s only 1 of 2 medications proven to treat PTSD. The other med, he said, he doesn’t prescribe because the side effects are crazy bad. He was much nicer than the second doc. He made me feel bad about 2 things though. One was my hope (<— f*** that word) in the medicine. He said for someone like me, dealing with huge and multiple traumas, that meds are only 10% of the equation. The rest needs to come from therapy. 😞 I had wished the meds would help more than just 10%. The other thing was my problem regulating my body temp and not having my period for 2 months now. I thought (and still think) I was so distressed when I was locked up, that I skipped it then and it’s listed as a side effect…so I thought maybe that’s why I still don’t have it. He suggested I might have early menopause!! What the..?? No, don’t tell me that. Don’t crush my dreams of ever having children!! Are you freaking kidding me?? No. No. No.

Everyone says “wait” on God. Wait for a husband. Wait for children and a family. God will give you the desires of your heart.

F that. He doesn’t. This is proof.

Published December 12, 2017 by Chloe Madison

The last few days have been weird. Saturday was ok. Sunday was different. I woke up around 4am with a massive borderline migraine. I took my migraine pills and hoped it would be gone in time for church. Just as I thought I’d have to skip church, my headache started to wane. After church, I broke down crying with a friend. She sat there and listened to me for two straight hours- nothing but me pouring my heart out, fears, anxieties, frustrations, everything. I’m so grateful for her and her willingness to listen.

The rest of the day I was in the most massive haze. I wandered around a mall in a stupor. I have no idea what was going on. For the first time I found it hard to be in crowds. I’ve never had an issue with that before. I viewed about every other person as a possible threat to me. I don’t know why. I was so out of it. I went to write here multiple times and I couldn’t even compose my thoughts correctly. I didn’t have the energy to try to make my brain work. ??

Last night came and left with very little sleep. Part of it was my brain- it was chaos. It felt like a bomb was continually exploding in my head. So many different things running through my mind, yet nothing made sense. Pure chaos.

The other part of it was my little pup. He was pretty sick last night. I wound up running him outside 6 times because of diarrhea. I gave him meds, snuggled him, and all I can do is hope he feels better soon. I feel so helpless with him. 😣

I had a nightmare last night, but can’t remember it. I don’t know how I had a chance to dream because I only slept for two hours. I didn’t think that was enough time to enter REM sleep. The other night I had a weird nightmare. I was a hostage with a lot of other people who were taken hostage as well. We were inside of an empty multi-story building and they had separated us into small groups- except I had been kept alone. I remember being crouched down on the floor and staring at several bright red maple leaves on the floor. Each leaf had three lines cut into it, all lined up next to each other. (I have no idea what that’s all about) And then there was something about a parade inside the building with the other hostages. I can’t remember that clearly anymore.

I don’t know what the hostage dream means. It could relate to earlier trauma, but I think it might relate more to being locked up. The strong feelings I had in my dream were the same overwhelming emotions I experienced while in the hospital. Maybe me being crouched down on the floor in my dream is the same as when I would retreat to my bed and curl up and cry. I’m not sure.

I hate that.

I hate that time.

Nov. 3 will forever live as a horrible, horrible day.

I see myself on that day as one little square piece of thin toilet paper. All the trauma, abuse, rape, abortion, deception and betrayal…it has all worn me so thin. As thin and fragile as one piece of toilet paper. Getting locked up was like someone violently throwing a huge bucket of water on me. I just disintegrated. So quickly.

I don’t see how people get through stuff like this. I really don’t. This doesn’t get better. It doesn’t get easier. People are mean. People are not understanding. I don’t know what else to say.

There’s no coming back from disintegration.

Published December 5, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m so sad. I took an online health questionnaire at work and was slightly paranoid it might not be anonymous like it said. So I answered the questions about mood and depression to make it NOT sound as bad as I feel. And I STILL got flagged as depressed. What the…? Am I doing that badly that I can’t even see it?

Some of the information given following the questionnaire said that depression can affect your judgment. Is that really true? I’ve never heard of that before. But as I reflect on decisions and thoughts and how I perceive things…I just didn’t think depression would impact those things, but maybe it has. I honestly thought it was the other way around- that I was depressed because of my thoughts and perceptions of the world and people around me. I didn’t think depression could alter that. Maybe I have a lot to learn.

I’m so sorry for my angry posts lately. I’ve been highly irritable for over a year now- since this all started to go downhill. Seeing how much my insurance paid and what I still owe sent me over the edge in terms of rage. I’m still super upset that I have to pay $9000 for something I refused over and over and over. All I wanted to do was go home. And they wouldn’t let me.

I don’t want to think about the money situation anymore. I don’t know what to do with that. I’ve cut out cable TV and eating out. What else can I cut out?? There’s nothing in my budget but my credit card payment, rent, electric, cell, student loan, insurance, gas, and car payment. My dog’s meds are so much…I just picked up more of his meds yesterday. He’s been throwing them up though. 😞 I don’t know how else to help him except to do what the doctor says and give him extra pain meds when his pain won’t subside. My heart hurts so badly for him. He’s my only companion in this lonely, cold world. My only companion.

I had already bought a plane ticket to see my mom at Christmas and now I think it’s a mistake (financially). It’s on my credit card…obviously I couldn’t afford to pay for it outright. But I view Christmas break the same as Thanksgiving break. If I stay here, alone, for two weeks…no work, no friends, nothing to do…bad things will happen. My mind just goes there. It goes there every single day. The best way I can think of to fight it is to go away from here and be with other people. Sounds good. Just not very affordable. But I’m doing the best I can even if I can’t afford it.

I even reached out to my old pastor yesterday. I had reached out to him a few months back. But yesterday I sent him an email letting him know I got locked up. I’m so scared of being judged or looked down on because of it. It took degradation and shame to a whole new level for me. I’m super embarrassed about it and don’t want ANYONE to know. Too many already do. But I decided to be honest and tell him, hoping to get some encouragement and support. I haven’t heard back yet.

Me reaching out to people is so, so difficult. I think I’m terrified of rejection. And if you give people nothing to reject you for, then they won’t. If you’re honest and open and vulnerable, people will see your weakness and your troubles. You’re giving them ammunition to judge you with. But it is what it is. If I want support from people, I have to let them know that. Even if I get rejected…like when I asked my friends to visit me in the hospital and they refused. It was shocking and heart breaking. But the truth is that I’m not so sure I want people like that around me. I don’t need any more negativity. I don’t need any more criticism and rejection- I feel I do that to myself enough. I need good people, true friends, people who won’t judge me even knowing I’ve been locked up. I just think that’s so hard to find. That’s why I’m so scared and hesitant to reach out.

I’m trying though. I feel like going away at Christmas is the best course of action. I thought reaching out to my old pastor again is a good step to take. I’m not sure quitting therapy is the best idea- but financially, I’ve got no other choice. I have to start making payments and I don’t know where else that money can come from. Can you make a payment on a medical bill with a credit card? Again…not the best idea…but if I have no other choice, then that will be the route I might need to take.

I need to get away from this debilitating sadness. It’s eating me up.

Published December 3, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’m trying to remain as positive as possible, but I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of it. Sleep has eluded me for several nights now. I woke up last night around 2:30am and couldn’t fall back asleep- and that was with multiple sleeping pills. Maybe that’s why I’m kind of cranky today.

In church, my pastor’s sermon hit home a few times. One thing he said was how sometimes we ask God why…when, if we got the answer, it probably wouldn’t matter anyway. We’d still be dealing with the same situation regardless of why it happened. What we really need, he said, was an arm around us. He used that phrase over and over again, referring to both God being with us and others being with us during hard times.

He gave one illustration of my worship pastor’s father who was in the hospital. And where he was, it was culturally common for the community to join in when one needed it. He stated how his father’s hospital room was never empty. I stopped right there…I have no clue what he said right after that because I was imagining a hospital room full of friends and family. And then I got hurt and angry. I was hospitalized for five days and had two visitors, who came once each. Wow. I remembered how difficult it was sitting there watching other patients get visitor after visitor. I felt so lonely. It was a hard reality of just how alone I am in this world. And then I tried to imagine the effect it would have had on me if I had visitors the way my worship pastor’s father did. I tried to imagine how much more cared about I would have felt. I wondered if it could have helped me get out quicker. I wonder if it could help me heal. And then my pastor said it again- how we need an arm around us. I just don’t feel I have that. I’ve opened up to more people since I got locked up and as difficult as that was, I still feel alone. That’s why I go back to text messages and emails that make me feel cared about. Even though they’re old messages, I’ll reread them, hoping to feel less alone in all of this. I’m trying to keep my thoughts positive, but I feel fake doing it…as fake as I was when I talked with people when I was locked up. I remember faking being ok, fake smiling, fake everything. I’m trying to write positive things…but I feel like I’m BSing myself. I’m not happy, things aren’t ok, things aren’t going well. Every day, I think of dying. I can simply choose to not write about that, but I’d be faking it. These last few days have been better- no sleep and migraines included. But I’m so uncertain of the future. I still can’t see January…even though I also thought I’d never see December. I can’t see 2018 at all. Nothing. Just a void. I feel like that’s what the future holds. Darkness. Emptiness. Lifelessness. Hopelessness.

Published November 26, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I can’t trust God. Maybe that’s because so many bad things have happened. Maybe it’s because my earthly father wasn’t trustworthy and I subconsciously equate that with my Heavenly Father. Maybe it’s both.

How can you have hope in something you can’t trust? If you want to criticize me for that or think that I’m an immature Christian…then, that’s your choice.

I just can’t bring myself to fully trust God. How can I reconcile all the bad that he lets happen? Yes, you say “oh it’s because we live in a fallen world” and that’s true. But God IS sovereign. I know that. So he allows evil to reign.

But as I sit and think…I don’t really believe God fully loves me. Does he love me a little? Sure. Does he love all of me? No. And I’m not just referring to the sinful parts of me. I don’t see how God can love me.

How can anyone ever love me after they find out I was locked up in a looney bin?

And speaking of the looney bin…the bills have begun. How can an ER visit cost $16,570.46??? I’m trying so hard not to freak out. But the shaking and crying have begun. I got another bill from the ambulance which was less than I expected. They only want $358.63. Then I got an additional bill from the ER doctor for an another $695. And do you know what the best part is?? I haven’t even received the bill for the 5 days and nights that I was locked up!!! I’m terrified to find out how much that will cost me. All of these are “out of network” providers. They can charge whatever they want for services I fought tooth and nail against…and I’m the one who gets the joy of this immense financial burden.

How am I supposed to survive? How am I supposed to pay this? How is this supposed to help someone who doesn’t want to live? Is this really supposed to make me want to live now? Seriously? Yeah…let’s throw a huge financial burden and strain on you…don’t think you’re dealing with enough…there…now you’re really drowning in debt…don’t dare come up for air…feel better now? Smh.

Sorry…I’m trying to use twisted humor and sarcasm to deal with this. I’m trying so hard to not freak out, to stop crying. How can ONE PERSON handle bills like these?

This was the worst experience of my life. I’ve been trying to brace myself for the financial part that I knew was coming. I guess I’ve done a horrible job of preparing myself. I don’t know what to do.

Published November 24, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’m so thankful for this. ⬆️ It makes me feel better to think that I’m not “ill.” But it does mention the breaking down of relationships and crushing connections. 😓 I can attest to that. I also think that depression has added more to my isolation and withdrawing from people. The trust part- that’s from PTSD though. I’m trying to understand PTSD more. So much more is known about it now than when I had it before. I never knew my urge to cut was from a build up of adrenaline from a fight or flight response that had been triggered. I’m still kind of in awe of that. I had always felt so ashamed and immature that I had that urge. I didn’t know it was “scientifically based,” as the psychiatrist put it. I went back to every time I was leaning in that direction and tried to remember what path my thoughts went down so I could identify how the fight or flight response had been triggered. I did some research and found out that the stress hormone, cortisol, also triggers a fight or flight response. In one book, it says that this could lead to a suicide attempt as you’re protecting yourself from ever being harmed again. For me, I’m not quite sure why I think of suicide so often. I’ve thought of spiritual warfare combined with plain old depression and stress. I do only think of taking action when I’m beyond stressed and feel like I’m about to burst. (That feeling is what the psychiatrist said was adrenaline.)

This is so complex and complicated and I know I don’t understand all of it. To make matters worse, what I’ll come to an understanding of today, I’ll forget by tomorrow. No joke. 😒

Anyway, I’m trying so hard to be more understanding of myself. That might sound silly, but I’m incredibly hard on myself- very critical of myself. I think that internal dialogue is from my mom. But regardless, I’m trying to give myself some slack when it comes to what I’m thinking and feeling and the resulting behaviors. First and foremost, I’m on a mission to stop hurting other people…even if it’s just hurting them by lying. It’s not right and never will be. Second, I’m trying to get better for myself. So I’m trying to understand what I’ve been diagnosed with and how it’s affecting everything. When I googled how PTSD affects friendships and relationships, I was shocked. I couldn’t believe how much damage it does…and it made me realize that a lot of what I’ve done recently is from PTSD. It doesn’t make it right, but at least I can identify why I did those things. If I can identify my motivation, I can then learn to stop. I just don’t want to ever hurt anyone. Ever. That’s not who I am.

Half of me tells myself I’m NOTHING like my father. Half of me berates myself with every bad thing I’ve ever done, saying I’m cut from the same cloth. I’m trying so hard to believe and to know in my heart that I’m a child of God. I feel like there’s a wall there though. I can’t break past it. I just can’t believe that God truly, truly loves me. I just don’t see myself as a child of God. I don’t know why. I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t know how to change that.

I’m trying really hard to believe this too. ⬆️ I don’t believe it yet. I know all too well that what I’m dealing with is too much for normal people. I know that I’ve shared with people, then they’ve chosen to walk out on me. But that’s their prerogative.

I saw this online ⬆️ That is exactly what I think!!! And unfortunately, a few friends already proved to me that this is true. 😓 It makes me all the more grateful for those who have stepped up and helped me and who have done SO MUCH to ensure my survival even against my own wishes. I thank God for them.

Early Thanksgiving

Published November 23, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I forgot to say what I was thankful for yesterday. I’m thankful for my nephew and the smiles and giggles he gives. Even his cries are precious and endearing. I love him.

And last night I had a good laugh with my brother while we were watching Impractical Jokers. He was laughing so hard that he cried. That, in turn, made me laugh. I looked at him as he laughed and realized that he had no idea who our father really was. He can have joy because he doesn’t know the awful things our dad did. And I’m happy for him. At least one of us can turn out normal. And then I thought about how long it had been since I had laughed….and I couldn’t remember the last time I actually laughed. Maybe I can blame that on my terrible memory….or maybe it’s just been that long.

I don’t have joy in things in life. I know it’s a fruit of the spirit and that it must negatively reflect on my walk with God. I don’t want to further berate myself and just think I’m a crappy Christian. I know there’s much more to it than that. I know I’m dealing with things that aren’t normal issues for people.

Overall today was an ok day. It started off rough…my mom was pretty critical and ornery early in the morning. I got hurt and angry and just wanted to leave. I went to go for a walk and she gave me a surprise hug before I left.

After that, things were ok. We celebrated Thanksgiving today so there was a lot of work in the kitchen, but there was also a lot of time spent playing a game with my brother. It was cool that we could enjoy something together. I only get to see him twice a year.

I think it’s so beautiful here. I’m really enjoying being out in nature and breathing the fresh air. I’m thankful for quite a lot. My crazy, dysfunctional family included. 🙂