I constantly see him. My mind goes back and forth between him alive- smiling, laughing, joking, talking, taking pictures…to him in death- his eye bulging out, his blood pumping onto the ground around his head, his face, mouth, teeth, his tongue lolled back.
I’d much rather see the image of him alive, but I have no control over what comes. Both make me sad. His eye and tongue and mouth- his whole face haunts me.
Hours and hours sitting with him… Half the day consumed. I got up the next day and saw that I’d gotten mud all in my bed. I had never changed clothes…I was still covered in mud from being on the ground with him. I don’t remember driving home and I don’t remember going to bed. The next afternoon, I posted pictures of the scenery as if nothing had happened. I never told anyone. What’s wrong with me?? That I would post pictures and not say a word about the life lost? I question my sanity, my selfishness…I wasn’t trying to ignore his death- I just didn’t think it was fit for public posting. Obviously.
My heart, my soul, even my body feels so heavy with all that is happening. I’m so deeply saddened by his loss and the loss felt by his family…by the tragedy in Vegas and all the people hurt by the maddening violence…by my precious little companion getting more and more sick…by this **** that I wrote, fearing that people will be angry with me and not understanding…by my own tragedy and that of my bloodline that I can’t seem to overcome.
Yesterday, my heart felt so destroyed. I couldn’t believe how bad I was feeling. I was utterly devastated. It could have been compounded by the fact that the night before was sleepless. For not having slept, I thought I felt ok. But emotionally, I was absolutely destroyed. I broke down crying while walking across a parking lot. I stopped and sat on a boulder and asked God how I could carry on if I felt so wrecked. I was SO CLOSE to doing something to permanently end it all. It was the first time that I didn’t plan anything ahead of time. It was simply being overwhelmed by sadness that made me decide there was no end and no way out. As I sat on the boulder crying and thinking of the ways I could end it- I thought…of a chocolate shake. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I thought maybe a good chocolate shake could make me feel better, could maybe distract me for a time until my mind left that place. So I went and got an extra chocolately shake and devoured it. I did not feel better. But then, a friend started texting. I got consumed in the conversation and before I knew it, hours had passed, it was nighttime, and I hadn’t done anything negative. Not only that, but I realized later on that yesterday was the first day in months that I hadn’t self-medicated.
What was a terribly devastating day…hours of feeling deeply sad…that brought me lower than I could have imagined…turned into distraction by a chocolate shake…and then distraction by the conversation with my friend. If that chocolate shake didn’t happen…if my friend never texted…I’m afraid I wouldn’t be writing these words here now.