All posts tagged God


Published October 9, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I constantly see him. My mind goes back and forth between him alive- smiling, laughing, joking, talking, taking pictures…to him in death- his eye bulging out, his blood pumping onto the ground around his head, his face, mouth, teeth, his tongue lolled back.

I’d much rather see the image of him alive, but I have no control over what comes. Both make me sad. His eye and tongue and mouth- his whole face haunts me. 

Hours and hours sitting with him…  Half the day consumed. I got up the next day and saw that I’d gotten mud all in my bed. I had never changed clothes…I was still covered in mud from being on the ground with him. I don’t remember driving home and I don’t remember going to bed. The next afternoon, I posted pictures of the scenery as if nothing had happened. I never told anyone. What’s wrong with me?? That I would post pictures and not say a word about the life lost? I question my sanity, my selfishness…I wasn’t trying to ignore his death- I just didn’t think it was fit for public posting. Obviously. 

My heart, my soul, even my body feels so heavy with all that is happening. I’m so deeply saddened by his loss and the loss felt by his family…by the tragedy in Vegas and all the people hurt by the maddening violence…by my precious little companion getting more and more sick…by this **** that I wrote, fearing that people will be angry with me and not understanding…by my own tragedy and that of my bloodline that I can’t seem to overcome.



Yesterday, my heart felt so destroyed. I couldn’t believe how bad I was feeling. I was utterly devastated. It could have been compounded by the fact that the night before was sleepless. For not having slept, I thought I felt ok. But emotionally, I was absolutely destroyed. I broke down crying while walking across a parking lot. I stopped and sat on a boulder and asked God how I could carry on if I felt so wrecked. I was SO CLOSE to doing something to permanently end it all. It was the first time that I didn’t plan anything ahead of time. It was simply being overwhelmed by sadness that made me decide there was no end and no way out. As I sat on the boulder crying and thinking of the ways I could end it- I thought…of a chocolate shake. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I thought maybe a good chocolate shake could make me feel better, could maybe distract me for a time until my mind left that place. So I went and got an extra chocolately shake and devoured it. I did not feel better. But then, a friend started texting. I got consumed in the conversation and before I knew it, hours had passed, it was nighttime, and I hadn’t done anything negative. Not only that, but I realized later on that yesterday was the first day in months that I hadn’t self-medicated. 

What was a terribly devastating day…hours of feeling deeply sad…that brought me lower than I could have imagined…turned into distraction by a chocolate shake…and then distraction by the conversation with my friend. If that chocolate shake didn’t happen…if my friend never texted…I’m afraid I wouldn’t be writing these words here now. 

Published October 7, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’m in shock that I could actually become more sad. I thought I was at rock bottom. But today…and last night…it’s just absolutely unbearable.

I’ve successfully chased every person out of my life. Everyone. My mom, my friends, near and far, every single person. 

Here where I live, no one cares about other people. Everyone here is so self-centered, ensuring their own goals and successes become a reality. I don’t see people caring about other people. I saw that Wyoming has the highest suicide rate in the country. I get the same vibe when I’m there that I do here- people are out for their own survival. They don’t even see others, much less actuallly care.

I don’t have the means to survive any more. I don’t have the means to keep seeing the therapist. I questioned whether it was helping anyway. I just simply can’t do this. 

I wrote my ******* ****.  For part of it, I broke down crying…for other parts, I was surprisingly stoic. It was bizarre. I am so angry at God. How can it be that I’m supposed to just keep faith, trust in God…and all he does is dump more and more and more on me? It doesn’t make sense to me. If I didn’t know any better, I’d believe God was purposely trying to make sure I don’t survive. 

I can’t believe how low and devastated my heart feels. I’m utterly overcome with deep, deep sadness. I absolutely can not take anymore. 


Published October 7, 2017 by Chloe Madison

My little dog- my only companion in life is pretty sick. He has several different things going on. Yes, he’s old- 13 going on 14. But I’m not ready for him to leave yet. I need him so badly. He is literally my only companion in life. My ONLY companion. I have been crying ALL day. 

I can NOT handle him leaving. Make no mistake about that. I absolutely cannot take it. 
I don’t know. I have mixed feelings. I hear myself saying f*** everyone. I hate everyone. I’m sooo pissed at everyone. And then part of me thanks you sooooooo much. Those who have supported me through all this stupid crap called life- this never ending bullshit. I really do thank you. 

This is the perfect place to do it because no one cares. People need to understand. This is me. This is my decision and my fault. And personally, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. It’s really not.

This is all me. It has nothing to do with any of you. Know that.

I thank all of you for your support. I truly do. 💜

Do NOT read. Seriously.

Published October 4, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Please don’t read this. This is for me only. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m back to having an extreme urge to withdraw and just get as f**ked up as humanly possible. I hate everybody. I don’t think anyone cares about anyone but themselves. I question why I have so much hate in my heart. Maybe it’s not hate. Maybe it’s anger. I’m very, very angry- with everything that’s happening- Las Vegas and that fucking asshole who thought his purpose in life was to hurt as many people as he possibly could, everyone dying- people in Vegas and Jason on the trail, all the abuse, maltreatment, and downright evil in this world…and I’m angry at God for allowing these things to happen.

I hate everything and everyone right now. And why can’t people just understand when someone wants to die?! Why can’t people just let it happen and respect us? Truthfully, part of me wants help and part of me wants to be left alone. 

I’m going to cancel meeting with the therapist. I can’t talk about what I need to and it’ll drive me fucking crazy.  It’s useless. Nothing’s working. Everything is useless. People aren’t reliable. God’s not even reliable- why would I be stupid enough to expect people to be? 

I thought things were getting better for a bit there. I really did. 
I fucking hate my life. I do. 

Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck everything. I’m so sick of this. 

I don’t know where God is.

Published October 2, 2017 by Chloe Madison

The only piece of good news is that I heard from Brian. I sent him the pictures and he said “it has helped a lot knowing there are so many good people here with me.” We live in the same city so I offered to meet up with him or talk with him any time he needs. I’ll check back frequently to make sure he’s ok. 

Vegas. I can’t even begin to imagine how tragic that has been for everyone– victims, families, survivors, first responders. I’m so angry that one person chose to destroy so many lives. I’m in awe of the stories of real heroes that have emerged of the many people that threw themselves on top of others to protect them. God bless them all. 

Today found out more about the suicide in my building. I didn’t know the man- had actually never seen him. He used a bunch of fentanyl patches. I’d never thought about that before. Looks especially potent when mixed with alcohol. That would be too easy.


I can’t stop seeing Jason’s face. I’ve stared at him in my pictures and in his photos from Facebook. He looks so alive and intelligent and sprightly. I keep thinking about how he looked all those hours that I was with him, lifeless, on the mountain.

I don’t know where God is in all of this.

I have this urgent and overwhelming need to escape. Like I need to walk away from everything…


Published September 18, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Things are getting worse and worse. I’m getting worse and worse. I’m so full of hate and anger- and most of it is directed toward myself. Every single day, I self-medicate. Nearly every week for a while now, I’ve gone even further.

I cried all day long today. I was walking and crying and talking with God. I was asking God what’s wrong with me. Why am I all alone? Why can’t I keep friends? Then, of course, I asked God to take me. Again. I tried to reason with him- telling him how I’m no good here. I’m no good to anyone or for anyone.  I’m not helping anyone with my life. I’m not pointing anyone to God. Not a single soul on this earth is benefitting from me. I’m absolutley useless. And then there’s just my own selfish point of view. My life is hard. It’s lonely. I’m struggling with all these traumatic issues and I’m struggling financially and I don’t ever see that changing. I just don’t have it in me to keep fighting and clawing my way through life. 

But I need to return to the fact that there must be something wrong with me- with the fact that I can’t keep friendships. I am the common denominator here. I’m not blind to that fact. I question myself constantly. I wonder if the shortcomings that I see in others are really my own? 

I know I’ve purposely withdrawn from everyone– people I’m close to, people I barely know…

I have a good friend that I lost today. I have point blank told her straight up that I need her, that I’m suicidal…and she still can’t seem to find not even 10 minutes to spend with me. I keep thinking I must be unreasonable in some way, that I must be doing something wrong to push her away…maybe I am and I’m too blind to see? I have a feeling my roommate (her friend) has been filling her head with negativity about me. Maybe I’m being paranoid- maybe that’s not the case. But I can’t figure anything else out. I’ve asked her over and over and over again to simply hang out, meet for drinks, meet up for dinner…every single time the answer is no. Yet, she has time to meet up with other friends. So I thought maybe I just wasn’t communicating my desperation, the seriousness of my current situation…I thought if I did that, surely she could repriorotize and find some time for me. So, in March, after battling this depression alone for 8 months, I finally told her everything I was struggling with. She acted all concerned at the time, but then I didn’t see her for 4 months. After so many ******** these last 2 months, I decided to reach out to her again. She’s my oldest and closest friend here. You would think she would want to help. But to my shock…no. And I’m having a hard time digesting that. 

Today, I sent her a message. I told her again how I’m suicidal and really need her friendship right now. I honestly give up. I should have given up a long time ago. Our “friendship” has dwindled over the years. She’s always been too busy to spend any time. I just thought maybe she would repriorotize for once and go out of her way to make some time. Obviously, I’m wrong. And truthfully, that’s devastating. It simply confirms my inner dialogue that says no one cares, I’m worth nothing, I’m not even worth an hour of anyone’s time. This truth hurts and tears away at me, disintegrating my insides. But it is truth. I need to man up and deal with it. 

This does make me incredibly grateful for some amazing friends that I do have. The problem is that every single one of those friends is very, very far away. There’s only so much they can do. But they are amazing people and have taught me how incredible friendship can be. I’m learning from all of them. I’m learning a lot. 

I’m even to the point of thinking about moving away from here. I have no one here. I feel so isolated that it’s ridiculous. And yet, when I think about it, I know it won’t solve any of my problems. I’d love to live closer to a best friend- but all my friends are married and do have lives full of work, spouses, children, other concerns. I’m afraid to expect too much from anyone. I know people can’t solve my problems anyway. I’m really not expecting them to. 
I know I need to look to God. I asked him to take me tonight- like, take my life. I’ve asked that so many times and have gotten frustrated so many times because he hasn’t. After almost immediately realizing God wouldn’t be doing that for me, I then asked him to take my life- as in, use it. Use it for others. Use it for his kingdom. I don’t see how God can (nor will) use someone as lame and weak and useless as I am. And I also know that truthfully…I’ve been running from God. I’ve had my back turned to him and every time he even taps me on the shoulder, I take off running. I’m not quite sure what that’s all about. But I know I’m the one to blame. With everything. And everyone. I own that. 

Friends or no friends, alone or with someone by my side… 

I don’t know that I can carry on…

It should have been me. 

Published September 5, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I just had a fantastic weekend traveling, hiking, camping, and most importantly, enjoying God’s absolutely beautiful and spectacular creation. 

I tried to listen to God and kept hearing two things in particular. Love and identity. His love for me. I’ve been getting this message for a while now and I wonder why I’m still getting it. Maybe I’m not getting it? Maybe I still need to hear it. 

And then, identity. I am His. I am in His family, I am His child, His daughter. This is one that I know I struggle with. I know it, I accept it…I don’t know that I’ve fully absorbed it or internalized it. 

Then, I come home to chatter around my apartment complex about a suicide over the weekend and the heavy police presence. I immediately think “it should have been me.” I thought that about 12 times in 5 minutes. It should have been me. 

I’m flooded with a mix of emotions. I’m so sad for the person. I wonder if I saw them- like truly saw them…in their misery, in their sadness. Did I really see them? I can say that I’ve been wrapped up in my own world, purposely not even making eye contact with people. So maybe I never saw this person. And that’s my fault.

I remember years ago, before I wanted desperately to die, meeting a lady in the dog park whose teenager was suicidal. I talked with her for many hours, many times. Once I spotted the same dog with a teenager and knew it had to be her. I purposely went up to this girl, was friendly, and as positive as I could be- given the fact that I was a stranger to her. I never saw her again. They moved to be closer to the girl’s dad. 

I wonder about this person who committed suicide…who they were, what they were struggling with, for how long? 

And I’m so ashamed to admit this…but part of me is jealous. They had the courage to go through with it. I have not. Some might call it other names besides courage. I see it as they did something that I want and wish I could do. I am sad for them though. I wished they had people to listen to them, people who could hear them out when they were sad, friends who would be there for them. Y’know, friends don’t even need to say a word- just be there. I wonder if this person ever reached out- but I surely don’t condone them if they didn’t. I understand that with depression, all you want to do is withdraw. Withdrawing is so much easier…on everyone. 

And now…now I’m crying for this person. I feel so, so bad. I wish I could have done something. Said something. Cared for them in some way- no matter how trite it might have seemed. If only I had seen them. Or known them. I just prayed for their soul and will continue to. 

I wonder about this weekend now. I left the state because I had plans too. Plans I was trying to avoid carrying out. I went far away with no means- no firearm, no pills (except for sleeping pills), no alcohol, no nothing. I even had my little pup with me so I’m forced to think about his well-being (and be less inclined to do something detrimental). 

But what if I was here this past weekend? I wonder how differently and how much more profoundly this would have affected me if I was in the middle of all the chaos and confusion? Was God protecting me by having me leave?

And now I feel guilty. I feel terrible for having such a great weekend, for actually being happy for once…when someone else was suffering so terribly and lived so close by. I really do wish it was me. It really should have been me. Not them. 😓 

I’m two drinks in and I feel terrible. I want to turn to God, to talk to him about this. But for some reason, my inclination is to hide . I don’t know why… but I don’t want to face home. Not now .