My father was a sexual predator
Bad blood runs deep
Rage, hatred, disgust, shame
My father was a sexual predator
Bad blood runs deep
Rage, hatred, disgust, shame
I feel so weird. Extraordinarily detached. I’m not feeling a thing. My thoughts seem to float. Detached. No connection. The perfect time Too easy.
Shame is what we focused on- being ashamed of who my father is…that I’m so closely related to a sexual predator, a criminal.
I saw myself walking on the sidewalk next to the building where I work. This massive black tar-like substance began slowing oozing down from the entire building. It was one giant encompassing entity. I think it was shame. It suddenly changed from slow moving to a quickly engulfing tidal wave that swept me up into a whirlpool. A deep black whirlpool. I was caught up in the enormous swirling blackness. Then I noticed the sky turning white. It was a stark contrast to the blackness of the giant whirlpool. I thought maybe the white sky might be God. I saw a red rose floating around in a downward trajectory. I want to die so I laid back in the black whirlpool and floated on my back- giving up, wanting to drown or be swallowed up by this.
The rose drifted down and landed on my chest. I was distracted by it- I kept looking at it laying on my chest, but also kept laying my head back and floating, in an effort to give up. I realized the rose was sticking to my chest- like the tentacles of an octopus. I tried prying an edge of it off- one rose petal- and as soon as I let go, it would reattach itself.
I remembered that the red rose had made an appearance before, but I can’t remember what I thought it represented. This time I kept getting the phrase, “Word of God” over and over and I kept picturing my new Bible. So perhaps the rose that’s attached itself to my chest represents the Word of God. As I realize that, I think it begins to embed itself in me.
I notice the black whirlpool begins to swirl with a milky white liquid, mixing with the blackness. The white seems to overtake the black and soon the whirlpool is white with only traces of blackness through it.
The spinning of the whirlpool begins to slow. I hadn’t noticed before, but the level of it had lowered. The next thing I know, I’m laying on the wet ground- soggy grass wet with a milky white substance. The waters of the whirlpool had so gently dissipated that I barely noticed it.
I don’t want to get up- I’m curious to see what’s around me, but I feel lazy, maybe just exhausted- I don’t want to even lift my head. I feel like God is telling me to get up and go. But I don’t want to. It becomes clear that it’s ok for me to stay there for a while and as I do, the grass becomes less and less soggy as the milky liquid is absorbed into the ground.
I can’t remember correctly.
I think I sit up and begin to look around and I see nothing in all directions around me. I see a weird scene as short, sharp grass seems to be in blue ground. The word “wasteland” comes to mind. There’s nothing out there in any direction. It’s a barren wasteland. As I stand up, the landscape turns more and more bleak. There’s still nothing but everything continues to dry up- like the desert of Mad Max and the Thunderdome. I look down as I feel something heavy and awkward on my feet. I see sandals on my feet- but super old school ones like Jesus would wear. I feel something in my hand but I can’t see it clearly. It feels like a heavy Bible or something- but an old leather covered one. The ground has now turned into a dry orange sand.
I can’t determine which way to go- which way God wants me to go. No matter where I turn, every direction looks the same. I think God needs to show me which way to go. I also think this is a long arduous journey- one that will take a while and that I clearly don’t have much to survive with. I see a vertical sliver of light off in the distance and think that must be the way to go. I slowly begin to move toward it. Again, I look down at my feet, the old sandals, and feel this big book-like thing cupped in my hand. I feel underequipped for what’s ahead.
As I move forward, two big masses of blackness come from either side up in the sky. They develop and swirl like clouds- but they reach from the top of the sky to the ground and even cover parts of the ground. They’re ominous and threatening. I can still see a path to follow in the sand though. I can still look above the blackness and see the little sliver of light to follow. So I continue.
Then…giant evil faces emerge from the blackness. On both sides, I see deep red eyes and huge, deep red grimaces. They’re laughing at me and threatening me. I hear the word “black” over and over rhythmically and as I do, I picture my wrist, a gun, my wrist, laying back floating in the ocean, Chicago, my wrist, ….
I can now see nothing but blackness. It’s grown to cover every inch of the ground. The path is obscured. Images of suicide are everywhere…surrounding and engulfing me.
I am so frustrating. Not frustrated. Frustrating. I’m annoying myself. God knows what it’s doing to other people.
I’m so lonely and yet I want to be left alone. I want to be with people, yet I really, really don’t.
I feel this urgent, overwhelming NEED to cut everyone and everything off. Friends, church, work, family, acquaintances, even…
…even my little dog. I see it as a necessary step before the end. It’s something that will make things easier…it’ll make it hurt less for everyone- for others and for myself. The further away I am, the less it will hurt everyone when life ends. And if things don’t end, well then I guess I’m isolated. And that’s ok.
I despise that every thought, every feeling I have is negative. I’m frustrating myself with that. Why can’t I simply be happy or even content? I feel like a shitty person for not being happy. It must be that I’m selfish or self-centered or that I don’t care enough about others -enough to displace myself from my own thoughts.
I can’t accept the fact that my father was a sexual predator. I thought I was accepting it- even as it was turning my world upside down and ripping me apart. My blood line, my lineage, my heritage- my own dad. I can’t accept it- even though I know it’s the truth. I don’t want to be the child of a sexual predator. I’m so ashamed. I thought my shame was from my experiences of sexual abuse and rape. And some of it definitely is. But knowing my dad, my family member preyed on others- that’s too much. I’m ashamed and deeply saddened over this- to the point that I simply can’t take it.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I have to do something- this is too miserable and I can’t fake it nor take it anymore. No one ever understands when people feel like they have no other choice. I don’t want to be here.
The truth is surely difficult to swallow. 😣 I still don’t want to believe it. And I still want to think he was somehow a good person.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes since Friday. I’m doing a terrible job of taking care of my little pup. I’ve been a horrible “friend” to people lately. It cannot go on like this.
This tree towers above the gravesites of my dad, grandmother, and grandfather. When my dad died, my mom had me climb that tree and put orchids and bromeliads up there in honor of my dad. The orchids didn’t last, but all those bromeliads are still there. For some reason, this makes me feel full of mixed negative emotions…not sure why.
I made this for my dad when he was being decimated by cancer. The letters are shaky and messed up. For the first time ever, seeing this hanging in my mom’s house irritated and angered me.
I passed by this and was struck by how much it reminds me of myself- deformed, dejected, despondent, frumpy.
This was an extemely emotional session- I was crying before I even went in (about other stuff though). I feel so deeply tired, like I can’t move my body. Almost like I’m drunk, my body feels numb and tingly and heavy.
We had a discussion about what’s real or not in EMDR and how could Jesus be bringing forward my dad if I don’t even think my dad’s in heaven. If it’s not real, then how can this bring healing? This was important to discuss because it’s even distracting me during sessions. I wonder how much of what’s happening during EMDR is just wishful thinking on my part and how much of it is real healing that’s occurring. So we only did 20 minutes of actual EMDR.
I realize I have new anger with my dad- so much more than before. I’m incredibly angry about the life his actions have taken and the multiple lives it’s ruined.
We picked up where we left off- my dad was there with a sad face and big, questioning eyes, (waiting for me to either forgive or accept him or hug him or something) and Jesus was behind me. I pushed myself back into Jesus- not wanting to move toward my dad and wanting to rest/ rely on Jesus or to know that he’s still there for me.
Jesus and I were standing the same pool of water. The water changed from blue to red, as I was avoiding looking at Jesus because I really wasn’t ready to move toward my dad. I remembered that Jesus nudged me the last time to go toward my dad, but since I didn’t feel ready, I felt ashamed to look Jesus in the face.
The red crept up from the water and moved into the sky and everything became a deep red- I thought Jesus was leaving, but I remembered that’s what the color purple represents. I’m not sure what the red was all about.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see green grass sprouting up.
Out of the green, blooms a single yellow orchid (which reminds me of my dad because he grew orchids- there’s even a brown orchid with a fuchsia and yellow center named after my dad, called the Charlie Orchid.)
I turn to ask Jesus to help out here- to help me understand what my uncle is saying. I think I forgot some parts that happened in between…but I see my uncle smile like I have literally never seen him smile before and he gives a side hug to my dad, who’s also smiling. I immediately think it’s fake. This isn’t real- there’s no way everything is all hunky dory between them. (This is where I question the veracity of EMDR).
? I don’t remember, but I think I look back at Jesus to see if this (my dad and uncle hugging and smiling) is real- to get confirmation. Jesus looks different this time though. He looks like a real person- not like the glowing light he was before.
⬆️⬇️ don’t know which happened first
? At some point, I’m avoiding looking at Jesus and I look down and play around with the water, letting my hands glide over the top of the blue water. The water slowly turns white. After all the water turns white, where Jesus and I are standing together, the water begins to glow a warm yellow. I feel warmth on my back where Jesus is. I think I turn to see him. And then I turn back to see where my uncle and dad are- it’s like I’m checking to make sure they’re not the same- like there are no tricks or anything. (?)
I look directly at Jesus and ask him to talk to me, I ask, “What do you want me to know?” He says in the most convincing, sincere and compassionate way I’ve ever heard, “I LOVE you.” He continues, “I’m here with you… (and he says something else and something else- I can’t remember)…and “choose life. Choose MY life.” Jesus hugs me and holds me and says the same things all over again. I’m confused with what he means by choose “my life.” I ask him and he says, to choose the life that he has for me. I ask him to explain to me how to do that, to show me that. In response, I no longer see any visuals- I hear “scriptures” over and over again. I’m mildly annoyed by this because it’s a vague answer and It’s always been hard for me to discern the meaning or the direction that some scriptures point you in. But “scripture” was the very clear answer.
It’s been an emotional couple of days. I feel like I’m very much at fault. For almost a year now, I’ve been incredibly irritable and I’m afraid I’m taking it out on others. I feel terrible and I’m very disappointed in myself.
Then there’s my upcoming trip. I need to take off and get out of here. But the last time I spent a few minutes alone, my mind shocked me by taking a dark turn so quickly. I probably spent about an hour sitting on that hill and couldn’t believe I was back to suicide so fast.
I’m a bit worried about my 2+ day drive alone and all the thoughts that are bound to run through my mind. Half of me is worried and concerned for my well-being. But the other half is at peace and has come to terms with the fact that death is inevitable. However, I’m hoping the destination and looking forward to seeing my 2 year old niece and my new nephew will give me enough to get there. That drive back though! Smh. I don’t even want to think about it. Today was the first full day I’ve had by myself in weeks. I spent nearly the whole day in bed. Truthfully, I really need the rest, but the way my thoughts have boomeranged back and forth today alone is surprising. Sleeping pills and wine have been dinner for the last two nights.
I can’t say what the rest of the summer holds…
I just want to focus on getting through the next few days. Father’s Day blows. I’m trying my best to keep positive so I wrote something I thought was encouraging on Instagram today. It is true that no matter how disappointing or even abusive our earthly fathers are, our true father is God in Heaven. He’s the epitome of what a father should be. And WE HAVE THAT. I need to focus more on that. But it was so hard for me to stay positive that it took me an hour and a half to write that one post!! Oh Lawd. It’s been increasingly difficult to write positively on there.
The next few days and months will be