Christianity

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Rant

Published August 4, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Rant coming. Go away if you don’t feel like listening to someone whine and bitch and complain. Seriously. Go. TF. Away. Cause I need to do this.

I am so, so angry and so incredibly hurt. I don’t know how to handle it. I’m sick of people who don’t have not one f**king hour to stop and take the time. I really hate this. 

I don’t even like this place anymore. The allure is gone. I guess it’s because when I’m here, every thing I see, every place reminds me of being alone. The word “desolate” comes to mind over and over again. It’s like a barren desert for my heart and my soul. There’s nothing here. 

So as I was just in two different places these last few weeks, I thought about moving there. But I realized that wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t make me happy. Nothing will. 

I fantasized about quitting my job, taking what little I have in an IRA, and disappearing. I thought maybe I could leave the country- maybe go live on a cheap island somewhere. My IRA money would probably only last a year. But maybe I could try to be happy and escape stress for just one year. 

But it wouldn’t work, would it? I’d be partially content exploring a new location for maybe a week- tops. Then, the same loneliness, the same sadness, the same depression, isolation, confusion, being unwanted, worthlessness…all that would still be there. So I guess there’s no point in trying. 

I just drove 30+ hours without a sound. I didn’t listen to anything….I just thought and thought and thought. It was so quiet in my car…and yet, inside I was raging. It reminded me of this movie I just saw where this little child who is adopted rages uncontrollably. I saw myself sitting there in defeaning silence and yet, seeing the inside of me, which was nothing but chaos. 

The movie I saw was “Lion.” I watched it twice. It’s was incredibly compelling. The flashbacks of the main character were represented so well- how we’re in the present moment, but relive a past moment, and then are left in the present as if we were still in the past. I’m sure that doesn’t make sense. But the character I identified most with was not the main character- it was his adopted brother. When the family adopted his brother, the little boy raged- he screamed, yelled, cried. That’s EXACTLY how I see myself. Raging uncontrollably…inside. 

I just told someone how I wanted to slip overboard in the dead of night. There were three different nights- the last one was so close. The air and water temperatures had chilled considerably and I thought hypothermia was a viable possibility for a timely expiration. I was only stopped because someone accidentally walked up on it. Then I told them how I stayed in my car overnight in the middle of nowhere and how I was awoken by tornado sirens at 5 something in the morning. I saw all the semi trucks start up and scatter and I wondered how they knew which way to go to escape a tornado. They all quickly disappeared in the torrential downpour. I decided to lay back down and I told God to take me. I listened to tornado sirens for a solid 20 minutes. Hard rain. Lots of wind. Nothing else. The person I told laughed- I guess they thought I was joking. 😳

I feel like I had just started to trust human beings again. We’re truly horrible, terrible creatures, if you think about it. Only humans are capable of the most insane atrocities that could ever be imagined. But my trust is gone. People use words to appease. But I’m not stupid enough to believe it anymore. 

I think…I don’t know. I mean, I know we’re “created” for community. And that explains a human being’s longing for connection and interaction with other humans. And not surprisingly, that’s the core cause of addiction- the need for people to connect with something. Addicts didn’t have healthy relationships, healthy connections- but the desire was so deep, so desperate to connect- that they chose to connect with anything they could.

I’ve not connnected for years (minus the connecting I had just started to do)…and even though the loneliness was killing me, at least I never got hurt. People hurt. People disappoint. People say one thing, then do another that’s entirely contradicting. People simply can’t be trusted. And I’m ok with that. That’s why I don’t trust. It’s a simple concept- you start to trust, you get hurt. I know people aren’t perfect. I’m not expecting them to be. But, damn. 

I don’t want to feel this anymore. The only way to ensure I don’t feel this again is to simply not trust. It’s easy. Maybe too easy. And I know…not the “healthiest” choice. But whatever. I have NOT A SOUL to fall back on. I’m not married, no children, very very few family members still alive. I’ve got no one. So when I’m hurt, I’m left with nothing but myself and God. 

And lately, he’s not talking to me. I’ve asked him why he let that happen, why he couldn’t just fix things…

And I get nothing. 

Silence.

Now…that’s not new for God and I. I know he’s there. I feel like he doesn’t like talking with me that much. And he surely doesn’t like appeasing me. 

So here I am. 

Nothing but broken bits. So smashed that the pieces will never be whole again. 

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Death is…

Published July 13, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Holy God. That was the most difficult thing I’ve done in forever! It makes me REALLY APPRECIATE and I mean, really appreciate people who do this for a living. 

I just visited with a woman who is dying of cancer. We cried. We talked. We cried and talked some more. She cried out to God multiple times, asking him, “Why?! Why me?” And she softly said, “He never answers.”  This made my heart instantly overflow with deep sadness.

I felt powerless to help in any capacity whatsoever. 

She echoed so many sentiments that I feel myself- and yet it made me feel like I didn’t have the right to feel the same way- because my situation isn’t as severe and it’s not as permanent.

She cried as she told me how scared she was. She said it over and over. She’s mad at God too. She doesn’t want to leave her loved ones here on earth.

She said she felt selfish for wanting Rob to not leave- like she needs his support, she needs him present there with her. She talked over and over again about the night they had drinks out on her back deck. They need to do that again. 

Like seriously…I want to pay for a plane ticket for Rob to come back and spend time with her. His company made her so happy…I can relate to that. And I want to give her that again. 

She is an absolutely amazing woman. I was in awe of her, truly. She possesses a bravery that I’ll never have. 

I really do pray for healing for her. I pray that God takes away her pain (she cried as she talked about the pain). I pray that God breathes through her entire body and annihilates every speck of cancer that there is. I pray God sees fit to give her at least a few more years of life that she can enjoy. I pray the Holy Spirit gives her peace and even joy during this time. I pray that God will take away the fear and anxiety that she has about dying and her short future. And I pray that the Holy Spirit would move in her husband’s heart to bring him to know, truly know Jesus.

I silently prayed that God would give me her cancer and let her live carefree. I’ve prayed this already about three times now- even before I met her. I prayed it for another friend (long before I wanted to die) and I’m dead ass serious about it. I don’t play around with shit like that. Even as I drove to see her, I was thinking about it- how people can say that, but if it would come down to physically doing it, how many actually would. With my other friend, I prayed this for the future too. If his cancer ever came back, if I was alive…no matter how happy I might be, no matter how much I might be enjoying life- I told God that I would take his cancer in his place for the remainder of my time here on earth. I’m disheartened to feel like it’s a futile prayer. I don’t think God does that. I mean, think of how many times parents who have had children with terminal illnesses have prayed that they would give their life for their child. And does it ever happen? How many times have we heard of a child with a terminal illness magically and unexplainably getting better while their parent fell ill? 

I don’t understand God. I’ve said that before. I know I’ll understand him when I get to heaven and hopefully, things will make more sense. 

But for now, we’re here. Please pray for Annette. 

Published June 23, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Regardless of how this post ends, today was actually a pretty good day. And I am so grateful for that! Things went smoother than expected and I got a lot done. Most importantly, I spent time reading through and praying through a series of prayers. It was pretty amazing. It fed me with strength, love for our God, connection with the Spirit, and hope for the future. I want to read/ pray through that often. I need it. I spent most of the day in this frame of mind. It was refreshing. I almost don’t even want to write this next part. 

I’m doing everything in my power to see my friends one final time. That’s important to me. And if I don’t get to, then… that’s just how it is. 

I’m full of conflicted feelings, mentalities, and outlooks. I’m trying to look on the bright side of what’s waiting back home for me: a great (albeit stressful) job with kids that I love, a super awesome church with some pretty great people and an amazing pastor, counseling which could lead to healing, and a new place- the nicest place I have ever lived in. Not to mention, I live in one of the most beautiful states in this country. But when I think of driving back home, leaving my friends and family behind, I think of emptiness. Like there’s nothing for me back there. Nothing. And then I find myself comforted again by the idea of the end…in a remote, quiet, never to be found location.

I sat outside this evening in the rain, observing, listening to, and enjoying nature in all its beauty. I imagined dying when it’s raining. It’s like maybe…  God would be weeping with me. 

EMDR 3

Published June 21, 2017 by Chloe Madison

This was an extemely emotional session- I was crying before I even went in (about other stuff though). I feel so deeply tired, like I can’t move my body. Almost like I’m drunk, my body feels numb and tingly and heavy.

We had a discussion about what’s real or not in EMDR and how could Jesus be bringing forward my dad if I don’t even think my dad’s in heaven. If it’s not real, then how can this bring healing? This was important to discuss because it’s even distracting me during sessions. I wonder how much of what’s happening during EMDR is just wishful thinking on my part and how much of it is real healing that’s occurring. So we only did 20 minutes of actual EMDR.

I realize I have new anger with my dad- so much more than before. I’m incredibly angry about the life his actions have taken and the multiple lives it’s ruined.

We picked up where we left off- my dad was there with a sad face and big, questioning eyes, (waiting for me to either forgive or accept him or hug him or something) and Jesus was behind me. I pushed myself back into Jesus- not wanting to move toward my dad and wanting to rest/ rely on Jesus or to know that he’s still there for me.

Jesus and I were standing the same pool of water. The water changed from blue to red, as I was avoiding looking at Jesus because I really wasn’t ready to move toward my dad. I remembered that Jesus nudged me the last time to go toward my dad, but since I didn’t feel ready, I felt ashamed to look Jesus in the face.

The red crept up from the water and moved into the sky and everything became a deep red- I thought Jesus was leaving, but I remembered that’s what the color purple represents. I’m not sure what the red was all about. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see green grass sprouting up.

Out of the green, blooms a single yellow orchid (which reminds me of my dad because he grew orchids- there’s even a brown orchid with a fuchsia and yellow center named after my dad, called the Charlie Orchid.) 

The Charlie Orchid


The grass morphs into the orchid plant and in fast forward motion, whole sprays of yellow orchids shoot out and bloom. I see a caretaker of the orchid plant- someone (only a shadow) bent over the plant. I think it might be my uncle (because he and his wife grew orchids after my dad died). It turns out it is my uncle. He looks up and talks, but I can’t hear him. I really want to hear what he’s saying so I tell him that I can’t hear him. He gets up close to me, smiles a great big smile and loudly says with a funny, sarcastic attitude, “What I said was…” and then he keeps talking but I can’t hear him again. His mouth moves, but he’s silent. 

I turn to ask Jesus to help out here- to help me understand what my uncle is saying. I think I forgot some parts that happened in between…but I see my uncle smile like I have literally never seen him smile before and he gives a side hug to my dad, who’s also smiling. I immediately think it’s fake. This isn’t real- there’s no way everything is all hunky dory between them. (This is where I question the veracity of EMDR). 
? I don’t remember, but I think I look back at Jesus to see if this (my dad and uncle hugging and smiling) is real- to get confirmation. Jesus looks different this time though. He looks like a real person- not like the glowing light he was before. 

⬆️⬇️ don’t know which happened first 

? At some point, I’m avoiding looking at Jesus and I look down and play around with the water, letting my hands glide over the top of the blue water. The water slowly turns white. After all the water turns white, where Jesus and I are standing together, the water begins to glow a warm yellow. I feel warmth on my back where Jesus is. I think I turn to see him. And then I turn back to see where my uncle and dad are- it’s like I’m checking to make sure they’re not the same- like there are no tricks or anything. (?)

I look directly at Jesus and ask him to talk to me, I ask, “What do you want me to know?” He says in the most convincing, sincere and compassionate way I’ve ever heard, “I LOVE you.” He continues, “I’m here with you… (and he says something else and something else- I can’t remember)…and “choose life. Choose MY life.” Jesus hugs me and holds me and says the same things all over again. I’m confused with what he means by choose “my life.” I ask him and he says, to choose the life that he has for me. I ask him to explain to me how to do that, to show me that. In response, I no longer see any visuals- I hear “scriptures” over and over again. I’m mildly annoyed by this because it’s a vague answer and It’s always been hard for me to discern the meaning or the direction that some scriptures point you in. But “scripture” was the very clear answer. 

EMDR session #1

Published June 10, 2017 by Chloe Madison

You’re supposed to focus on a picture of the most distressing part of the issue you’re dealing with. Then, you decide what’s the biggest negative feeling you have about it. I wept throughout this entire session- not sure why.

I have a picture in my head of my uncle’s suicide- his body laying face down in the grass, the stark contrast of the red blood on the green grass. 

The feeling I have is that I should have been more understanding of him, I should have known (what I didn’t know yet) about his abuse by my dad. I should have been more compassionate. 

I feel pain in my heart and chest- it blows up, swells, and feels like it’s going to burst. The pain moves up through my neck and into my head. I feel like my head is going to explode as the pain swells greater and greater. I feel like the explosion will come out of my eyes and my head will shatter. 

So I turn away from the sight because I can’t deal. I keep trying to move away and I feel like I start to float away from the scene. As much as I turn my head in that direction, wanting to move away from the scene of the suicide, I feel obligated to return. It’s the right thing to do. It’s like I just can’t turn my back on my uncle- it’s not his fault. 

I feel like I need to talk with my aunt to tell her the truth. (In reality, my uncle had been sexually abused my my dad when they were younger- my uncle told several people, but no one ever believed him. He spent most of his life depressed and eventually committed suicide). So I feel like I need to tell my aunt that my uncle was telling the truth. But I don’t want to because I’m afraid it will crush her. I see us talking in fast forward with no words.

We move into her house and we begin to become submerged in blue water that’s all throughout the house. The water stands for truth. We soak in the water up to our mouths- our entire bodies are submerged and part of our heads- up to the level of our mouths. We don’t talk anymore, we just soak in the truth. I can tell it’s going to take her time to take it all in (just like it took me time to digest everything). 

As we’re soaking in the blue water, I notice the sky turns a deep red. It becomes a dark maroon, like something foreboding is coming. But there’s a lighter, circular spot that develops in the sky. In the deep red sky, this lighter spot turns into an orange color, then fades into yellow. I feel like Jesus is going to come through that spot on a chariot or something. 

But I don’t let him. Even though I don’t have the power to stop God, I push back and don’t let him come out of the sky. The sky begins to turn a deep purple. I feel like it’s a signal that Jesus is permanently leaving. (The therapist says at this point that it’s our choice to follow Jesus and allow Him to work.) 

So I realize the mistake I’m making and I say, “Sorry! Come back, come back!” I don’t quite remember, but I think the sky turns from purple to orange. I rise up out of the blue pool to get a better look to see if Jesus is coming back. I keep rising up and as I do, I’m spinning and floating upwards, looking all around. I don’t see Jesus, but I get the feeling that he’s all around me. I look up, directly overhead and I see a circular area that’s made up of a whiter light (this reminds me of the very end of Twister when they look up into the middle of the tornado). I’m floating up into this white light. 

I feel like it could be God carrying me up into Heaven, perhaps for a visit. I want to visit my uncle and think that maybe I’ll see everyone there. I see the shadows of all my family members who have passed on. But then I see all the shadows of everyone fade and back away. One person floats forward (he’s a dark shadow with a bigger belly) so I think it’s my dad. I never see him clearly so I’m not sure. I wanted to check on my uncle so I keep thinking my dad will fade and my uncle will come forward. But it doesn’t happen. 

My dad keeps coming forward. He puts his arm around me, his hand on my shoulder and I think he says he needs to tell me something. He says, “I’m so very sorry.” Well, this is all I’ve ever wanted to hear! So I wonder if it’s real or imagined. I think I asked him if he apologized to my uncle…I wanted to make sure they’ve resolved things. He says, “I never meant to hurt you.” I think he said I love you. I don’t seem to receive these messages too warmly as I find myself still preoccupied with wanting to know if he’s resolved things with my uncle and if my uncle is ok. He asks me for forgiveness. I kind of hold off answering, almost like- well, if you apologized to Uncle Gary, then yes- if you didn’t, then no. I’m preoccupied with the injustice my uncle dealt with his entire life. Then my dad says, “Justice is not yours, it’s the Lord’s.” It makes me think of academy and wanting to help others get justice because my uncle never got it and I never did either. 

I tell my dad, “Of course I forgive you. I always have.” We go to hug, but I pause in the embrace. I question if it’s safe. I hold off hugging because I keep questioning the safety/ protection of the situation because it wasn’t safe before. I then see another person’s face- a giant sized face just floating there. This is a safe person, but I try to push that face away because it has nothing to do with the situation. The same giant face comes back again- this time the face itself is faded, but I recognize other facial features. I push it away again, thinking it doesn’t belong (except for the fact that it is a safe person). I can’t quite remember what happens next. 

I don’t know. I think we never fully hug. I think I inquire about my uncle again. My dad answers with something like- he did or said what he had to/ needed to me. (I notice we’re running out of time in the session.) I keep thinking my indecision to embrace or my indecision about whether hugging my dad is safe or questioning about my uncle is making Heaven impatient with me. The white light we’ve been in turns dark purple and I feel like I’m running out of time. They’re going to send me away. 

I descend back to Earth, back toward the pool of blue water. I look up and see my dad’s hand is reaching down to me. I reach up to him, but we’re too far away. God doesn’t let us touch or let us have more time. I keep descending and his hand fades away. 

I can see my aunt again in the water with me. I ask her if she understands now. There’s no response. I’m distracted by the sky turning orange. I see a light circular spot developing again in the sky. I think it’s Jesus coming back. I can’t remember, but I think I decide that  I don’t want to push him away again. 

I think it ends there. I’m not sure. I don’t remember. 

No sé, Jose

Published June 7, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Dumbest, most vague post ever. The only thing I can think of is “I don’t know.” Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? Things are happening too fast, I feel like I’m in a whirlwind and I couldn’t tell you what’s going on inside of me. I am so confused. 

I’m just not sure I can trust what people say- or even what they do. 

I have all these intruding suicidal thoughts in mid conversation. It’s incredibly distracting. I’m trying so hard to push them out of my head. But it happens so often that it’s difficult. I surprised myself by laughing a couple of times today…and then it’s like reality instantly snaps me out of happiness and back to depression and death.

I just don’t know… 


I know this makes sense to no one, not even myself really. But I’ve got to get this out somehow, some way. 

I feel so…I don’t know…awkward, suspicious…wanted yet unwanted, loved and yet not. I feel so unsure of myself here in this place. I feel like it might be better if I go. I just don’t know. Like I said, I’m feeling very confused. My heart very literally hurts not knowing, not being sure- worrying and fearing the worst. I mean, it’s a definite possibility and it’s been alluded to…so it’s not like I’m imagining things. I just don’t want to make people mad or to make anyone turn against me. 

There. That’s it. Nothing interesting. Although…one amazing thing happened that a friend shared- where God worked in an absolutely incredible and surprising way. I will say that is very encouraging to me, even though it has nothing to do with me. To be able to see God work so miraculousy is always a good thing, right? So as confused as I may feel, I can always try to stay focused on the positive, stay focused on Jesus, focus on His love and the unending grace of God. Right?