death

All posts tagged death

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Published August 13, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I wrote a long post last night and was too embarrassed to publish it. It was about feeling unwanted, left out, and not fitting in. 

I have no handle, like no idea what’s wrong with me. I mean, I know what issues I’m dealing with. I just don’t understand how that reflects or translates on to the public or relationships. 

My thought is that If I survive this (which is not likely), then I’ll be destined to a life of a recluse. I just don’t see it panning out any other way. 

I have nothing to offer anyone. Even to someone who’s hurting…it should be relatively easy to help or do something that can make a hurting person’s day better. Am I wrong? Maybe I am. I’m just so empty inside. Hollow isn’t even a strong enough word to describe it…it’s more like a huge vacuum. I just have absolutely nothing to offer. 

I’m on a plane right now and we’re over the ocean. I think how beautiful it is and how much I wish our plane would go down. I surely don’t want to hurt anyone else, but it seems fitting for my life to end. 

Defunct. This is the word I think of when I think of how I’m going to keep functioning in society. Things are getting worse and worse. I’m getting worse and worse. More and more depressed, more dysfunctional in relationships, more socially dysfunctional, less able to function as an adult. God. This is why I don’t see anything ending “well.” 

I feel like I’m beyond help. No one can fix this. 

DNR

Published July 30, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Completely devastated….   The real truth hurts. And it’s hitting me really, really hard.  😖 Words so empty and hollow that only now am I feeling the painful echo.

My head and my heart are writhing as this reality sinks in. I feel so defeated.

Utterly and hopelessly alone.

.

I don’t understand how people are expected to make a comeback after things like this. “Things” are all these experiences in life of abuse/ rape. I just don’t know how people do it. It seems impossible to me.

I don’t want to go home. There’s no such place as “home.” 

I don’t want to face another birthday alone. Is that all there is to life? Every meal alone. Day after day alone. Weeks, months, years. I’ve been alone now for eight years. 

EIGHT.  

YEARS. 

You can’t act like there’s hope just around the corner or hope in God. It NEVER f*cking comes. Everything just continues to deteriorate. This hopelessness is not life. I refuse to do this.

Chester Bennington

Published July 21, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I don’t want to speak much on Chester’s suicide with the exception of my thoughts on those condemning his actions. 

I’ve seen too much negativity online- everything from outright anger at him to people saying he was inconsiderate of his children and fans.

Before you speak or post, you need to stop and think what else there was that you may or may not know anything about. I’m particularly irritated and hurt by those who knew him, who knew he had issues he was dealing with like being sexually abused/ raped and they STILL chose to publicly condemn him. 

Depression is one thing. Add the component of being sexually abused and you’ve got a whole other animal you’re dealing with. 

People can’t understand unless they’ve been there- stop being so quick to judge when you have NO IDEA wtf you’re talking about. Try to have some compassion and understanding. I’m not saying suicide is the right way, but don’t be so quick to condemn those who go down that path, especially in a moment of despondency.

With sex abuse, there’s a whole other component that can change the core of your psychological being. I’m not saying God can’t overcome that or heal that- of course He can. But understand that it’s more than depression that’s being dealt with. And even if you have been sexually abused, it affects people differently, depending on a whole slew of factors- exactly what occurred, if the offender was known, if a support system was present, if there were multiple offenders or multiple occurrences…I could probably list 10-12 more items here that would affect how people process it differently. That doesn’t even matter. 

Just please treat everyone with respect. Have compassion for both the living and the dead. Help people, don’t hurt them. 

Published July 20, 2017 by Chloe Madison

My head is exploding with the biggest headache ever. It’s been a while since I’ve eaten and I just had a few glasses of wine. Just a few…and yet I feel so crazy and happy:

I’ve finally arrived and just saw my friend. The first thing she said was, “Have you lost weight??” I seriously don’t think it’s that noticeable- if at all. But I told her yes, it’s just from stress. That’s the line I’ve been using on everyone. I mean, it’s true. But right away she asked if it was about a guy. When I said no, she assumed I had a health issue. I joked, “yeah, a mental health issue!” She laughed but didn’t take me seriously…she kept digging in about my health and what was wrong with me. Seriously….I don’t look that bad, do I? 

I’m so disappointed in myself. I thought I had turned a new leaf. I can’t even count how many times I thought of ending everything today. Just thoughts… but still, I’m disappointed. 

I was at a rest stop in NY. There’s a walkway that goes over the interstate that people need to walk across to reach the restrooms and food. I was taken aback by the view of walking right across the interstate and seeing semi trucks whizz by right underneath. I thought how easy it would be to jump…the semi would never see it coming. No one would have a chance to stop, no one would even realize what they were running over. And then…

I saw the latches on the windows I was looking out of. Holy God! These windows open!! You really could very easily commit suicide here! You could easily open these windows and drop out- you’d be run over by 8-9 cars and semis before anyone even realized what happened. So tempting…

Then there were the times I was just nonchalantly driving along… and I came upon an overpass of some sort- I’d think, just veer off the road, fly off this curve, your car would disappear and aside from a broken highway barrier, there would be no sign that anything happened. I imagined hitting trees, submerging in water, tumbling down hillsides or disappearing into ravines. 

I can’t even keep my problems inside anymore. They just pour out of me- I feel like a raving lunatic- and just like a raving lunatic, I can’t stop myself. 

I hope no one goes through this, I hope no person ever has to feel this pain. This is not life. 

Death is…

Published July 13, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Holy God. That was the most difficult thing I’ve done in forever! It makes me REALLY APPRECIATE and I mean, really appreciate people who do this for a living. 

I just visited with a woman who is dying of cancer. We cried. We talked. We cried and talked some more. She cried out to God multiple times, asking him, “Why?! Why me?” And she softly said, “He never answers.”  This made my heart instantly overflow with deep sadness.

I felt powerless to help in any capacity whatsoever. 

She echoed so many sentiments that I feel myself- and yet it made me feel like I didn’t have the right to feel the same way- because my situation isn’t as severe and it’s not as permanent.

She cried as she told me how scared she was. She said it over and over. She’s mad at God too. She doesn’t want to leave her loved ones here on earth.

She said she felt selfish for wanting Rob to not leave- like she needs his support, she needs him present there with her. She talked over and over again about the night they had drinks out on her back deck. They need to do that again. 

Like seriously…I want to pay for a plane ticket for Rob to come back and spend time with her. His company made her so happy…I can relate to that. And I want to give her that again. 

She is an absolutely amazing woman. I was in awe of her, truly. She possesses a bravery that I’ll never have. 

I really do pray for healing for her. I pray that God takes away her pain (she cried as she talked about the pain). I pray that God breathes through her entire body and annihilates every speck of cancer that there is. I pray God sees fit to give her at least a few more years of life that she can enjoy. I pray the Holy Spirit gives her peace and even joy during this time. I pray that God will take away the fear and anxiety that she has about dying and her short future. And I pray that the Holy Spirit would move in her husband’s heart to bring him to know, truly know Jesus.

I silently prayed that God would give me her cancer and let her live carefree. I’ve prayed this already about three times now- even before I met her. I prayed it for another friend (long before I wanted to die) and I’m dead ass serious about it. I don’t play around with shit like that. Even as I drove to see her, I was thinking about it- how people can say that, but if it would come down to physically doing it, how many actually would. With my other friend, I prayed this for the future too. If his cancer ever came back, if I was alive…no matter how happy I might be, no matter how much I might be enjoying life- I told God that I would take his cancer in his place for the remainder of my time here on earth. I’m disheartened to feel like it’s a futile prayer. I don’t think God does that. I mean, think of how many times parents who have had children with terminal illnesses have prayed that they would give their life for their child. And does it ever happen? How many times have we heard of a child with a terminal illness magically and unexplainably getting better while their parent fell ill? 

I don’t understand God. I’ve said that before. I know I’ll understand him when I get to heaven and hopefully, things will make more sense. 

But for now, we’re here. Please pray for Annette. 

Published July 11, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I don’t know what’s wrong with me- maybe it’s the fact that I’m buzzed, but I pretty much despise myself. I’m one of the most selfish, self-absorbed people I know. It’s horrible and I’m ashamed. There’s nothing good, nothing redemptive, just plain nothing. 

I have nothing to offer, 

I’m so angry it physically hurts 

truth is I don’t give a @*!# I just @!*#ing hate everyone right now. I don’t even know why 😢

I just want to get out of here it doesn’t matter