I am so frustrating. Not frustrated. Frustrating. I’m annoying myself. God knows what it’s doing to other people.
I’m so lonely and yet I want to be left alone. I want to be with people, yet I really, really don’t.
I feel this urgent, overwhelming NEEDto cut everyone and everything off. Friends, church, work, family, acquaintances, even…
…even my little dog. I see it as a necessary step before the end. It’s something that will make things easier…it’ll make it hurt less for everyone- for others and for myself. The further away I am, the less it will hurt everyone when life ends. And if things don’t end, well then I guess I’m isolated. And that’s ok.
I despise that every thought, every feeling I have is negative. I’m frustrating myself with that. Why can’t I simply be happy or even content? I feel like a shitty person for not being happy. It must be that I’m selfish or self-centered or that I don’t care enough about others -enough to displace myself from my own thoughts.
I can’t accept the fact that my father was a sexual predator. I thought I was accepting it- even as it was turning my world upside down and ripping me apart. My blood line, my heritage- my own dad. I can’t accept it- even though I know it’s the truth. I don’t want to be the child of a sexual predator. I’m so ashamed. I thought my shame was from my experiences of sexual abuse and rape. And some of it definitely is. But knowing my dad, my family member preyed on others- that’s too much. I’m ashamed and deeply saddened over this- to the point that I simply can’t take it.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I have to do something- this is too miserable and I can’t fake it nor take it anymore. No one ever understands when people feel like they have no other choice. I don’t want to be here.
The truth is surely difficult to swallow. 😣 I still don’t want to believe it. And I still want to think he was somehow a good person.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes since Friday. I’m doing a terrible job of taking care of my little pup. I’ve been a horrible “friend” to people lately. It cannot go on like this.
I have had this visual in my head for a long time now. My wrists are bound by a strong impenetrable rope. Hands are on my face and my chest, pushing on me and holding me down as I fight back. I decide that I can win the fight if only I can free my hands. But the rope is like steel- it won’t ever break. So I see that the only way to get free is to sever my own hands. I begin the process of twisting my wrists back and forth against the friction of the rope. It burns as it tears at my skin. I know this rope, as strong as steel, will wear away at my bones too. Once I sever my hands, I can be free.
I don’t want to speak much on Chester’s suicide with the exception of my thoughts on those condemning his actions.
I’ve seen too much negativity online- everything from outright anger at him to people saying he was inconsiderate of his children and fans.
Before you speak or post, you need to stop and think what else there was that you may or may not know anything about. I’m particularly irritated and hurt by those who knew him, who knew he had issues he was dealing with like being sexually abused/ raped and they STILL chose to publicly condemn him.
Depression is one thing. Add the component of being sexually abused and you’ve got a whole other animal you’re dealing with.
People can’t understand unless they’ve been there- stop being so quick to judge when you have NO IDEA wtf you’re talking about. Try to have some compassion and understanding. I’m not saying suicide is the right way, but don’t be so quick to condemn those who go down that path, especially in a moment of despondency.
With sex abuse, there’s a whole other component that can change the core of your psychological being. I’m not saying God can’t overcome that or heal that- of course He can. But understand that it’s more than depression that’s being dealt with. And even if you have been sexually abused, it affects people differently, depending on a whole slew of factors- exactly what occurred, if the offender was known, if a support system was present, if there were multiple offenders or multiple occurrences…I could probably list 10-12 more items here that would affect how people process it differently. That doesn’t even matter.
Just please treat everyone with respect. Have compassion for both the living and the dead. Help people, don’t hurt them.