sexual abuse

All posts tagged sexual abuse

a

Published September 27, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’m trying so hard to be positive. And frankly, I think I’ve been doing a really good job of it lately. It is so difficult though. I feel like I’m pretending with even myself. I have no one here anyway. Today- I don’t know why- I just kept breaking down crying. I kept sucking it up, saying everything was fine….lying to myself. 

I’m doing what I can to distract myself…really going out of my way to do so. And yet, I find that self-medication is a daily occurrence. I feel a million miles away from everyone…from every thing. 

I feel like this will never end. I heard a Korn song today that said:

“It ain’t fading 

Man I gotta let it out

Am I crazy?

Screaming- nothing ever comes out

I keep feeling lost

I’ll never find my way out

I’m not thanking them

Unless the truth can pour out

Give me some courage

Beating me down now for some time

Are you laughing? Am I funny?

I hate inside,

I hate inside.

I’ll take this time

To let out what’s inside

Cause I will break

Sometimes I wish you’d die

Full of sorrow

You raped and stole my pride.

And all this hate is bottled up inside

My heart’s breaking

Man you really ripped it out

You take pleasure watching as

I claw my way out

The hurt rising

Soon it’s gonna tear my soul out

It’s not kosher feeling like I’m on my way out

Give me some courage

Beating me down now for some time

Are you laughing? Am I funny?

I hate inside,

I hate inside.

I’ll take this time

To let out what’s inside

Cause I will break

Sometimes I wish you’d die

Full of sorrow

You raped and stole my pride.

And all this hate is bottled up inside

Feeling the haze as they cut down my spine

Peeling your flesh like the way you’ve cut mine

Do you feel happy? You fucked up my mind

You’re going to pay this time!

I’ll take this time

To let out what’s inside

Cause I will break

Sometimes I wish you’d die

Full of sorrow

You raped and stole my pride.

And all this hate is bottled up inside”


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Cat 5

Published September 6, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Self medicating again…as tears stream down my face. 

I feel pretty overwhelmed at the moment. I’m originally from Miami, FL and went through Category 5 Hurricane Andrew. I’m stressing for all of my family and friends who are in the path of Category 5 Hurricane Irma. Memories are flooding back to me. I want to reach out, to help, and I feel powerless. I ask my roommate if it’s ok that I offer asylum to my closest friends and family members if they need a place to evacuate to. (I live on the other side of the country- it’s simply not feasible for someone to come here to evacuate- so it’s a remote possibility that anyone could take me up on it) but I feel I have nothing else to offer them in their fear and panic. My roommate says no. 🙄😡 I’m stunned and furious that I can’t help my own family members!! I don’t even know what to say. 

That’s not even the real reason why I’m so perturbed. I texted my aunt today- the one who was married to my uncle who committed suicide because my dad sexually abused him and no one believed him. I wanted to offer her a place to stay if she needed. Since I hadn’t talked with her since my uncle’s suicide, I took the opportunity to tell her I wanted to talk to her about my uncle and my dad. After playing phone tag all day, we finally spoke. We talked about her evacuation plans… and then, I chickened out on the rest of it. I told her I’d rather talk in person and maybe I could see her the next time I’m in Florida. She all too quickly hung up the phone. Was she disappointed in me? Did she know what I wanted to talk about and did she not want to discuss it? Was I wasting her time? I have no clue. But the swiftness with which she hung up left me feeling incredibly uneasy. 

Talking to her, telling her what my uncle always said happened WAS TRUE, telling her how my dad sexually abused me too- I’ve been thinking about telling her all of this for over a year now. I was thinking today would be the day. I was so disappointed in myself that I couldn’t spit it out. Of course, this is a conversation better had in person. But that means it will be at least a year before we can speak face to face. 

And then of course, I can’t help but think about my unknown neighbor who committed suicide this weekend. I can’t stop thinking about them. It really should have been me. I can’t handle this life. I can’t handle what God has thrown my way. I’m disgusted and embarrassed with how weak I am, how I’m not able to handle these things, this life. I feel so, so badly for my neighbor and what they must have been going through. I just don’t know what to do. 

I’m disappointed in myself for self medicating again- but hey, it’s coping to avoid doing anything else. It’s coping to simply stay alive. My mind is swirling like a category 5. Self medicating is all I have. 

F**k all these people

Published August 21, 2017 by Chloe Madison

My heart is overwhelmed with sadness. I know I just said I didn’t feel anything. I’m confused at the polarity between overwhelming, disabling emotions and numbness. 

Evil runs in the family

 
I refuse to accept that my bloodline has so much betrayal, deception, disgusting illness, and perversion flowing through it. It’s not denial. It’s simply me not wanting this to be a part of who I am. I have enough bullshit with all the abuse and rape to deal with- it’s confounding to think there’s more.

I think this is affecting me physically. I’ve had bronchitis since late June. Now I also have a bacterial infection from it and sinusitis. I’m physically exhausted. In the summer, that was ok because I could rest whenever necessary. Now it’s taking a toll on me. My insides feel like they’ve been gouged out. I physically feel empty, like my insides have been scraped out from me.

My insomnia has gotten so much worse. I’m taking more sleeping pills than ever and it will help me fall asleep eventually, but I can never stay asleep for more than 2 hours now. It’s literally driving me mad. 

I have a weekend coming up where I’ll be all alone. I’m thinking this is the perfect time. I’ll have the privacy that I want- I can still go somewhere else if I want. I’ll actually be able to do whatever I want. Or…I can wait for the long weekend where I’ll have several days to get away before anyone notices anything. To be honest, I’m still up in the air with what to do- if I’ll do anything at all. If you had asked me yesterday, it was a sure thing. Now, I’m not sure yet. 

But…this is the most lucid thing that I can think of. Work, talking to people, living, driving, all other aspects of life are a blur. Except for this- ending it is the most lucid thought I have. It makes the most sense. 

The guy here, locally – his name is Joe. He’s an attorney now so he’s goes by Joseph. The fact that he’s an attorney intimidates me beyond what I’m able to express. I’m so fearful of him. It’s ridiculous. 


This is Joe. His wife looks just like me and he has 3 children now. I’m not quite sure what to think about that. It’s very unsettling.

Then there’s the guy who repeatedly sexually assaulted me, beginning when I was 9. His name is Rene. I can’t even say his name out loud. I haven’t said that name in decades. He’s disgusting. He’s an old man now.


That’s him. I think he might be/ might have been married, I think he has a daughter. I’m not sure. He’s on the other side of the country so I feel relatively safe from him. That’s why I don’t even care to research and find out about him. I don’t want to know anything. I know all I need to know. He’s absolutely fucking disgusting. 

Joe scares me the most- mainly because he’s close and he’s in such a high powered position. Now that I’ve said his name and shown his picture, I’m just waiting for a lawsuit (in the very least)- even though I didn’t say his last name and my blog is anonymous- I’m still very fearful he’ll somehow find out and immediately sue me to protect himself. I wouldn’t be surprised if I change my mind and delete his picture soon.

Then there’s my dad. We’re not even going to go there. 

I wanted to show their names and faces before I go. No one can do anything about it. But I didn’t want to leave this earth and not have their names be known- even if only by strangers on the internet.

I don’t think right anymore. I had to straight up lie to my therapist to get her to let me leave her office last time. I know I can’t be truly honest with her and that sucks. I have one friend here (well, really far away actually) who has been a rock. An absolute rock in terms of support, encouragement, aid- it’s been incessant and he’s been relentless. And I am more grateful than I can ever express. I’ll be sure to give him a heartfelt thank you one last time before I go. He deserves it. 

I don’t have anyone else in this world aside from God. Loneliness is one of the things I struggle with the most. I know God is supposed to be enough. Most of my life, he was. He did sustain me through everything up to the present. But I’m continually disintegrating. I think there’s a point of no return. And to face this kind of garbage truly alone is too much to bear. I can’t go to church anymore. I don’t even have those few church acquaintances to talk with anymore. Not that people have time anyway. Not that I ever opened up either. I feel like loneliness and solitude is my destiny- and frankly, I don’t want it. 

I don’t want any of this bullshit. 

EMDR

Published August 18, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I feel so weird. Extraordinarily detached. I’m not feeling a thing. My thoughts seem to float. Detached. No connection. The perfect time Too easy.

Shame is what we focused on- being ashamed of who my father is…that I’m so closely related to a sexual predator, a criminal.

I saw myself walking on the sidewalk next to the building where I work. This massive black tar-like substance began slowing oozing down from the entire building. It was one giant encompassing entity. I think it was shame. It suddenly changed from slow moving to a quickly engulfing tidal wave that swept me up into a whirlpool. A deep black whirlpool. I was caught up in the enormous swirling blackness. Then I noticed the sky turning white. It was a stark contrast to the blackness of the giant whirlpool. I thought maybe the white sky might be God. I saw a red rose floating around in a downward trajectory. I want to die so I laid back in the black whirlpool and floated on my back- giving up, wanting to drown or be swallowed up by this. 

The rose drifted down and landed on my chest. I was distracted by it- I kept looking at it laying on my chest, but also kept laying my head back and floating, in an effort to give up. I realized the rose was sticking to my chest- like the tentacles of an octopus. I tried prying an edge of it off- one rose petal- and as soon as I let go, it would reattach itself. 

I remembered that the red rose had made an appearance before, but I can’t remember what I thought it represented. This time I kept getting the phrase, “Word of God” over and over and I kept picturing my new Bible. So perhaps the rose that’s attached itself to my chest represents the Word of God. As I realize that, I think it begins to embed itself in me. 

I notice the black whirlpool begins to swirl with a milky white liquid, mixing with the blackness. The white seems to overtake the black and soon the whirlpool is white with only traces of blackness through it. 

The spinning of the whirlpool begins to slow. I hadn’t noticed before, but the level of it had lowered. The next thing I know, I’m laying on the wet ground- soggy grass wet with a milky white substance. The waters of the whirlpool had so gently dissipated that I barely noticed it. 

I don’t want to get up- I’m curious to see what’s around me, but I feel lazy, maybe just exhausted- I don’t want to even lift my head. I feel like God is telling me to get up and go. But I don’t want to. It becomes clear that it’s ok for me to stay there for a while and as I do, the grass becomes less and less soggy as the milky liquid is absorbed into the ground. 

I can’t remember correctly. 

I think I sit up and begin to look around and I see nothing in all directions around me. I see a weird scene as short, sharp grass seems to be in blue ground. The word “wasteland” comes to mind. There’s  nothing out there in any direction. It’s a barren wasteland. As I stand up, the landscape turns more and more bleak. There’s still nothing but everything continues to dry up- like the desert of Mad Max and the Thunderdome. I look down as I feel something heavy and awkward on my feet. I see sandals on my feet- but super old school ones like Jesus would wear. I feel something in my hand but I can’t see it clearly. It feels like a heavy Bible or something- but an old leather covered one. The ground has now turned into a dry orange sand.

I can’t determine which way to go- which way God wants me to go. No matter where I turn, every direction looks the same. I think God needs to show me which way to go. I also think this is a long arduous journey- one that will take a while and that I clearly don’t have much to survive with. I see a vertical sliver of light off in the distance and think that must be the way to go. I slowly begin to move toward it. Again, I look down at my feet, the old sandals, and feel this big book-like thing cupped in my hand. I feel underequipped for what’s ahead. 

As I move forward, two big masses of blackness come from either side up in the sky. They develop and swirl like clouds- but they reach from the top of the sky to the ground and even cover parts of the ground. They’re ominous and threatening. I can still see a path to follow in the sand though. I can still look above the blackness and see the little sliver of light to follow. So I continue. 

Then…giant evil faces emerge from the blackness. On both sides, I see deep red eyes and huge, deep red grimaces. They’re laughing at me and threatening me. I hear the word “black” over and over rhythmically and as I do, I picture my wrist, a gun, my wrist, laying back floating in the ocean, Chicago, my wrist, ….

I can now see nothing but blackness. It’s grown to cover every inch of the ground. The path is obscured. Images of suicide are everywhere…surrounding and engulfing me.

Frustrating 

Published August 16, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I am so frustrating. Not frustrated. Frustrating. I’m annoying myself. God knows what it’s doing to other people. 

I’m so lonely and yet I want to be left alone. I want to be with people, yet I really, really don’t. 

I feel this urgent, overwhelming NEED to cut everyone and everything off. Friends, church, work, family, acquaintances, even…

…even my little dog. I see it as a necessary step before the end. It’s something that will make things easier…it’ll make it hurt less for everyone- for others and for myself. The further away I am, the less it will hurt everyone when life ends. And if things don’t end, well then I guess I’m isolated. And that’s ok.

I despise that every thought, every feeling I have is negative. I’m frustrating myself with that. Why can’t I simply be happy or even content? I feel like a shitty person for not being happy. It must be that I’m selfish or self-centered or that I don’t care enough about others -enough to displace myself from my own thoughts.

I can’t accept the fact that my father was a sexual predator. I thought I was accepting it- even as it was turning my world upside down and ripping me apart. My blood line, my lineage, my heritage- my own dad. I can’t accept it- even though I know it’s the truth. I don’t want to be the child of a sexual predator. I’m so ashamed. I thought my shame was from my experiences of sexual abuse and rape. And some of it definitely is. But knowing my dad, my family member preyed on others- that’s too much. I’m ashamed and deeply saddened over this- to the point that I simply can’t take it. 

I don’t want to be here anymore. I have to do something- this is too miserable and I can’t fake it nor take it anymore. No one ever understands when people feel like they have no other choice. I don’t want to be here.