faith

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Rant

Published August 4, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Rant coming. Go away if you don’t feel like listening to someone whine and bitch and complain. Seriously. Go. TF. Away. Cause I need to do this.

I am so, so angry and so incredibly hurt. I don’t know how to handle it. I’m sick of people who don’t have not one f**king hour to stop and take the time. I really hate this. 

I don’t even like this place anymore. The allure is gone. I guess it’s because when I’m here, every thing I see, every place reminds me of being alone. The word “desolate” comes to mind over and over again. It’s like a barren desert for my heart and my soul. There’s nothing here. 

So as I was just in two different places these last few weeks, I thought about moving there. But I realized that wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t make me happy. Nothing will. 

I fantasized about quitting my job, taking what little I have in an IRA, and disappearing. I thought maybe I could leave the country- maybe go live on a cheap island somewhere. My IRA money would probably only last a year. But maybe I could try to be happy and escape stress for just one year. 

But it wouldn’t work, would it? I’d be partially content exploring a new location for maybe a week- tops. Then, the same loneliness, the same sadness, the same depression, isolation, confusion, being unwanted, worthlessness…all that would still be there. So I guess there’s no point in trying. 

I just drove 30+ hours without a sound. I didn’t listen to anything….I just thought and thought and thought. It was so quiet in my car…and yet, inside I was raging. It reminded me of this movie I just saw where this little child who is adopted rages uncontrollably. I saw myself sitting there in defeaning silence and yet, seeing the inside of me, which was nothing but chaos. 

The movie I saw was “Lion.” I watched it twice. It’s was incredibly compelling. The flashbacks of the main character were represented so well- how we’re in the present moment, but relive a past moment, and then are left in the present as if we were still in the past. I’m sure that doesn’t make sense. But the character I identified most with was not the main character- it was his adopted brother. When the family adopted his brother, the little boy raged- he screamed, yelled, cried. That’s EXACTLY how I see myself. Raging uncontrollably…inside. 

I just told someone how I wanted to slip overboard in the dead of night. There were three different nights- the last one was so close. The air and water temperatures had chilled considerably and I thought hypothermia was a viable possibility for a timely expiration. I was only stopped because someone accidentally walked up on it. Then I told them how I stayed in my car overnight in the middle of nowhere and how I was awoken by tornado sirens at 5 something in the morning. I saw all the semi trucks start up and scatter and I wondered how they knew which way to go to escape a tornado. They all quickly disappeared in the torrential downpour. I decided to lay back down and I told God to take me. I listened to tornado sirens for a solid 20 minutes. Hard rain. Lots of wind. Nothing else. The person I told laughed- I guess they thought I was joking. 😳

I feel like I had just started to trust human beings again. We’re truly horrible, terrible creatures, if you think about it. Only humans are capable of the most insane atrocities that could ever be imagined. But my trust is gone. People use words to appease. But I’m not stupid enough to believe it anymore. 

I think…I don’t know. I mean, I know we’re “created” for community. And that explains a human being’s longing for connection and interaction with other humans. And not surprisingly, that’s the core cause of addiction- the need for people to connect with something. Addicts didn’t have healthy relationships, healthy connections- but the desire was so deep, so desperate to connect- that they chose to connect with anything they could.

I’ve not connnected for years (minus the connecting I had just started to do)…and even though the loneliness was killing me, at least I never got hurt. People hurt. People disappoint. People say one thing, then do another that’s entirely contradicting. People simply can’t be trusted. And I’m ok with that. That’s why I don’t trust. It’s a simple concept- you start to trust, you get hurt. I know people aren’t perfect. I’m not expecting them to be. But, damn. 

I don’t want to feel this anymore. The only way to ensure I don’t feel this again is to simply not trust. It’s easy. Maybe too easy. And I know…not the “healthiest” choice. But whatever. I have NOT A SOUL to fall back on. I’m not married, no children, very very few family members still alive. I’ve got no one. So when I’m hurt, I’m left with nothing but myself and God. 

And lately, he’s not talking to me. I’ve asked him why he let that happen, why he couldn’t just fix things…

And I get nothing. 

Silence.

Now…that’s not new for God and I. I know he’s there. I feel like he doesn’t like talking with me that much. And he surely doesn’t like appeasing me. 

So here I am. 

Nothing but broken bits. So smashed that the pieces will never be whole again. 

DNR

Published July 30, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Completely devastated….   The real truth hurts. And it’s hitting me really, really hard.  😖 Words so empty and hollow that only now am I feeling the painful echo.

My head and my heart are writhing as this reality sinks in. I feel so defeated.

Utterly and hopelessly alone.

.

I don’t understand how people are expected to make a comeback after things like this. “Things” are all these experiences in life of abuse/ rape. I just don’t know how people do it. It seems impossible to me.

I don’t want to go home. There’s no such place as “home.” 

I don’t want to face another birthday alone. Is that all there is to life? Every meal alone. Day after day alone. Weeks, months, years. I’ve been alone now for eight years. 

EIGHT.  

YEARS. 

You can’t act like there’s hope just around the corner or hope in God. It NEVER f*cking comes. Everything just continues to deteriorate. This hopelessness is not life. I refuse to do this.

Dazed and Confused

Published July 15, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’ve been so out of my own brain lately. Does that even make sense? A whole day will go by…16-17 hours awake and going around and I have no idea what I did. It’s like my brain is floating in a cloud. 

Today was already so difficult. I had virtually no sleep last night. I took sleeping pills and everything. TV off, phone down, wide awake and absolutely anxiety ridden. This was the first night in weeks that I hadn’t combined alcohol with sleeping pills. (I’ve been trying to figure out why last night was different than any other night.) I’m so grateful that I don’t have to work at the moment- that it’s ok that I’m sleepless and it’s ok that I’m wandering around like a zombie. I’m screwed when I need to get back to work and actually accomplish something. That was part of my anxiety- worrying how the hell I can be productive at work… and how relieved I was when I thought about …and never having to return to work again!

So as pathetic as it sounds, I was already crying before 10am. I also had so much raging anger- in my head, I was directing it toward everyone, even though no one deserves it.

Wow. I’m a mess, I know it. 

I am so looking forward to getting away though- I know it’s an escape, but that’s ok. I’m going to run while I have the chance. When work starts back up, I’ll be trapped and won’t be able to escape at all. So I’m going to indulge in it now while I can. And I can’t wait to be near the sea. I adore it!! It will be beneficial, satisfying, and hopefully soothing for my soul. I’m also looking forward to spending time with God, reading, talking to- and most importantly, listening to God. I really need to work on that and being away will hopefully afford me with better concentration and less distraction. 

For some reason, I’m also excited to visit Annette again. There’s something so special about her. I know it will tear me up to spend time with her, but I don’t care. She really needs it and I’m excited to do it. 

This particular blog is nothing but me whining, but I’m following orders of my therapist and continuing to write, much more than usual. I haven’t been able to publish the post about my last EMDR session- I wrote out choppy phrases of what occurred with the intention of revisiting it to form actual sentences. I’m just not ready to revisit yet. Maybe soon. 

I don’t know how to keep things out of my head

Death is…

Published July 13, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Holy God. That was the most difficult thing I’ve done in forever! It makes me REALLY APPRECIATE and I mean, really appreciate people who do this for a living. 

I just visited with a woman who is dying of cancer. We cried. We talked. We cried and talked some more. She cried out to God multiple times, asking him, “Why?! Why me?” And she softly said, “He never answers.”  This made my heart instantly overflow with deep sadness.

I felt powerless to help in any capacity whatsoever. 

She echoed so many sentiments that I feel myself- and yet it made me feel like I didn’t have the right to feel the same way- because my situation isn’t as severe and it’s not as permanent.

She cried as she told me how scared she was. She said it over and over. She’s mad at God too. She doesn’t want to leave her loved ones here on earth.

She said she felt selfish for wanting Rob to not leave- like she needs his support, she needs him present there with her. She talked over and over again about the night they had drinks out on her back deck. They need to do that again. 

Like seriously…I want to pay for a plane ticket for Rob to come back and spend time with her. His company made her so happy…I can relate to that. And I want to give her that again. 

She is an absolutely amazing woman. I was in awe of her, truly. She possesses a bravery that I’ll never have. 

I really do pray for healing for her. I pray that God takes away her pain (she cried as she talked about the pain). I pray that God breathes through her entire body and annihilates every speck of cancer that there is. I pray God sees fit to give her at least a few more years of life that she can enjoy. I pray the Holy Spirit gives her peace and even joy during this time. I pray that God will take away the fear and anxiety that she has about dying and her short future. And I pray that the Holy Spirit would move in her husband’s heart to bring him to know, truly know Jesus.

I silently prayed that God would give me her cancer and let her live carefree. I’ve prayed this already about three times now- even before I met her. I prayed it for another friend (long before I wanted to die) and I’m dead ass serious about it. I don’t play around with shit like that. Even as I drove to see her, I was thinking about it- how people can say that, but if it would come down to physically doing it, how many actually would. With my other friend, I prayed this for the future too. If his cancer ever came back, if I was alive…no matter how happy I might be, no matter how much I might be enjoying life- I told God that I would take his cancer in his place for the remainder of my time here on earth. I’m disheartened to feel like it’s a futile prayer. I don’t think God does that. I mean, think of how many times parents who have had children with terminal illnesses have prayed that they would give their life for their child. And does it ever happen? How many times have we heard of a child with a terminal illness magically and unexplainably getting better while their parent fell ill? 

I don’t understand God. I’ve said that before. I know I’ll understand him when I get to heaven and hopefully, things will make more sense. 

But for now, we’re here. Please pray for Annette. 

Published June 23, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Regardless of how this post ends, today was actually a pretty good day. And I am so grateful for that! Things went smoother than expected and I got a lot done. Most importantly, I spent time reading through and praying through a series of prayers. It was pretty amazing. It fed me with strength, love for our God, connection with the Spirit, and hope for the future. I want to read/ pray through that often. I need it. I spent most of the day in this frame of mind. It was refreshing. I almost don’t even want to write this next part. 

I’m doing everything in my power to see my friends one final time. That’s important to me. And if I don’t get to, then… that’s just how it is. 

I’m full of conflicted feelings, mentalities, and outlooks. I’m trying to look on the bright side of what’s waiting back home for me: a great (albeit stressful) job with kids that I love, a super awesome church with some pretty great people and an amazing pastor, counseling which could lead to healing, and a new place- the nicest place I have ever lived in. Not to mention, I live in one of the most beautiful states in this country. But when I think of driving back home, leaving my friends and family behind, I think of emptiness. Like there’s nothing for me back there. Nothing. And then I find myself comforted again by the idea of the end…in a remote, quiet, never to be found location.

I sat outside this evening in the rain, observing, listening to, and enjoying nature in all its beauty. I imagined dying when it’s raining. It’s like maybe…  God would be weeping with me.