All posts tagged abuse

Published March 23, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I have actually slept super well for the last 3 nights in a row! I’ve slept long and deeply. I woke up only about 4 times each night- that’s a world record for this past year and a half.

I am so grateful. I’m still so, so exhausted that I came home from work yesterday and crashed- took a nap and then still slept through the night. I’ve only got a year and a half of sleep to catch up on. 🙂

Lots of dreaming, but very few nightmares. So that’s good. My therapist and I decided not to do EMDR again because she thinks I’m still processing with all the nightmares I previously had. Next week is spring break- so maybe the idea of vacation time is helping me to relax as well. (?) I don’t know.

My therapist said she thought I was doing too much to keep my mind occupied. The studying, the chase, and the hiking every weekend…she thought maybe I’m not giving my brain enough down time to process and that’s why I was still processing things through nightmares.

We talked a lot about my friend who relapsed. She thinks I have issues of my own that came up when things with him started happening. I guess him being mean or rude to his wife brought up my past with my ex who was pretty abusive psychologically, emotionally, and verbally. Only rarely did it turn into physical abuse. Catching him cheat on me was just the cherry on top. I do still have a lot of hurt and anger from that. I know that every time my ex was enraged with me, it was never my fault and it was never justified. I guess that’s why my friend being mean to his wife is ruffling my feathers so much now. I love the guy and care deeply for both him and his wife…but I cannot, cannot, absolutely canNOT handle a man mistreating a woman. I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve seen it my whole life and I hate it. I’m sick to my stomach about him doing it- I guess because I’d looked at him as a good, Christian guy. I’m not saying he isn’t. But it’s just a huge let down. He and his wife took good care of my little dog for me when I was in the hospital. I’m so appreciative of that and grateful for them welcoming me with open arms and zero judgment. I need to extend the same to him.

I have a friend coming in town to visit tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it, but I’m super scared. Either I hide who I am and all the terrible things I’m dealing with- or I’m open and honest. Obviously, he could reject me as crazy or needy or any number of things I’m scared people will judge me as. I have quite a bit of hesitation with seeing him- but at the same time, he’ll occupy about a third of my spring break- so that’s great. I don’t think I need to be alone. That’s never good. Not recently, anyway.

And the sanctuary, the shelter that I’ve been envisioning…I’d love to be able to open a Christian camp in the remote mountains. I was thinking part of it could be a place that church groups could go to for retreats- youth groups or men’s or women’s groups. The other part of it though- that’s what I’m focusing in on- the other part would be a safe haven for victims of human trafficking and/ or sex trafficking. It would be a safe place that’s remote so they have no fear of anyone they escaped from finding them and where they’d feel confident walking around outside, enjoying nature. I envision having group meetings and even counseling/ therapy for them. Maybe have a full-time therapist on staff? That would be awesome. I’d like to give a beautiful, safe place to people who need it- who need some where to go for months or even a year- to recover, to learn to live again, to learn to feel safe again. I was thinking of offering training in some kind of trade as well- so they could sustain themselves and make a living on their own.

I don’t know- it’s just a dream. I keep envisioning it in this peaceful river valley that I’ve been driving through these last few weekends.

So…there’s that.

Please pray for my friend and his wife.

Published March 2, 2018 by Chloe Madison

EMDR session #666

I haven’t done EMDR in so long that I forgot how much it disorients me. I almost got into multiple car accidents trying to drive home. I was so out of it- it was unreal. I found myself swerving into other lanes and not being aware of it.

This writing will probably be a mess and I don’t care. I just don’t have the energy to make it all flow well. I just want to get it out.

I’ve been having multiple nightmares about being hospitalized that I haven’t had the energy to write about yet. I told my therapist though and she suggested we do EMDR for that. I had to identify my most overwhelming negative emotion. Shame, of course.

Shame- and with that, feeling unloved, not worthy of being loved, not cared for or worthy of it, alone, hated. The opposite of shame is being honorable. I broke into tears because she asked me to see myself as honorable- and I can’t even picture myself as honorable. It’s not possible. I wept constantly through this whole thing. She asked where I felt this- and I feel it in my chest- it’s super heavy and achy and it hurts. It’s literally painful.

The first thing I envisioned was being locked up. At first, I was just looking around, taking in my surroundings – essentially through memories of the experience. I was in disbelief that it was all even happening, I felt locked in- no way out, I was feeling threatened from my crazy roommate. We had 3 roommates (4 people to a room), but I was terrified of one because I actually thought she could and would hurt me.

The next part, I was looking out the window at the snow- trying to see how I could get out, trying to calm myself with snow and watching the storm roll in. All of this happens in fast forward motion. From the window, it went to me seeing the docs and putting up a facade to convince them I was ok. Then, I went to walking in circles in there because there was no where to go. I remembered talking to my friend on the phone and I remember how it calmed me. I also looked out window at the homeless people and was jealous of how they’re free.

The next thing is a red balloon- like a hot air balloon- comes over to the 7th floor where I am and I can escape. I jump in to rise up and get away. They’re chasing from down on the street level, so I don’t know where to land the balloon. In Colorado? No- not safe. In Wyoming? Not far enough away. I’m speeding away in the balloon in fast forward motion- In the middle of Oregon? No, I don’t know this place- keep going. I wind up on Cannon Beach, where I’ve been before and a place I want to return to. The skies bare dark, like it’s stormy and dusk. I’m on the dark sand for just a second watching the skies and waves and I turn and my friend who called 911 is directly behind me. I feel like I’ve been caught and I panic inside. He’s going to turn me in and send me back to the hospital- so I’m not safe. So I make him disappear immediately and make him dissolve into the sand. I realize if he can find me, I’m not safe- I haven’t gone far enough away so I get back in ballon, and go over ocean- but as I go and go, there’s no where to land. So I go to Alaska. Is that far enough away?? I see memories again. I see moose and bears and a swift running creek with freezing water. I examine the creek rocks, huge and rounded by the rushing of the water. I see the cabin on my vision board- with a deck and Albe my dog laying on it, sunning himself. (I had a vision board where I sketched one of my goals or dreams in life. I drew a simple cabin on land in Alaska with a large wooden deck where I lounged in lounge chairs with my then-fiancée and with my dog, Albe.)

At this point, multiple things happen- first, I hear it said that this dream will never come true. Albe is dead. As much as that kills me. He was by my side for nearly 17 years. So that vision will never happen. Something says don’t you trust God to make your dreams come true? I look up and I see God – as the sun, up in the sky and peeking out over the mountains. But I also know this dream won’t happen- I’m alone. I never envisioned this alone. I envisioned this with my ex fiancée and Albe. Both are gone.

I look to God and try to concentrate on the positive. I feel the warmth of God- as he’s the sun. I’m soaking up his warmth. I feel my face even becoming sunburned. But while I feel the warmth- I still feel the deep hurting hole of shame in my chest.

I feel isolated and full of shame. I’m laying on the lounge chair alone- no dog and no spouse- and a black hole develops in my chest, quickly expands both outward and downward and drops out of my body, stretching down into the earth.

It slowly begins to fill with blue water- but like an underground water table- the levels slowly rise, then fall, then rise again. This takes time and for some reason, I’m confused and scared as this happens. (I think this is God healing me)

As water is filling deep down in the hole- whiteness (like snow) begins to expand and cover the ground. It spreads across the entire ground so all I can see is whiteness. It envelops me and even covers God in the sky and wraps around me. It’s like a loose soft toilet paper, wrapping itself around me in fast forward motion and I’m spinning as it does. My face is covered even. I’m standing now.

I try to remain positive so I look up to where God is to try to keep my mind on him. I face him through the toilet paper. I feel water on my toes and am surprised at how quick the healing water that was deep down in the hole in the earth actually reached my body. But it makes me panic again. I look down, thinking for a second that I could drown. I look back to God, knowing this is his water and it’s good. Then the black hole develops in my chest again. It shoots out of my back and dips down into the earth in a sharp deep point. Something tells me something like- “See?? You can’t get better! You won’t ever heal!” You’re covered with God and yet your black hole of shame will ALWAYS be here.

I can’t remember quite how it ended. It’s like I was a tiny bit close to getting healed and then the blackness enveloped me again. Like it’s something I can never escape. I’m the very end, my therapist was telling me her thoughts- and I’m sorry to say that I don’t know what she said. I saw 666 when she was talking. I know that sounds ridiculous- cheesy, even. But I couldn’t see or hear anything but that for a minute or two.

When I was driving erratically home, I found myself behind a truck who’s license plate started with 666. Not even joking. Super odd.

So that was EMDR. Then last night- it was emotional. I watched the show “Hollywood Medium” and it made me think of my dad and how I always wanted and still want an apology from him. I want him to admit wrong doing or show remorse in the very least. I’ll never get that- but I do sometimes daydream of a medium giving me that message.

I watched the one with Kristin Cavallari and how she wanted her brother who died to come through. I remember following that closely in the news because he died in a way that’s very close to one of the ways I envision it. He died in the desert in Utah. He went missing for several weeks and all they knew is he had been driving through Utah. They had alluded to possible mental illness, but no one (publicly anyway) knew for sure. After a few weeks, he was found dead. He had an accident and was found off in a ditch where we wandered. What his family never knew- was if it was purely accidental or suicide? The medium said that he felt the presence of a mental illness that went back and forth (the family confirmed he was bipolar). Then he said he felt the influence of drugs and alcohol and how that made things worse- almost impossible for healing. Then, he medium said it was an accident, he felt like he was wandering and had planned to find a nearby river and follow it to civilization. But he hit his head and never made it. The family confirmed there was a river near where he crashed and they were relieved (and heart-broken) to heat he had actually tried to survive. All this made me envision all the past plans for the desert- being out there alone, dying, no one ever finding you. It just weighed heavily on me. I watched that episode twice in a row last night.

And I don’t even remember why I started talking about it. Anyway. I’m so exhausted. My head hurts and it feels like I’m in a cloud. I want to go to sleep.

Published January 30, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I cannot stand this feeling.

I can’t even articulate it. I feel so, so alone. I can’t get over how incredibly alone I am in this world. I think it would be easier if I was the only human on earth, instead of being surrounded by people.

My roommate went to our apartment when I was at work today and took a bunch of her stuff. I only saw her once since I was in the hospital. That time, she came by the apartment and tried to run out without speaking to me. I said hi to her and she said hi back…but she refused to even look me in the face. She literally darted out the door. I don’t know why I’m so bothered that she took some of her things today. It just feels more empty.

It’s a more physical reality of the fact that people are distancing themselves from me. She acts like I have the plague. Everyone who knows I was in the hospital acts like that. People have stayed away from me, have stopped talking to me….and people who I used to think cared, have made it clear they don’t even trust me anymore. I’m broken over that. So, so disturbed and hurt and broken over that. Just as I start to open up and share and trust another human being, they bolt and act like I’m diseased…like they’re not allowed to be in the same room with me. It makes me feel like shit.

I wish to God I could just disappear. Forever. For fucking ever.

I hate this. I hate myself. I hate that I can’t connect with people and when I do, it somehow backfires and they bail. I hate that I don’t trust people…and I hate that they don’t trust me. Don’t people know I wouldn’t hurt a soul? To feel unwanted and not trusted…ugh…it’s a horrible, horrible feeling.

I have no idea where I’ll be living come this summer. I’ll need to move again. I don’t know where to go. I’m thinking of putting my stuff in storage and going without a place for the summer- just to save money. I’m not praying much, but the very few things I’m asking God for includes a place to call home. Somewhere I can belong.

But I just don’t. I simply don’t belong anywhere or with anyone. I wish I had a family. A nice, loving family that talked and hugged each other all the time. Tears are streaming down my face and clouding my vision as I write this. I want to belong. I want a family. This, though….this will never happen.


That’s something I don’t have. You would think I do…after all that I’ve been through, I’m still walking upright. I was physically, psychologically, and very much emotionally abused by my mom. My father molested me when I was 11 or 12. My mom and grandma conspired to cover it up. When I was 9, I was raped so many times by a neighbor, that I don’t even know how many times…that included sodomy. That shame has never left me. My father died from cancer only about a year later…after I wished him dead. For half of my life, I thought it was my fault he died. I got pregnant at 18 and planned to marry my boyfriend. My mom wouldn’t allow it. She forced an abortion on us. I was raped again when I was 22. I got pregnant and out of fear of every possible scenario, I had another abortion, believing it was the best course of action. I still solemnly remember those would-be birthdays. I believe that’s why God won’t give me any more children. My house has been broken into, my car has been stolen. My uncle committed suicide over the fact that my dad sexually abused him and no one believed him. My father is a sexual predator/ molester/ whatever you want to call it. I’ve been mugged, pretty much every single crime you can think of has been perpetrated against me. Yet, I still stand. Wobbly and shaking and reaching out for something to hold on to for support…but I’m still upright.

But I’m no longer resilient. This has changed me. I’ve given up.

I used to be much happier. I saw a video of myself today from a while back and I couldn’t believe how funny, energetic, and happy I was. I didn’t even know the girl in the video. It was surreal to watch someone who looks so much like me be so completely different from who I am now. Is that what depression does to you? Is that what anxiety and PTSD does? Is that what happens when you’ve lost hope and people have dipped out of your life because they simply don’t care? Do you turn into this wasteland of a body with nothing but numbingly sharp emotions and tears and fears? Do you just have so much rage inside that you have to act- even if that means hurting yourself?

Published January 18, 2018 by Chloe Madison

Just like before I was hospitalized, I’ve decided it’s probably healthier for me to not return and reread my posts. It’s like a dog returning to it’s vomit. To me, this is poison and I want to get it out and leave it out. But because of that, I can’t quite remember what I said in my last post. What I do remember is being super angry at God and feeling like I wasn’t being fair to him. As if He needs me to be fair.

But I have been feeling guilt about it. I most definitely am still angry. But it’s only right that I also say what else I’m feeling about God. And that is thankfulness. There have been many things that I’ve spent YEARS praying for. And one of those things has changed for the better just this past month. I cannot get away without acknowledging that from God. I am grateful, even though it may sound like I’m not.

I know I have conflicting feelings toward God- anger and thankfulness don’t normally go together. But this is where I am and what I’m trying to work through. I am so grateful for seeing God work this past summer- not only in keeping me alive, but I saw Him work in other people’s lives too.

Since I was hospitalized though…I haven’t seen much from Him. I feel abandoned by Him. And by others including my friends who are no longer speaking to me. I don’t know why I can’t move past that. I’m stunned at their actions. Still.

Regardless, I’m grateful for seeing God work this past summer and for what He’s done this past month. As angry as I am, I felt I needed to be fair in acknowledging my gratitude.

I’m just a mess. A huge, complicated mess. My life has fallen apart SO MUCH MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE because of the hospitalization. I’m not sure I can ever move beyond that.

I can sit here and pretend it doesn’t bother me, pretend it doesn’t hurt me, pretend it hasn’t deeply affected and torn through my psyche, pretend it hasn’t irreparably damaged my soul….but that’s a lie.

Published January 15, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I don’t know why God would leave me alone here. I don’t know why God would take away so many people- through death or suicide or distance or those who just plain surrendered our friendship. People always say God won’t give you more than you can handle. I’d wholeheartedly disagree.

I know I have my two best friends- both across the country- who love me and care about me. There are very few people who truly support me, in an emotional and/or spiritual way, and those people, my best friends included, are so far away.

I try to have faith in God. He’s given me so much. He’s intercepted my dark path repeatedly and provided me with people who care. But it seems like all that is gone. I am alone, like I always have been. I keep thinking if I just hold on to the last thread- if I don’t give in to the darkness- God will catch me. He’ll support me. I felt supported in the past. Now, I’m just sinking. It’s like a heavy bog…dense, dark, and thick. You can’t float in it and you can’t swim in it. Only God can save you from it. And He likes to be silent with me. He makes me think He’s far, far away, that He doesn’t truly care, that He’s got more important things to do. I know I’m nobody. I know that. I wouldn’t dare think otherwise. But why would God be there or answer you or intercede some times and at other times…in what seems your most desperate and darkest hours, He chooses to leave you? I don’t understand.

Published January 13, 2018 by Chloe Madison

I planned on staying in bed for the next 3 days. I took multiple sleeping pills last night and was still up until 4:30am. I slept hard after that. It’s just after 11am and I’m up and having a drink and I dgaf.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. All the people who have passed away recently- I’m trying to grieve them in a healthy way. Since last night, I’ve been inundated with thoughts of how I’m not free to express myself. I fear it might sound like I’m whining. I DO have the awesome privilege of living in a free country. But it’s really not free. I understand people don’t want you to hurt yourself, but shouldn’t that be a personal choice? As long as you’re not hurting others? I understand not hurting other people- obviously.

I was talking with my therapist about my anger. Specifically, I’m really bothered with my anger with God. And there’s my distrust of God. My therapist suggested that maybe part of it is that God is SAFE for me to be mad at. Even though I don’t want to talk to him right now and even though I don’t trust him…deep, deep down inside, I know that he’ll always be there for me. He’ll always be there with open arms ready to take me back. That’s true, isn’t it?

But I don’t know how to move beyond my anger and distrust of God. And all men, for that matter. That’s such a far reaching issue for me. I think that’s why I’m in awe of the very, very few men who I’ve found to be safe. I’m not sure.

Last Sunday when I was sitting in church, aside from the thoughts of feeling unwanted and that everything was lies, I envisioned my head getting blown off by gunshot. In slow motion. Again.

That’s NOT my fault. And yet I’m so scared to share things like that for fear of getting locked up. Even though I know that my friend who called 911 is no longer reading this blog, I can’t help but be fearful about saying too much. I’m tired of not being able to be honest with people. I’m tired of not being free to be myself with people. When I am, it backfires. Immensely. 😞 I say too much and get locked up or my “friends” abandon me and refuse to visit me in the hospital. I’m STILL digesting that. I still haven’t figured that out. All I can think is bad things about them- that they’re the most selfish people on the planet and once being my friend made them have to go out of their way, they bailed. I can’t remember where I heard this- I think it was from a sermon- but it was something like, loving people means you’ll need to go out of your way. It’s not always convenient for you. I think I might even have written about that before because it struck me so hard. And it is so, so true. No matter how busy people are, they WILL make time for what’s a priority to them. They will. It’s hard for me to swallow the fact that I wasn’t loved enough by my friends for them to take time to visit me. It’s hard for me to swallow the fact that others, not only them, have distanced themselves from me. That hurts so, so much. I don’t have the words to express how much it hurts. And I’m trying to take it like an adult. I’m trying to not internalize it to equate to my self-worth. But it’s hard for me to believe I’m worth something if other people don’t believe that. That’s the simple truth.

Published December 29, 2017 by Chloe Madison

My mom told me I was garbage. 😣 The only plus side is she kept saying it in past tense- as if I wasn’t currently garbage. I responded, “MOM!!!!?” And she said, “Well, you WERE GARBAGE!” I’m so sick of her degrading me. She said this in front of my brother and his wife and his little children. 😓

She criticizes everyone- even strangers. Loudly. It’s embarrassing, but I follow behind her and apologize to people. It’s becoming ridiculous. She is so unwaveringly negative….it’s astounding. I don’t think I should deal with this anymore, but she’s my mom. My inclination is to keep my distance- for my own sanity- not to be rude or anything. But I swear, I really think she’s getting worse every time I see her.

She knows I’m struggling so hard with self-worth…and yet she couldn’t stop herself from saying something negative to me. 😞 I’m so over this.

It makes me want to disappear. It’s like…I feel so out of place or unwanted or alone or like I don’t fit in where I live. But when I go to my mom’s, it’s worse. I feel like there’s no place I have a respite where I can just be myself. I need that. I remember craving that so badly this past summer and literally wandering all over this God forsaken country, with no place to go….

I tried to focus on the positive. I posted only positive pics on Facebook. They were of my brother’s beautiful children. I love babies. 🤗 They’re so sweet and they won’t ever criticize you. Even though it gives the illusion that everything is wonderful, I’d rather post nice things on FB so I don’t spread negativity.

I’ve had several nightmares the last few nights. I remembered them when I woke up- but now I can’t recall them. One was bad. I couldn’t go back to sleep for hours after that one. But I’m sleeping more now- so I can’t complain.

My brother never asked why I was in the hospital. Neither did his wife. So I didn’t say a word about it. I wanted to tell him…I’m torn between not saying anything and wanting to say something, just so I can have his support. But it’s not fair to sacrifice his happiness so I can have his support in this. So I guess what God wanted to happen happened. I let it play out naturally.

I’ve been thinking about it so, so much lately. I don’t know why I can’t get it out of my head. I’m starting to just let my thoughts go with it. It makes me so mad that it’s not ok to think about this stuff or to do it. I think it should be legal and that people should just let others do as they please, as long as they’re not hurting anyone else. I think it’s completely f***ed up that I can’t do what I want with my own body. I saw that in the Netherlands, they’re trying to make it legal. I might need to go there just so I can be left alone and not be so paranoid to talk about it. I really wish I had someone to talk to about it that I could trust. That doesn’t exist though.