thankful

All posts tagged thankful

Published December 2, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Overall, I’m doing good at the moment. Battling a borderline migraine for who knows how many times this week. Since I got the first of the bills, migraines have been off the chart in terms of frequency. I’ve never had this many in one week.

I’m so thankful today is Saturday and I can rest- as opposed to having to go to work. Didn’t sleep much last night. I’ve been up since 3am. Lots of weird dreams lately, but only one nightmare and it wasn’t all that bad.

When I’m upset, I keep forgetting to say and focus on what I’m thankful for. So I think I neglected to do that in my last few posts?

Even though I’m still shocked that my two longest friends abandoned me in my greatest time of need, it makes me all the more grateful for those who didn’t. I kind of reconnected with a friend yesterday who’s been super busy and that meant a ton to me. One of my best friends has been being great at supporting me even though she’s across the country. Nearly every day she’s sent me a text just saying hi or asking how I am. That means a lot, knowing that I’m not forgotten.

I’ve been thinking about some of the most meaningful messages I’ve received recently and how incredibly grateful I am for them. One very old friend who I haven’t seen in over a decade sent me an email right before Thanksgiving:

I can’t remember what skit he was talking about but it doesn’t matter. I’m so thankful for his kind words and his timing was impeccable.

Another friend sent these messages a while back…maybe a month ago?

I remember thinking that last message was super cool. I smiled, which is rare these days.

I’m thankful for the few people I have supporting me. They’re vital to my survival. I’m thankful for my job. I’m thankful for God “rescuing” me from that horrible place I was locked up in. I’m so thankful I can rest today.

And yesterday, I did an interview (anonymously) about my story. I hope that God can and will use it to somehow help others. I’m not sure how that would work, but I know God is capable of anything. I pray that He will bless and use that- it would help make me feel useful in this world. The interviewer brought up the idea of me speaking at camps for young adults or even teenagers. Man…that would be awesome. But again, I’m not sure how that would happen.

Today, I’m thankful for a lot.

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Published November 28, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Overall, today was a good day. It was good to get back to work and see everyone. People told me they missed me over Thanksgiving break and that was a nice surprise to hear. Plus, I REALLY don’t do well when I have too much free time to let my brain wander and stew on my issues. So it’s good to get back to work and feel productive.

I woke up last night at 2am with a migraine. Stupid hospital bills stressing me out. I got another one today- another $6,000 something for the 5 days. I’m suspicious though that there might be more- how can 8 hours in the ER cost three times more than 5 days and nights in a hospital? Is that normal? Anyway, I’m worried there might be some more charges coming. I got additional charges for the ER doctor…and there weren’t any charges yet for the hospital doctors for the 5 days…(YIKES!!!) I’m worried that will be coming soon… 😨

I just keep repeating to myself, “don’t freak out!”

“Don’t freak out!”

“Don’t freak out!”

Gah….😓 I cannot handle this. I cannot handle any more strain on my life. I kept saying to myself over and over again today, “my life is not worth $16,000!!!”

And it’s not. It’s so true. 😦

Alright…what I’m thankful for: I’m thankful for having a good, albeit headache-filled day at work. I’m thankful for better dreams these last few days- I literally dreamed of puppies and ice cream and donuts! 😂 I kid you not! The puppies were drowning…but in my dream, we saved them all and got them all adopted. So it all worked out well. No nightmares last night either… but I was awake at 2am and couldn’t go back to sleep (even with sleeping pills). Hopefully, that won’t happen tonight.

I’m also thankful for something else. I thought a lot about my uncle yesterday and I meant to write that I was thankful for this yesterday, but I got side tracked when I got the hospital bills. I was thinking how he told people that my dad sexually abused him and no one believed him. Knowing that my grandma knew about my abuse and conspired to cover it up…I believe that she believed my uncle, but maybe acted like she didn’t in order to keep it all quiet and protect my dad. But, everyone else that he told… no one believed him. That makes me so sad. I was thinking about that and I realized that I haven’t had that issue. Yes, my mom and grandma knew all along and did nothing to help me or protect me…but I never told them. I never told anyone until I was 18 years old. That’s the first time I had the courage to say a word. I never had the experience of someone not believing me. And that’s what I’m thankful for. I can’t imagine how much more damaging this could be if I was told I wasn’t believed. It made me see that my uncle had more damage done by not having support when he sought it out. That’s so messed up. I’m so grateful that the very few people I’ve shared with have had my back….(minus my two friends who jumped ship recently).

When I think about suicide, I find myself rationalizing that I share the same fate as my uncle. I told myself that over and over. He didn’t survive what my dad did, why would I? He committed suicide, it must be my fate as well. Am I stronger than he is? No way! So why do I think I’d survive when he didn’t? He lived for decades and decades and STILL wound up succumbing to his psychological injuries. My dad will ultimately be responsible for two deaths…and for wrecking who knows how many lives!

…This is what I told myself and this is how I thought. And yesterday when I was thinking about no one believing my uncle, I thought that he must have had it harder. It’s must have been so much more difficult for him because people didn’t believe him. He saw my dad all the time and knew my dad got away with disgusting, evil acts. And HIS OWNMOTHER covered it up. I mean…mine did too. But still…

My fear of not being believed only manifested in one instance and that was with Joe. He had always physically, intellectually, and psychologically intimidated me. Before the rape occurred, he had already been physically violent with both myself and my little dog. So I had already been staying away from him. We were no longer friends because he broke the septum in my nose when he slammed my head against a wall. I had been tapping on something and it had annoyed him. That was the last time I ever talked to him. I was scared and stayed away after that. And months later, the rape occurred. And now…he’s an attorney. Geez…I feel even more intimidated by his occupation. There’s no way I could accuse him without massive fear and anxiety regarding retaliation on his part. I’m almost certain of it. So I see how a fear of not being believed can affect you. I can’t imagine how much that affected my uncle when he tried to confide in people.

I’m trying really, really hard. Things aren’t going well. I’m more deeply depressed than before…but I don’t know if that’s because of the meds or my nice little stay in the hospital that’s giving me a complex. I feel so ashamed of it. My one friend who visited me (and who drove two hours to do so) told me the other day that the hospitalization “doesn’t define you.” I really needed to hear that. I don’t know how she read my thoughts…I’ve been so down on myself for getting hospitalized and feeling like if people find out, they’ll think I’m a looney. It makes me so much more scared to share with anyone. I don’t blame people- I think they’d subconsciously judge me or hold it against me. Anyway, I need to internalize that idea- that this hospitalization doesn’t define me. God does, right?

That’s all I need- another identity crisis.

Published November 23, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’m so grateful yesterday was a good day because today hasn’t been. I can’t believe this day is turning out so terrible and it’s not even 11am yet.

I saw a friend’s post on FB that really hurt my feelings. I instantly burst out crying.

I can’t handle anything right now. I can’t stop crying since I saw this post. I feel so hurt.

This morning, we ran out of orange juice and were low on biscuits. I poured orange juice for everyone but myself (because we ran out). I told my mom “don’t worry, I won’t eat biscuits” trying to make her feel ok about not having enough for everyone. She retorted with “This isn’t about you not wanting biscuits- other people want biscuits, y’know!” In an instant, her words pierce my heart. Why does she always assume the worst? Why is she always so mean to me? She’s known me my whole life- doesn’t she know my heart well enough to know I was just trying to help? Why can’t she show just a little respect? I just can’t handle it.

Then an hour later, I see my friend’s post that ******** me and my heart sunk. My chest started burning and tears welled up. I couldn’t control it. The ****** I ***** most doesn’t ***** me in the slightest.

What do I do with that? Do I just tell myself to let it go? Do I try to rationalize? Do I pretend it was a mistake? Do I try to make it hurt less somehow? Do I face the music and realize this person simply doesn’t ***** me?

I just don’t know how.

I’m trying to not base my self worth on how others treat me- I’m just so overly sensitive right now and I’m taking everything so personally. And if I was a strong, healthy person, I wouldn’t base my self-worth on how I’m treated. But I’m not a strong, healthy person yet. I’m grasping at thin air when it comes to trying to prove to myself that I should live. I am using others’ treatment of me to show myself that I’m loved and cared for. I guess that’s why this hurts so much. The person who it’s coming from is one of the greatest people ever. And that makes it hurt more. I wish I didn’t need others. I wish I didn’t need the approval of others or love from others. But I’m human. A flawed, broken, hurting human with nothing to offer. And I’m sorry for that.

I’m not a problem to solve. I’m a human being with feelings. I just want to be treated with respect and love. I don’t want to feel like I’m not worthy of that.

I really am grateful for my friends. I’m grateful for time I got to spend with my family. I’m grateful for smiles- the only smiles that consistently came my way were from my baby nephew. I’m so grateful for that. I’m so grateful to those people who were there for me when I got locked up. A few people bailed on me, but others came through. And I am so, so thankful for them.