Y’know, people wonder why I don’t want to share with others. People wonder why I’m so hesitant to reach out. Here’s why.
I got drunk at home last Friday night, wrote a despondent blog here, cut to release (very superficially- it was NOT a suicide attempt), and promptly went to sleep. I decided I wanted to sleep in so I turned the ringer on my phone down low. Cops started banging on my door around 8pm maybe?
A friend had read my blog, which was alarming to him, and texted. When he couldn’t get a hold of me, he called 911. Why couldn’t he just send a mutual friend over to check on me? I don’t know. Why couldn’t he call or text a few times instead of just once? I don’t know. Maybe I would have woken up.
The police refused to believe me when I said I was fine. But I was intoxicated still and I’m not sure how I was presenting to them.
They took me against my will to the ER. I was compliant and polite, but made it known that it was not my wish to go. To make a long story short, I was locked up in a mental health facility against my will because they thought I was going to commit suicide.
For five days.
Within a half hour of being picked up, I frantically started calling friends to help. My main concern was my dog. He just had surgery and needed his meds at 6am. I was so worried I couldn’t find someone to take care of him and make sure he got his medicine on time.
It actually took me several hours to find someone.
I was so instantly distressed that within an hour of being in the ER, diarrhea started. It was incredibly embarrassing because they wouldn’t let me use the bathroom alone. My body began freaking out.
I was in the ER for 8-9 hours before I was transported to an awful, awful place…which was chosen because it was the “first place that had a bed open.” In the ER, I counted 7 times that I had diarrhea. It continued and got worse as I began throwing up once I was transferred. I eventually held my vomit in- I didn’t want them to think I was trying to “harm myself” by puking. I was so scared they would hold it against me.
I was stuck…locked up. I needed help. I needed support. I needed friends.
My closest friends here are a married couple. I’ve known them for about 25 years now. They’re friends from my hometown church youth group. They were unavailable that Fri night, but I talked to her the next day. I asked her to bring me clothes to wear. I was still in my sleeping clothes from the night before. She said she would come the next day (on Sunday) and that I could wait, that I’ve “been through worse than wearing the same clothes for 2 days in a row.” (Wtf?!?!)
I decided to reach out to a different friend whom I’m not close to- but who was much more willing to help. Sure enough, my friend didn’t come visit me on Sunday like she said she would. I messaged her on Facebook after waiting all day for her, asking if she was coming. I told both her and her husband how much I needed their support and their visit. They refused. She messaged saying she supported me, but wouldn’t be visiting. What in the actual f*ck??? I messaged back, saying “Wow. Thanks for the support.”
I was locked up for 3 more days after that- a total of 5 days.
They refused to visit me for five days.
They STILL have not bothered to call or text or message to see how I am. For all I know, they don’t even know I’ve been discharged.
I was in the BIGGEST crisis of my life and they refused to support me or even talk to me. Do you understand why I don’t share things now??
My friend who called 911… we spoke once on the phone when I was locked up and once after I got out. I was honest and told him I still (and always will) respect him and adore him, but at the moment, I’m mad and hurt by what happened. I told him I knew I’d eventually get over it…but it still hurts.
I have texted him every single day now and he won’t respond. On Facebook, I commented on one of his posts, asking how his dog was and he didn’t answer me. He answered others though. I got so embarrassed that I deleted my comment. I guess he’s avoiding me now? I don’t know. Is this temporary? Is this permanent? I have no clue.
But there goes another one. You can’t sit here and tell me people love me and support me when they choose to walk out of my life.
THIS is why I don’t share. This is why I don’t open up. I KNOW I’m dealing with a lot. I know I come with a ton of baggage- even for friends. That’s NOT MY FAULT!! I know it’s a lot for others to handle. This is exactly why I’m so reluctant to share myself with others.
It’s the last thing in the world I need.
People who know my whole story tend to wind up rejecting me. I don’t know why.
What I DO KNOW is that I don’t need any additional negativity in my life. I don’t need rejection. I need support.
I know all my baggage is too much. That’s why I come to a place like this. Where I can be myself and at least, not be outright rejected.
Friends- the good:
-My two best friends who live across the country were a great support to me, they called every day that I was locked up, and one even offered to fly out.
-Another friend drove an hour and a half to come visit me there and she called as well.
-The second friend I asked to get clothes for me did so. She visited for a while that day and listened to me. She’s also the one who came to pick me up when I was discharged. I had no one else.
-My closest and longest friends abandoned me in my greatest time of need- in a CRISIS, they chose to not be there. I’m still stunned and don’t know what to make of it.
-My friend who called 911 isn’t speaking to me now and it’s breaking my heart. He was my biggest supporter and encourager. I love him and his entire family so much and I fear I’ve lost them. I’ve told him this. There’s still no response from him.
-I was told several times that my pastor would visit me when I was locked up. He didn’t. He called Thursday, 6 days after I got locked up and left a message saying he’d call back. He never did.
Do you know how hard it was to sit there and watch person after person get visitor after visitor? This is why I feel so alone. I was locked up ALONE and left in there all ALONE.
You can’t tell me people CARE. It’s fucking bullshit. I know I’m not making myself lovable. I’m not tying to…I’m simply trying to be myself and get through my own crap in my head and heart. As soon as people find out, I get rejected left and right.
This is why I don’t share. I don’t want to be rejected. It’s that simple.