friends

All posts tagged friends

t

Published October 9, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I constantly see him. My mind goes back and forth between him alive- smiling, laughing, joking, talking, taking pictures…to him in death- his eye bulging out, his blood pumping onto the ground around his head, his face, mouth, teeth, his tongue lolled back.

I’d much rather see the image of him alive, but I have no control over what comes. Both make me sad. His eye and tongue and mouth- his whole face haunts me. 

Hours and hours sitting with him…  Half the day consumed. I got up the next day and saw that I’d gotten mud all in my bed. I had never changed clothes…I was still covered in mud from being on the ground with him. I don’t remember driving home and I don’t remember going to bed. The next afternoon, I posted pictures of the scenery as if nothing had happened. I never told anyone. What’s wrong with me?? That I would post pictures and not say a word about the life lost? I question my sanity, my selfishness…I wasn’t trying to ignore his death- I just didn’t think it was fit for public posting. Obviously. 

My heart, my soul, even my body feels so heavy with all that is happening. I’m so deeply saddened by his loss and the loss felt by his family…by the tragedy in Vegas and all the people hurt by the maddening violence…by my precious little companion getting more and more sick…by this **** that I wrote, fearing that people will be angry with me and not understanding…by my own tragedy and that of my bloodline that I can’t seem to overcome.

 

—————————————————

Yesterday, my heart felt so destroyed. I couldn’t believe how bad I was feeling. I was utterly devastated. It could have been compounded by the fact that the night before was sleepless. For not having slept, I thought I felt ok. But emotionally, I was absolutely destroyed. I broke down crying while walking across a parking lot. I stopped and sat on a boulder and asked God how I could carry on if I felt so wrecked. I was SO CLOSE to doing something to permanently end it all. It was the first time that I didn’t plan anything ahead of time. It was simply being overwhelmed by sadness that made me decide there was no end and no way out. As I sat on the boulder crying and thinking of the ways I could end it- I thought…of a chocolate shake. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I thought maybe a good chocolate shake could make me feel better, could maybe distract me for a time until my mind left that place. So I went and got an extra chocolately shake and devoured it. I did not feel better. But then, a friend started texting. I got consumed in the conversation and before I knew it, hours had passed, it was nighttime, and I hadn’t done anything negative. Not only that, but I realized later on that yesterday was the first day in months that I hadn’t self-medicated. 

What was a terribly devastating day…hours of feeling deeply sad…that brought me lower than I could have imagined…turned into distraction by a chocolate shake…and then distraction by the conversation with my friend. If that chocolate shake didn’t happen…if my friend never texted…I’m afraid I wouldn’t be writing these words here now. 

Advertisements

e

Published September 18, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Things are getting worse and worse. I’m getting worse and worse. I’m so full of hate and anger- and most of it is directed toward myself. Every single day, I self-medicate. Nearly every week for a while now, I’ve gone even further.

I cried all day long today. I was walking and crying and talking with God. I was asking God what’s wrong with me. Why am I all alone? Why can’t I keep friends? Then, of course, I asked God to take me. Again. I tried to reason with him- telling him how I’m no good here. I’m no good to anyone or for anyone.  I’m not helping anyone with my life. I’m not pointing anyone to God. Not a single soul on this earth is benefitting from me. I’m absolutley useless. And then there’s just my own selfish point of view. My life is hard. It’s lonely. I’m struggling with all these traumatic issues and I’m struggling financially and I don’t ever see that changing. I just don’t have it in me to keep fighting and clawing my way through life. 

But I need to return to the fact that there must be something wrong with me- with the fact that I can’t keep friendships. I am the common denominator here. I’m not blind to that fact. I question myself constantly. I wonder if the shortcomings that I see in others are really my own? 

I know I’ve purposely withdrawn from everyone– people I’m close to, people I barely know…

I have a good friend that I lost today. I have point blank told her straight up that I need her, that I’m suicidal…and she still can’t seem to find not even 10 minutes to spend with me. I keep thinking I must be unreasonable in some way, that I must be doing something wrong to push her away…maybe I am and I’m too blind to see? I have a feeling my roommate (her friend) has been filling her head with negativity about me. Maybe I’m being paranoid- maybe that’s not the case. But I can’t figure anything else out. I’ve asked her over and over and over again to simply hang out, meet for drinks, meet up for dinner…every single time the answer is no. Yet, she has time to meet up with other friends. So I thought maybe I just wasn’t communicating my desperation, the seriousness of my current situation…I thought if I did that, surely she could repriorotize and find some time for me. So, in March, after battling this depression alone for 8 months, I finally told her everything I was struggling with. She acted all concerned at the time, but then I didn’t see her for 4 months. After so many ******** these last 2 months, I decided to reach out to her again. She’s my oldest and closest friend here. You would think she would want to help. But to my shock…no. And I’m having a hard time digesting that. 

Today, I sent her a message. I told her again how I’m suicidal and really need her friendship right now. I honestly give up. I should have given up a long time ago. Our “friendship” has dwindled over the years. She’s always been too busy to spend any time. I just thought maybe she would repriorotize for once and go out of her way to make some time. Obviously, I’m wrong. And truthfully, that’s devastating. It simply confirms my inner dialogue that says no one cares, I’m worth nothing, I’m not even worth an hour of anyone’s time. This truth hurts and tears away at me, disintegrating my insides. But it is truth. I need to man up and deal with it. 

This does make me incredibly grateful for some amazing friends that I do have. The problem is that every single one of those friends is very, very far away. There’s only so much they can do. But they are amazing people and have taught me how incredible friendship can be. I’m learning from all of them. I’m learning a lot. 

I’m even to the point of thinking about moving away from here. I have no one here. I feel so isolated that it’s ridiculous. And yet, when I think about it, I know it won’t solve any of my problems. I’d love to live closer to a best friend- but all my friends are married and do have lives full of work, spouses, children, other concerns. I’m afraid to expect too much from anyone. I know people can’t solve my problems anyway. I’m really not expecting them to. 
I know I need to look to God. I asked him to take me tonight- like, take my life. I’ve asked that so many times and have gotten frustrated so many times because he hasn’t. After almost immediately realizing God wouldn’t be doing that for me, I then asked him to take my life- as in, use it. Use it for others. Use it for his kingdom. I don’t see how God can (nor will) use someone as lame and weak and useless as I am. And I also know that truthfully…I’ve been running from God. I’ve had my back turned to him and every time he even taps me on the shoulder, I take off running. I’m not quite sure what that’s all about. But I know I’m the one to blame. With everything. And everyone. I own that. 

Friends or no friends, alone or with someone by my side… 

I don’t know that I can carry on…

T

Published September 15, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I absolutely f**king hate people. Almost every single person I know is bad. People are selfish beyond belief. I can’t deal with it anymore. I just can’t. 

I know people aren’t perfect. I honestly don’t think I’m expecting that. Just simple respect…  to purposely hurt someone… it just blows my mind. 

I refuse to accept that for myself or anyone else. It’s not ok. 

I’m hurt. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone here to turn to.  So I simply write about it. 

Black and White

Published September 9, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’m so…pissed off, angry, hurt, sad, filled with anxiety! I’m so everything right now. 

I’m so frustrated with people who have refused to evacuate for this hurricane. “My cat doesn’t evacuate” is the lamest excuse I’ve heard. She says her cat doesn’t deal well with being transported. Throw the cat in a pet carrier and go! I have another friend who’s staying ON HIS BOAT right where the eye is supposed to hit. I’ve told him to leave so many times and he won’t. What can I do? 

I have one pocket of family that lives in Cape Coral and my elderly uncle is staying with them for the storm. They’re expecting storm surge of 6 feet in their house. Why stay through that?? Why put your children through that? Again, what more can I do than offer advice and line up places for them to stay. If they refuse to go, I can’t help that. 

Yesterday afternoon, I texted a friend and asked her to hang out. No response until today. I don’t know why I keep looking to the same people to help when the same people have let me down over and over. This is the same friend that says I’m too “black and white” in my response to disappointment. She says I don’t give people other chances when they let me down. But here I am, doing just that with her- and she continues to let me down. I need to cut ties. For my own sanity. I need to stop thinking people care when they really don’t. 

At the last event I went to, I did a big favor for a fan. A favor I hate doing. He couldn’t go so he asked me to get some pictures signed for him. Thirty pictures of thirty different people!! It took me hours to go around finding everyone, but I did it. I joked with him when I got back that I “forgot” to get his pictures signed. I figured when I mailed them back to him and he saw they were all signed, he’d get a good laugh out of it and would be really happy. But I’ve heard nothing from him. So I messaged, asking if he got his pictures. No response. Today I saw that he UNFRIENDED me on Facebook. Woooowwww. So you’re telling me that you will throw me away because I didn’t do a favor for you? Unfreakingbelievable. I’m shocked. And very angry. I’ve already been thrown away by him. But this is where I get black and white. I honestly don’t want people in my life like that. If I need to do you favors in order for you to see me as valuable, forget it. If you throw me away when I don’t do a favor for you, forget it. I honestly do not want nor need people like that in my life. Call it being too black and white. I really don’t care. 

I feel like I’m in a phase of my life where I really need to protect myself. My feelings are so hurt by this. By my friend dissing me. By this guy unfriending me and refusing to respond. By my family and friends in Fl not taking this storm nor my fear for their safety seriously. 
But it’s more than that…I feel like there’s something really wrong with me that I’m just not seeing. I can sit here and recount how I’m dissed by this person, ignored by that person, thrown away by another. But who’s the common denominator here? Me. What am I doing wrong? I must be doing something wrong. I just don’t know what.  

The last few days I’ve been overly concerned about the hurricane and yet…I cannot stop thinking about something. 

It was about two weeks ago. I was convinced that I would die that weekend through either direct or indirect action taken by myself. My mom had always said to shave well and do your nails and toenails before surgery…she says nurses and other staff sometimes make fun of people while they’re under anesthesia because they’re unkempt. So I thought of this. I thought when someone finds my body, even though I might be bloated and smelly, I should be clean. So I took a super long shower. I washed and scrubbed, shaved and shaved again. I kept picturing whoever would find me. I kept thinking I’d try to be as unpleasant looking as possible…for a dead body. I did this in a weird kind of trance. I was out of it, but not really because I was thinking and planning. And for some reason, even with everything going on…I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that. It won’t go away. 

That’s part of why I tried to reach out to my friend last night. I was so back and forth between being self-destructive and not. I was hoping some company could distract me and keep my mind off that. 

I guess for now, focusing on the hurricane and on my friends and family there will actually be helpful. I’d rather focus on them than myself anyway. Thinking of the state I was in, the way I got ready for someone to find my body…that’s messing with my head. Big time. I want it to stop.

Cat 5

Published September 6, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Self medicating again…as tears stream down my face. 

I feel pretty overwhelmed at the moment. I’m originally from Miami, FL and went through Category 5 Hurricane Andrew. I’m stressing for all of my family and friends who are in the path of Category 5 Hurricane Irma. Memories are flooding back to me. I want to reach out, to help, and I feel powerless. I ask my roommate if it’s ok that I offer asylum to my closest friends and family members if they need a place to evacuate to. (I live on the other side of the country- it’s simply not feasible for someone to come here to evacuate- so it’s a remote possibility that anyone could take me up on it) but I feel I have nothing else to offer them in their fear and panic. My roommate says no. 🙄😡 I’m stunned and furious that I can’t help my own family members!! I don’t even know what to say. 

That’s not even the real reason why I’m so perturbed. I texted my aunt today- the one who was married to my uncle who committed suicide because my dad sexually abused him and no one believed him. I wanted to offer her a place to stay if she needed. Since I hadn’t talked with her since my uncle’s suicide, I took the opportunity to tell her I wanted to talk to her about my uncle and my dad. After playing phone tag all day, we finally spoke. We talked about her evacuation plans… and then, I chickened out on the rest of it. I told her I’d rather talk in person and maybe I could see her the next time I’m in Florida. She all too quickly hung up the phone. Was she disappointed in me? Did she know what I wanted to talk about and did she not want to discuss it? Was I wasting her time? I have no clue. But the swiftness with which she hung up left me feeling incredibly uneasy. 

Talking to her, telling her what my uncle always said happened WAS TRUE, telling her how my dad sexually abused me too- I’ve been thinking about telling her all of this for over a year now. I was thinking today would be the day. I was so disappointed in myself that I couldn’t spit it out. Of course, this is a conversation better had in person. But that means it will be at least a year before we can speak face to face. 

And then of course, I can’t help but think about my unknown neighbor who committed suicide this weekend. I can’t stop thinking about them. It really should have been me. I can’t handle this life. I can’t handle what God has thrown my way. I’m disgusted and embarrassed with how weak I am, how I’m not able to handle these things, this life. I feel so, so badly for my neighbor and what they must have been going through. I just don’t know what to do. 

I’m disappointed in myself for self medicating again- but hey, it’s coping to avoid doing anything else. It’s coping to simply stay alive. My mind is swirling like a category 5. Self medicating is all I have. 

Turmoil

Published August 25, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’ve reached expert level of fucking up every possible thing on the face of this earth…every friendship, every aspect of life, everything. 😖

All I know how to do right is piss people off and push people away. And that doesn’t help anyone. 

I guess I’m not making sense either. I know my emotions and thoughts have been all over the board lately. I’m even confusing myself at times. 

I have such intense detrimental urges. It would be so, so easy to give in. I want to so badly. I deserve it. 😣 I just don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t take it. I can’t take the pain, the rejection, the turmoil.

I asked a friend to stay with me for part of the weekend. Was denied. I’m trying hard to do the right thing- even if I don’t want to. 

I feel rejected by everyone. I know that can’t be right. I know I must be perceiving things incorrectly somehow. Logic tells me that- but my emotions and perceptions tell me otherwise. I’m finding it so difficult to talk- like truly talk, openly and honestly, to people without chasing them away. The flip side of that is that I haven’t been openly forthcoming with certain things. And that’s my fault. All of this is. I certainly take ownership of that.

I think I’m just too much. Too much garbage going on. Too many conflicting emotions and thoughts, too draining on people, too much of a burden. I don’t want to be like that. No one does. 😞

I see myself as an annoyance and a burden to some, just not really cared for by others. 

And then…I get messages like this. This is from someone whom I met once and talked with for about 20 minutes. 

I cherish any kind of nice and/ or encouraging messages I get…even from strangers. 

But I really need my friends right now. 

*

Published August 13, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I wrote a long post last night and was too embarrassed to publish it. It was about feeling unwanted, left out, and not fitting in. 

I have no handle, like no idea what’s wrong with me. I mean, I know what issues I’m dealing with. I just don’t understand how that reflects or translates on to the public or relationships. 

My thought is that If I survive this (which is not likely), then I’ll be destined to a life of a recluse. I just don’t see it panning out any other way. 

I have nothing to offer anyone. Even to someone who’s hurting…it should be relatively easy to help or do something that can make a hurting person’s day better. Am I wrong? Maybe I am. I’m just so empty inside. Hollow isn’t even a strong enough word to describe it…it’s more like a huge vacuum. I just have absolutely nothing to offer. 

I’m on a plane right now and we’re over the ocean. I think how beautiful it is and how much I wish our plane would go down. I surely don’t want to hurt anyone else, but it seems fitting for my life to end. 

Defunct. This is the word I think of when I think of how I’m going to keep functioning in society. Things are getting worse and worse. I’m getting worse and worse. More and more depressed, more dysfunctional in relationships, more socially dysfunctional, less able to function as an adult. God. This is why I don’t see anything ending “well.” 

I feel like I’m beyond help. No one can fix this.