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Published August 13, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I wrote a long post last night and was too embarrassed to publish it. It was about feeling unwanted, left out, and not fitting in. 

I have no handle, like no idea what’s wrong with me. I mean, I know what issues I’m dealing with. I just don’t understand how that reflects or translates on to the public or relationships. 

My thought is that If I survive this (which is not likely), then I’ll be destined to a life of a recluse. I just don’t see it panning out any other way. 

I have nothing to offer anyone. Even to someone who’s hurting…it should be relatively easy to help or do something that can make a hurting person’s day better. Am I wrong? Maybe I am. I’m just so empty inside. Hollow isn’t even a strong enough word to describe it…it’s more like a huge vacuum. I just have absolutely nothing to offer. 

I’m on a plane right now and we’re over the ocean. I think how beautiful it is and how much I wish our plane would go down. I surely don’t want to hurt anyone else, but it seems fitting for my life to end. 

Defunct. This is the word I think of when I think of how I’m going to keep functioning in society. Things are getting worse and worse. I’m getting worse and worse. More and more depressed, more dysfunctional in relationships, more socially dysfunctional, less able to function as an adult. God. This is why I don’t see anything ending “well.” 

I feel like I’m beyond help. No one can fix this. 

Surprise 

Published August 5, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’m not quite sure how to describe what happened tonight. I think it was a surprise party…? 

I feel like I didn’t respond quite the way people wanted, but I was so shocked that I couldn’t do anything but stand there and smile. And hug people. And say thank you. 

These are my church people and I was just stunned to see everyone there. I’m still digesting it all. I couldn’t thank everyone enough. 

As I was driving home, I was trying really hard to remember- I don’t think I’ve ever had a surprise party before. But y’know what? I did. One time a “friend” told me how unattractive I was. Once I confided in my best friend how much this had hurt my feelings, she made this other “friend” work with her to arrange a surprise “Chloe, you’re beautiful” party. 😂 It was just the two of them and myself. Yep. That’s the only surprise party aside from tonight that I’ve ever had. 

So this one was really special. I came home, read and reread cards, rewatched a video message from some long distance friends, and admired the balloons I got to take home. I felt like a little kid- I really enjoyed it. 

The entire night was surreal though. I felt completely out of it. I cried a few times, but only one person saw it once. I fake smiled the whole time…not that I didn’t want to smile- it was just nearly impossible for my face to do it. I think…I hope I did a good job of showing appreciation.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing…how these people all came together. Wow.  

I don’t deserve it. But I feel lucky. And I’m forever grateful to all these wonderful people. 

I wish I could make myself happy. I wish things like this could give me lingering joy…

Death is…

Published July 13, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Holy God. That was the most difficult thing I’ve done in forever! It makes me REALLY APPRECIATE and I mean, really appreciate people who do this for a living. 

I just visited with a woman who is dying of cancer. We cried. We talked. We cried and talked some more. She cried out to God multiple times, asking him, “Why?! Why me?” And she softly said, “He never answers.”  This made my heart instantly overflow with deep sadness.

I felt powerless to help in any capacity whatsoever. 

She echoed so many sentiments that I feel myself- and yet it made me feel like I didn’t have the right to feel the same way- because my situation isn’t as severe and it’s not as permanent.

She cried as she told me how scared she was. She said it over and over. She’s mad at God too. She doesn’t want to leave her loved ones here on earth.

She said she felt selfish for wanting Rob to not leave- like she needs his support, she needs him present there with her. She talked over and over again about the night they had drinks out on her back deck. They need to do that again. 

Like seriously…I want to pay for a plane ticket for Rob to come back and spend time with her. His company made her so happy…I can relate to that. And I want to give her that again. 

She is an absolutely amazing woman. I was in awe of her, truly. She possesses a bravery that I’ll never have. 

I really do pray for healing for her. I pray that God takes away her pain (she cried as she talked about the pain). I pray that God breathes through her entire body and annihilates every speck of cancer that there is. I pray God sees fit to give her at least a few more years of life that she can enjoy. I pray the Holy Spirit gives her peace and even joy during this time. I pray that God will take away the fear and anxiety that she has about dying and her short future. And I pray that the Holy Spirit would move in her husband’s heart to bring him to know, truly know Jesus.

I silently prayed that God would give me her cancer and let her live carefree. I’ve prayed this already about three times now- even before I met her. I prayed it for another friend (long before I wanted to die) and I’m dead ass serious about it. I don’t play around with shit like that. Even as I drove to see her, I was thinking about it- how people can say that, but if it would come down to physically doing it, how many actually would. With my other friend, I prayed this for the future too. If his cancer ever came back, if I was alive…no matter how happy I might be, no matter how much I might be enjoying life- I told God that I would take his cancer in his place for the remainder of my time here on earth. I’m disheartened to feel like it’s a futile prayer. I don’t think God does that. I mean, think of how many times parents who have had children with terminal illnesses have prayed that they would give their life for their child. And does it ever happen? How many times have we heard of a child with a terminal illness magically and unexplainably getting better while their parent fell ill? 

I don’t understand God. I’ve said that before. I know I’ll understand him when I get to heaven and hopefully, things will make more sense. 

But for now, we’re here. Please pray for Annette. 

Smiles… 

Published July 2, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I’ve spent the week with an old friend and several other families whom I don’t know. We were in an incredibly beautiful place and I feel so fortunate to have experienced that with them. I’m truly grateful. Here was my morning devotional spot for the last week:

Beautiful, huh? 🙂

Unfortunately, everyone was in hard core vacation mode, so most every single adult was perpetually inebriated and obnoxiously loud. I was annoyed within minutes with all these loud, drunk people I didn’t even know…and this lasted nearly a week. I never got to have any kind of a private discussion with my friend. I really needed that. It sucks- but what can you do? 
What’s good is that I got to spend time with her kids, who are wonderful! We had lots of fun conversations with several of us- myself, my friend, and 1-2 of her kids. The one person I got into a deep conversation with was her 16 year old son. We talked about his future and his motivation for why he wants to sacrifice himself and commit to serving others. He’s such an inspiration! I encouraged him to pursue what he felt called to do- even though his parents want him to pursue an entirely different path. I was in awe of his selflessness and his positive attitude toward life, helping others, and his future.  

My friend kept encouraging me to stop in and visit our old neighborhood. 

But I refused to stop in my hometown. I didn’t want to relive or be reminded of any negative memories. I know maybe seeing my childhood home might bring back some happy memories, but with things going the way they are, I didn’t trust that my mind wouldn’t go down a dark path or focus on just the detrimental experiences or memories from there. I mean, so many horrendous events occurred there!! I just didn’t want to go back.

I did, however, want to go visit the cemetery where my dad is. I wanted to tell him out loud, “I’m mad at you, Daddy!” But when I got there, I just couldn’t do it. I don’t know why I couldn’t say that. I thought it- then my eyes went straight to my grandma’s name on the tombstone and in my head, I said, “And I’m really mad at YOU, Grandma!!” But again, I couldn’t voice it. That was so disappointing to me- like I was so weak that I couldn’t stand up for myself or something. I’m not sure why that disappointed me so much. It’s not like they’d hear me. 

I blurred out some names and dates to protect the not so innocent.

I brushed off the tombstone and put a tiny bit of flowers. I didn’t know what to do with myself there. I left, started to drive off…then turned around and came back. I don’t know why. I wasn’t ready to leave, but didn’t know what to do when I stayed. 

As I was driving to the cemetery, I began reminiscing. I remember my mom catching me rummaging through her closet numerous times. She’d always ask me what I was looking for. I’d tell her “my adoption papers.” She would get so mad! 😂 I feel so guilty saying this, but I had always wanted different parents. Geez, I feel really terrible saying that. But it’s true. I had always fantasized that I had different parents- even as a child, I wished there was more out there for me. Is that selfish? Immature? Worldly? I’m not sure. I also remember fantasizing about running away (I only did that once in real life)- but I’d think I could take care of myself and my little brother better than my parents. I would even picture us homeless, living in a shack in a wooded area that we built out of scrap wood (like an old school tree house) and thinking that would just be the greatest, most liberating experience. I know…I was a weird kid. Still am. 

When saying good bye to my friend’s children, I accidentally told one of them that I’d never see them again. I was thinking it to myself as I was saying good bye, but I never meant to say it out loud. I immediately caught myself and acted like I was joking.

Smiles all around…everything’s just fine!  😣


Had to edit this post. I was in the wrong and it wasn’t fair for me to say some of the things I said. I am deeply sorry. 

Published June 23, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Regardless of how this post ends, today was actually a pretty good day. And I am so grateful for that! Things went smoother than expected and I got a lot done. Most importantly, I spent time reading through and praying through a series of prayers. It was pretty amazing. It fed me with strength, love for our God, connection with the Spirit, and hope for the future. I want to read/ pray through that often. I need it. I spent most of the day in this frame of mind. It was refreshing. I almost don’t even want to write this next part. 

I’m doing everything in my power to see my friends one final time. That’s important to me. And if I don’t get to, then… that’s just how it is. 

I’m full of conflicted feelings, mentalities, and outlooks. I’m trying to look on the bright side of what’s waiting back home for me: a great (albeit stressful) job with kids that I love, a super awesome church with some pretty great people and an amazing pastor, counseling which could lead to healing, and a new place- the nicest place I have ever lived in. Not to mention, I live in one of the most beautiful states in this country. But when I think of driving back home, leaving my friends and family behind, I think of emptiness. Like there’s nothing for me back there. Nothing. And then I find myself comforted again by the idea of the end…in a remote, quiet, never to be found location.

I sat outside this evening in the rain, observing, listening to, and enjoying nature in all its beauty. I imagined dying when it’s raining. It’s like maybe…  God would be weeping with me. 

Published June 19, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I tried so hard not to write here today. I haven’t been able to stop crying for the last…I don’t know how many hours. I have this weird attitude of “F**k everybody”- but I don’t know where that’s coming from because I care incredibly deeply and love everyone I can think of way too much. 😦

I packed…half the time I was packing for a trip to see my mom and brother and half the time I was packing for – . I just want to cancel everything for tomorrow- not show up, not be there, just go away. I can’t handle this. I thought I could, but I was wrong. I did surprise myself by successfully avoiding thinking about the gravity of things today- until everyone left and I was alone. It only took seconds before I was in tears and I can’t stop. 

My trip- I was looking forward to seeing my beautiful little niece and meeting my new nephew. I wasn’t looking forward to acting like everything was fine with my mom and brother. When I look at pictures of my nephew…geeze, he looks so much like my father. And they named the baby after him- I’m not ready to hear that name, especially over and over again. 😦

I was really looking forward to seeing my best friend on this trip. Her entire family puts me in such a great mood!  I don’t know why her four kids love me so much, but they do. They scream my name and tackle me with hugs and it’s the best! They all want to spend time with me until the wee hours of the morning and I love it!! My best friend, alone, is such a good natured person. I adore spending time with her. Spending a week with her family was going to be so good for my soul. But I won’t get to see her. Her dad fell and has been in the hospital. They’re pretty sure they’re canceling their trip to Florida- so that’s out. I was thinking of driving to Houston so I could still see them and spend time with them. But I don’t want to be in the way when they have so much other stuff going on. I’d love to be there to support her, but I’m afraid I might be more draining than of help to her. 

That makes me all the more grateful for the time I got to spend with a family here. It did so much good for my soul. I’m actually still in shock with how much that family went out of their way to support me and surround me with love. I am forever grateful. But that’s also the cause of my pain today. They’re leaving the country and I truly don’t think I’ll ever see them again. I am devastated. So incredibly devastated. :_(  But again, I’m so grateful for them and for my time with them. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered people like that- people who have gone so above and beyond to help someone. I feel like no matter what I do, I can never repay that. I thank God for them and will pray for them every day that I’m alive. But I REFUSE to get in the way of whatever God has for them. I don’t want to burden them any longer and I don’t want them to worry anymore. It’s not fair to them. 😦

I’m fighting the urge to run- the massive urge that would be comforting to ignore my two meetings tomorrow. I think in the end, I’ll just go through the motions, go through with everything hungover, act like everything’s alright-just like I did today…and then, God knows what. I can’t promise anything. I’m already fighting myself. It’s really up to God at this point. 

No sé, Jose

Published June 7, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Dumbest, most vague post ever. The only thing I can think of is “I don’t know.” Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? Things are happening too fast, I feel like I’m in a whirlwind and I couldn’t tell you what’s going on inside of me. I am so confused. 

I’m just not sure I can trust what people say- or even what they do. 

I have all these intruding suicidal thoughts in mid conversation. It’s incredibly distracting. I’m trying so hard to push them out of my head. But it happens so often that it’s difficult. I surprised myself by laughing a couple of times today…and then it’s like reality instantly snaps me out of happiness and back to depression and death.

I just don’t know… 


I know this makes sense to no one, not even myself really. But I’ve got to get this out somehow, some way. 

I feel so…I don’t know…awkward, suspicious…wanted yet unwanted, loved and yet not. I feel so unsure of myself here in this place. I feel like it might be better if I go. I just don’t know. Like I said, I’m feeling very confused. My heart very literally hurts not knowing, not being sure- worrying and fearing the worst. I mean, it’s a definite possibility and it’s been alluded to…so it’s not like I’m imagining things. I just don’t want to make people mad or to make anyone turn against me. 

There. That’s it. Nothing interesting. Although…one amazing thing happened that a friend shared- where God worked in an absolutely incredible and surprising way. I will say that is very encouraging to me, even though it has nothing to do with me. To be able to see God work so miraculousy is always a good thing, right? So as confused as I may feel, I can always try to stay focused on the positive, stay focused on Jesus, focus on His love and the unending grace of God. Right?