friends

All posts tagged friends

Published June 23, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Regardless of how this post ends, today was actually a pretty good day. And I am so grateful for that! Things went smoother than expected and I got a lot done. Most importantly, I spent time reading through and praying through a series of prayers. It was pretty amazing. It fed me with strength, love for our God, connection with the Spirit, and hope for the future. I want to read/ pray through that often. I need it. I spent most of the day in this frame of mind. It was refreshing. I almost don’t even want to write this next part. 

I’m doing everything in my power to see my friends one final time. That’s important to me. And if I don’t get to, then… that’s just how it is. 

I’m full of conflicted feelings, mentalities, and outlooks. I’m trying to look on the bright side of what’s waiting back home for me: a great (albeit stressful) job with kids that I love, a super awesome church with some pretty great people and an amazing pastor, counseling which could lead to healing, and a new place- the nicest place I have ever lived in. Not to mention, I live in one of the most beautiful states in this country. But when I think of driving back home, leaving my friends and family behind, I think of emptiness. Like there’s nothing for me back there. Nothing. And then I find myself comforted again by the idea of the end…in a remote, quiet, never to be found location.

I sat outside this evening in the rain, observing, listening to, and enjoying nature in all its beauty. I imagined dying when it’s raining. It’s like maybe…  God would be weeping with me. 

Published June 19, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I tried so hard not to write here today. I haven’t been able to stop crying for the last…I don’t know how many hours. I have this weird attitude of “F**k everybody”- but I don’t know where that’s coming from because I care incredibly deeply and love everyone I can think of way too much. 😦

I packed…half the time I was packing for a trip to see my mom and brother and half the time I was packing for – . I just want to cancel everything for tomorrow- not show up, not be there, just go away. I can’t handle this. I thought I could, but I was wrong. I did surprise myself by successfully avoiding thinking about the gravity of things today- until everyone left and I was alone. It only took seconds before I was in tears and I can’t stop. 

My trip- I was looking forward to seeing my beautiful little niece and meeting my new nephew. I wasn’t looking forward to acting like everything was fine with my mom and brother. When I look at pictures of my nephew…geeze, he looks so much like my father. And they named the baby after him- I’m not ready to hear that name, especially over and over again. 😦

I was really looking forward to seeing my best friend on this trip. Her entire family puts me in such a great mood!  I don’t know why her four kids love me so much, but they do. They scream my name and tackle me with hugs and it’s the best! They all want to spend time with me until the wee hours of the morning and I love it!! My best friend, alone, is such a good natured person. I adore spending time with her. Spending a week with her family was going to be so good for my soul. But I won’t get to see her. Her dad fell and has been in the hospital. They’re pretty sure they’re canceling their trip to Florida- so that’s out. I was thinking of driving to Houston so I could still see them and spend time with them. But I don’t want to be in the way when they have so much other stuff going on. I’d love to be there to support her, but I’m afraid I might be more draining than of help to her. 

That makes me all the more grateful for the time I got to spend with a family here. It did so much good for my soul. I’m actually still in shock with how much that family went out of their way to support me and surround me with love. I am forever grateful. But that’s also the cause of my pain today. They’re leaving the country and I truly don’t think I’ll ever see them again. I am devastated. So incredibly devastated. :_(  But again, I’m so grateful for them and for my time with them. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered people like that- people who have gone so above and beyond to help someone. I feel like no matter what I do, I can never repay that. I thank God for them and will pray for them every day that I’m alive. But I REFUSE to get in the way of whatever God has for them. I don’t want to burden them any longer and I don’t want them to worry anymore. It’s not fair to them. 😦

I’m fighting the urge to run- the massive urge that would be comforting to ignore my two meetings tomorrow. I think in the end, I’ll just go through the motions, go through with everything hungover, act like everything’s alright-just like I did today…and then, God knows what. I can’t promise anything. I’m already fighting myself. It’s really up to God at this point. 

No sé, Jose

Published June 7, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Dumbest, most vague post ever. The only thing I can think of is “I don’t know.” Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? Things are happening too fast, I feel like I’m in a whirlwind and I couldn’t tell you what’s going on inside of me. I am so confused. 

I’m just not sure I can trust what people say- or even what they do. 

I have all these intruding suicidal thoughts in mid conversation. It’s incredibly distracting. I’m trying so hard to push them out of my head. But it happens so often that it’s difficult. I surprised myself by laughing a couple of times today…and then it’s like reality instantly snaps me out of happiness and back to depression and death.

I just don’t know… 


I know this makes sense to no one, not even myself really. But I’ve got to get this out somehow, some way. 

I feel so…I don’t know…awkward, suspicious…wanted yet unwanted, loved and yet not. I feel so unsure of myself here in this place. I feel like it might be better if I go. I just don’t know. Like I said, I’m feeling very confused. My heart very literally hurts not knowing, not being sure- worrying and fearing the worst. I mean, it’s a definite possibility and it’s been alluded to…so it’s not like I’m imagining things. I just don’t want to make people mad or to make anyone turn against me. 

There. That’s it. Nothing interesting. Although…one amazing thing happened that a friend shared- where God worked in an absolutely incredible and surprising way. I will say that is very encouraging to me, even though it has nothing to do with me. To be able to see God work so miraculousy is always a good thing, right? So as confused as I may feel, I can always try to stay focused on the positive, stay focused on Jesus, focus on His love and the unending grace of God. Right? 

Mind = Blown

Published June 5, 2017 by Chloe Madison

I think I hide it really well. But this weekend, I had three different people (all of whom I just met in the last few days and have no clue how I normally am) give me a sharp reality check. 

One person told me “wow, you’re really checked out…you’re like, if one more person comes up to me…!” I was shocked. At that particular time, I was trying so hard to be social and talk to every single person that I could. I’d been talking to people for HOURS and was actually proud of myself for trying so hard. And then this dude says that to me. It made me wonder how I was being perceived from the outside. Here I was, thinking I was being super friendly and chatting and smiling even through the hurt…but this guy, sitting across the room, called me out. 

Another person the next day told me I “looked wrecked”…he came upon a conversation I was having with someone else who started talking about way back when he wanted to commit suicide. I wondered why he brought that up- did he see through me? He went on talking about that time in his life and I listened very carefully. That’s when the third guy walked up and said I looked wrecked (after the other guy walked away). I laughed it off and changed the topic.

There are some truly amazing people in this world. Others…not so much! 😉  I am so VERY GRATEFUL for all of the amazing people who have been a part of and have touched my life over the years. I sit in awe and wonder when I think about those special people. 

Now, I’m waiting to fly back home. And for a few days, I’ve been thinking of how I need to cut ties with people…just sever things so it’s not so difficult for either of us. So that’s next… 


Please take this and run far away, far away from me

I am tainted and happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me

All these pieces and promises…

Could have been

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Update:

Whoa. Like I had to change the title of this entire post- or write a whole new one. 

Whoa. My mind is still blown…still shaking my head and digesting whatever just happened. This is the second time that my little plans have been interrupted. The first time I knew it was God…I mean, this time I know it is too- it has to be! There’s no other explanation. None. 

To make a long story short- it looks like I might be staying with some friends for a few days. The fact that they even thought of it- even asked…it just blows my mind with what that does to my world. I didn’t even get home. Do you understand what that means? I didn’t even get home- not one minute alone to think about …y’know. 

I’m stunned. I don’t have anything else to say. I’m simply stunned. Holy God, this is just crazy.   o.O

FML

Published May 19, 2017 by Chloe Madison

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So much that’s positive has happened in the past few days. Yet, I’m utterly devastated at the moment. I apologize because I’ll probably sound infantile and I’ll definitely dart around from topic to topic and not make much sense. It’s how my mind has been working lately. Who cares anyway.

A couple are/were my closest friends here. I was made aware of something tonight that really hurt my feelings. I feel so stupid even typing this…  But, when you take someone (me) who is SO on the cusp of suicide and you hurt their feelings… omg, my heart SUNK when I realized what was happening. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and mostly just terrible. I truthfully have no idea if this was intentional or accidental. The thing is this has happened many times before. About six months ago, I decided our friendship had just waned and dissolved. I thought it was over.

Now, to their defense, I haven’t been the most fun lately. For the last 9 months, I’ve really sucked as a person. I can’t get through a day without wanting to end it all so I know I haven’t been there as a friend to anyone else. It’s no wonder why they wouldn’t want me around.

But, on the other hand…about two months ago, I opened up to my friend and told her some of what I was dealing with. It was so hard for me to open up, to talk, to let her in. And you know what happened? Nothing! I think I’ve heard from her twice since then. Do you understand how badly that stings? It just confirms to me that no one f**king cares. She’s married and has kids…and yes, I realize that most people with families are simply unavailable to be present with others. I get it. But her two kids are teenagers who drive themselves around and she doesn’t even work. WTF. I honestly feel like there’s no excuse. You can’t tell me you don’t have time. So, here I am…feeling like complete and utter sh*t, nodding my head affirmatively to Chris Cornell’s suicide simply because I understand and I wish I had the same courage.

Then, there’s the good stuff. I opened up to a different friend and his wife a few days ago. That went well…it was incredibly difficult and part of me really didn’t want to. But, I felt (and still feel) so safe with them. They’re just incredible people whom I trust (mostly) and I felt it was the right thing to do. It was a safe environment that I felt comfortable in. I thought about not opening up to them because they’re about to move to another country. I just didn’t see the point. But, it felt so right that I thought maybe God wanted it. Does that even make sense? That night when I left their house, I felt ok…utterly exhausted, but good. By the time I got home, my mind was racing. I literally pulled an all nighter. I tried so hard, but I couldn’t sleep. My thoughts just raced and raced.  Since then, they’ve checked in with me nearly every single day (even though it’s only been a few days, that still means the world to me). He also got the ball rolling on getting me into counseling. Many months ago, I tried to get myself into counseling, got frustrated with the cost, and quit. I’m not worth the money it costs to get help anyway. And honestly, being depressed really makes you NOT want to advocate for yourself. So, I didn’t. I knew I needed it, but I let it go. I had already given up on myself..so it didn’t matter.

But now, he’s hooked me up with a Christian counselor (yay!) whom I hope can help. Not only that, but he spoke with our church (leaving me anonymous, which was great) and got them to help out a bit with the financial aspect. That’s good because I surely don’t need additional pressure or strain right now.

Speaking of that, I know I haven’t written here in a while, but I think I’ve had two anxiety attacks since I last wrote. I’m really not sure. That is all new to me…this crazy anxiety. Some super stressful stuff happened at work and I didn’t handle it too well. I kept my cool in front of others, but when I was alone…no bueno. But, I do need to give praise to God for answering prayer with that situation and for giving me people who supported me and kept me in prayer through it all. That’s a huge praise and a definite answer to prayer!

Anyway, changing direction…I have this massive, compelling desire to go out to the desert and just disappear. Make sure no one finds the body…just go missing. That way, people won’t know it was suicide and it won’t hurt people as much. I figure that’s the best way.

I don’t know.

I’m trying (a little bit) to fight that desire to go to the desert. Having to stay here to meet up with this counselor is actually kind of good. If I tell myself I can’t leave to travel because I have this appointment I need to keep…and if this appointment has the possibility of making things better… then, that’s good, right?

So, I’m incredibly thankful to this beautiful couple who embraced me when I opened up to them.

But, then I think of my “friends” whom I’ve known for over two decades, who seem like they couldn’t care less. I’ve lost so much faith in them over the years anyway…we’ve really grown distant. But, it still hurts. And it still makes me feel so unworthy. So unwanted. It confirms that I’m alone in this world and it feeds into my belief that when I commit suicide, no one will miss me anyway. I know my life doesn’t matter. It never has and it never will. Period.

The rock years

Published November 29, 2012 by Chloe Madison

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Years passed.  I still loved God and prayed for his help every day, but couldn’t have felt farther away.

I felt closer to the music.  Closer to the lyrics and the people who wrote them.  I began going to concerts and experiencing the thrill of live music.  During one of my first concerts, I was approached by the bass player of the band after the show.  He asked me if I wanted to go get dinner with him.  We wound up on South Beach at a pizza joint.  I had never really talked to a guy in a band before…but this guy was so casual about approaching me and talking to me that it seemed normal.  We began to date…or so I thought.  Well, we really did date and see each other for several months.  But, as I would learn, in the world of rock music, there’s no such thing as a monogamous relationship.  At the time, I had no idea.  He would call me all the time…each time from a different city.  Every time he was in the state of Florida, no matter how far away, we’d arrange to see each other.  He’d bring me backstage at different outdoor concerts where lots of other bands were playing.  I got to meet tons of other musicians who I had long adored.  I became sort of superficial friends with these people.  We were friends, but we didn’t know each other very well.  I extracted every ounce of meaning I could from these friendships though, since it was all I had.  Once I realized that we weren’t exactly in a monogamous relationship, I broke things off with him, explaining that I wasn’t like that.  He said that’s part of what he loved about me.  But, that was it.  We kept in touch for years through email and occasionally seeing each other at shows throughout the years.  His band blew up and he became incredibly famous.  Now, he’s married and has a child and I couldn’t be happier for him.  🙂

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Getting ready to play at Woodstock ’99

Meeting people backstage during our short lived relationship opened the world of rock music up to me.  All the years of listening, singing along and playing guitar…and here I found myself standing on the side of the stage, watching these various artists perform.  They momentarily took me out of my prison of depression and put me on a temporary high of music, glamor and partying.  Let’s get this clear right now.  I never did drugs and no, I was never a groupie.  I witnessed those things…rampant alcohol abuse, drug use, random sex with girls who would appear out of nowhere.  When I dated the guy in the band, he warned me to be careful of people…that because we were together, he said, people would try to use me.  I thought he was being silly and paranoid and all but dismissed what he said.  But, I kept it in the back of my mind…be careful, don’t get hurt again.

Like I said, I learned from him that there’s no such thing as a monogamous relationship for a musician.  I never got into another relationship with an artist again.  I had random times of partying a little too hard, perhaps a little too much drinking and I’d make out with someone…but that was it!!  I got to meet and party with Korn multiple times.  You can imagine how giddy I was inside…of course, outside, I was trying to play it totally cool.  They offered me weed and I said no.  They countered with “but this is Korn crypt, you’ll never have anything better”.  I told them I never smoked before and they responded with “Great!  Even better for this to be your first hit…c’mon, you’re with Korn, man!!”  Yeah, I was with Korn.  But, I passed.  I was told I was messing up ‘the rotation.’  At the time, I had no idea what that meant.

I loved going to concerts.  It was my time to come alive and enjoy myself, if only for an evening. Every time I met one of my musical idols, I had an even better time.  Knowing these people and even simply meeting them, made me feel important.  It was the first ounce of importance my soul had felt in years.  I went to hundreds and hundreds of concerts over the course of 15 years.

A friend introduced me to a guy who was in a local band.  I heard my ex’s words ringing in my head, “be careful…people will use you”.  I thought he just wanted to use the people I knew in the industry to get his band signed.  As it turns out, he went to my high school…but with my little brother!!!  He seemed super cool and we continued to hang out.  We eventually became best friends.  I’d do merch for his band at all the local shows.  Doing merch means selling their merchandise, manning the table, selling CDs, t-shirts, hats, hoodies, etc.

It was around this time that I found myself longing for God.  I was pining for my long lost relationship with God, my Father.  I mean, I did have a relationship with him…it just felt distanced.  I had no desire to go back to church, but I had a desire to fully reunite with God.  I prayed a quick prayer that God would then give me the desire to go to church.  I thought listening to a sermon would be the best way to get pulled back in with the Lord.  But, I needed the desire to actually go.

By the following Saturday, I had an undeniable, burning desire to go to church.  Well….who woulda thunk it?  😉

‘Battle axe with locks of curls’

Published November 29, 2012 by Chloe Madison
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Kirsten Dunst in ‘Interview With A Vampire’

Being raped by Joe and even more, the abortion served as the catalyst for the great depression.  I was alone with only one friend who knew what had just happened and who stood by my side.  The guy I was in love with had abandoned me, disgusted with me.  My friend was dealing with her own issue…her boyfriend (my roommate) had just decided to move back to Sweden and left.  She was devastated and had no one else to confide in.  We became best friends…although not the healthiest of friends.

I was disgusted by her, actually.  She had crushed on Joe.  Even after what happened, she asked me one day if I wouldn’t mind if she hooked up with him.  I was stunned!  “Are you freaking serious?  What the hell is your problem??” I responded.  I couldn’t believe that just because he was good looking, she was willing to overlook him raping her friend.  So, even though she was my only close friend at this time…I knew I was truly alone.  She really didn’t have my back after all.

My downward spiral was quite ugly.  Everything from my childhood came back.  I had never officially dealt with being consistently raped as a 9 year old.  I had never dealt with what my dad did.  I had never really dealt with my dad’s death and the fact that I still felt guilty for ‘causing’ it by wishing it.  My support system within the church was gone, my relationship with God, my Father, had waned.  Most of the men I had a relationship with had screwed me over somehow.  I spiraled completely out of control.  I dove into the rock music…I found the lyrics related to me now, the angst in singers’ voices resonated with me.  Instead of focusing on the Bible, I focused on the lyrics to rock songs.  They understood me.  They felt my pain.  There was a magical, yet nonexistent relationship and understanding between rock songs and I.  I kept playing my guitar on the streets, now with more gusto and more emotion.  I wrote songs, I wrote various little odes.  I will publish some for you…they are terribly sad.

I lost interest in one of my most favorite things: eating!  I became anorexic.  I was depressed for years, anorexic for years and suicidal.  I made several half hearted attempts.  They weren’t ‘attention seeking’ as people might like to label it.  No one knew about it.  I did it in secret and in private.  I remember the last time quite well.  I cut…with a piece of glass that I called myself.  I was in fact, broken.  I was nothing but broken pieces, broken glass…piercing, slicing, hurting everything it touched.  And in fact, I did feel as if I messed up everything I ever laid eyes on.  My life was sh*t.  I was sh*t.  I had done the worst of the worst in terms of sinning.  God clearly didn’t love me and was pissed at me.  I felt like He wasn’t interested in helping me because I had sinned so badly.

I just…wasn’t worthy.  Of anything.

I was super skinny, never ate and worked out like a madman.  I think I was punishing myself by not eating.  After all, it was one of my greatest joys in life.  I could barely function.  It was all I could do to muster the strength to drag myself out of bed and into work in the mornings.  I dropped out of college and didn’t finish my Master’s degree.  I could barely survive.

My depression was deeper and wider than any ocean on earth.  I was literally depressed for nearly an entire decade.  A DECADE!!!  This was no joke, no ploy for attention… the worst things had happened to me and I had done the worst things…and I just couldn’t bear it anymore.  At the age of 9, my life went down the toilet.  I just wasn’t meant to be.

I clung to music, if nothing else.  I found lyrics that echoed my soul’s cries.

Mudvayne’s “Skrying”:

“Battle axe with locks of curls,
Introverted…

Do you remember the bedroom,
Was it your cell or was it your tomb…

Children, learning the secret knock, a nickel
To enter that place,
The place you would go to make things okay,
My cost, the price of a broken doll, can you
Remember that place,
The place you would go to take pain away?”

The line “battle axe with locks of curls” makes me picture a little girl with blond curls ramming her head against a wall, like she’s been so destroyed by abuse that she’s now self-destructive.  The line about the bedroom being your cell or your tomb resonated incredibly with me.  I asked myself that every day.  Was the abuse that occurred in the bedroom a temporary cell?  Or was it going to kill me, eventually becoming my tomb?

I loved the release that listening to Korn gave me.  I related to the lyrics, the pain and agony and felt better…even relieved after listening and screaming along with the singer, Jonathan Davis.  Turns out he had been raped as a child too.  No wonder I connected…

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Korn’s “Daddy”

“You’ve raped!
I feel dirty
It hurt!
As a child
Tied down!
That’s a good boy
And f**ked!
Your own child
I scream!
No one hears me
It hurt!
I’m not a liar
My God!
Saw you watching”

To this day, that song brings me to tears.  At times, I tried to share it with people.  I didn’t want them to think Korn was this evil rock band, like people want to label all rock bands.  If your children relate to these lyrics, you should be scared.  And you should inquire with them what it is they relate to.  They might just need your help.