It’s been an emotional couple of days. I feel like I’m very much at fault. For almost a year now, I’ve been incredibly irritable and I’m afraid I’m taking it out on others. I feel terrible and I’m very disappointed in myself.
Then there’s my upcoming trip. I need to take off and get out of here. But the last time I spent a few minutes alone, my mind shocked me by taking a dark turn so quickly. I probably spent about an hour sitting on that hill and couldn’t believe I was back to suicide so fast.
I’m a bit worried about my 2+ day drive alone and all the thoughts that are bound to run through my mind. Half of me is worried and concerned for my well-being. But the other half is at peace and has come to terms with the fact that death is inevitable. However, I’m hoping the destination and looking forward to seeing my 2 year old niece and my new nephew will give me enough to get there. That drive back though! Smh. I don’t even want to think about it. Today was the first full day I’ve had by myself in weeks. I spent nearly the whole day in bed. Truthfully, I really need the rest, but the way my thoughts have boomeranged back and forth today alone is surprising. Sleeping pills and wine have been dinner for the last two nights.
I can’t say what the rest of the summer holds…
I just want to focus on getting through the next few days. Father’s Day blows. I’m trying my best to keep positive so I wrote something I thought was encouraging on Instagram today. It is true that no matter how disappointing or even abusive our earthly fathers are, our true father is God in Heaven. He’s the epitome of what a father should be. And WE HAVE THAT. I need to focus more on that. But it was so hard for me to stay positive that it took me an hour and a half to write that one post!! Oh Lawd. It’s been increasingly difficult to write positively on there.
The next few days and months will be