I wrote a long post last night and was too embarrassed to publish it. It was about feeling unwanted, left out, and not fitting in.
I have no handle, like no idea what’s wrong with me. I mean, I know what issues I’m dealing with. I just don’t understand how that reflects or translates on to the public or relationships.
My thought is that If I survive this (which is not likely), then I’ll be destined to a life of a recluse. I just don’t see it panning out any other way.
I have nothing to offer anyone. Even to someone who’s hurting…it should be relatively easy to help or do something that can make a hurting person’s day better. Am I wrong? Maybe I am. I’m just so empty inside. Hollow isn’t even a strong enough word to describe it…it’s more like a huge vacuum. I just have absolutely nothing to offer.
I’m on a plane right now and we’re over the ocean. I think how beautiful it is and how much I wish our plane would go down. I surely don’t want to hurt anyone else, but it seems fitting for my life to end.
Defunct. This is the word I think of when I think of how I’m going to keep functioning in society. Things are getting worse and worse. I’m getting worse and worse. More and more depressed, more dysfunctional in relationships, more socially dysfunctional, less able to function as an adult. God. This is why I don’t see anything ending “well.”
I’ve been so out of my own brain lately. Does that even make sense? A whole day will go by…16-17 hours awake and going around and I have no idea what I did. It’s like my brain is floating in a cloud.
Today was already so difficult. I had virtually no sleep last night. I took sleeping pills and everything. TV off, phone down, wide awake and absolutely anxiety ridden. This was the first night in weeks that I hadn’t combined alcohol with sleeping pills. (I’ve been trying to figure out why last night was different than any other night.) I’m so grateful that I don’t have to work at the moment- that it’s ok that I’m sleepless and it’s ok that I’m wandering around like a zombie. I’m screwed when I need to get back to work and actually accomplish something. That was part of my anxiety- worrying how the hell I can be productive at work… and how relieved I was when I thought about …and never having to return to work again!
So as pathetic as it sounds, I was already crying before 10am. I also had so much raging anger- in my head, I was directing it toward everyone, even though no one deserves it.
Wow. I’m a mess, I know it.
I am so looking forward to getting away though- I know it’s an escape, but that’s ok. I’m going to run while I have the chance. When work starts back up, I’ll be trapped and won’t be able to escape at all. So I’m going to indulge in it now while I can. And I can’t wait to be near the sea. I adore it!! It will be beneficial, satisfying, and hopefully soothing for my soul. I’m also looking forward to spending time with God, reading, talking to- and most importantly, listening to God. I really need to work on that and being away will hopefully afford me with better concentration and less distraction.
For some reason, I’m also excited to visit Annette again. There’s something so special about her. I know it will tear me up to spend time with her, but I don’t care. She really needs it and I’m excited to do it.
This particular blog is nothing but me whining, but I’m following orders of my therapist and continuing to write, much more than usual. I haven’t been able to publish the post about my last EMDR session- I wrote out choppy phrases of what occurred with the intention of revisiting it to form actual sentences. I’m just not ready to revisit yet. Maybe soon.
Dumbest, most vague post ever. The only thing I can think of is “I don’t know.” Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? Things are happening too fast, I feel like I’m in a whirlwind and I couldn’t tell you what’s going on inside of me. I am so confused.
I’m just not sure I can trust what people say- or even what they do.
I have all these intruding suicidal thoughts in mid conversation. It’s incredibly distracting. I’m trying so hard to push them out of my head. But it happens so often that it’s difficult. I surprised myself by laughing a couple of times today…and then it’s like reality instantly snaps me out of happiness and back to depression and death.
I just don’t know…
I know this makes sense to no one, not even myself really. But I’ve got to get this out somehow, some way.
I feel so…I don’t know…awkward, suspicious…wanted yet unwanted, loved and yet not. I feel so unsure of myself here in this place. I feel like it might be better if I go. I just don’t know. Like I said, I’m feeling very confused. My heart very literally hurts not knowing, not being sure- worrying and fearing the worst. I mean, it’s a definite possibility and it’s been alluded to…so it’s not like I’m imagining things. I just don’t want to make people mad or to make anyone turn against me.
There. That’s it. Nothing interesting. Although…one amazing thing happened that a friend shared- where God worked in an absolutely incredible and surprising way. I will say that is very encouraging to me, even though it has nothing to do with me. To be able to see God work so miraculousy is always a good thing, right? So as confused as I may feel, I can always try to stay focused on the positive, stay focused on Jesus, focus on His love and the unending grace of God. Right?