Having super bad nightmares- all different kinds and tons of them. The good thing is I’m sleeping much better and am able to go back to sleep after waking up from all of these terrible dreams. The nightmares have been relentless though. I don’t know what’s going on with that. My mind is such a scary place.
My mom is starting to get to me. She keeps calling me fat. But in her defense, I really am. I’ve gained so much weight since Christmas- a solid 25 pounds. 😣 Most of my clothes don’t fit me any more. I feel so ashamed of myself. I was ugly and alone before. Now I’m ugly, alone, AND fat. Awesome. It’s totally my fault though. I’d like to blame the meds for increasing my appetite, but I’m not sure that’s the case. I’ve been eating everything I see- for months now. I take full blame for that.
I went through several days where my anxiety and irritability was through the roof. I couldn’t control my irritability and I felt so terrible. It’s much better now and I’m very grateful. I just don’t want my irritability to translate to rudeness or unhappiness to anyone else. If I’m going through something, I want it to only bother me- not spread to anyone else. That’s not fair.
So I’m glad a lot of that is gone now. I hope it stays that way.
I’m still getting pretty triggered by seeing my dad’s name and his stuff here. I’m especially bothered by things I made for him as a little kid. Seeing my tiny handprint on something made for my abuser just messes with my head. It kills me. My former innocence a