Published July 20, 2017 by Chloe Madison

My head is exploding with the biggest headache ever. It’s been a while since I’ve eaten and I just had a few glasses of wine. Just a few…and yet I feel so crazy and happy:

I’ve finally arrived and just saw my friend. The first thing she said was, “Have you lost weight??” I seriously don’t think it’s that noticeable- if at all. But I told her yes, it’s just from stress. That’s the line I’ve been using on everyone. I mean, it’s true. But right away she asked if it was about a guy. When I said no, she assumed I had a health issue. I joked, “yeah, a mental health issue!” She laughed but didn’t take me seriously…she kept digging in about my health and what was wrong with me. Seriously….I don’t look that bad, do I? 

I’m so disappointed in myself. I thought I had turned a new leaf. I can’t even count how many times I thought of ending everything today. Just thoughts… but still, I’m disappointed. 

I was at a rest stop in NY. There’s a walkway that goes over the interstate that people need to walk across to reach the restrooms and food. I was taken aback by the view of walking right across the interstate and seeing semi trucks whizz by right underneath. I thought how easy it would be to jump…the semi would never see it coming. No one would have a chance to stop, no one would even realize what they were running over. And then…

I saw the latches on the windows I was looking out of. Holy God! These windows open!! You really could very easily commit suicide here! You could easily open these windows and drop out- you’d be run over by 8-9 cars and semis before anyone even realized what happened. So tempting…

Then there were the times I was just nonchalantly driving along… and I came upon an overpass of some sort- I’d think, just veer off the road, fly off this curve, your car would disappear and aside from a broken highway barrier, there would be no sign that anything happened. I imagined hitting trees, submerging in water, tumbling down hillsides or disappearing into ravines. 

I can’t even keep my problems inside anymore. They just pour out of me- I feel like a raving lunatic- and just like a raving lunatic, I can’t stop myself. 

I hope no one goes through this, I hope no person ever has to feel this pain. This is not life. 


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