Today was one of the most distressful days I’ve had in a very long time. I’m just not able to hold it together anymore. I can pretend for a long while, but when things literally unravel, there’s no more pretending.
I haven’t had such an intense desire to get away like I did today. It’s off the charts. I had a very long drive and I spent time thinking of where I could go. I want ocean and beach. Badly. I want to be alone. I feel like that’s essential. It’s the only way I can keep from hurting and offending people- to stay away and to keep my mouth shut. I can barely control this desire to get as far away as possible. Thank God it’s summer- I hope I can figure something out before I implode.
I hit such an incredible low today. I listened to two different Alice In Chains albums on loop. Several songs just caught me by the jugular and wouldn’t let go. Lyrics repeated in my head:
Hey, I can’t meet you here tomorrow
I wept so many times and so intensely. It was quite ridiculous.
A friend I stayed overnight with reminded me this morning of how my mom would always (and still very much does) criticize me out loud in front of strangers. She’s gifted with it, really. My friend went on and on about the time my mom told the waiter this…or the time my mom embarrassed me by telling everyone that… Then, she went into how my mom is relentless with the fact that I’m not married and don’t have kids. (Like I don’t already criticize myself enough for that.) As I listened to her, I began to view the situation in a different light. Knowing that my mom knows about sexual abuse from my dad and others, don’t you think she could just have a little more compassion? Is she so blind that she honestly doesn’t understand why it’s challenging for me to find a healthy relationship? Does she really think that mocking me will suddenly help solve the problem? Clearly it has in the past. 🙄
I sat and patiently listened to my friend. And it hurt. She wasn’t hurting me- it was all the memories she brought up that made me kind of angry at my mom, made me wonder why she’s like that, and why she would do that? How can she be so cold and insensitive?
And then came the long drive. I began to feel enormously terrible and guilty about a lot of things dealing with another friend. I simply fell apart. There’s no other way to say it. I didn’t even make it to the intended destination. I just couldn’t.
This is why I need to get away from everything. I’m such a mess. I’ve just got to get somewhere peaceful and quiet, sit and figure things out. I want to bring my Bible and ruminate on the Word. I need to work harder on listening to God. I do an awful lot of talking to Him, but I need to open my heart and listen better. Think better.