“Goes Away”

Published June 26, 2017 by Chloe Madison

“I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down

I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liars chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down

I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I will keep myself
I would find a way”

I listened to this song a few times today. It has spoken to me for years. Today it hit me a bit differently, a bit more final.

I read an article early this morning that has gravely affected me. It was about a college girl named Megan who committed suicide. She had reported a sexual assault to police, who didn’t believe her. Under Alabama’s primitive laws, victims must “prove” they earnestly tried to resist their attackers. What she told police wasn’t sufficient in their eyes. From what I read, the police were less then helpful- even downright rude. This story enrages me to no end- from the cocky, wealthy assailant who got away with it to the police who had zero compassion to the antiquated laws that allowed investigators to operate in this manner to the therapist who refused to treat her. She had her friends on her side and her parents on her side and that’s pretty much it. My heart hurts so deeply for her…and yet, it’s too late. 


I watched my beautiful, little niece playing today from across the yard. As I watched her giggle and run around, I thought how she would be ok growing up, even knowing that her aunt had committed suicide. She’s only 2…she’ll easily forget that she ever knew me. After a while, I won’t be spoken of anymore…maybe only mentioned occasionally. She’ll have a few pictures of us, but she won’t remember us. And so I know that she’ll be ok. 

It’s so true though- everyone…

I just detest everyone and everything right now. :_(  


3 comments on ““Goes Away”

  • Hi Chloe,
    My name is Darlene and I live in Portland, OR. You don’t know me but your blog was forwarded to me because I work with many young women who have experienced the horrible pain of sexual abuse and/or exploitation. I don’t know your story, but I do know that God uses all of our pain for His glory. You are a beautiful writer and I can see your loving heart for others through your pain. I truly believe God wants to set you free and use your story to help others, like Megan, to uplift and encourage. Healing will take time, but know that God is with you as you go through the process.
    So how do you heal from the trauma you’ve experienced? I am not sure where you live, but if you know of any trauma informed counselors, that’s a start. It’s important that they are trauma informed and trained. I can help look for one if I know what city you live in. I know God would take care of the cost.
    One of the organizations that Iwork with is Mending the Soul. (www.mendingthesoul.org)
    Have you ever heard of them? They have a 12 week small group study that walks you through healing from all kinds of abuse. Specifically sexual abuse. I would be happy to help find a facilitator and group near you. I could also send you the workbook and book.

    Chloe, God loves you and has a plan for your life– to use your pain to help many other young ladies in your community. During the hard, dark moments, cling to Him and He will comfort you. I am praying for you. Please feel free to email, call, or text me any time.

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