I’m trying to tell myself to put on my big girl pants, grow up, and man up. But the future is really going to suck hard. It’s already more difficult than I thought it would be. I keep thinking of what I learned in academy: Embrace the Suck. It’s a military phrase meaning the situation is bad, but you have no choice so you need to deal with it. The fact that I’m having such a hard time makes me feel embarrassed to be so weak.
I have so much to do today and I don’t even want to move. Actually, I do- I just want to get in my car and go far, far away…ignore and forget about everything back here. I know, it’s not the most mature outlook, but it’s where I’m at right now.
The other day I went to a beautiful place overlooking a section of the town. All I could think about was how idyllic everyone else’s life seemed and wanting to end it all. I was confused because I was looking at beautiful scenery and thinking negative thoughts. I didn’t get it and I still don’t.
I feel so nauseated. Already threw up once today. I just don’t see how things can turn out well.