Published June 2, 2017 by Chloe Madison

Feeling so conflicted. First, I want to make sure that this particular weekend, I shift the focus off of myself and onto others. It’s my mission to make sure everyone I encounter feels like a million bucks. I really want to pour into people and give them what they need. Also, I pray and I ask you to pray that Jesus is somehow able to work through me- whether through actions or words or whatever. There will be a number of people who I’ll be spending time with who don’t know Jesus. I’m going to fight the depression and in the very least, fake it- hoping to allow Jesus to move. I’m not trying to be fake- I just don’t want my depression to overshadow or taint the way others might view Christians. I also don’t want to be antisocial or down the whole time and not take advantage of this opportunity to reach out to others. 

But can you fathom how distracting it is when you’re in mid conversation with someone, listening, looking them in the eyes, and you suddenly see your dead, lifeless body strewn across a barren landscape?

It stops you in your tracks. 

Even when I stop at a red light…just that paused moment in time, I see depression boiling over and I see different ways to die. I pause and think how peaceful that would be. And yet it instantly makes me physically sick to my stomach. 

I suddenly feel the need to be secretive about it all. It makes me feel ashamed and deceitful. 

What has happened that’s different is that there are times when I think I don’t want to die anymore. That’s been a breath of fresh air, no matter how fleeting. It’s happened multiple times now- where I actually smile, think life is good, and death might not be necessary. I guess the trick is to make those thoughts stay instead of them being elusive. 

God took my plans for last weekend and made a total shift. I have thoroughly enjoyed it. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed seeing God work, especially in my life. But this makes me feel so guilty about what I keep wanting to do. I know it’s not what God wants. I know it’s selfish. I know it’s wrong. 

I’ve been making it a point to meet up with special people one final time. There are a few young people who I wanted to encourage one last time, to let them know one last time that I love them and care for them, to let them know how special they are. I’m not sure I’ll be able to see everyone, but doing this has been important to me. 

I’m going to do everything I can to be selfless this trip and make it all about others. Then, I can go back home and do what I need to do. I have this urgent …
I just want to give God my whole heart….to follow Him with all of my being, to fully trust Him. 

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