So much that’s positive has happened in the past few days. Yet, I’m utterly devastated at the moment. I apologize because I’ll probably sound infantile and I’ll definitely dart around from topic to topic and not make much sense. It’s how my mind has been working lately. Who cares anyway.
A couple are/were my closest friends here. I was made aware of something tonight that really hurt my feelings. I feel so stupid even typing this… But, when you take someone (me) who is SO on the cusp of suicide and you hurt their feelings… omg, my heart SUNK when I realized what was happening. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and mostly just terrible. I truthfully have no idea if this was intentional or accidental. The thing is this has happened many times before. About six months ago, I decided our friendship had just waned and dissolved. I thought it was over.
Now, to their defense, I haven’t been the most fun lately. For the last 9 months, I’ve really sucked as a person. I can’t get through a day without wanting to end it all so I know I haven’t been there as a friend to anyone else. It’s no wonder why they wouldn’t want me around.
But, on the other hand…about two months ago, I opened up to my friend and told her some of what I was dealing with. It was so hard for me to open up, to talk, to let her in. And you know what happened? Nothing! I think I’ve heard from her twice since then. Do you understand how badly that stings? It just confirms to me that no one f**king cares. She’s married and has kids…and yes, I realize that most people with families are simply unavailable to be present with others. I get it. But her two kids are teenagers who drive themselves around and she doesn’t even work. WTF. I honestly feel like there’s no excuse. You can’t tell me you don’t have time. So, here I am…feeling like complete and utter sh*t, nodding my head affirmatively to Chris Cornell’s suicide simply because I understand and I wish I had the same courage.
Then, there’s the good stuff. I opened up to a different friend and his wife a few days ago. That went well…it was incredibly difficult and part of me really didn’t want to. But, I felt (and still feel) so safe with them. They’re just incredible people whom I trust (mostly) and I felt it was the right thing to do. It was a safe environment that I felt comfortable in. I thought about not opening up to them because they’re about to move to another country. I just didn’t see the point. But, it felt so right that I thought maybe God wanted it. Does that even make sense? That night when I left their house, I felt ok…utterly exhausted, but good. By the time I got home, my mind was racing. I literally pulled an all nighter. I tried so hard, but I couldn’t sleep. My thoughts just raced and raced. Since then, they’ve checked in with me nearly every single day (even though it’s only been a few days, that still means the world to me). He also got the ball rolling on getting me into counseling. Many months ago, I tried to get myself into counseling, got frustrated with the cost, and quit. I’m not worth the money it costs to get help anyway. And honestly, being depressed really makes you NOT want to advocate for yourself. So, I didn’t. I knew I needed it, but I let it go. I had already given up on myself..so it didn’t matter.
But now, he’s hooked me up with a Christian counselor (yay!) whom I hope can help. Not only that, but he spoke with our church (leaving me anonymous, which was great) and got them to help out a bit with the financial aspect. That’s good because I surely don’t need additional pressure or strain right now.
Speaking of that, I know I haven’t written here in a while, but I think I’ve had two anxiety attacks since I last wrote. I’m really not sure. That is all new to me…this crazy anxiety. Some super stressful stuff happened at work and I didn’t handle it too well. I kept my cool in front of others, but when I was alone…no bueno. But, I do need to give praise to God for answering prayer with that situation and for giving me people who supported me and kept me in prayer through it all. That’s a huge praise and a definite answer to prayer!
Anyway, changing direction…I have this massive, compelling desire to go out to the desert and just disappear. Make sure no one finds the body…just go missing. That way, people won’t know it was suicide and it won’t hurt people as much. I figure that’s the best way.
I don’t know.
I’m trying (a little bit) to fight that desire to go to the desert. Having to stay here to meet up with this counselor is actually kind of good. If I tell myself I can’t leave to travel because I have this appointment I need to keep…and if this appointment has the possibility of making things better… then, that’s good, right?
So, I’m incredibly thankful to this beautiful couple who embraced me when I opened up to them.
But, then I think of my “friends” whom I’ve known for over two decades, who seem like they couldn’t care less. I’ve lost so much faith in them over the years anyway…we’ve really grown distant. But, it still hurts. And it still makes me feel so unworthy. So unwanted. It confirms that I’m alone in this world and it feeds into my belief that when I commit suicide, no one will miss me anyway. I know my life doesn’t matter. It never has and it never will. Period.