I started out at church and aside from the usual distractions of envisioning Joe walking in and my subsequent fear and freak out, I had an unusually hard time focusing. I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t sing with everyone…for some weird reason, I couldn’t even look at my pastor when he was preaching. I have no idea what that was all about! (?!) I may as well not have gone to church at all. I couldn’t even tell you what the sermon was on- I remember one word: obedience. And that alone makes me feel guilty because I’ve been so self-absorbed lately that there’s no way I’m being obedient to God.
After I left church, I went out in nature and spent a lot of time with God. My thoughts raced from topic to topic and I found myself still withdrawing from others by not responding to texts and messages…I felt (and still feel) like my mind is high up in a foggy cloud. It’s difficult to concentrate on anything except my current crisis. That can’t be healthy.
At the end of the day as I was driving home, I had a sudden realization:
The anger, the overwhelming sadness, the surprising and ever-present irritability…this is all a part of the various stages of grief!
Until I looked at the Kubler-Ross model for the five stages of grief, I didn’t even realize that my writing here, needing to reach out to someone, needing to talk about things so badly- was actually one of the stages: Dialogue and Bargaining.
I feel like such an idiot for not realizing this sooner, but regardless…this is such great news to me. It’s a huge relief to see that I’m simply grieving. I was worried it was so much more than that. I truly thought I’d end up dead this time. I still can’t promise that I won’t. Wanting to die invades nearly every moment of my life. That’s not a part of these stages of grief. But, I honestly feel so much better realizing that all the crazy emotions recently are a part of grieving and that’s allowed me see light at the end of this dark, consuming tunnel.
After my last post that was so incredibly despondent (at least to me it was), I felt I had to share this new realization. I mean, this is good news, right?
I do believe God was the one who made me realize this…as an answer to prayer, to lessen my load and my anxiety about my life and thoughts spinning out of control. I just need to trust God, my Father and hang in there. Easy, right?